Earlier bedtime for 28 mo old, but I'm not interested in night-weaning...

[crobinator]

I've read many posts and blogs, etc., about co-sleeping and breastfeeding a toddler. But I haven't found any for my situation...

We live in a one-bedroom apartment (we are currently house hunting though). We have a big bed setup. A twin against the wall (my husband sleeps on that), and a queen pushed up against the twin (where my son and I sleep). I love co-sleeping with my little guy. My husband and I do miss snuggling though. My son is not a cuddler when he's sleeping - he spreads himself wide and sleep fairly well. He wakes up a minimum of 2 times a night. Only once has he woken only once, and only once has he slept the entire night.

The big problem is his bed time. He most often does not go to sleep until about 10:30 at night, even later. Our routine is not nearly as structured as everybody else's. I feel like I'm about to confess to our bad parenting, but here goes:

We do not have a playroom, and our kitchen is so small with an open pantry that we don't allow our son to go in there. So my son's play space is limited to the bedroom and the living room. After dinner, I put my son into pajamas. Then I clean the living room of all the toys, etc., and vacuum. I get my son some water. Then we sit and read a book or two, and then he goes BONKERS. He will run like mad everywhere, as if he's overtired. Every attempt to get him on my lap to nurse, or in the bedroom to nurse, is nearly impossible (I do not mind at all that he nurses to sleep). What does make him slow down and realize he's tired is the TV. So I put on a show he likes, and he sits and then I can see his entire body relax. I'll try again to get him in my lap to nurse. But then the TV becomes a detriment rather than an asset because he's riveted until it ends. Either he'll start nursing while laying in my lap at that point, or he starts his crazy running again. Problem is, when he's lays in my lap to nurse again, he will have drooping eyes, get ready to fall asleep and then... rolls off my lap and is bonkers again! I get so so so frustrated, because all the on-again, off-again nursing makes me so tired, and my husband just sort of sits on the couch, stays quiet, reads, etc., while I try to work it out with my son. Laying in bed, we'll read again. Nurse again. Then he walks away and plays. When I keep him in the room and the lights are super low or even off, he fights me the entire time. In the end, my frustration makes me resent my husband for not doing anything - but in reality, what can he do?

I know a bedtime routine is key. I feel our family bedroom is not just a sleeping room, because he plays in there as well. I feel very limited in my options. I am not a "bathe every night" mom - I think it's too much bathing for such young skin, so that part of a routine I'd rather not do.

I know there are things out there that I can try - but suggestions I typically read about seem so unrealistic to our lives.

Here's a weird thing though that I should mention: over time, he falls asleep earlier and earlier. Then for a week, he'll be asleep by 9 or 9:30 - that's a great time for us. He's even fallen asleep at 8. But when he falls asleep at 8, he wakes up at 4 and stays awake for two hours before going to sleep again, until 9, and  then his nap is later and his bed time is later. EVERY TIME. When he goes to bed at 9, he'll wake up at 9. When he goes to bed at 11, he wakes up at 9. So waking up at 9 is not a problem. But when he falls asleep is. Do I just have to get him up earlier every day and try that?

I can't help but think that when we get a bigger bedroom and house, where he can have his own room, and we can have a transitional bed, it will make a difference. But ... my husband gets really frustrated and it in turn makes me angry. (Even stranger: I don't think I really even mind how my son does it... but my husband does... so... you know how that is, I'm guessing [hoping?])

Any thoughts are appreciated!

[crobinator]

To clarify some things in my convoluted post:

After a week or so of falling asleep between 8 and 9:30, something will disrupt it: a late dinner out with friends; a family vacation; a guest staying over (grandparents, etc.) and it starts all over again with 11 pm nights. He will often wake up before 8 when he goes to bed that early. Then, with the disruption, he'll wake up at 9 or after. His nap, due to guests or the later sleeping in, will be MUCH later in the afternoon than usual. ... So we take huge leaps backwards, until weeks later (2 months, maybe more?) he'll be back at 9:30 or 10. The current sleep time of 10:30 - 11 is after two weeks of 11:30 - 12.

