How to help a 4-year-old learn play by himself?

[karin95]

My 4-year-old has NEVER wanted to play by himself. As a baby, we happily wore him, carried him around with us, played with him, etc. As he got older, we tried having him play by our side while we folded laundry, cooked, got dressed, showered, etc. And it didn't work very well. He would accept our split attention for a little while, but not long enough to actually get anything done.

He's a very imaginative kiddo and early on learned that it was more fun to have a parent playing *with* him, because he liked the interaction. Or something. I don't know.

There's no real *reason*, as far as I can tell. All I know is this:

he is 4 years old and will not play by himself if we ask him to. Not even if we're in the same room doing something else. And the few times that he does - like this morning when I brought my clothes into his room to get dressed - he stands/sits as close as humanly possible and makes it hard to get anythign done.

Occasionally he will organically start playing by himself. Like if we're doing something and I leave the room to go to the bathroom (and he doesn't follow me, which he usually does), sometimes by the time I get back, he's involved in playing on his own. Taht's great. but if I just leave him be and start doing something else, then he feels abandoned once he notices, and it makes it harder for me to leave the room the next time!

My partner and I are home with him a lot of the time (he goes to preschool 2 days/week and has tons of fun with friends there) and we just can't play Buzz Lightyear or trucks or Lego all freakin' day!

If I really want to get somethign done, I have to put him in front of a video. He'll sit on the couch with some toys and watch a video and play with the toys and have a snack. and if he's in the mood for videos, I can get 30-60 mins from that. But we save taht for important things like showers and braiding his hair and stuff like that. I don't want him watching videos very often.

The other part is that he really does ENJOY playing by himself. He's given up naps recently, and we've made him have "quiet time" if he's not going to sleep. So he has to stay in our shared bedroom or in his playroom for about 45 mins and not come out until his "alarm light" turns on. Sometimes he complains about this, but usually he's fine. But he only does it because we have given him consequences for fussing about it, or asking to come out before quiet time is over.

I hate forcing him to play, but I feel like it's the only way to get some alone time for him (and his parents!)

I'd like to be able to say "I'm going to cook dinner" and have him play (in the playroom right next to the kitchen, or in the LR) while I do that - 20-30 mins! I don't mind him talking to me, or asking questions, or whatever, but I'd like him to basically be on his own and not constantly asking us to play! (and even if we say, ok, i'll play with you when i'm done gettign dressed, he still nags while we're getting dressed. argh.)

Okay, I'm babbling. I just wondered if anyone has had a similar kid. I know a lot of parents who say "oh, yeah, my kid won't play by themselves for more than 15 minutes!" Or think they know what I'm talking about, but realize that their kid actually does play by themselves while dinner's cooking, or they're putting their other kid down for a nap, or wahtever. My kid does NOT do any of those things and I want to know how to teach him how. :)

[puddle]

This is my daughter exactly.  She's always been super high needs, and that hasn't stopped.  She's a few months away from 4, but still almost never plays by herself.  The way I've coped may not be something you're okay with and may not be popular, but I realized that in order to survive this kid, for me, I had to relax my standards about limiting media.  The longest stretches I can get of time to do anything is by letting her watch TV, play video games, or play games on her laptop. Even so, she typically wants me to be involved, but it's the best shot I've got.  With a new baby coming along in a couple of months, I'll probably have to rely on it even more--but I am hoping that not being an only child will get me some relief in the near future.  If you're not okay with allowing more media use, could you get a mother's helper to play with him while you get stuff done?  The only other way I can manage is to include DD with what I'm doing, which of course makes it take twice as long, but she does love to help cook and clean.

[Neera]

subbing

[Snowflake777]

Stalking this thread!

My DD's younger, but I'd like some help with the same issue. I know you can't change your child's nature, but some ideas for encouraging independent play would be great.

Someone suggested to me in another thread that I could try CDs for her - music or audio books. I'm going to give that a go.

[karin95]

i'm not entirely against increasing his media time, but it isn't a long-term fix. I'd like him to understand that playing by himself is fun. He does have fun when we he does it "accidentally", but his go-to is that he wants us to play with him, and if we're putting him off or saying we don't want to, then he whines for a friend to come over, or to go to a friend's house. He does these things pretty often, but a lot of his friends are in pre-K already and are in school 5days/week until 3ish. I don't want him to think he can only have fun if he's with a friend, or playing with a parent. He's an only child and will remain such, so he will be better off if he's comfortable and happy playing on his own. ya know? He LOVES to bake and cook, and has been doing it since he was 18 months old or so, but he's used to doing almost everything himself, so a regular dinner cooking project that has one or 2 things that are safe for him to do...that's boring. And we have a play kitchen in the kitchen, but he'll only play with that for a few minutes if we're trying to cook...and then he wants us to play with him. Sometimes we force the issue, and he does get time-outs for whining or nagging, when we've told him what the plan is, but again, I don't want playing by himself to be a chore.

