wishing your baby looked like you...

[zenmumajen]

I am hoping this does not sound...well I cannot even think of a word to describe it. I am so thankful for my beautiful baby boy and his health. Though, I can't help but feel a little disappointed everytime somebody says how much my son looks like his dad. I've been so sensitive about it ever since I saw that on my MIL's Facebook wall somebody put " don't tell jen because she did all the work but leo looks so much like jake!" . Well that kind of hurt my feelings. I think that people say this sometimes because he is a boy. Mostly because everyone tell's me I look like my mom but I have so much of my dad in me but nobody would think that because I'm not a boy. 

Has anyone ever felt this way? I hate feeling like this, because it shouldn't matter who he looks like! 

[MamitaM]

My friend is telling me that most babies when they are born look like their father and later on look like their mothers. She says it's b/c way back in the caveman days it helped the fathers know for sure they were the fathers.

[zenmumajen]

Well that is definitely an interesting concept!   

Oh and I hope my post didn't sound like I wanted him to look like me because I'm gorgeous and full of myself,  i just want people to say oh- he looks like you! 

[Knitting Mama]

My daughter looks a lot like me, according to just about every non related party, and yet my husband's side talks all the time about how she looks like him (or his sister). There is probably some degree of just looking for familial resemblance, KWIM?

[zenmumajen]

I was thinking the same thing...I've noticed that trend as well!

[Amanda_Reyasmom]

I can sooo relate! My first daughter looked *exactly* like me.  I mean, I may as well have cloned myself! And I always heard how much she looked like me.. And I LOVED it... because she's beautiful. 

My second? Not so much.  She looks *just* like her daddy. (different father from DD1)  If people don't know him they think she looks like me.. sorta lol.  Other people have looked at her and said "She looks like her father doesn't she?" People who have never met him!

I think it comes down to we tend to pick partners based upon who will compliment our genes.  Already at 4.5 months I can see that dd2 is starting to look more like me.  She still is the spitting image of her father, but some of her traits are softening up.  Now I see more of a perfect little blend of both of us.  She's got my eyebrows, and his angry forehead crinkle.  We both have a subtle dimple on the right side, so who knows where that came from.  Her black hair (from him) has lightened to a dark brown (from me!) Her ears are totally his though lol! They stick straight out :D

[philomom]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

My friend is telling me that most babies when they are born look like their father and later on look like their mothers. She says it's b/c way back in the caveman days it helped the fathers know for sure they were the fathers.

Yep, we discussed this in my college anthropology classes. They look like dad so a new mom can say to her hunter... "he's yours, bring more meat!". The more meat mama got, the better her milk was and the better her health was for producing more children. Nature has all kinds of sly tricks like this.

Edited to add.... we all are cousins anyway, you know. The human race got whittled down to just 15,000 souls at one point. That's not so many.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_bottleneck

[Terrilein]

I've been having this issue recently, too, and have been trying to just brush it off. It seems ridiculous to me to even get upset about it. But I always feel compelled to speak up whenever ds's grandmother says how much he looks like his father. I had this with dd and her father's family, too. It irritates me to no end for some reason and makes me feel like I'm just a useless, empty container now, just carrying babies for other men. Sheesh. And the most ridiculous part of it is how much MIL goes on about how ds has got his father's curly hair. I mean, no one would know it to look at him if he's got curly hair. He keeps it somewhat short, but definitely not crew cut short. He's got a bit of wave to it. But I've got a lion's mane of curly/wavy hair which goes completely overlooked. And when she goes on about ds having dp's curly hair in my presense then I feel like I don't exist. I have to speak up and say we don't know if he truly has curly hair yet or not - it's still so short - and even if he does, we can't possibly know who he's got it from since I'm so obviously curly haired, too. She then gives me this pained look like, "oh, I forgot you're here". I try not to make a huge issue of it, and just point out the facts since I think she's just becoming forgetful with her advancing age and doesn't mean any disrepect towards me. I think I'm just taking it personal when I should just let it pass.

[ChelseaWantsOut]

I have the opposite problem!  When we visited DH's family a couple weeks ago, everyone kept saying, "Oh, he looks exactly like Chelsea!  Are you sure you had anything to do with it?"  "Are you sure you're the father?"  OH WHAT A HILARIOUS JOKE!    It made my DH feel like crap, and it made me feel like crap.  Bonus!

[SilverFish]

well, newborn babes are always going to look like their dads more, because all newborns look like little old men anyway... no hair, scrunched up faces... the things we associate with female faces only start coming out more as our daughters get older. i had a thing where i really really wanted dd to have blue eyes like me because she looked so much like her dad. now her eyes are a lovely green-grey, and she doesn't even have my hair (well, i'm assuming, since she's one and still has duck fluff, whereas i had a mane by 6mos). i'm ok with it now, although i still wish she looked like me more. we get mixed reactions though... some people say she looks just like me, but generally change their opinion once they meet my dh... they definitely share some very defining features.

[Sharlla]

Panda looks just like her daddy.  it's pretty comical, we get a TON of comments about.  I figure she'll start looking more like me when she is older

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs1157.snc4/149961_462389752810_631147810_6087959_2598945_n.jpg

[ChelseaWantsOut]

What a sweet pic, Sharlla!

[Mawood]

I can relate. It does hurt my feelings when we are with the inlaws and they keep saying how much our daughter looks like her father or that branch of the family. Though Olivia looked a lot like my husband in the early months she looks a lot more like me now that she is older (1 year). In fact my Mom just sent me pictures of me when I was 1 year old and we do have the same smile, eyes and other sweet details so she does look a lot like me when I was her age. And I love it :) I have two sets of inlaws and I have to say that the step side is the real insensitive side who keeps pushing my buttons in many many ways whereas my husbands mother keeps mentioning how she sees me or even my father in our daughter. That is nice for a change.

