I feel like I'm doing the work of 3 people

[bass chick]

My current situation is that I am a SAHM to 2 beautiful boys (4.5 and 6.5). I am homeschooling them and plan on homeschooling until college or university if that is what they choose. This alone is a huge commitment and requires a great amount of energy.

DH and I have been married for 15 years. I worked at a job I hated to put him through college. Actually, I worked 1 f/t job and 1 p/t job and 1 casual job all at once so we could afford to live and pay his tuition. It was so worth it when our first son came along and I quit my job. DH worked in his field of expertise (he was a pastor) for 2 years until he had a clash with church leadership and they fired him without cause. He bummed around for a year, worked his way out of depression and found another job in another city. So we moved and started over. Exactly 2 years later he resigned from his 2nd pastoral position. Church politics really do suck. On one hand I don't blame him, but on the other I'm seething because we poured so much $$ into his education all for nothing. It's not like he resigned on his own...we talked about for months. If he didn't resign the sr. pastor would have made his life miserable and got the board of elders to push for his resignation anyways. DH is an awesome youth pastor, but there was back-stabbing and gossip going on among the leadership and DH called the Sr Pastor on it, and he denied it and from that point on the Sr pastor had it in for DH.

After 2 failed attempts at pastoral ministry, DH has decided it all really sucks and is not willing to be put through the ringer for a bunch of hypocritical people who "play church" instead of getting serious with God, so now he is left with a BA which he can do nothing with. He has no transferrable skills.

Again, he took a year off. During that year I opened up a dayhome to keep us afloat and I work 55 hours a week at that. This is our only steady, reliable source of income. I told DH that I didn't trust him to take care of the family financially. He laughed and said he didn't trust himself either. *sigh*

I am so not cut out to work 55 hours a week, be a good mom, homeschool, and do all the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. I am prone to depression and am low-energy and I can feel myself spiraling downward. I take a low-dose antidepressant but I've noticed the added work load is taking it's toll and I'm feeling angry, exhausted, sad, overwhelmed and sorry for myself.

Last week was a bad week for me. I spent most of the time yelling at the kids. I said some things to my dayhome kids that I was shocked to hear come out of my mouth. I made them all cry. But I didn't care.

DH is currently working, but it is very unofficial and nothing is guaranteed. He just works for a friend of a friend who owns a ranch. He gets paid in cash and doesn't know from one day to the next if he is working. When he is working he spends most of the day chatting with his friend (the "foreman") who got him this job (not DH's fault...but the "foreman" is just really a terrible foreman and would rather talk than work). So he's out chatting and not working...away from the house and not getting paid most of the time. DH is confident that it will turn into a great opportunity in a couple of years because the guy he actually works for is hinting at making DH his manager. And the work is fun for DH.

DH has pursued a couple of other different avenues of work but has turned them down because they seem too boring or like something he won't enjoy. I'm thinking WTH??? I do stuff I don't enjoy all day everyday (I'm not enjoying my dayhome...I just want to spend all my energy on my own kids)!! And I don't just quit because I hate it.

Anyways, my situation is not going to change. I need some sort of a pep talk. I'm seriously feeling sorry for myself and it's not helping. How do the rest of you get yourself out of a bad-attitude space? I need to embrace the choices we've made, but I keep going back to my negative attitude. My mantra last week was "Suck it up, princess", but that really didn't help. lol.

[mommariffic]

Oh momma that sounds awful

To be honest it sounds like your DH needs to grow up a little bit. I think we all wish that our jobs could be enjoyable 100% of the time, but nothing's perfect. It would be fine and dandy if he wanted to test the waters of several jobs, but when there's a family to support well..you do what you have to do. 

When he's home & not working is he helpful with the kiddos and cleaning and everything else? 

I know you said the situation isn't going to change, but why can't it? 