[madskye]

DD doesn't like to play with toys but she loves a pad and a pencil, markers, or pens.  She is a scribbling fiend!  Now she's five and can write words, but last year she would just sit at the kitchen table and scribble pages and pages of notes and pictures for me.  Have you tried that?

[LuckyMommaToo]

My son is now 7, and this describes him to a T at age 4. He's extremely extroverted. Which can be especially frustrating for me b/c I'm introverted.

Learning to read has helped more than anything. Now that he reads really well, I can send him to the couch or his room and he'll actually stay there for awhile (assuming I've been to the library and restocked, that is!).

Honestly, school and playdates are my sanity. And I've accepted that he's a kid who would rather be around other people. Period. It's easier now that he's older -- I will often say, "I have to cook dinner, but you're welcome to stand there and chat with me if you'd like." Oh, I just remembered -- when my son was 4 and I needed to get dinner ready, I'd tell him it was table time. I'd put a couple choices on the table (like playdoh and tools, maze books, dot-to-dots, legos, puzzles) and he could pick something to do and still be near me.

I feel your pain. Hope you find some solutions.

-e

p.s. Also, my son is such a bright, engaging, happy kid. So outgoing and well-liked. Just a reminder that this personality type definitely has its upside!

[ElliesMomma]

why is he in preschool only 2 days a week? do you have him in some other activities as well? library story time? some park district programs? sports? i would also step up the playdates, try to do one each week. if his playmates are in school full time, schedule them for after school hours. 

frankly, i don't think you can really "teach" a child to play independently. but you can enforce your boundaries i guess. does he like to read books? ("read" -- look at pictures, etc.)

but, what i sometimes do to keep my kids engaged in their toys, if they walk away and bug me while i am trying to type on the computer (for example), is i will shut the computer, and say, look we just took out X toys in the other room. since nobody's playing there, come with me back in there and help me clean them up. that usually works like a charm -- suddenly, they are interested in playing with those toys again.

also, i will announce at the beginning of a block of time that we can have free play time for the next hour or so, and then we have to do such and such. if they don't engage with some free play activity but instead pester me, i will abruptly quit what i'm doing and say, OK free play is over. start to clean up your toys. then they want free play to continue. it SOMETIMES works.

[meemee]

first know that is an only child syndrome. i feel man was not meant to be alone. if he had other siblings you would not be complaining. 

also he is plenty old to be doing chores and working along with you. 

also this is a typical age appropriate thing. i recall our preschool not insisting on play by yourself till 5. some kids do but some like your son take their time. 

i also feel (this has nothing to do with you) we need to rethink our 'toys'. by about that age kids are more into 'doing' than playing. so you need more crafty things, or experimenting things or things like the geoboard. anything to let their imaginations go. dd at that age could spend HOURS mixing different liquids together and seeing what happens. 

[pinky]

Wait for him to get older.   Seriously.  In both my kids I saw a huge jump in their ability to self-entertain at around 5.  And then as a PP said, when they were able to read independently, there was another big jump.

[D_McG]

I'd continue to set limits.  It's good for him, really.  Like your down time you have him do.  I would be equally firm about giving you time to cook etc.  I have always done that.  Once mine were remotely capable of entertaining themselves I've set very clear boundaries on my jobs vs. their jobs.  I don't think it's good for me or for them to play together all the time.  It's just not the right dynamic for us as a family.  So if I'm cooking and they were nagging me then they are being rude.  I asked for time, I need the time, I take the time.  

[karin95]

It's a good point that we just might need to wait until he's a bit older. He's always been high maintenance, so 4 years of constantly interacting with him is...a bit much...but that doesn't mean it's going to stop when we decide. :)

We love his personality, and he's really awesome. He's very social and is a calm, wonderful kid, especially with his friends. He loves to read books with us, he loves art and crafts projects and will sit with us for hours doing painting or play-do, or having us create complicated sea creatures out of paper and stuffing them and "feeding" them, etc., etc.

He's in preschool 2 days because we do enjoy being with him, and we don't love the curriculum at the pre-school, so don't want to spend the money for him to go 5 days. He loves being at home, too. We'd actually love to homeschool him because his learning style goes very well with an unschooling approach...however, he's very social and our local HS'ing groups are NOT, so for his sake we're going to send him to the public Montessori school (hopefully starting next fall). He has Music Together class, storytime at the library, swim class, and at least 2-3 playdates per week. These are great for him, but require a parent to be with him, and they don't quell his need for us to fully interact with him when we get home.

Part of the problem is that my partner and I are often home at the same, as neither of us work full-time, so often one of us wants to be relaxing while the other is doing something like cooking. He can be okay, sometimes, if we need to do a THING - like cooking or getting dressed - but if we just want to read or use the computer or talk on the phone...he's incapable of leaving us alone. Understandable, just annoying. We have a small apartment - 2 tiny bedrooms - so there's really no where for an adult to go behind a closed door and do their own thing.

Of course, after posting this, he totally played happily this morning while I did my bathroom routine and got dressed. It's the magical power of the internet!

