*nervous* Waiting for Birthparent to call me back ***We're Matched!? #28*** - Page 2

[karne]

I have some BTDT advice.  Some of this I'm sure you know, but it's easy to lose sight of it when your in the middle of a situation.  First, I'm not clear about a couple of things:  is birthmom receiving counseling (and birthfather, as well)?  Are you receiving counseling, or just working through an attorney?  How far along is birthmom?  I ask because it is really important, at least to me, that the birthparent is in a supportive counseling arrangement, for a number or really good resaons, first among them that her work at this point is really about herself and her child, and her process toward deciding whether parenting is something she wants or is able to do with this child.  That's completely aside from any process she goes through regarding picking future adoptive parents.  It's really crucial.

The birthmom cannot tell the birthfather to sign papers-it just doesn't work that way.  His process may be the same, or different than hers, but these remain very important legal issues.  If a couple is supportive, and together makes a plan, that's wonderful.  This situation sounds potentially conflictual, so I would take note of that.

Everything is only in the realm of possibility until the baby is born, and the birthmom has a chance to say hello, before even thinking about good-by...if that makes sense.  There often isn't a reality to the situation until the child is actually here, then it's really a decision process from there.

I would say that there would be, for me, lots of red flags here, although when you are talking about your hopes and dreams, there are always red flags.  The issue of providing financial support complicates things.  You'd really have to go into the situation understanding that, at the end of the day, you provided financial support with no expectation of having a child placed with you.  This is a hard place to be, but you will be better off being absolutely clear about how you want to proceed, morally, ethically, and financially.  Tread carefully, and know yourselves, and your tolerance for risk well.  It is OK to say no, and be peaceful about it.  Some situations are OK to walk away from, without angst or conflict.  What's "right" for you will eventually meet up with what's "right" for someone else.

FWIW, no one can or should sign over their parental rights as a condition of receiving financial assistance.  That's an astoundingly unethical suggestion.

[Smithie]

In some states, biodads can sign over their rights before birth. In some states, not. Sounds like OP is in a state where they can. I don't think there's any question of financial assistance either way? "B" in this scenario is birthdad, "H" is emom. What I was saying is, I wouldn't want to take a leap of faith with H until B was legally out of the picture and placing the baby truly was HER choice.

[ChristyMarie]

To answer and clarify a couple of things:

In our state, the birth father can sign at any time.

B is the birth father of both her current daughter and the baby she is pregnant with and wants to place through adoption.

The reason we are so concerned with B signing is that H has repeatedly said she wanted to place her current daughter through adoption but B refused.  He ultimately made a lot of promises to her and I don't think it worked out so well.  H says she does not want to do that again, wants to place, cannot parent another child, etc.  However, if B doesn't agree then we definitely want to step away.  If he wants to parent, that is his choice and we do not want to get caught in the middle.

Counseling is offered to both B and H through our agency (we're working with an agency and an attorney) but it is up to them if they want to use it.  H has done one agency adoption and one private and has said she had some bad experiences with her first agency so she is a little hesitant to go the agency route again.  I believe this is why she contacted an adoption attorney to find couples instead of an agency.

[Smithie]

One agency adoption. One private adoption. One child she's parenting. Pregnant again with a child she feels she cannot parent.

 Poor H. 

[HappyMommy2]

I hate to say it, but i agree with a PP that methodone is ALL about lies.  She will believe her own lies, and sometimes not even really know she is lying.  Also - She might not actually know what she wants to do, and she might feel differently several times between now and the birth.

Good luck, mama.  I wish you only the best!

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

One agency adoption. One private adoption. One child she's parenting. Pregnant again with a child she feels she cannot parent.

 Poor H. 

Actually she is parenting two children.  This will be her 5th pregnancy in 10 years.

My compassion for her situation is hard to see around sometimes.
 

[Smithie]

... and that makes you a well-adjusted human being. Also, an attractive scam target. Life just sucks sometimes. 

[ChristyMarie]

Well we are back from our meeting.  She brought the birth father (expectant father?) and it went really well.  I think there were a lot of misunderstandings on all parts due to a long game of telephone with too many people involved in relaying information.  I think we were able to clarify a lot of things for each other and move on towards building a relationship.

Still waiting for medical records and I believe that legally we need those before taking any further (financial) steps.

I'm really hoping this works out for all of us.

[WifeMomChiro]

Good luck.  That's exciting.

[Smithie]