"She's so white!!"

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My friend needs some comebacks for that comment, and I can't think of a single clever remark.  (I think he should find a new school)

He's a single dad, they live in New Mexico, and he put his two year old in a daycare center last week.  According to him, she's the only blonde haired, blue eyed child in the entire school.  

The Mothers AND the teachers, AND the director comment almost every day "Wow.. she's so white", or "She's so light".  He just smiles, looks confused and drops her off.... but, he wants a clever yet subtle comment to make them think about what they are saying.

He's said "Her parents are white too".  That's all he's come up with so far.  

He doesn't care too much about the comments, and assumes they will get used to what she looks like, but she's two... so, she understands what they are saying.  So, he'd like a way to shut them up now.

They can't be really rude comments though... he wants them to like her too.

[MusicianDad]

Well, he could try making some completely obvious and rude comment about how they look, but that might get him into trouble.

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Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

Well, he could try making some completely obvious and rude comment about how they look, but that might get him into trouble.

I suggested saying "Wow, you've put on some weight", but he didn't think that was funny. 

I thought it was.

[Mosaic]

This topic comes up frequently in Multicultural Families, so if you do a search you'll likely find lots of responses. Personally, I don't see the harm in people commenting/complimenting my children. If they constant focus on physical attributes, I might reguide them a bit, e.g., "Wow, she's so light!" "Yes, and when she smiles she totally lights up the room!" or "Yup, she's so bright she knows all her letters really well!" or something.

I know that in our culture, it's not typically considered polite to comment on someone's physique; but I consider most of these comments to be well-intentioned and kind in spirit, so I encourage my children to think the best of others and to accept compliments as well-meaning more often than not.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Maybe he could say something like, "Wow!  Look at Suzy's beautiful black hair!" or something equally complimentary about another child? 

[sapphire_chan]

My inclination would be to say something like "and you're sooo brown, does it matter?

But the sort of person who is socially clueless enough to make a comment about his dd 's appearance like that is just the sort of person to be socially clueless enough to take grave offense when the tables are turned.

[MistyP]

My aunt is blonde haired, blue eyed and her husband is Hispanic.  Their four kids have dark hair, brown eyes.....their skin isn't as dark as their father's though.  She use to get lots of comments, especially when they were in Mexico and Texas  and would reply, "Well, they look like their daddy!" and leave it at that......   

Now her oldest DD is married and has a blond haired, blue eyed little boy! :)

[mammal_mama]

I think that rather than making a clever comeback, he should have a quiet word with the director. Something along the lines of, "I don't think anyone means anything negative by all the 'white' comments, but I really don't want my dd to feel self conscious or singled out because of her skin tone. I understand that you can't control the comments made by parents, but could you please let the teachers know how I feel about this?"

I'm sure that if the director thinks about it a moment, she'll realize that if the tables were turned and she were living in a predominately light-skinned community, she would not want everyone at her child's school to be commenting on how dark her child was. Sometimes people need to be reminded to just think. It's really not rude for this dad to directly say something, and I think it would be less wearing for him to just talk to the director rather than confronting each and every person who makes these comments.

If your friend plans to stay in this community, his daughter will probably have to become somewhat accustomed to the fact that her light coloring is going to draw people's attention. But she shouldn't have to feel singled out by those caring for her. So I say, talk to the director and if things don't change with the director and teachers, find a new school where they'll understand. But don't sweat it about all the other random people making their random comments.

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Originally Posted by mammal_mama 

I think that rather than making a clever comeback, he should have a quiet word with the director. Something along the lines of, "I don't think anyone means anything negative by all the 'white' comments, but I really don't want my dd to feel self conscious or singled out because of her skin tone. I understand that you can't control the comments made by parents, but could you please let the teachers know how I feel about this?"

I'm sure that if the director thinks about it a moment, she'll realize that if the tables were turned and she were living in a predominately light-skinned community, she would not want everyone at her child's school to be commenting on how dark her child was. Sometimes people need to be reminded to just think. It's really not rude for this dad to directly say something, and I think it would be less wearing for him to just talk to the director rather than confronting each and every person who makes these comments.

If your friend plans to stay in this community, his daughter will probably have to become somewhat accustomed to the fact that her light coloring is going to draw people's attention. But she shouldn't have to feel singled out by those caring for her. So I say, talk to the director and if things don't change with the director and teachers, find a new school where they'll understand. But don't sweat it about all the other random people making their random comments.

Yes.. that's good.  I copied that and sent it to him.    Thanks.

[Drummer's Wife]

Good advice, mammal_mom.  I'm guessing the daycare workers don't realize how it's being taken.  (I also wonder what area they live in, b/c where we are it's mostly white people... not near as culturally/racially diverse as I would like for my own kids - none of whom would get the "she's so white" comment.) 

