Help me work this through.

[GoBecGo]

My DD (will be 5 in April) painted a friend's toys and bedding and clothes with nail varnish today.

My DD and i were visiting our friend C and her kids A, O and R.  R is just one, O is 2.5, A will be 5 in May.

O has a disney make-up kit someone gave her, which includes nail varnish.  She's had it since last october.  Due to developmental issues and age respectively neither A or O are able to open the nail varnish bottles.  Also neither of them are the sort of kids who write on walls or wreck their toys, consequently the make-up kit is where O can play with it, in her room.

Today the 3 of them were in the bedroom O and A share and played well for several hours (with me or one of O and A's parents checking on them periodically) including putting the make up from the make-up kit on each other.  Suddenly there was a lot of crying from O, but she is quite a frequent cryer so her mother called her to come to us rather than rushing in.  They had been checked on about 5mins previously and were in a room approx 2 yards from the room we were in (it's a small apartment).  She came in holding a favourite doll and crying.  We went into the bedroom together to see what had happened and found nail varnish on O's sheets, the carpet, a doll and at that point saw it was also on the doll O was holding, ALL over A and DD's skin, faces, hair and clothes.  

Both A and DD had it on them, so we assumed they had both done it.  C told them both how disappointed and upset she was, especially because O was devastated at her dolls being ruined (one was #2 of her top 3 toys, luckily she was holding #1 so it escaped).  There was a lot of upset, O was hysterical, DD and A also began to cry, i helped clean up as best i could, and gave C (i insisted) half of the cost of a new doll since the nail varnish just wasn't going to come out of the fabrics.

On the way home DD told me that she had one particular colour of varnish and she and A did NOT swap colours.  From that i realised that ALL of the damage was her.  The colour he had there was a tiny bit on his own face, and a spot on the carpet which could have been done accidentally.  It was her who had done everything else.

I am gutted that she would do this.  Firstly that she would ruin other people's belongings with such abandon, secondly, and most upsettingly, that little O had to watch her so-called friend ruin her favourite doll whilst she cried and DD carried on regardless. :(  

C was incredibly sweet about it, i texted her right away and told her when DD had confessed her major role in it all.  They feel bad because they came down quite hard on A (who has ASD and was already confused about his role in it all!) because they thought he'd done more than he actually had.

DD and i talked on the bus and came up with the following:

Because O's doll must be replaced DD's money will go towards that (she had only a few pounds but that's not the point)

Because O has to go to bed without her beloved doll DD will go to bed without her lovies (for one night)

Because DD ruined clothes and a book she will not have a bedtime book (for one night)

Because she hurt O's and C's feelings so much by wrecking their things and disrespecting their belongings she will write them an apology letter tomorrow.

She's in bed now.  Honestly, i don't know if this was an adequate response.  I am so disappointed in her.  She has always been HN and i am usually pretty good at being "on" her.  I guess i dropped the ball today.  I will be replacing the other doll, the sheets and the clothes myself.

And i know someone will say "why did kids even HAVE nail varnish?" and while i agree in the sense that i don't let DD have that sort of thing (but then, i can't let her have crayons unsupervised since she will draw on things she shouldn't with them), but i can't really ask my closest friends to reorder their homes so MY kid can't misbehave horribly when in them.

[averlee]

I think you handled it fine and that your response and the consequences you did are adequate.

The only other thing I can think is a nail varnish ban- tell your daughter that she is not to open nail varnish. She is not to paint herself, her friends, or anyone's things with nail varnish. If she wants to use it, she should bring you the closed bottle, and ask for help.

I know my own little daughter is unfamiliar with it and would not realize that it ruins things and doesn't wash out, what she knows of paint is all washable. I also remember using a marker to "decorate" a favorite doll when I was very small, without realizing that it would be permanent. My heartbreak over ruining my own doll was a sad lesson.