[sublimeliving]

I would do everything in my power to get my happiness quotient higher. Start with 5 things per day that will make you, and only you happy. Mine are sometimes simple, like- painting my toenails, making a special cup of tea, yoga (this one might help relieve stress). I've spent the past year really working on me. I have to mentally take note of what doesn't make me happy, and try to change it. Every situation in life is worth changing; especially if you're not happy. Have you thought about doing a homeschool cooperative in your home instead of daycare? This could bring in the income too, but be less stressful. Maybe an Ebay business, or blogging? Do everything to enjoy your life. This is it, make it a life that brings you joy and happiness. : )

Do you have a YMCA in your town? If so, that would be a great place to utilize. If your income is low, they will make the payments low or have you pay nothing. Can you fit all the daycare kids in your car? If so, ask the parents if they're interested in having their kids take classes at the Y. If they don't want to do that, maybe taking them all to storytime at the library (or even craft day). Are the parents of the kids willing to pay a little extra for extracurriculars? Maybe bring someone in to teach a foreign language. Some things like that would give you a break, and everyone wins.

[journeymom]

Anyways, my situation is not going to change. I need some sort of a pep talk. I'm seriously feeling sorry for myself and it's not helping. How do the rest of you get yourself out of a bad-attitude space? I need to embrace the choices we've made, but I keep going back to my negative attitude. My mantra last week was "Suck it up, princess", but that really didn't help. lol.

You don't have a bad attitude, you're overwhelmed and in an unfair situation. There is nothing wrong with you, your depression is a reasonable, predictable response.  Your mind is telling you that you're in an untenable situation.  Yes, you guys made big choices, but with experience you're finding that certain aspects need tweaking.  This is totally normal and not a sign of failed decision-making or bad attitude.   I think it's pretty common for people to get stuck when they commit to a plan even when they find the plan isn't working.  You made a plan based on the information you had, now you've got more information, it's time to rethink your plan You can get unstuck if you can more freely change plans based upon the feedback that's right there tripping you up.  Don't ignore it, don't try to twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate this situation. 

First, I think your dh is right to stick to his guns about finding a job he can enjoy, to a point.  This has GOT to be balanced with time sensitive responsibilities to you, his wife.  As you pointed out, you are most definitely not enjoying your situation either, and it's time for you to push for your own career satisfaction. There needs to be more equity.

Next, I disagree that all that time and $$ you both invested, the sacrifice you made, in his BA is wasted.  I think he does have transferable skills, but you guys need to change your perspective and rethink how to apply what he's learned. Frankly I think he's on the right track there with that perspective management position.   --Is there a community college available that offers management programs?  My junior college offers an AA in management, but even better it offers a certificate in Management - Leadership in Action: Psychology and Team Facilitation. 
An AA typically is a two year program, a certificate takes less time, is very practical and quickly applicable.   Employers LOVE to see 'degrees' in management on resumes.  This is the sort of area of study that could make his BA in pastoral studies really useful.

Also you should not be doing all of the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.  Your dh needs to take on some of that responsibility, you seriously need a break.  You are already fast on your way to burn out and bitter resentment.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't really know that, even though he says he understands.   And yes, I know it will probably be like pulling teeth to get him to help out, regardless of how much of a great guy he is.  But talk to him.  Perhaps you can make a list of chores for him to own, ask him to pick a couple that he'd be willing to do and go from there. 

You have the right to go for your own dream job.  It's a vitally worth-while investment for you both to make, including some sacrifices from your dh. 

[peainthepod]

Mama, being a homeschooling SAHM is already a full-time job. Running a business for 55 hours a week on top of that is amazing--and doing all of the housework and shopping on top of that is...well, it's unsustainable.

Your DH needs to act like a man and step up to the plate. If he isn't out earning real honest-to-goodness money to support his family, then he needs to support you all in other ways. That may mean he does the lion's share of the housework and cooking and shopping. Or it may mean he takes a more active role in the home business. Only you two can really know how his efforts can be put to best use. What he doesn't get to do is expect his wife to do all the work of earning the daily bread, educating the children, and running the household, while he stands around chatting with a buddy instead of working.

Gently, it sounds like he always has an easy excuse for not pulling his weight, and you're all too eager to jump in for him and believe those excuses because it's the path of least resistance. I'm not saying your husband is a bad man or anything like that, but it does seem that whenever he can't make a job work, it's always someone else's fault. I think if you were able to look at this situation from an outsider's perspective, you might be a bit skeptical of that claim as well.

