*nervous* Waiting for Birthparent to call me back ***We're Matched!? #28***

[ChristyMarie]

EEEK!

Our attorney called me today - she has a birthmother who wants to meet with us.  Birthmother asked for me to call her to set up a time.  I did, she said it wasn't a good time (completely understandable) and would call back in an hour.

Three hours later.....still no call.

*sigh*

No clue if she just was held up or if she decided she doesn't want to meet us or what.

[Smithie]

fingers crossed...

[ChristyMarie]

Thanks Smithie.  :)

She finally called back and we had a nice conversation.  Sounds like life just got hectic earlier.

We are meeting for dinner on Thursday.  EEEK!

Trying not to get too excited.  Very hard to remain calm.

The funniest thing for us is the reason she picked us.  She said out of all the profiles we were the only ones who devoted an entire paragraph to our dog.  If Sam ends up being the reason this happens we're going to have to do something really nice for him.  Maybe we'll give him his own hose to destroy.  LOL.

[Smithie]

[sagewinna]

Oooh, I am hopeful for you! Can't wait to follow your updates. Good luck!

[ChristyMarie]

Well we met her tonight and it went really well.  She said she wants to go with us.  She needs to meet with our agency next and she's looking forward to doing that.  Hoping everything checks out so we can start being excited about this!  Still trying to remain calm and not get too happy yet.

:)

[Smithie]

 You be calm all you want. I'm going to go ahead and be excited!!!!

[ChristyMarie]

Well, we've found out some info about her that makes us pretty ready to step away from the entire situation.

Sounds like she said she wanted to place her last child for adoption, matched with a couple and accepted monetary support for several months before changing her mind.

We're still looking into it but it is looking like this is not a situation we want to be involved in.

[Smithie]

Niiiiiiiice.

At least you know beforehand. The last couple didn't get that chance.

And at she knows who you are, and if she truly wants to place with you she knows that she can contact your lawyer and arrange for the adoption.

[lari]

  Yeah, that does sound kind of fishy.  Hopefully, whe will decide to place her little one with you, but I would be REALLY leary of shelling out any money beforehand.  Maybe your attorney has some suggestions.

[ChristyMarie]

We have a little more info - mostly very private.  In short, there are some reasons why the last match could have been legit then canceled without ill will but we're not sure.

She's speaking with our agency and our agency is meeting her and the birth father on Tuesday.  We should also get the results of the background check on Monday or Tuesday.  That may confirm some of the story.

It is very hard because you really want to believe.  And I have very personal feelings about helping her financially if her story is true.  It would be hard to turn away from a woman in a crisis situation who is reaching out for help.

However we are going into this with eyes wide open, having the professionals check everything out and seeing where it goes.

At the same time we are still advertising and searching in case this is not the right match for us.

[ChristyMarie]

Well, an update for anyone still interested.  We're walking away from this situation.

Our agency met with her and (very briefly) with the birth father today.  At first birth father was going to sign off now, now states he won't sign until she does.  Lots of inconsistencies coming out in their stories.  Lots of red flags. 

Now states that she wants to take the baby home for about a week after birth before placement. 

And her "expenses" have doubled.

We, along with our agency, agree that it is time to walk away.

[Smithie]

"Now states that she wants to take the baby home for about a week after birth before placement."

AS IF.

I'm sorry this wasn't the right emom. She's out there somewhere. 

[WifeMomChiro]

Hugs to you.  That has to be hard.

[crystal_buffaloe]

I'm sorry this fell through.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

So sorry. 

[ChristyMarie]

So there's more activity with this expectant mom.  We're really not sure how we want to proceed at this point.  Anyone who has BTDT want to chime in?

I suppose we should name her at this point?  Let's call her H.  Let's call birth father B.

Yesterday morning we talked with our adoption counselor and attorney and decided to back away from this situation.  Our main concerns were:

-gossip (from another agency H worked with) has it she accepted a match and financial support from a couple with the daughter she is raising.  For some reason the counselor did not ask her about this.

-B said he will not sign until H signs.  Previously we had been told B will sign now.

-counselor said H said she wanted to take the baby home for a week before placement.

-expenses almost doubled after H figured out where we live.  Agency said they had never had a request for that much money.

Then last night I get an email from our attorney.  She had tried to call me but I didn't get the message.  She had talked to H and said that H was very upset we backed out, she was attached to us, did she know any other couples, etc.  Our agency has said they will not offer H to any other couples, they do not feel comfortable with her story at this point.

H's response to a couple of things was that:

-B will sign now.  She talked (yelled) to him and he agreed to sign.

-H said the counselor misunderstood her - that she does not want to take the baby home.  This is probably a moot point as baby will most likely be in the NICU at least a week due to H being on methadone.

-brought her expenses back to her original requested amount

So now our attorney is suggesting we talk again.  I think that another face to face - with some open and honest discussion - could be a very good thing.  Cut out the middle-men and all this "well she said that you said" stuff.  And I will ask her about accepting support for her daughter then changing her mind.  If she doesn't want to answer that's fine.  That will tell us something.

It is so hard to find a match.  And we very much want a daughter and she is pregnant with a little girl.  But I don't want to get pulled into a bad situation because of emotions.

Would you call her?  Would you flat out ask her about the areas of concerns?

 

[Smithie]

I would meet her face-to-face, and flat-out ask her. Even if she DID scam another family before, that's doesn't 100% mean that she is not sincere in her desire to place THIS baby. This is a different circumstance, a different time in her life, she now has a child at home whose interests she may be willing/able to consider, etc. Plus, the agency gossip may be incorrect or missing a serious piece. She could have discovered something about the PAPs that truly horrified her and abandoned the whole idea of adoption with her first. The babydaddy of her first could have appeared and made her lots of promises and persuaded her to abandon the adoption plan. 

I wouldn''t pay her a penny in any case until B signs over his rights, but if that can be done and if your conversations with H lead you to think that she is sincere, I think it makes sense to pursue this a little more. There is no question that she is trying to take as much as she thinks she can get from you - but I don't know that that is a hideous crime. There is probably no malice behind the attempted shakedown - she just knows that you have money, she needs money, and if her baby gets a good home AND she gets some extra money, that probably seemed like no-harm no-foul situation to her. 

[Polliwog]

Can a person sign over his/her rights before the child is born? I didn't think so, but that could vary by location.

[pumpkingirl71]

I don't know the circumstances that lead H to methadone treatment or how much of our daughter's birthmother 's behaviors was linked to drugs.  But I have to say, my experience in dealing with a birthmother who was in methadone treatment was all about lies.  She lied the way an addict will do anything to get a fix.  Lied about everything in the most desperate and sad way.  I would procede with the most caution possible