9 yr old flirting/ chatting with men online - Page 2

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 
You need to start by immediately cutting off all internet until she is much much older. Then, since things seem to be extreme, you might want to consult a child therapist. I would actually have her evaluated by a neuropsych. It sounds like there is a lot more going on.

...

Does she have a phone of her own? If so, you better check that out too and even take it away until you sort all this out.

[purslaine]

I am trying to weigh whether to get rid of the internet altogether or have extremely heavy parental control (taking wires to room at night, the 9 year old is not allowed on it at all, etc)

In some ways getting rid of it is safer.  This is a child who is sneaky about it, and no matter what controls you put on, being viligant 100% of the time is exhausting.

OTOH, you, your DH and other DC might want to use the computer - and they have done nothing wrong.  I am not sure how you are going to handle  it so it does not seem unfair.  

Do her siblings know about her inappropriate online behaviour?  If so, you might tell them we have to get rid of the computer for your sister safety.  They might be able to understand.  If they do not know -  there is a question of privacy.  Do they even need to know this?  

I do not usually lie to my children - but I might in this case:  "we are getting rid of the internet because we cannot afford it" or  "I have been researching it and the internet is bad for you - hence we are having it out of this house."

I would make a point of bringing the other kids to a place they can access the internet (the library).  It may help make the no computer thing go over smoother.

I am not sure how much freedom your 9 year old has - but I would be very careful about who and where she spends her time.  I know of 2 kids who do not have internet at home who use it at friends houses, I know of numerous kids who use the internet at the library for such purposes.

In the long term, I think it is borderline impossible to keep the internet away from someone.  This is one of the reasons why you must get her into counselling.  You can keep her away from the internet for now - but not forever - and you both need to get to the bottom of what is going on so she is safer to herself.

I agree with cutting any cell phone use.

Hugs, mama!

[laohaire]

I don't know what's going on but just wanted to mention that the behavior sounds a lot like my high school best friend's. I met her when she was 13, not 9, but I doubt her fits and threats of self-harm and "drama" stuff were new at 13. My friend really did go out a window once, broke several bones and miscarried a baby. She was 16 at the time. We didn't have the Internet then, but my friend was sexually active from the time I knew her (that is, at least from 13 if not before) and sought love in a lot of wrong places. She was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. She sought love and acceptance and validation through her sexuality. I don't know what the likelihood is that your daughter also is, and if I were you I would be freaking out reading these posts, but I have to admit, I agree with the others that this is serious enough to warrant intervention.

Everyone saw my friend as "crazy" and "dramatic," and my friend even saw herself that way too. I think it served to make her feel even crazier. There was something wrong, but everyone just told her it was *her*, that she was "defective" maybe. She clearly doubted her own memories, her own assessments of events in her life. Rather than see herself as the innocent victim of a crazy, sick abuser, she thought SHE was crazy and sick. I was her young and naive friend, and I always figured she was crazy too - certainly all the adults around her seemed to think so, and they kept trying to "fix" her with medication. So everything pointed to *her* being broken or crazy. I write that not to say that this is definitely something going on with your daughter, but if any of it rings a bell at all, I hope you'll be able to think about it. Most of us who throught my friend was crazy, myself included, loved her and wanted what was best for her, and I think this maybe was the very worst part of the abuse, how it fooled everyone including my friend, and turned it all on her even by those who loved her.

By the way, my friend's abuser was a close family member. Or I should just say it, it was her father. I mention that not to accuse your husband (I could not possibly have any clue) but to say that if there might have been abuse (and we don't even know that at all, obviously) that it's so easy to think it was some distant person when it's more often someone from everyday life, even right at home.

[nextcommercial]

My daughter's friend was texting people in chat rooms.  (way back when chat rooms were new)  At first, she was telling them she was an adult.  She was using a character from a book as her "personality". 

My daughter told me, I told my Ex husband, he told the girl's father... the dad asked his daughter, she said it was a lie, and dad believed her.  She continued.  Most people could tell she was a Troll, but didn't know how young she was.  Then someone asked her to go to a private chat room.  

About that time, she became obnoxious at home too.  Using bad language, cussing at her parents.  SHe made herself unlikable.  They sent her to her room.  (and for some really stupid unexplainable reason, she had a computer in her room)  

My daughter was over there with her dad again.  She later told me about this private chat room where D says bad words with this guy.  So, I told my ex AGAIN, he called the dad and told him again.  So, dad bought a program so he could see all the conversations she had on her computer.   

The next day, she was supposed to get off the bus at Acoma park instead of her normal stop, and her new friend would meet her there, and they'd walk the rest of the way home together.   Turns out, he was a 37 yr old man, and he WAS waiting for her at the park.  (so were the police)  

The worst part of this?????  Her parents ran the Missing and exploited children's office for the entire state. How did they not notice this was happening before it got that far????  

SHe hadn't been molested.  She was just that girl who had to do everything her parents didn't want her to do.  She was precocious and thought she could handle anything, it would be fun, and nothing bad would happen.  Even after all of that, she still thought nothing was going to happen.  She thought that she would see him in the park and just keep riding the bus to her own stop and go home, and it would be funny.  