Regardless, it is completely unreasonable to expect you to do everything for your family. I think it would be very helpful to sit down and make an honest list of what you do every day, from the moment you wake up until you go to bed. How much of the household responsibility falls on your shoulders, and how much does he actually do?

Once you have it written down and staring at you from a page, in black and white, you may find the resolve needed to say, "Yes, this is going to change, because it's completely unfair and unacceptable."

Your attitude sounds amazing to me, and your depression issues are to be expected. Simply put, you're drowning and your husband is clinging to your ankles instead of paddling alongside you. Something has to give, and it doesn't make you a lesser person for admitting it. Quite the contrary, actually. This can change, if you want it enough.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Also you should not be doing any of the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.  Your dh needs to take on some of that responsibility, you seriously need a break.

Fixed that for you. =D

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Also you should not be doing any of the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.  Your dh needs to take on some of that responsibility, you seriously need a break.

Fixed that for you. =D

Yup, even better! 
 

[LessTraveledBy]

Yeah to everything the pps have said. It is great if one can enjoy one's job. However, your dh needs to get a job, any job, to support the family and then look for the one he would really enjoy. It is totally not cool to be gone all day, not making much money, and talk about how it might turn into a great opportunity YEARS from now.

Maybe your dh could use some counciling of some sort. I don't see this marriage lasting unless he starts to help you in some way...

[Vaske]

Well, I think your husband could use a good dose of 2 Thessalonians 3:  no work, no eat.  His current job is not honest work, he's cheating his employer by spending so much time chatting with the foreman (why can't they talk and work at the same time?), AND he has left the task of supporting the family entirely on your shoulders.  And he plans to keep this status quo going for a couple more years in the hopes of getting a dream job out of it?!  I do not think that God is going to bless him in the way that he expects (to put it mildly).

I think you are wrong that he has no transferable skills.  He must know how to read and write critically, how to relate to young people, how to speak in public, how to organize people to get things done, and maybe he has some computer skills too.  It's good to have a completed bachelor's degree, even if you're trying to enter another field.  Has he thought of taking on staff work at a Christian camp?  Probably the pay is even worse than what a youth pastor would get, but it could combine pastoral work with some ranch-like work--just a thought that popped into my head.

It seems like your job now is to hold things together while you figure out how to accept your husband without enabling him.  Something God told me a while back was "No duty without reward."  But you are taking on far too much of the load that your husband should be carrying, and it's time for you to give it back to him, though he will no doubt be resistant.  Also, you need to honestly share your frustrations with your situation with him, and not vent them at your children and your dayhome children.  I suppose that "Suck it up, princess" is not a very Christian thing to say to one's husband, but it would be much more fair to start saying it to him than to keep on saying it to yourself while you do all his work on top of all of yours.

[bass chick]

Thanks everyone!!

I feel a little more enabled to make some small changes! I think I'm going to start with make one small change at a time.

I have stopped cooking suppers and usually DH cooks (he LOVES to cook, I HATE to cook...makes sense, right?) but last night he didn't make supper, I didn't have the energy and we didn't communicate about it because I feel guilty asking him to make supper. Even though he has said many, many, many times "Just ask me to do whatever you want and I will do it!" I guess I really feel as though I have no right to ask anyone to do anything for me. Anyways....we ate popcorn for supper last night.

Part of my problem is that I need to learn how to ask for help. I have made a list of stuff for DH to do and then I say very sheepishly "I made a list of stuff you could do if you wanted to...not that I'm expecting you to do it or demanding that you do it...just if you want to...you know...whatever." And then I'm flooded with guilt, even though I know that we are on our journey TOGETHER. I actually don't mind grocery shopping. I usually go when DH is home with my boys and it is my "break" from being around people who are always trying to talk to me. I am a major introvert and being at the grocery store is actually some therapeutic alone time.