[Thalia the Muse]

I think that paying to replace the doll and having to write an apology letter is a very appropriate consequence. Now I would try to let go of being disappointed and upset -- she's very young, she probably wasn't being malicious so much as thoughtless and impulsive. Paintng things is fun -- sometimes young kids get carried away.

[GoBecGo]

Thanks, i do need to get over it a bit.  I guess this is why parenting is billed as a hard job, but still.  It's been a really tough day for all concerned.  The counters will be reset tomorrow, and i'll make sure writing the apology letter is a loving and enjoyable activity.  I want her to know NOT to do wrong, but not to fear making right, if that makes sense.

DD is *just* familiar enough with nail varnish to know what it is and not to open/touch it (she did once paint her own legs, a long time ago, with mine before i realised she could not be around such substances!).  I agree it was probably mostly impulsiveness and not maliciousness (she is very HN and a frequent victim of her own impulsiveness) but she did say, when i was removing nail varnish from A's shoulders, "i KNEW i shouldn't have done this!" and later, on the bus home "i made a very bad choice".  She has cried a lot.  Out of nowhere this evening she would cry again, so i know it was really preying on her mind.  Which was good and bad.  Bad because i hate seeing her so sad, and good because i'm relieved she "got" how terrible it was.  

She was super-brave about her lovies not coming to bed.  I'm too scared to look at them in the kitchen on the high shelf, and think of her all alone in bed.  This is the 2nd night of her life she's not had them (last time was also a drawing on stuff/wrecking property thing).

C talked to O and O specified a sheet-set she'd like so we're going to get that to replace the ruined one, and i'll also pick up a new outfit for A and a replacement make-up set since it got wrecked during the course of today.

I'm wrung out!

[mom2happy]

I just want to throw in the fact that good kids do really dumb things when they arent being constantly supervised.

They show off in front of each other. They make messes and act crazy and silly. She was probably trying it out a little and no one was coming in to say stop. She thought it was fun to do and that it must all be fine. I doubt she intented on ruining anything. Kids just get really weird when they are together with new things.

I was at a friends house one day and all the moms were in the kitchen having tea. There were 4 kids playing in the playroom (5-7 yr olds). The host's 5 yr old son came up and his mom gave him a box of cookies to share with his friends. She went down to check on them and found her son in the middle of the room jumping up and down on the box of cookies making crazy faces. Broken cookies and crumbs were everywhere. She couldnt believe it. I dont think he could either. She asked him why he did it. He didnt know.

My DS is 5 and when he is with other kids he punches himself in the head.

I guess I'm just saying, they step out of character sometimes in social situations.

[APvegmama]

I agree, I think you had a very appropriate, well-thought-out response. All you can do now is settle up the cost with your friend. I wouldn't dwell on it. She wasn't trying to be mean, I'm sure. 

[LynnS6]

She's 4. She probably didn't realize the permanence of nail polish, especially since she's never used it before. And at that age, they still sort of believe that their parents have the power to fix everything. Even permanent marker on the couch. (Don't ask me how I know that one.)

She's learned. You've learned. Now is the time to let bygones be bygones.

[jensb]

Impulse control - so not there yet! Definitely not for my 5 1/2 yo, and not even for my 9yo sometimes. Yesterday, they went to play outside after 3 days of rain, and threw mud all over my car. Not as permanent as your situation, but still something they KNEW not to do. And when DD1 is with her friends, sometimes the things she says and does flabbergast me.

It's hard enough when your kids destroy something of yours, but so much more complicated when it's someone else's stuff - a lot of guilt happens, too. I think your response was appropriate for teaching your dd how to make up for such a mistake.

[Think of Winter]

Sorry mama.  That must have been awful for everyone.   But your dd was not trying to ruin anyone's belongings.  I bet she thought she was making them more beautiful, in the moment.  I'd try to consider it an accident and move on.  Paying for the damage was really nice, also see if there's any way to repair them.  But it was an accident.  When I was that age I tried nail polish as eye shadow.