[whatsnextmom]

I won't say it would be impossible to get rid of the internet all together, we all know there is life without internet. I will say that life would be far more difficult in our house. For example, my husband is on-call weekends at least once a month. He needs to field calls and needs to log-in to the work computers from home. Without home internet, he has to sit in the office all weekend "just in case." Almost all my 10-year-olds homework is online... I don't mean research, I mean his actual work is online. I'm sure, under-the-circumstances, we could arrange alternative work with the teacher but it would be difficult. My highschooler would pretty much have to live at the library. I'm currently a SAHM but I organize large quantities of volunteers for a couple organizations for which email is the primary communication. I do have limited internet on my phone but fielding communication with hundreds of people throughout a day without wi-fi would wipe out my plan pretty fast.

If this were us, I'd disable internet on all the computers but one laptop. The other kids could check it out when needed. If the offender needed it, she could sit next to me whatever I was doing. We'd lock it up when not in use.

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I am trying to weigh whether to get rid of the internet altogether or have extremely heavy parental control (taking wires to room at night, the 9 year old is not allowed on it at all, etc)

In some ways getting rid of it is safer.  This is a child who is sneaky about it, and no matter what controls you put on, being viligant 100% of the time is exhausting.

OTOH, you, your DH and other DC might want to use the computer - and they have done nothing wrong.  I am not sure how you are going to handle  it so it does not seem unfair.  

Do her siblings know about her inappropriate online behaviour?  If so, you might tell them we have to get rid of the computer for your sister safety.  They might be able to understand.  If they do not know -  there is a question of privacy.  Do they even need to know this?  

I do not usually lie to my children - but I might in this case:  "we are getting rid of the internet because we cannot afford it" or  "I have been researching it and the internet is bad for you - hence we are having it out of this house."

I would make a point of bringing the other kids to a place they can access the internet (the library).  It may help make the no computer thing go over smoother.

I am not sure how much freedom your 9 year old has - but I would be very careful about who and where she spends her time.  I know of 2 kids who do not have internet at home who use it at friends houses, I know of numerous kids who use the internet at the library for such purposes.

In the long term, I think it is borderline impossible to keep the internet away from someone.  This is one of the reasons why you must get her into counselling.  You can keep her away from the internet for now - but not forever - and you both need to get to the bottom of what is going on so she is safer to herself.

I agree with cutting any cell phone use.

Hugs, mama!

[nextcommercial]

Warning: Spoiler! (Click to show)

I won't say it would be impossible to get rid of the internet all together, we all now there is life without internet. I will say that life would be far more difficult in our house.

We must have our internet.  My daughter's homework is turned in through the internet, I need it for work, I need email for work.  

I'd move the computer to someplace the child in question couldn't get access to it... but, I don't think I could just get rid of internet.

[A&A]

I agree with your thoughts in your original post--NO computer access for her whatsoever.  Put a password on it.  Do what you have to do.  And figure out why she has such low self esteem. 

[Roar]

FrugalMom,

I'm concerned to hear this being attributed to being a drama queen. The list of behaviors you mentioned strongly suggest the need for a mental health evaluation and treatment. I would encourage you to get her help sooner rather than later. There are many possible explanations for her behavior but any of them suggest the need for something significant to change. I would suggest starting with her pediatrician and asking for a referral for an evaluation and or therapy.

[BrennaRawks]

As a mom of a 9y.o. ds, I am agreeing with everyone else. Please get some professional input to get to the bottom of her behavior. I'm so sorry youre going through this mama.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

My dd is 10 now but she was never like what you describe with dd. Also she has zero access to the net unless I am sitting right next to her doing her homework IMO nothing good can ever come of a young child unsupervised on the net.

[chfriend]

I've got a 10 year old. What your describing sounds so very very worrisome. In your shoes, I'd be getting my family professional help.

[Callimom]

I agree with the PP.  I also have a 9 y/o daughter and this is way way outside the realm of normal or typical behavior.

If despite all your efforts and vigilence she's able to make these choices, I think the entire family needs some support. I would be concerned about the source of these activities and would be increasing monitoring on older siblings, friends, mentors etc.

What she's doing is so dangerous to her health and wellbeing on so many levels that imo it the response needs to be way beyond just saying she can't play this game any more.

good luck to you.

[mommariffic]

...all I have to say is backing up what everyone else is saying - PLEASE GET HER HELP! 

NONE of that is normal behavior. If the chatting with men was happening on it's own I would say it could just be rebellion/curiosity but not when it's coupled with the other behaviors you mentioned. The longer you wait this out the worse it will get, please keep us updated 

[midnightwriter]

She's reaching out. She needs a lot of help. Taking away her priviliges and computer time is a very easy "solution", but it doesn't really address the issue, and is very likely to make things worse. Gordon Neufeld in his book "Hold on to your Kids" talks about attachment with older children. The ultimate priority here is to bond with her, no matter how difficult, and this will create a safe base on which everything else can be built. Punishing her won't create trust, and will only make her spiral further, even if on the surface she might be doing better.