In 3 months one of my dayhome kids is going from f/t care to 1-2 days a week. She is the biggest stressor in my life. Then in the summer I think I'm going to drop down to just doing my dayhome 4 days a week for the next couple of years. I suggested it to DH and he seemed hesitant, but he is always supportive. He has even told me to go away for a week and he would run the dayhome for me to get a break. He is just not good with little kids. He is GREAT with school-aged kids and teens, but not toddlers and preschoolers.

Lastly, in his defence, I left out an important tidbit of information in my original post. I didn't think it was important, but in hindsight, it does affect how others would perceive my situation. When he resigned, he found a business partner to start building a "passive-income business". We have started in real estate / rental housing and in 1 year we have purchased (with our business partner) 4 single-family dwellings that are being rented out. His business plan is that in 10 years our f/t jobs (read: his f/t job...I will not be working) will be managing the properties and living off the rental income. Every penny that he makes now goes into down-payments for properties. It has been hard to see all our savings (like...every penny) go into these properties with a mere $2000 of income coming from it for the whole year. I understand the concept, but the delayed gratification is hard when they pay off is practically nothing right now and the work load is insane. So his idea is that all the money he makes goes into our business, all the money I make supports us. But it is too much for me. I have resolved to sit down with him and tell him. Thanks for the responses...I feel that I can start to make changes that are necessary just for my sanity - and for my kids too!

[bass chick]

Originally Posted by Vaske 

Well, I think your husband could use a good dose of 2 Thessalonians 3:  no work, no eat.  His current job is not honest work, he's cheating his employer by spending so much time chatting with the foreman (why can't they talk and work at the same time?)

DH has brought this up with the owner over and over and over again. The owner is such a "Don't worry about it...God will provide" kind of guy, and part of the "perks" of this job according to the owner is that this is okay. DH does NOT feel good about it. In fact, the foreman told DH the first week on the job to "slow down"...it made DH angry, that he just piddles around and wastes the owners money. The foreman is off work this week (was in the hospital and is now at home on bedrest) and DH is so glad to be able to work alone. "I'm actually getting things done!"

The fact that DH has brought it up with the owner over and over and over again and the owner just tells him to relax and that he is aware of it and that it is okay....well, DH is now starting to put up with it. DH has improved the owner's business practice at least 300% (it's a looooong story). So...he is definitely not cheating his employer. If anything, he is getting others to stop cheating the employer.

Sorry I was misleading in my original post. I was...venting...and leaving out important facts.

[journeymom]

Good updates!

So his idea is that all the money he makes goes into our business, all the money I make supports us. But it is too much for me. I have resolved to sit down with him and tell him.

Wow, I'm glad you realize that and I'm glad you're going to talk to him.   That's a clever idea and all, and I'm not savvy about this sort of thing, but that seems like way too much on you. 

[sapphire_chan]

Whew, I'm glad that a large part of your description of your dh was venting.

I think you'll be able to have a good talk now and get things sorted out. Even something as simple as you getting an hour or two  of alone time (even if there isn't grocery shopping!) each day could make a huge difference. Bonus points if dh and the kids take care of some task at the same time.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by bass chick 

Part of my problem is that I need to learn how to ask for help. I have made a list of stuff for DH to do and then I say very sheepishly "I made a list of stuff you could do if you wanted to...not that I'm expecting you to do it or demanding that you do it...just if you want to...you know...whatever." And then I'm flooded with guilt, even though I know that we are on our journey TOGETHER.

I think this is super important. My guess is that until you can comfortably ask for help knowing that you DESERVE help, you will continue to do the work of three people. At your core level, it's what you think is right for you. You have to find a way to change that on the inside before you will be able to really change it on the outside.

some ways to change:

books -- this seems like a good path, very doable. I'm not Christian and I'm guessing that my favorite books for this kind of thing wouldn't work for you. I think that getting recommendations from other Christians could be helpful. May be post this specific question on the spirituality board.

journaling/thinking about it -- may be figuring *why* you believe this would help you release it. Some people work on this kind of thing in counseling, but I'm guessing that from a time/money/guilt about doing anything for yourself point of view, counseling might not be an option for you right now.

