Rules, Rewards, and Consequences

[mom2happy]

I've read about 15-20 parenting books in the past 2 years. A few have been very helpful. They all have the same basic premise.... Positive reinforcement, praise, love, gentleness, modeling your own behavior..........

This has worked beautifully for my 5 (almost 6) year old DS. It's the way I want to parent and what comes naturally to me.

It just isn't working with DD. It seems like things just don't click. I'm starting to think the way I'm doing things is just to vague for her to grasp.

I've posted about her before. She is almost 8 and has some major behavior/ self control issues at home.

Her behavior and personality at school are "model student", as the principal says.

I'm just throwing that into the mix- so it is known that she can control herself when she has to or will be embarrassed about her actions.

I know she is very sensitive and extremely strong willed. These are both admirable traits when channeled in the right direction. She just has not responded will to the methods that most kids just "get".

She has tantrums, she throws things, she calls us the most terrible names she can think of, she just becomes awful to be around and cant let go of anything.

On Friday I started a rules and points system. I don't really like these types of things, but I think it might be working.

I think this little girl of mine really needs to have a system. I think her brain just might work this way.

I haven't yelled in 4 days. I'm not a yeller anyway, but I usually have to raise my voice once or twice a day for something to happen/ not happen.

I wrote down a list of rules and for every rule followed that day, she gets points.

For every rule not followed, she just doesn't get points for that rule and can try harder the next day.

The points add up to be her privileges. If she saves up her points she will be rewarded with trips to the art studio, movies, etc.

As much as I don't like this type of thing, I'm starting to think that anything I can do the break this chain of out of control behavior could be good for her brain. I'm scared of her just becoming increasingly hardwired to have these reactions to not getting her way or being able to cope with things in life.

I'm remaining very positive all day with her and not giving any reaction to her bad behavior.

Does anyone have any success stories for a method like this or any tidbits of advice for me?

[skreader]

I think that it sounds like you've figured out a method to help her learn self-control. Different kids want and need different types of handling and teaching.

I think that "firm and clear" is not the opposite of "gentle", so good for you and see how things go.

[ssh]

You said she was a model student at school. They are very rule and reward oriented there. Some people do find a system more motivating just like some people need lists. I sympathize with you, I'd find it uncomfortable too. But you have to do what works as long as it's respectful.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by ssh 

You said she was a model student at school. They are very rule and reward oriented there. Some people do find a system more motivating just like some people need lists. I sympathize with you, I'd find it uncomfortable too. But you have to do what works as long as it's respectful.

Yeah I honestly despise this kind of stuff.

After much resistance from DD agreeing to start this system ( I told her I would have to withhold privileges until she would try)

She came around quickly.

I asked her how she felt about herself and all of the good behavior she's been having.

She said she was very proud of herself. So this is a step in the right direction. I don't think she even believed herself capable of self control and I guess on paper she sees that she indeed has it.

It especially upsets me because I can't leave DS out of it and his "rewards" in life are just that he and everyone else is happy and having a good time. I can't leave him out of this though. The positive tone of the whole thing would make him feel left out.

I also can't give him different rewards or points. Not quite sure what to do about that. I might have some fine tuning to do.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for resorting to bribery. I'm trying to keep the peace in my mind by allowing  DD be responsible for her choices and hope HOPE hope that this will help her get better habits for self control.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

It especially upsets me because I can't leave DS out of it and his "rewards" in life are just that he and everyone else is happy and having a good time. I can't leave him out of this though. The positive tone of the whole thing would make him feel left out.

I also can't give him different rewards or points. Not quite sure what to do about that. I might have some fine tuning to do.

I think your kids are old enough to understand that each person has different things that are hard for  them. What does he have trouble with? What does he need to learn? Maybe those can be the things that you work on.

Originally Posted by mom2happy

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for resorting to bribery. I'm trying to keep the peace in my mind by allowing  DD be responsible for her choices and hope HOPE hope that this will help her get better habits for self control.

I'd try to look at it a different way: You're trying to teach your daughter a skill. She needed to have that skill broken down into discrete points. You're not going to be giving her points for not having a tantrum when she's 12! Hopefully by then, she'll have learned that skill. You may well be giving points for other things, but that's OK. You've figure out how your child learns.

Not all children respond to rewards charts. Dd took the reward chart that I'd made (one point for doing her homework, practicing piano and doing chores without major whining) and wrote: I HATE CHORES across the top. She just wasn't that motivated to get those points. (Ds, on the other hand, responds beautifully to them.)

[mom2happy]

This is exactly what DD does too. That's why I made a list and keep it in my folder. There is no chart. The only thing the kids get at the end of the day is a ticket with the amount of points they earned.

Iv'e tried to make cute room cleaning charts and star charts for little sweet things I catch them doing. She always grabs them, crinkles them up, and then walks away with her little butt sticking out all bratty.

Gee, she hasnt thrown it away once .  Funny how that piece of paper is okay.

She of course is not "playing my baby rules game", but last night a half hour after she reminded me of that, she actually asked me if we could sit down and go over her day.

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Not all children respond to rewards charts. Dd took the reward chart that I'd made (one point for doing her homework, practicing piano and doing chores without major whining) and wrote: I HATE CHORES across the top. She just wasn't that motivated to get those points.  

[faithrainbow]

If you're feelling bad about 'bribing' her, you could think about rewards that you feel really good about.  For example, if she gets a certain amount of points you and she can go somewhere that she loves together (just the two of you?), or she could have more control over a project that you're doing together (she gets to choose which vegetables to plant in a certain garden bed), etc.