I hope that makes sense.

[applecider]

Could you maybe do the vacuuming in the morning?  The noise might be ramping him up a bit, I know that would happen with my oldest.  First I would pick up, then turn the lights down low and get jammies on.  Brush teeth, get into bed, look at books, lights out.  Even if after nursing he is not asleep, I would still lay there and pretend to be asleep.  I know that is easier said than done, my oldest was like this!  How old is he?  I bounced/rocked my oldest to sleep till he was over two.  And if he had a late nap, forget it.  My 2yo will go to sleep within minutes, no matter what time his nap was.  Not sure if any of that helps, my oldest STILL has a hard time getting to sleep and he's almost 6!

Oh, and I would wake him up earlier when he has a messed up nap schedule and do everything I could to make sure his nap wasn't after a certain time.  I suppose that means he might be cranky for a couple of days?  I remember sometimes driving around in the car somedays, just to make sure that ds fell asleep before a certain time for a nap.

[crobinator]

He's almost 2 and almost 5 months. I could vacuum in the morning - I just hate it. :D The carpet gets really awful with our small living space. When it gets later in the day and I know a nap may not be a good idea, he is so incredibly tired that it's worse if I DON'T let him nap - then he just falls asleep anyway and after he falls asleep for bed, it is fitful with more wakings. I always struggle with it, sometimes have my husband take him out and try to play and keep him away - but like I said, it backfires and he sleeps horribly.

Thank you for responding. :)

[crobinator]

Can I also just admit that I feel our method is very prone to judgment and bad parenting? I have limited mom-to-mom contact (we moved when I was 8 months pregnant, and I stay at home. The moms I've met are only at LLL meetings and babywearing meetings), but my husband has many conversations with parents he works with. They are very mainstream - which I am not. But also, I think parents - later down the road - edit what went on with them at our stage; so my husband constantly feels we aren't doing it right and I get defensive... For once, I'd like to hear other parents say "Yeah, our toddler won't sleep before 10:30 either." Surely we aren't the only ones?

[applecider]

I just totally know how you are feeling, my oldest was just like that and the only thing that helped was time.  Unfortunately.  No, you are most definitely not the only one!

[crobinator]

That's not to say I won't try not vacuuming! :) Typing with the kiddo all over me proves typo-riffic.

[hennaLisa]

We have just about the same situation, so I feel for you. We actually have a pretty big house and lots of space and still our 33 month old gets wired and stays up until 10:30 or even 11:00 almost every night. He seems to be in a great mood most of the time, so we've just given into it at this point. We only really start trying to get him to go to sleep when we are ready ourselves. He wakes between 7am and 8am regardless. I know he is tired during the day, and that does worry me a bit. But he is tough to get down for naps as well, so I think staying up this late at night helps his caretaker get him down for a nap (and she has 2-3 others to put to sleep for naps as well). We tried for a really long time to force him into an earlier bedtime. We were managing 9pm for quite a while and wishing it was even earlier. But when we moved our bedtime routine up earlier, it just took longer to get him to sleep. We could easily spend 2 hours in the effort and that was just so frustrating! It doesn't matter if he takes an early nap or a late nap, he still goes to bed late. The only thing that will sometimes induce an earlier bedtime is if he takes no nap at all, and sometimes even then he will manage to stay up until 9 or 10pm!

[crobinator]

Thanks for this! It's really nice to know we are not the only ones.

I am thinking of trying to get him to wake up earlier each day, though I really don't want to get up earlier. If he went to bed at 9:30 each night, I'd be super happy with that. It would give me time to go out at night with a friend during "normal" night time hours, and still be home for a bed routine. And then still stay up another hour or two with my husband, and still get a good night's sleep until morning. ... Of course, I have to actually get up earlier. This morning, my son got up and looked at me and smiled at 8 am. I urged him to nurse and then boom - we slept another hour.

That was dumb. I was tired! Hahahaha... can't I have my cake and eat it too?