Now what??

[zuleicamoon]

I finally gathered myself and asked dh to leave yesterday morning.  I don't know yet if this will be permanent, but it will be through the summer at least.  That is my commitment to myself - I deserve that time to regroup and take care of what I need to.  As of yet, he hasn't seemed to accept that this isn't a few-day cooling off period and based on his general penchant for drama, I get a sick feeling in my stomach wondering what his next desperate move might be.  He tends to go for grand flourishes, both in positive situations and in negative ones.

Part of the reason it took me so long to work up the courage to ask him to go is because I was intimidated by how I thought he would react - he fights very dirty.  My specific fear is that I don't doubt he very well may consider taking our kids and hitting the road as a dramatic statement and to show everyone how dedicated he is to his family.  He has threatened it before, although at those times he was either drunk, high, or both.  He has been sober for a year, and participates in a recovery program, although I can't say how regularly.  He is very reliant on smoke screens as a coping tool.  I believe him to be depressed, however he refuses both counseling and the idea of anti-depressants.  His planning skill are very poor, he doesn't often anticipate the true consequences of his actions but rather relies on the fact that people will consider (and congratulate) his good intentions.  In the case of high-tailing it with the kids, he would only see himself as going to heroic lengths to care for his girls, not that it would be disruptive and upsetting to them (to say the least) to be smuggled off.  He also has the habit of grasping on to off-hand comments or minute details as the key to his salvation.  If I say I'm feeling disrespected in the way he's treating me and with his approach to our family finances, we can talk it to death and he promises he will adjust his behavior.   I can say at some other point how much I can't wait for the first flowers of spring -- he takes $100 from our emergency cash, lies to me about it, and then later says he was trying to surprise me with flowers because I said that would make me feel all better.  In this scenario, I am the bad guy because I'm not praising the underlying intention and not giving him the chance to show he's changing/growing.

Here is where I am struggling to know what to do next.  I feel as though if he were to manage his depression (which stems from his increasing disability/chronic pain, denial of said disability, and general immaturity that causes his life to be chaotic) he could gain back some functionality in his life and we would stand a chance at attempting to piece our family back together.    I do still care for him and I know somewhere in there is the person I fell in love with.  But I also feel the need to protect myself from him stopping to pick them up at school and just never coming home or something.  I don't know, maybe I'm the one getting dramatic here, but that is my fear.  I am feeling large amounts of guilt about asking my disabled spouse to leave when I know he has no where to go...this is my inner co-dependent wanting to swoop in and rescue him, even though I know our issues aren't because of his disability.  I am afraid to take legal steps, or even call my dhs worker to let her know he isn't living here for the time being, because I'm afraid it will set him off and I don't know that I have mustered the strength for such a huge battle.

Any wise words or guidance will be so appreciated.  I don't know what steps to take next.  I feel so so lost.  Although, even typing this out and choosing what to say/how to say it has helped me clarify a bit where I think I stand.  Stuff sounds a lot worse when you list it all out 

I guess I should add, we have been together almost 11 years, married for 6.5, and have three kids - dd1 is nearly 8, dd2 is 4.5 and dd3 is 2.5

*I am also worried about the girls being alone with him while he is stressed, which also play into why I waited so long to separate.  He tends to have trouble maintaining appropriate emotional boundaries, and I don't want him burdening them with the long tearful speeches he is famous for or relying on them to make him happy.  Gah, why is this so flippin complicated.  I want to crawl in a hole.

[doubledutch]

that sounds so much like my ex.  it's wise to consider the various things he might say and do so that you can be prepared for them (and prepare others, if necessary, like your extended family and other support network), but don't let fear of his reaction keep you from acting according to your own conscience.  do what you know is right for yourself and your girls and let go of your feelings of responsibility for this other adult.  it sounds like you are doing great.  congratulations on taking that big step. 

what do you plan on doing if he refuses to leave?  do you have anywhere else to go?

good luck! 