[puddle]

One other thing I thought of that I do for computer time, etc. is to join in a game that requires very little effort on my part.  For example, DD likes to pretend she's a dog and wants me to throw treats for her while she does tricks.  I can easily do that from the couch while typing on my laptop.  Another great one is that she loves hunting for (empty) Easter eggs year round.  I'll throw them around then give her a basket and she'll gather them up.  It takes me 2 seconds to scatter the eggs but it will take her a few minutes to gather them, so I get down time while she's gathering them up.  Another poster mentioned the introvert/extrovert issue, and that's a big one for us.  DD is very extroverted and loves to be interacting with other people.  DH and I are both introverted, so while we need lots of down time and quiet time to recharge, DD doesn't need any.  Time alone is as draining for her as time interacting is for DH and me.  Also, sometimes I can get a small break by giving DD a set amount of time and promising (and following through) to do something fun with her when it's over.  "Mommy needs to rest/read/read my e-mail/etc. until this timer goes off, and then we can play Go Fish."

[newbie_mary]

This sounds exactly like my DS.  Now that he is almost 5, he is starting to play by himself!  I never thought it would happen.  I second the idea of playdates, though.  I've discovered that the way that I can get some things accomplished is to have another child over to play, although not just any child...there are definitely those who take more interaction from me, and others who play very well with DS.  Hang in there - it will get better!

[Okapi]

My 3 year old DD is the same way! Her latest catch phrases are "mommy, I want all of you!" and "but I don't like to be alone!" (the latter usually screamed if I dare say something like "I'm going to grab X from the kitchen"). As a pretty extreme introvert, it is really getting to me. I cannot wait until she can go to preschool, though that likely won't be until the fall. She does have a weekly gymnastics class and she is just now in the child-only class, which I am loving. She also started taking swim lessons once a week. They are shorter, but I can still sit in a chair and not interact with anyone for half an hour.

Some things that DD does get interested in enough to forget that I'm not right there with her are spooning or pouring dry beans or rice from one container to another (one time she did that for 30 min while I did my own thing across the room!) and also I can sometimes give her food coloring and a clear container with water in it and she will mix the colors for a while. And as others have said, if she is in the mood, she will sometimes watch TV for 5 or 10 min w/o needing reassurance that I'm there. I have occasionally wished she was one of those kids who 'turns into a zombie' in front of the TV *insert paper-bag-over-head smilie*

If there are other people around she has no problem separating from me (just yesterday she ran off to play w/ the little girl across the street, who she hadn't seen in months, and was perfectly happy for close to an hour!), she just doesn't like to be alone. It is so foreign to me. I have been wondering if she is an extrovert or if it's just developmental. I keep reminding myself that there will come a day when she doesn't want to be around me all the time, and then I will miss her, but it is still hard.

[karin95]

Quote:Originally Posted by Okapi 

My 3 year old DD is the same way! Her latest catch phrases are "mommy, I want all of you!" and "but I don't like to be alone!" (the latter usually screamed if I dare say something like "I'm going to grab X from the kitchen").

-------

Yes, this is what my son does. He will follow me (or my partner) around like a cat - constantly touching our bodies or standing under our feet. He is not allowed to go further than the threshhold to the kitchen when we're doing something in there because it's just not safe for him to be at our elbows (we have a small kitchen). He still forgets and follows us into the kitchen and has to be reminded numerous times. His playroom is off the kitchen, and even sitting in the doorway with a toy is sometimes too far for him.

I think it's just a way that some kids/people are, especially at this age. I appreciate all the ideas about sitting him down with pouring projects, arts, writing, whatever...and I'm sure there are kids who love this stuff enough to get immersed and do it for a while, but I'm pretty sure the issue has nothing to do with the types of toys of projects we give him. He has all those things, and loves them. He loves crafts, loves pouring, loves "doing dishes", loves helping to clean, loves drawing/painting. But he only loves them if someone is doing it with him. He will sometimes wait until we are available (I'm going to warm up my lunch and then I'll come out), but usually he just WAITS. He doens't get started until I'm sitting down with him. He just really craves company.

There are a few times he will play by himself, and that's really only under "force", one of them being right before bed or something else that he doesn't want to do. If he thinks he can delay bedtime by continuing to do the fun thing he's doing - he'll keep at it for a long time. But we can't have it be bedtime all the time. ;)

Thanks all for the ideas and the commiserating. :)

[puddle]

One other thing I just thought I'd throw out there--is it possible that your son has some sensory issues?  One of my friends has a high needs son with a similar personality who is currently in OT for sensory issues, and I strongly suspect that my own DD has them as well.  I think that sort of goes along with the need for constant physical contact.  I'm not planning on having my own DD evaluated at this point, but if you're really going crazy, it may be worth investigating, especially if there are any other issues (avoiding specific sensations, certain textures of foods, etc.).

[Neera]

I happened to read this book 'The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask (Pre-K through 2nd Grade)'  recently and this was the 2nd question answered by the author.She explained what is going on with the kid pschologically. It was like a light bulb moment for me and I finally got it why dd is so needy. I'd recommend you to read it.