[sapphire_chan]

For me at least, part of the guilt in asking for help comes from feeling like the fact that I have to ask for help means that I'm treating my dh like a child. And it gets mixed in with resenting that I have to ASK instead of him just being an adult living in a house where stuff needs to get done.

What helped me was figuring out what annoyed me the most and was the hardest for me to do, in my case it was dealing with the trash, and having that be his job entirely. The most I have to do with the trash is telling him when cans he doesn't see as often are getting full. When he agreed to take that task on as being his job and not something he was doing as a favor to me (get the difference?) he asked for that sort of reminder, otherwise I wouldn't even do that much. He asks ME to put a new bag in the trash can "if you have the time, sorry to ask, but I need to hurry to work"

In your case, since you have a LOT more going on than I do, there should be bigger/more tasks that are your dh's complete responsibility and you only have to think about them if they really intrude on your awareness or if he asks you specially to take care of it.

[bass chick]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

For me at least, part of the guilt in asking for help comes from feeling like the fact that I have to ask for help means that I'm treating my dh like a child. And it gets mixed in with resenting that I have to ASK instead of him just being an adult living in a house where stuff needs to get done.

You said that very well...described my feeling to a T. Why should I have to ask? When I ask it seems like I am asking for a huge favor!

He has told me before he just doesn't notice things like I do. And given the kind of home he grew up in, I'm guessing that the only way he could have survived was to turn that part of his brain off. They had tons of little dogs...and lots of dog waste all over the place. Ick. Ick. Ick.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by bass chick 

Part of my problem is that I need to learn how to ask for help. I have made a list of stuff for DH to do and then I say very sheepishly "I made a list of stuff you could do if you wanted to...not that I'm expecting you to do it or demanding that you do it...just if you want to...you know...whatever." And then I'm flooded with guilt, even though I know that we are on our journey TOGETHER.

I think this is super important. My guess is that until you can comfortably ask for help knowing that you DESERVE help, you will continue to do the work of three people. At your core level, it's what you think is right for you. You have to find a way to change that on the inside before you will be able to really change it on the outside.

As I was thinking about it last night, this became a fear for me...you know, something in myself that I actually have to work on. Geesh. It is a good wake-up call. Changes need to be made not only in my environment, but in my own personal self.

[JTA Mom]

I think that a lot of what you added, while nice in giving background info, does not change my response. If your husband hates that he isn't working, then he needs to find another job. He NEEDS to find another one because in your first post, you said he doesn't know if there is work from day to day, aka when he is getting paid.

As for investing a large amount of savings into real estate. That is something you do ONLY when you are self-supporting. One does not put all one's eggs in one basket. What if a renter stops paying? Then what?

It sounds like your husband is trying to find an easy way to make money. Buying homes with a partner in the hopes it will pay off. Working in an unsteady/unreliable line of work. Etc. Are you guys even making money on the properties at all?

And you said that you CANNOT keep doing this. Then mention that in '10 years time...'. There's a disconnect right there. If you cannot keep going like this, you cannot keep going like this, regardless of the payoff. I could have us living in a filthy basement apartment in a dangerous neighborhood to save up money to get a downpayment on a home. Sure, it would take years. And by dangerous I mean NO cops go there, NO one is walking on the streets during the day and people in the apartment complexes there keep roosters. I don't do it because even though the 'payoff' will be great, it would be much to big of a sacrifice.

You are sacrificing your mental health, and therefore your physical health for a pay off that may or may not occur. I did this until I got PPD so badly this time around I could not function and began contemplating suicide. Let me tell you, the therapy and medication I am taking are NOT cheap, but there is no viable alternative. Through therapy, I have made changes in my daily life that, had I instituted earlier, would have avoided a big chunk of this issue. For example, I realized a big part of the issue was that I, like you, could not hand off responsibilities. I felt guilty for giving my husband some share of child/household care. I felt guilty taking a couple hours a week to myself. But now that I did that, it's made a HUGE change. And my dh is also in a better mood as well. He has time to bond with his sons he didn't before.