Ds made a similar embarassing mistake when he was 4.  He was playing pirate, and shoved his best friend on the stairs.  She wasn't seriously hurt, but my reaction to it harmed him, and I so regret it. 

Did you take away her comfort items as punishment?  It sounds like she was plenty upset already.

[mamazee]

Yeah, at 4 my guess is she wasnt' aware of how permanent nail varnish is.  It's scary stuff!  My dd got some all over the bathroom counter one time.  I did eventually get it up, but I think soft stuff like a stuffed animal and clothing and sheets are ruined.

My guess is that unless she acted as if she had no remorse, she probably had no idea how damaging that was, particularly since she told you which color she had and everything, basically fingering herself as the culprit.  She had no sense to lie to get out of it even.  I'd replace stuff because it's the right thing to do if our kids ruin something even accidentally, but I wouldn't punish.  Making mistakes is how kids learn, not through punishments, and she made a mistake and now knows how easy it is to destroy things.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by Think of Winter 

Sorry mama.  That must have been awful for everyone.   But your dd was not trying to ruin anyone's belongings.  I bet she thought she was making them more beautiful, in the moment.  I'd try to consider it an accident and move on.  Paying for the damage was really nice, also see if there's any way to repair them.  But it was an accident.  When I was that age I tried nail polish as eye shadow.

Ds made a similar embarassing mistake when he was 4.  He was playing pirate, and shoved his best friend on the stairs.  She wasn't seriously hurt, but my reaction to it harmed him, and I so regret it. 

Did you take away her comfort items as punishment?  It sounds like she was plenty upset already.

I'm afraid my DD told me, on the bus home, that she knew she was not to touch the varnish, that she knew she was hurting O's feelings, and that she knew O was crying because of the damage she was doing, but she was too excited and couldn't stop.  Yesterday, whilst we were coming back from a shopping trip to buy all the new items, she told me "i should listen to the "don't do this" voice more".  She really wasn't under the impression, even when she was doing it, that what she was doing was ok, and she wasn't trying to decorate.  She just couldn't resist the urge to paint with the varnish.

I did feel it was appropriate to take her lovies, because she destroyed a lovey belonging to O.  I wanted her to really think about what effect that had.  It wasn't just an any-old-doll, it was a very loved favourite, something which DD knew.  She WAS upset, but the point was not to try to upset her more, but to try to get her thinking about the upset she'd CAUSED.  I do think it worked - i didn't insist on it, the way we came up with the consequences was actually a discussion.  At bedtime she was very calm and sad but not crying-upset about the lack of lovies, she told me "i don't have my beembams.  i ruined O's dolly so she doesn't have it either."  I know she "got" it.  The following day (it was a 24hour timeout of the lovies) she looked forward to getting them back.  When she told me she missed them i suggested she think about O missing her toys and she did so.

We bought items to replace those wrecked.  DD picked out a toy for O, to say "sorry" for wrecking a precious lovey, and wrote a very sweet apology note (with imaginative 4yo spelling).  She also made "sorry" wrapping paper for the toy.

I think we've both learned a lot from the whole experience!

[kalimay]

Just as a side note, my daughter got a disney princess makeup kit for xmas and the nail polish washes out of our hand towels. She puts one down under her hand when she paints it and it gets polish on it and it comes out in the washing machine. Hopefully if her friends lovey is washable it will come out.

[Thalia the Muse]

That's a good point! The polish sold specifically for kids does wash out.

[GoBecGo]

See i'm not clear on if it's a UK/US thing, or if the bottles never came with the kit (they were in it and fitted inside it), or if maybe it was Disnae rather than Disney (that doesn't make sense except in my accent!  "disnae" is doesn't) but it was real nail varnish.  I mean, i removed it from a bunch of stuff with C before we left, we used nail varnish remover, it was definitely real nail varnish.