[pupsnelda]

I have not much to say but I wanted to tell you that you have done a great step, for yourself and and for your children. Your post is very well written and thoughtful!! You are NOT responsible for him, you are responsible for your well-being and the well-being of your children. There are many wise women on here who will be able to give you great advise, I do not know which steps YOU should take next, just wanted to tell you that you should be very proud of yourself and your strength.

Hugs to you!

[zuleicamoon]

Thank you for your response.  We are actually living now in the mil-apartment attached to my mom's house and I know that is the only reason he complied with my request that he find somewhere else to stay.  He did leave yesterday afternoon, but was in near constant contact via text/email/im trying to get me to reconsider.  I had a not-so-lovely 5:30am wake up call from him asking me to unlock the front door so he could help get the girls off to school (we don't even wake until 7am, he knows this).  He then wanted to have a big discussion, but I repeated myself, saying I needed/deserved this time to sort stuff out and that the harder he pushed the more I would need to pull back.  I'm torn between wanting to take my time, because some things just can't be un-done, and just calling it a wash and dealing with the fallout.  I am caught up in the same thinking that has kept me in the unhealthy relationship for so long -- that my girls deserve better, but if we are all under one roof I can at least attempt to minimize his impact.

[zuleicamoon]

Alright, here's another question: when dealing with someone who's emotions are so volatile, would you suggest alerting him to my actions in order to give him time to adjust and hopefully not overreact?  Or just doing what I need to do and cleaning up the mess afterward?

[kryztuh]

 It sounds like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I would not give him any advance notice of your actions.  I think he would just stew in them and get even more dramatic with the extra time to think, instead of using that time like a normal person to come to terms.

I'm sure you will get some good btdt advice here.  Unfortunately I'm still in the fray myself.  Good luck to you!

[Halfasianmomma]

Hm. From reading your post the man sounds like he's "sober" but not in recovery, meaning he's just white knuckling it and keeping to the same volatile behaviour he had as an addict. Having been the spouse of an abusive alcoholic and drug user, I'd say you're making a wise choice. Establish your boundaries (i.e. I want TIME and SPACE from you to recover and think about this) and stick to them, no matter how loud he quacks. He is obviously trying anything to get you to reconsider...I think MamaJen referred to it as the "slot machine", meaning trying anything and everything in rapid sequence to try to confuse you into agreeing to something you're not ready for.

Considering your situation, it seems like a good time to consult an attorney (or two or three) about your options and legal obligations. Discuss your fears that your spouse might abduct your daughters...

Regarding your question and considering your spouse's personality, I'd say it would be wise to have a plan completely in place beforehand, then take action, and deal with the blowout afterwards. And yes, there will be blowout, as he will fight to get you to play the role he has scripted for you...but you can stay focused on yourself and remind yourself that he can go get glad in the same pants he got mad in. His drama, his business.

And in the end, if this relationship is meant to be, whether next year or in a decade, it'll happen. For now, protect yourself and your girls!

[MissLotus]

With an impossible personality like that, he'll be dramatic whether you give him advance notice or not, so I'd say don't tell him of your plans, because it will just cause him to harrass you even more.  As for the crazy early-morning calls and messages and texts - simply do not answer the phone.  Really.  The only thing you need to contact him about are scheduling times to see the kids, if that's what you're doing, and to discuss separation stuff (when you're ready).  But he should not have free reign to harrass you at all hours of the day.

[doubledutch]

[goodmomma76]

My ex did take off with my daughter when he left.  I did not see her nor know where she was for 5 days, until an emergency hearing ordered her returned to me.  My attorney advised me the only way to have avoided that was a court order stipulating that I had custody, except I didn't know he was leaving until they were gone.  Anyway, get a court order saying that you have custody.  Insist on a custody evaluation, they can determine what type of visitation he should receive.

Your husband sounds a lot like mine now.  (Apparently I gravitated back to the same person...blah)  But you have to protect yourself and your girls.

[zuleicamoon]

Well, he went and checked himself into a treatment center last night.  So I've got 30 days without texts/dropping by/etc to really clear my head.  I hope this is a blessing for us both.  I do want him well, for his sake and for our daughters.