[JollyGG]

I think people look for resemblances that may or may not be there. My son really does look a lot like my husband, especially when he was born. He gets his big brown eyes from me and my straight hair but otherwise looks a lot like my husband. It is so funny, but my entire extended family will go on and on about how much he looks like my brothers. My brothers don't even share the only two features he got from me. He looks absolutely nothing like my brothers either now or when they were his age. My parents are both from large family's and every single aunt, uncle, and cousin will talk about how much my son looks like my brothers.

People see what they want to see.

My daughter is a bundle of recessive genes that neither my husband or I show (she has a lot of features from her grandparents that my husband and I don't have, for example my husband has green eyes, I have brown, but she has grandma's blue eyes), but people go on and on about how much she looks like me.

People see what they want to see.

[kittywitty]

I agree-people see what they want to see. My 3rd dd is the spitting image of me as a child but my 2nd dd is dh's spitting image. I do sometimes wish they inherited different things, though. Dh's family have a very difficult nose-hard to breathe out of, snoring, apnea, etc. and my 2nd dd got that. I feel bad sometimes wishing she had my nose which is pointy but works, so I don't say anything to dh about it. I will say his grandmother thought it was quite hilarious to go on and on about how the kids "might not be his" last time we saw her. He knows they're his (well, 3 of them-my oldest two are by my ex), they look like him, but she just kept going on about how it's possible they weren't his. Right in front of me. She thought it was hilarious. I was appalled and insulted.

[NicolleLynne]

Hi Mama,

No, it shouldn't matter what your little one looks like but honestly, I don't know any parent who doesn't take some pride in hearing that their adorable baby looks just like them.

I'm bi-racial (Caucasian mother, African American father) and grew up not looking much like either of my parents (I'm coffee with lots of cream colored). It hurt to hear people asking my mother if I was adopted, right in front of me no less and I oftentimes wished I looked more like her. Now, I'm facing similar issues with my own DD. My husband is white and, as you can see from my profile pic, my dear one  is as fair as fair can be. People are constantly saying she looks like her father even though she obviously has some of my features, simply because they are both light complected. I've even had people ask me if I'm her nanny!

I know I should just overlook the insensitive remarks and rejoice in my little one's health and happiness but more than once I've caught myself wishing she was a wee bit browner. I think it's a just a natural thing to want your offspring to look like you. More and more though, I'm trying to see my daughter and I mean really see her, not for whatever or whoever she looks like but as her own self, made in love by two people who saw past their superficial differences and created this divine, little person. I know that may sound cheesy but it helps with the comments and remarks.

[Monkey Keeper]

It can be so frustrating!  I have 3 kiddos, and rarely does anyone say ANY of them looks like me.  Even though none of the three of them really look alike, apparently none of the variations look like me.  When my older DD was small, I actually had people ask me if she was my child (she is very, very fair with striking ice blue eyes while I am not at all fair).  That's downright hurtful.  The funniest part, though, is that my middle child is the one who strangers say looks like me when, in fact, she shares, by FAR, the most features with my DH.  

So I've learned it's all really in perception, and sometimes people don't see very well ;)

[zenmumajen]

It really is all perception - people see what they wanna see. Thank you for showing me that. I think what upsets me so much about it is people put so much emphasis on it. Instead of congratulating us, some people have said, so who does he look more like? Really, is that all the matters to you? I feel like people run out of things to say so they always have to bring that up...

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

My friend is telling me that most babies when they are born look like their father and later on look like their mothers. She says it's b/c way back in the caveman days it helped the fathers know for sure they were the fathers.

Yep, I've read this too. That certainly seemed to be the case for us - DD was DH's clone when she was born, but over time she started to look a bit more like me, and now I'd say she's a pretty even blend of the two of us. Your baby is so little, you'll be surprised to see how his features develop as he grows.

I had similar feelings when DD was a baby and everyone was raving about how much she looked like DH. Looking back, I'm not even sure why I felt that way, seeing as it no longer matters to me at all, but the feelings were very real at the time. I think perhaps I felt like people were minimising my contribution towards creating this amazing little person. I also felt like the in-laws were trying to claim her as more a part of their side of the family than mine. Not that I thought these things consciously, but I think those were the underlying issues.

Try not to let people's comments get you. You'll soon start to see parts of your appearance, personality, mannerisms, quirks and preferences shining right back at you! 

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

My mother always complained that I looked *just* like my Dad, and she was so disappointed. (It's true - I'm the female version of my Dad facially at least). I always felt terrible, like I'd let her down, and swore I'd never do that.

Well, wouldn't you know DD is definitely her father's child LOL. I try not to let it bother me.

What's really interesting, though, is that when you see DD and DS side-by-side, they are like peas in a pod. The kind of kids where you need to label the baby pictures because you might not remember who's who in a few years. They both have strawberry blond hair, which neither DH or I have (red on both sides of the family, but that colour is from his side). And yet, everyone says, and I agree with them, that DD looks like DH, and DS takes after me. There's nuances that you can't quite put your finger on. Oh, everyone except MIL, who insists that DS doesn't look ANYTHING LIKE ME. Mind you, she also goes on and on about his beautiful blue eyes. His eyes are very hazel, and have been for more than 6 months. So I take her with a grain of salt.

I have to admit I'm glad that people see me in DS. I would hate if both looked exactly like DH, and I was just the empty vessel... because that is definitely what it feels like when everyone goes on and on about how they look like their dad...