Figuring out when to push your child

[Think of Winter]

I was wondering what you gentle parents thought about pushing your child to do something they are not comfortable with.  I have trouble deciding if I should follow their lead and wait until they're ready, or encourage them to be brave and do it.  For an example, 7 yr ds started cubs this past fall.  He often has trouble concentrating and feeling secure in groups, so it's been challenging for him.  He doesn't like to participate in group games, skits, songs, etc.  He is otherwise well behaved and likes the activities, but team building is pretty important to scouting.  I've talked to him about being part of the team, showing respect (by participating in the Pledge of Allegiance, for example), but that's about it.  We homeschool, so it's been possible for him to stay in his comfort zone quite a bit.  So, how do you decide when to push?

[NellieKatz]

That's a really good question. We are also homeschoolers (our one child is about to turn 8 this month). It's not that he doesn't take classes here and there, but your point about staying in the comfort zone is a good one. For the most part I respect his readiness vs. not-readiness, but I do keep an eye out to when he's developing sort of an unhealthy phobia borne of his desire to do everything perfectly the first time (therefore shying away from certain unknowns.)

Sometimes, if it's a skill or experience that I think is going to hold him back from not having it, I will insist that he go forward with it, but being ever mindful to do it his way as much as possible. For example, because he's never been involved in a team sport (and I think that playing on teams is a beneficial experience and skill that will serve him going forward), I have signed him up for homeschool gym at the local YMCA. It's a class where they get to sample team sports ("cooperative games") in a no-pressure environment. Last week they were going to learn dribbling (as in basketball), and my son, completely clueless about sports (we are an artsy family) said, revealing the full depth of his cluelessness "Oh no, I don't want to do dribbling...I'm not a soccer EXPERT you know." Oh brother. Funny, yes, but sad in a way. He needed that class! But by the end of the class he couldn't stop talking about how much he LOVED it! It was very beneficial.

That being said, if I had said "he needs team sports" and put him directly into the town soccer league, that would have been an utter disaster. So, I say there's a place for insisting, if you think it is for the good of the child AND you can make the case to him respectfully, taking his needs into account.

[Think of Winter]

It's interesting that you bring up perfectionism and sports.  Ds struggles with needing to do things perfectly.  We do a lot of classes.  He's bright and social (just not in large groups), but our art classes regularly include tears because the project isn't coming out as he imagined it.  I've talked to him often about how we're there to learn, to try things out, not to create a masterpiece, that the examples that are shown are created by adults who are artists, I try comforting, removing him, tons of rescue remedy.  The minute we leave the class, his anxiety about the project disappears.  We also do tons of arts & crafts at home and he rarely gets upset.  He is getting better (ie fewer crying episodes per class), but I don't know if I've really helped, or he's outgrowing that phase.  My basic parenting strategy these days is "first do no harm." 

I'd like for my dc to try team sports, but I have no idea how to talk them into it.  I've tried.  Making them do things really doen't work.

I also recognize a lot of his challenges because I was the same way at his age.  I loved playing with other kids, but school terrified me.  I hated birthday parties, especially the games.  I was active and liked sportd, but hated team sports.  I've never encouraged him to dislike those things, but I don't know how to talk him into doing something I wouldn't have done myself.  I'm not even sure I should.

[NellieKatz]

Sometimes I wish my parents didn't listen to me. I remember that growing up, they were actually considering sending me to the ritzy private school in the next down. I don't know where anyone would've gotten the money, but it's irrelevant because I didn't want to leave my school. And I hated school! And I was brutally shy and socially awkward and had very few friends!! (so why in heaven's name did they listen to me). Anyway in retrospect I wish I had gone to the better school. I was in no position to judge what was best for me.

Regarding perfectionism, I want to tell you a technique that I tried that worked very well. When he was younger and needed to practice writing upper and lower case letters, we'd do a letter a day. I had him do three rows of 7 letters each, having heard that the repetition of 21 times was essential for forming a habit. Not sure if that's true. But anyway, he'd get all bunched up about making them perfect. Crying, the whole bit. Until one day I remembered Anne Lamott's advice to writers in her book "Bird by Bird," in which she advises how to get past perfectionism that is a writer's block: "Write a sh*tty first draft." (on purpose. just get it out of the way) Eureka! So I told my son that before he did his three rows of good letters, he was to do one row of badly-done letters. Make them all wrong, make them silly, whatever. Well he had a blast making these little artistic creations! Letters that were backwards, polka-dotted, striped or with flowers growing out of them, too big, too small, furry..... He had great fun being in control. The perfectionistic worry thus having been slain, the barrier was down and he could complete his three rows of normal-looking letters.  :-)

One more thing, about the gym class. Once he is signed up for a class, if he starts to get all nuts about it, saying he doesn't want to do it & so forth, I allow him to sit out the class, but I require that he and I must sit right there IN the classroom where the activity is taking place, and watch the others. There are several reasons for this. One is that I paid for this class and go to quite a bit of trouble to make it happen. Two is that I don't like to allow him to think that the minute something is a little hard, we quit it. Third, and most importantly, is that he can never stand actually watching the kids have fun without him and, without fail, he has always rejoined the class after sitting for just a minute. But at that point it is HIS choice to rejoin the class, so resistance is down and his pride is preserved.