9 yr old flirting/ chatting with men online - Page 3

[midnightwriter]

ITA.

Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala 

Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm most concerned about here: the 9 y.o. or the parents.  I say this because all of the behavior that's been described is so far outside the norm that a parent would have to be deep in denial or blind not to realize she has a serious problem that needs immediate attention.  Ignoring the fact that they are in a very unhealthy emotional state cannot be remedied by setting limits, and it's very worrisome to me that the OP seems to think this will solve the problem.  Just because she has "improved" by the limits that have been set doesn't mean she's actually healed...she's just learned that she's not going to get the attention she's seeking through those means anymore.  Case in point, she's looking elsewhere for the unhealthy attention.  This is not going to stop unless she gets help.  I also suggest the parents look deeper inside themselves and try to figure out why they haven't already gotten her help...

[Marsupialmom]

There is this wonderful thing on your computer, it is called a plug. Your daughter needs to have high supervision so she doesn't get the plug until you can give it to her. You need a child filter and a family therapist. Sorry but at that age, doing those behaviors to get attentions worries me about the TOTAL situation and what the child needs attention wise.

[waiting2bemommy]

I just wanted to come back to this thread to add something.

Everyone here is making it about removing the internet from the home but that is not the whole issue.

I shared earlier in the thread about my little sister's behavior. Granted, her folks have their heads in the sand, but she is also very sneaky. I don't know if it is a control thing with her, that the sneakiness gives her a feeling of power and control, or if she just really really wanted to continue with the behaviors no matter what. All I know is that no matter how tightly controlled her environment has become, she has still been able to find ways to get into trouble.

When I was 15 and 16 my mother would take the batteries out of all the cordless phones in the house and sleep with them under her pilllow, to make sure I couldn't use the phone. Well that was easy. I became master at picking her bedroom door lock, slipping into the room, gently easing one of the batteries out from under her pillow, using the phone, and then slipping back into the room to replace it before she woke up in the mroning. Same with the computer cord. She took it to bed with her, I bought one at school from a friend who likes to mess around with old computer parts and had spare ones. Easy as pie.

The point I am trying to make is that there is NO WAY to keep her 100% protected, except by engaging HER cooperation. You will only get so far by taking away internet access, monitoring her phone calls and association, homeschooling, etc. I'm not saying those actions aren't warranted, because she clearly needs to be protected from herself for the imediate future, but those are stop gap measures and NOT solutions. This needs to be addressed professionally. Restricting her and then assuming that fixes the problem is like putting a bandaid on open heart surgery. 

I just wanted to point that out because I haven't heard the OP say anything about counseling or the like, and that really, really bothers me.

[elus0814]

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.

[Ms. Sisko]

I came here from the main page because the title caught my eye.

I had nearly the same experience as the poster quoted below me and as a few above.

If I were you, I would be scared ... but I don't want it to go without mentioning that those things do not automatically mean abuse. I was obsessed with things way over my head when I was that age. I even got in trouble at school for drawing porn. I was drawing penises and the only penises I'd even seen were my baby brother's and those in encyclopedias. I was writing about explicit sexual acts that I didn't completely understand. I was saying things online that were certainly not things I'd expect nine year olds to know about. I saw one porn mag once while snooping around a friend's parent's room when I was around 6 or 7 and the images stuck with me. I was never sexually abused as a child.

I was also obsessed with self harm, but never attempted any.

I don't even have any advice. I just wanted to say that it all sounds familiar. I'll be thinking about you and your family.

Originally Posted by elus0814 

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by elus0814 

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.

It could be generatoinal at 9 I had no chat rooms..and would never call someone up to talk about sex and dirty (that came much later).  Maybe it is because I have 3 kids that would not have done it at 9.  Now my 16 and 12 year old is different, now but not at 9. I would personally be ok with a 9yo looking/seeing born because that means most likely they are very curious and Google is a wonderful thing...but NOT sex chatting. 

[Modmom15]

I don't think that you can jump to the conclusion that she was abused. Sometimes kids learn how to manipulate their parents and take it too far, threating self-harm only because they know it will get them something. There's really no way we can tell without really seeing her behavior in person.

The chatting at 9 is something to be worried about, so I'd make sure that computer and game time was supervised.