I "caved"

[Phoenix~Mama]

So I finally had my CS conference last Friday.  My case got closed because my last conference was scheduled during the time I was hospitalized for pre-eclampsia and they wouldn't accept my phone call asking for them to move the date/time.

It was... eventful.  Ex did a good job of making himself look like a UAV (surprise. lol)  Someone he works with told him he had the option of asking them to not take his bonuses into consideration, and he actually asked about it.  The lady told him that since his company cuts him a check for it yearly, and it's part of his W-2 earnings, it's considered family money.

Let me tell you how hard it was to not burst out laughing because for the past 3 years he has told me all about how his bonus money is HIS money that he worked hard for and how it's not family money.  So it was rather interesting/nice to hear the lady tell him that it really is family money.

But then the part came where they told me the amount they were awarding me... It was higher than I even estimated using their online calculator.  I think in part because they went by our 2010 W-2's, and I was out almost 3 months on only 50% pay due to the pre-eclampsia, and DS being in the NICU, etc... so even though I make $.30 more an hour than him... on the W-2's, he came out making like $6,000 more a year than me!!

So he got really upset as soon as they said the number and the two handling the case looked at each other and said, well you can come to an agreement on a different number if that works for you... and they left the room leaving me alone with him!!!!  I have no idea wtf they were thinking!!!

So that agitated me... and of course ex was yelling at me, etc.  And threatening to take me for 50/50 custody and telling me he could pull the kids out of daycare and watch them himself (even though this would only give him 2 hours of sleep a day!!!!  talk about unsafe environement for children!!!)... so I panicked.

I agreed to $160 less a month than what they originally awarded me...  But the amount is still more than I had estimated I'd get... so somewhere in my head I still feel like it went okay.  *shrugs*

Of course when I got home my parents laid into me hard and freaked out on me for about a half hour and telling me they couldn't even look at me right then because I was so stupid to let him slide for less.

But I did feel bad for him... (go figure after all this, I can still sometimes feel bad for the guy) because I know what he'd have left if I went for the full amount... harly anything to live on.  Granted... he has the option of getting a second job that I won't touch the money from.  Lots of parents in similiar situations have to do that.  Or!  He could plan ahead with his income tax return and bonuses, instead of blowing it all on himself...

Because then he was upset about how much he is in the arrears already.  (this is only going back to December, and he gave me 2 checks in that time, and I pulled DS out of daycare too, so this gives an idea how pathetic an amount he was paying me)... but I had told him that he should have saved some of his bonus and write me a bigger check during the time I had to track what he was giving me for domestics, so he wouldn't be as far in the hole.  But of course he blew me off...  so yeah, I don't know why I still feel sorry for him.  So on top of the amount I settled for he has to give 10% arrears too until he is caught up... which is going to take awhile. 

But I can petition a modification at anytime... and I figure it'll be okay until DS goes back into daycare anyway.  *shrugs*

It's not my fault the government decided a pathetically low amount that people can live on, and what percentage of a non-custodial's check they can take...  So I'm not sure how to stop feeling bad about it?  Ideas?

[MeepyCat]

Mama, if they left me alone in a room with a guy who yelled at me and threatened me, I'd pay $160 a month to get out of there, no question.  That was not in any way stupid.

The money you've been awarded is for the kids, and should have been available for their care all along.  His fault it wasn't.  He can cope.  Consider the extra above what you need right now as savings for their future, and possibly as negotiating room.  The only way I would give up the extra, if I were you, is in exchange for something else that I wanted. 

[sparklefairy]

How much of your income goes to supporting your kids? Why should he contribute any less?

[sparklefairy]

And I'm sorry that your parents are treating you that way. It makes me want to scream, "Everything you do with her makes her feel like she doesn't deserve anything good from anyone. How do you expect her to respond?"

[hillymum]

WTF were they thinking leaving you alone in a room with him? I would make a formal complaint and explain you agreed to less because he was being abusive. thats almost $2000 less a year for your child! Was there any recording devise being used to back up your side of him being a UAV? I'm sorry it happened!

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm really not concerned with getting extra money right now... DS will not be able to be out of daycare forever.  (My Mom is sleeping 2nd shift, working 3rd, and watching DS until I get home right now, she won't be able to do this very long term, but as he has gotten very sick, we needed to pull him out of daycare).  I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get over not feeling bad when the time comes that he goes into daycare and I need to file for a modification, and to try to stand my ground in the future...

[doubledutch]

yeah, that is so ridiculous that they left the room while you two "negotiated" which was actually just him bullying you.

don't feel bad about the compromise though.  you knew they were using skewed numbers, and it's entirely possible that this is closer to "fair", whatever that means.

i'm sorry your parents are horrible people.

[ZoeyZoo]

You did what was best for your sanity. Totally understandable both your decision and dealing with your parents. If it makes you feel better I make a ton more than my XH and I have started refusing giving any details to my parents because they complain about everything and I just don't want to hear it.

Now I don't understand why they left you and your alone in this case unless you hadn't filed anything about your past with him. In my state you can ask for that to be part of the consideration so that you don't have to face eachother in certain cases.

[BabyBearsMummy]

WOW Phoenix-Mama you deserve so much better then the way you are currently being treated by your ex and your parents     

[zeta zeta]

You did good mama. 

[vannienicole]

Our lawyers once left us in a lobby together while they talked.  After I yelled from the lobby to the office for my lawyer and another lawyer was about to step in to stop him, they didn't make that mistake again.  (And at that point my lawyer was about to not figure in some extra amounts....that changed her mind)

Hugs from a mom who has been there.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama 

I'm really not concerned with getting extra money right now... DS will not be able to be out of daycare forever.  (My Mom is sleeping 2nd shift, working 3rd, and watching DS until I get home right now, she won't be able to do this very long term, but as he has gotten very sick, we needed to pull him out of daycare).  I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get over not feeling bad when the time comes that he goes into daycare and I need to file for a modification, and to try to stand my ground in the future...

