would preschool be better than keeping him home?

[riverview9]

     The school has diagnosed ds as autism spectrum and spd (sensory seeking). He'll turn 4 next month, I'm an attached parent and plan to homeschool. Sometimes I wonder if he is special needs at all but other times I hope he is so all of his problems aren't just the result of bad parenting. He's not able to do the things other kids his age do, no matter how hard I try. Maybe the school would be able to fix him

     I know I'm depressed, I blame winter. I don't have a car and we don't go outside unless its over 20 degrees so we are home nearly all the time. My husband is worthless and I want to call myself a single mother but I know there are true single mothers out there who would tell me I don't know how hard it can be. I don't have help from anywhere else either.

     In summer when I had a car we would do projects everyday (arts and crafts, cooking together, nature walks, etc) and have activities to go to 3X a week. Everything was working out. My car broke before winter and my lovely husband says a car for me and the kids is a luxery and I'm being selfish for asking for one. I handle money in the house and we can afford it.

     The school has mentioned the offer for preschool is still open. As I look at what are day is like here I know he would be doing much more in school than what I'm able to do with him (no car, depression). ds says he doesn't want to go. I wonder if him going would hurt our relationship which is the main reason I think his autism spectrum and spd isn't worse than it is. I would like to be able to wait until the depression ends in spring to make the decision but I don't want my little boy to wait until then if keeping him home is a bad decision

[Tiddilywinks]

I am a SAHM and I do send my 5yo to pre-school for her and my sanity. She does tons of activities and gets a lot of socialization. I also think it is good for her to see how other children behave in public. She goes T-F, 8:30- 11:30 or can stay till 3.

It has helped her a lot and I am thankful we have the chance to send her to school.

[SilverLace]

You can still be an AP mama and well attached to your child even if your kiddo goes to school.  It is about finding the balance about what works for your situation.  We could not home school the SN child in our family because no one would be happy.  I have found that sometimes getting help is a really AP thing to do... the whole village idea :)

Also, it sounds like you have some other things going on.  It is true that our own mental health matters. Sounds like you are in tune with what is going on with you... but maybe there are some things you can do to help it?  There are lots of things to try and I encourage you to.

FWIW, I was with a total deadbeat when my DD was born who I left as soon as I got the nerve (when she was 2).  I am now married, but I can tell you that being single is better than being with someone who sucks the life out of you..... I am all for two good people staying committed and working hard on their marriage.... but in my own situation I was dealing with someone who wasn't a good person and I had to make the choice that was best for me and DD.

[Linda on the move]

You sound depressed and it sounds like your husband has some serious control issues. I think that those are both bigger than the choice to have your ASD child in school or not.

You not having a car makes you more dependent on him and keeps you trapped. It is also making your depression worse. I think that you need to make some different choices for yourself -- standing up for yourself and using your own power.

Your husband doesn't own you and has no right to tell you how to live your life. I recommend going and getting a car this weekend, and then getting yourself into counseling for depression. You need the car to get back and forth. There is NO reason to suffer.

The preschool issue is a total side issue. My DD is on the spectrum and we've both homeschooled, public schooled, and private school. Of the 3, private school has been best *for her.*  I'm not a fan of homeschooling kids on the spectrum any more (even though I used to do it) because there really isn't any way to work on their social skills. There are some on this board who disagree with me. I'm just speaking from our experience. What is best in any situation is partly determined by your exact options -- no two schools are the same. But overall, if you have a decent school situation with staff that are willing to really work with your child, I believe the child benefits from having more adults and children in their lives.

And putting your child in preschool would free up some time for you to take care of yourself and heal your depression.

My DD is 14 now and doing really well. If I had stuck with only things she wanted to do, she'd be hiding in her bedroom refusing to interact with the rest of the world. There are a lot of choices that kids really aren't able to make for themselves.

[KCMichigan]

I would look into preschool.

You can be AP and have your kiddo attend school- no worries there. 

The school may even offer free busing for (we have been in one state that does and one that does not for Preschool through the public schools) that would solve the car dilemma. If you do not have transportation, some areas will also help provide that with bus/cab passes.

Can you drive your DH to work so you have a car during the day? That would have been our solution if we had to sell a car a few months ago. It would be a pain, but doable and would have enabled me to run errands and get out with the kiddos.

As a PP said- kids that age should not make a choice like school/no school without some parental input. They are able to express like/dislike, but often can not make choices when looking at the long-term picture.

If you are considering public school (or private) for K- 12, I would attempt preschool. If he has an ASD dx and sensory seeking, a lot can be done now as 'preventative' for later. It will allow him to get some therapudic benefits and adjust to a school routine long before Kindergarten. For kiddos that struggle w/ ASD- really social skills are hard and they may *never* want to practice them. A comfortable place to do so in in Preschool- most preschool aged kids are fairly accommodating and accepting of differences and also provide positive peer models! Plus, I have worked with some fantastic therapists in the school system in that age bracket (3-6) that really really know their stuff and can help you find ways to make home life with ASD and SPD easier.

I would try it out- if you see benefits stay. If not, you can back track and pull him out.  You sound like you need some time to yourself to get through the winter too.