I don't agree at all with taking away the internet. There's a lot of fun on the internet for the kids, and the fact that she is going throuhg a lot right now, doesn't mean that everything fun has to be removed. But parental controls have to be installed, the computer has to be in the central area of the house, and she certainly shouldn't be playing on-line games with no moderation. I'd find her safe alternatives, maybe computer games that she enjoys but that are either on the HD, or without the chat option.

One thing for sure, if she were my duaghter, I'd be getting professional help RIGHT AWAY, and I would make everything humanely possible not to alienate her any further.

[mamazee]

I'm another mom of a 9-year-old.  Everything I've read here is way outside the realm of normal.  Way way outside.  I'd get her to a counselor and find out what's going on in her life.  hugs to you and her.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

Taking away her priviliges and computer time is a very easy "solution", but it doesn't really address the issue, and is very likely to make things worse.

...I don't agree at all with taking away the internet.

I agree that punishing isn't going to fix the problem, but this is a kid who doesn't need to be on the internet. It's just a safety issue. She needs real help, but keeping her away from predators in the mean time should be a top priority.

[midnightwriter]

It is possible to keep her away from predator and still allow her to use the fun aspects of the internet. On the other hand, if the only way she uses the internet is for chatting, then it would be appropriate to take it away. My almost 9 year old uses the internet for a lot of innocent things that she enjoys. If she suddenly started doing something inappropriate on the internet, but still enjoyed the other things, I'd just monitor her very closely, and allow her to still have fun.

 

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I agree that punishing isn't going to fix the problem, but this is a kid who doesn't need to be on the internet. It's just a safety issue. She needs real help, but keeping her away from predators in the mean time should be a top priority.

[rainbow_mandala]

Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm most concerned about here: the 9 y.o. or the parents.  I say this because all of the behavior that's been described is so far outside the norm that a parent would have to be deep in denial or blind not to realize she has a serious problem that needs immediate attention.  Ignoring the fact that they are in a very unhealthy emotional state cannot be remedied by setting limits, and it's very worrisome to me that the OP seems to think this will solve the problem.  Just because she has "improved" by the limits that have been set doesn't mean she's actually healed...she's just learned that she's not going to get the attention she's seeking through those means anymore.  Case in point, she's looking elsewhere for the unhealthy attention.  This is not going to stop unless she gets help.  I also suggest the parents look deeper inside themselves and try to figure out why they haven't already gotten her help...

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

I have to agree that counseling is imperative at this point. You need to know where this is coming from. I would, frankly, cut any and all computer use in your home by anyone but you and Dad unless actively supervised by an adult. That means by you or Dad. Not siblings or anyone else. All cables are disconnected and stay with an adult otherwise.

I agree. I went through something last year VERY similar with my 8 yr old DD. She was on an online KIDS site called Roblox and had other supposed "kids" sending her links to sex pictures and sex videos. She got to where she would lock herself in her bedroom with my laptop and I walked in on her one day (by opening the lock and surprising her) and caught her looking at people having sex. :-(   It devastated me. The online game sites were off limits for a while for her, even though the only two she rarely played on were both FOR kids, and she finally got better about being truthful and honest. Now she only gets online in my office, which is in the den, or on my laptop in my bedroom. I watch her closely, because even on the kids sites there are adults on there posing as children. :-(  It's SICK!! But she loves playing the little games on these sites so I want her to have some fun stuff to do on the net. Thankfully she is getting away from Roblox and the other site she had been doing and is doing more with her baby dolls and watching You Tube on things about caring for her Baby Alive dolls and stuff like that. So it's really not a worry anymore. But please stay on top of this!!!!

And, fwiw, I wouldn't automatically assume your child has been sexually abused. My DD has a very outgoing nature, very headstrong, emotional and can talk about how people hate her and be very moody and temperamental, has been all her life. She is homeschooled and rarely was around anyone alone when younger and not able to tell me things. That's always the first thing some people will assume about such scenarios and it's not always true. I TOO was a very hyper, curious child and teenager and I was virgin til my first boyfriend and wasn't molested or messed with as a child, but I had a HUGE interest in sexual things and men in general.

[Callimom]

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

It is possible to keep her away from predator and still allow her to use the fun aspects of the internet. On the other hand, if the only way she uses the internet is for chatting, then it would be appropriate to take it away. My almost 9 year old uses the internet for a lot of innocent things that she enjoys. If she suddenly started doing something inappropriate on the internet, but still enjoyed the other things, I'd just monitor her very closely, and allow her to still have fun.

 

 

Normally I would agree with you but I think this situation is an exception. Given that these parents have been surprised not once but twice by this child's internet activities while being what they considered to be very strict and vigilant and that it seems as though there may be other issues at play here I really think that "just monitoring" is not enough in this case to keep this child safe.  I agree with Linda that in these circumstances there doesn't seem to be an upside or a need for this child to have access to the net.