They shouldn't have left you alone.  And the next time you go in for a modification, make it clear to them that the only reason you agreed to a lower amount this time is because they left him alone with you to harass, bully and yell at you.  If they even attempt to leave you alone with him again, follow them out and let them know that it is not acceptable for them to leave you alone with him.  You will not accept less than what the guidelines state and you don't want to be put in a position that gives your ex an opportunity to harass, bully and yell at you to coerce you into accepting less like this time. 

[One_Girl]

I think you should call them and let them know what happened and that they should be more careful in the future.  Maybe even make a complaint to the supervisor because that is a serious mistake on their part.  He could have physically hurt you, a shockingly high percentage of men do go violent around divorce matters, and it was very stupid of them to leave you in that situation. 

[hillymum]

I've been thinking about this a bit more and am wondering if you have a restraining order against your ex? If not that may be why they thought the two of you could be left in a room together. I think they should have still checked with you before walking out though.

[lilyka]

you did what was best for today.  When things settle down and/or if it comes to a point where you need that money enough to mess with him, you can have a new support hearing.

As for leaving yo in a room with him.  I would talk to someone about it.  Did yo ask to not be left alone?  Did yo voice concern for your safety?  Do you have a restraining order?  Did you ask if you could leave the room until they got back?  When I had my child support hearing if I wanted someone with me I could have brought them or I could have had my lawyer present.  But since I did not have a restraining order against him there would be no reason for them not to leave me alone with him.

[Everrgreen]

I understand the caving.  I had my mediation with my stbx last week and he did not yell at me or try and scare me or anything, and I still 'caved' to him a bit.  Just because it's such a high stress thing to go through and all I want is to get it done as soon as possible.  Although we didn't get finished so now we have to go back and now that I've had time away from it I'm thinking maybe I won't cave.  Unless he really won't back down.  Because I would like to get this done asap.  And I am still asking for quite a bit from him.

If my stbx was abusive there is no way I would be left alone with him.  I like the pp suggestion of just leaving alongside the lawyers if they leave.  Don't stay.  Don't let them leave you there.  And if they say something about it then tell them what happens when you are left alone with him.

Good luck :) 

[Everrgreen]

Also, so is the extra money something you need only to help pay for daycare?  Because in my agreement child support is separate from daycare costs.  It is written in that there will be X amount for child support and on top of that my stbx will be responsible for helping with daycare, extracurricular actvities, etc.  It is based on percentage of income and I need to supply him with a reciept and he has to reimburse me within 5 days.  Maybe you could do something like that? 

[Phoenix~Mama]

I do not have a restraining order on ex... I just never felt compelled to get one since things never got physical.  (I know... I know...)  But I was trying really hard to just keep the peace and keep my stress levels low over the summer since I was starting to show signs of complications with the pregnancy then, and my MW was urging me to reduce as much stress as possible.  So the last thing I needed was to go file for PFA just for harrasment.  That would have made new levels of drama I did not need.

Ex just likes to harass me... and I've gotten really good at not taking his phone calls now and only texting him.  That has alleviated a TON of stress for me and has given me a lot of empowerment of not dealing with him.  :)

As for the conference... I'm kind of shocked they left us alone.  Our lawyers were not there, as child support is pretty cut and dry here.  It does factor in daycare on top of child support as long as you provide a statement from the daycare (which I did), as well as after $250 medical, he will be resonsible for sharing in the uncovered costs, based off of income percentage, this is all handled through domestic relations.

The two clerks handling our conference are the ones who left.  Now, I guess I dropped the ball as I did not call in before hand and clue them in that ex is abusive.  My Mom and my BF both urged me to alert a guard or something, because both were concerned with him following me to my car afterwards and raging at me.  But I had a plan to duck into the ladies room for a bit and I know ex would not wait for me there... so I never alerted anyone, because I honestly did not feel I had anything to worry about.  He is a verbal and emotional abuser. I figured the conference would be fine, because like I said, it's cut and dry... we give them our earnings, etc, they input it into their little computer and voila!  Them leaving for us to "discuss" an alternative amount really threw me through a loop.

I did only sit and listen to ex a short amount of time before I told him I was done discussing it and I got up and opened the door, thinking the clerks would be right outside... but I did not see them, so I just stood by the door, looking around like a fool... the whole thing was unsettling.

Maybe I should call and mention about what happened and have it marked that under no circumstances should I ever be left alone with him again.  I don't fear for my safety from him... he's all talk and usually empty threats... but I don't need the bullying either.  Since I didn't hold up to that so well...

[Phoenix~Mama]

So frustrated!  And I guess this is why I didn't want to take the trouble calling in the first place... because every agency I have dealt with in this area is STUPID!!!

I called domestics to try to get it noted in my file that ex and I should never be left alone, and what happened at the conference. They were kind of snooty and were like, well they do that all the time...they always give parties the option of working it out themselves. I told them it was a stupid policy because obviously it leaves it open for one party to get brow beaten all the time. They said I can submit the request in writing and then security will be there in the future… I said that I didn't want security there because then he'd know something was up and that would make my life more difficult, I just don't want to be left alone with him! And they said well all you can do is submit the request in writing, we can't guarantee anything… WTF?!!! How can they not guarantee anything??!!! You would think they are used to this sort of thing and would have proper procedures in place. WTF?! Really??!!
 

[Chantelle691]

That's just wrong. :(

 I'm sorry.