Your depression is telling you that something is NOT right. The amount of reasons you gave are NOT sufficient. If they were, you wouldn't be experiencing a worsening of your symptoms. Something needs to change, big time. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have an equal partner. And even the 'background' you gave sounds like your dh is blaming those around him than taking responsibility. The 'foreman' is the problem, the time it takes to see results is the 'problem'. The other pastors were the 'problem'. The truth is, there is politics in everything. It's fine to vent about it, but it is life. Constantly being someone else's victim gets old. And that is what your husband is doing. Because all these other people are controlling his life. and he is getting away with it because you are picking up the slack. Shoot, you even mention that one of your daycare kids is a huge troublemaker. Yet you haven't thrown her out or closed the daycare. So what if the pastors were gossipy? Your dh could still do good work.

I think it's time for both of you to really sit down and explain the reality of what is happening. If that is too much, write it in a letter. Please, don't take what I am saying as being mean. You mention your depression is getting worse, your kids are suffering. The situation is NOT okay.

If you still have problems expressing yourself or what you should do, what would you say if one of your kids came to you with the same issues. What would you tell them? Sometimes it is easier to see things when it is affecting someone else, when some distance is put into the situation.

hugs

Ami

[bass chick]

Ami,

That is a lot for me to digest!!

There are 2 different views in DH's work situation:

1. "Good for you!! Good for you for getting out of a toxic work environment and looking for something that you really enjoy!"

2. "Why can't you just stick with something, even if you don't like it? Find something else to do and then resign, not the other way around!"

And there are 2 different views for my work:

1. "Good for you! You don't ever quit or give up, even when times are really rough, you just plow right through."

2. "Why don't you make the changes that are necessary for your immediate happiness? Why do something you don't love? Life is too short!"

It seems that DH and I have clashing work views. Opposites attract! I don't have the energy to sit down and talk to him about it right now and I'm afraid it will turn into an arguement.

I also wonder if I don't just need a vacation. I've only been running my dayhome for 1.5 years, but also during that 1.5 years I have only taken 4 days off for a family reunion (which can hardly be called a vacation! lol!)

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by bass chick 
It seems that DH and I have clashing work views. Opposites attract! I don't have the energy to sit down and talk to him about it right now and I'm afraid it will turn into an arguement.

....I also wonder if I don't just need a vacation. I've only been running my dayhome for 1.5 years, but also during that 1.5 years I have only taken 4 days off for a family reunion (which can hardly be called a vacation! lol!)

There's nothing wrong with a little argument. Couples who argue are actually more likely to stay married because they work things out. Couples who don't argue are more likely to just shove feelings away and grow apart. My DH and I spent time in marriage counseling, and we worked on Rules for Fair Fighting. We learned to make our arguments more productive. Not arguing was never the goal.

I'm sure you do need a vacation, but it's not all you need. It would make you feel better temporarily, but then you are going to go back to the same problems and situation. If you take a vacation but then go back to  living in fear of saying how you feel and feeling guilty if you ask for help, you'll end up feeling the exact same way you do right now very soon.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by bass chick 

Ami,

That is a lot for me to digest!!

There are 2 different views in DH's work situation:

1. "Good for you!! Good for you for getting out of a toxic work environment and looking for something that you really enjoy!"

2. "Why can't you just stick with something, even if you don't like it? Find something else to do and then resign, not the other way around!"

And there are 2 different views for my work:

1. "Good for you! You don't ever quit or give up, even when times are really rough, you just plow right through."

2. "Why don't you make the changes that are necessary for your immediate happiness? Why do something you don't love? Life is too short!"

It seems that DH and I have clashing work views. Opposites attract! I don't have the energy to sit down and talk to him about it right now and I'm afraid it will turn into an arguement.

I also wonder if I don't just need a vacation. I've only been running my dayhome for 1.5 years, but also during that 1.5 years I have only taken 4 days off for a family reunion (which can hardly be called a vacation! lol!)

I'd just say that there's usually an in between, not just an either/or black and white.  There's no doubt you're in a tough time right now.  But some balance might get you some relief.