[LynnS6]

My brother and I were that kid when we were living in Boston. We had white blond hair and really fair complexions. Everyone else in the neighborhood was apparently darker skinned and darker haired (lots of Italian/S. European ancestry) didn't look like us. My brother was in Kindergarten and got a note home that he was looking sickly! He wasn't, he was just pale. Really pale. And blond. (People would stop my mom on the street and comment on how blond we were.)

I agree with mammal_mama about saying something directly -- it really isn't appropriate in this day and age to comment on someone's skin color. I'd also suggest that the dad also include in his repertoire: "Yes, she is. Why are you pointing this out?"

Sometimes people need a little kick to see that their statements are rude. I forgive the people in our neighborhood in Boston because it was 40+ years ago. I would be much more upset today.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

 

Yes.. that's good.  I copied that and sent it to him.    Thanks.

You're welcome. I hope it helps!

 

[lifeguard]

I agree that speaking privately to the director is the best approach. The comments are not meant to be rude in my opinion but in fact complimentary.

I had ds in Costa Rica & EVERYONE would comment on how white he was - I always thought it was funny 'cause obviously dh & I are quite light skinned. They also commented on how fat he was too - which again for babies was a compliment.

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Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife 

Good advice, mammal_mom.  I'm guessing the daycare workers don't realize how it's being taken.  (I also wonder what area they live in, b/c where we are it's mostly white people... not near as culturally/racially diverse as I would like for my own kids - none of whom would get the "she's so white" comment.) 

He doesn't think they are being rude at all, he just wants them to stop pointing out the obvious.  He says they are really nice ladies.   It's in Gallup.

[eepster]

Is it possible that they are just doing a very poor job of trying to tell him he needs to send in a sun hat for her and sunscreen so she won't get sunburned on the playground?

[LROM]

I think if they say this repeatedly, and this is the staff at the daycare, forget the witty comeback... he needs to seriously point out to each and every person that says it that they're saying it in front of a very impressionable child (and also I assume her classmates and whoever else is around each time).  Even if they don't mean it as a negative and it's just an observation, pointing something out even once, never mind on a daily basis, makes the subject of those comments start to feel like something's wrong with them. 

Clearly the comments indicate she's "different", and feelign "different" to a child at any age can be a really traumatic thing.

For me, I'd talk to each person who says it from now on, as well as the Director, and ask if they realize that saying it over and over is most likely making his daughter feel like somethign is wrong, and is that the impact they want to have?  If not, since she's just as white today as she was yesterday and will be tomorrow, please stop commenting on it.  It's unprofessional and really not nice to do to a child, even if no harm is meant.

I'd probably add another part about asking everyone who says it how they'd feel if every day he pointed out something about them, and if they realize how self-conscious that makes a person, but that would probably feel like overkill to many people.

ETA: Just read Mammal Momma's response, and that is much more diplomatic than mine so I think it's much better said!  I do still think that the same thing should be said to everyone who comments though, not just the director.  Even a well -meaning director probably won't address it with every staff person who seems to be saying it, unless they have a very tight management structure and great communication.  So I love the way Mammal Momma said it, but I think it should be said to everyone.

[Lisa1970]

So then... "you're so black" or "you're so Mexican" won't work? I am not racist..it is just a stupid come back for stupid people.

He could take a serious approach and ask them how they would like it if someone commented on their skin color. If she were the only black child in the school and people commented, it would be clearly unacceptable. I would talk to the director of the school too. If the parents are saying it, good chance the kids are saying it to your daughter.

Good luck!

[Lisa1970]

I remember when I would have trouble with the same couple always saying about my son "he is so pale." Ok..so I am light skinned and so is my husband. He was no lighter than our other children. I got so fed up and started coming back with "that is because he is a white kid! Just like his mom and dad!" The couple saying it was white..they are related! No clue why they kept saying it, but it was rude. That particular child is probably my darkest child too. He was my first though. At one point though, I finally had to just tell them they were being rude and they need to stop. This is his skin color and they were saying it every single time they saw him, so not like on occassion they thought he looked pale. They said it every single time. It was soo irritating!

[Smokering]

They also commented on how fat he was too - which again for babies was a compliment.

Course it is! I love fat squooshy babies. DD (nearly three) still thinks "squishy" is a compliment. :p

[mammal_mama]

Thanks for the compliment, LROM! The reason why I suggested that he just talk to the director was that I thought it would be way less stressful for him than repeating the same message to several different people. Plus I think the school should have good enough lines of communication that telling the director would take care of the matter.