Parents Divorcing, Need Help Setting My Boundaries

[<3mymom]

Well in short the title says it all, but I suppose a longer explanation really is necessary. My parents are divorcing and really I am just fine with that. They fought quite a bit when I was growing up so I always expected this and I think in the long run it will be better for everyone.

What I could really use some advice on is what boundaries are appropriate to set? How much emotional support is it reasonable for me to give to both of my parents? 

I am an adult, and live a couple hundred miles away from my parents (I'm in my final year of undergrad) but I generally talk to my mom daily and my dad at least once a week or so. I have a good relationship with both. I have set the boundary with both that I will not hear any negative attacks on the other parent, and both follow this pretty well, there have been a few minor slips but they always apologize and I know they will both do their best to respect any boundaries I set. 

I do feel like my dad violated a boundary the other day by asking me if he should try to save the marriage. However, he knows he shouldn't have put that on me and has apologized. I did give him an answer though that I feel was good and necessary for him to hear. I told him that anything he does at this point needs to be for himself. He needs to set aside the goal of saving the marriage and work on his problems with the goal of making himself happier and healthier. He struggles with fairly debilitating depression and anxiety and really has no social support in place. I encouraged him to reach out to the one friend who has always been there for him, find a specialist who can help him get properly medicated, exercise and eat healthy as best he can and get into a consistent sleep and work schedule and I am hopeful that he will take my advice. I know it was not my job to tell him those things but in this instance I am glad I was able to. So basically my question is what amount and type of emotional support is appropriate for me to offer my parents? I am really struggling with this and would appreciate any advice. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by <3mymom 
 I told him that anything he does at this point needs to be for himself. He needs to set aside the goal of saving the marriage and work on his problems with the goal of making himself happier and healthier. He struggles with fairly debilitating depression and anxiety and really has no social support in place. I encouraged him to reach out to the one friend who has always been there for him, find a specialist who can help him get properly medicated, exercise and eat healthy as best he can and get into a consistent sleep and work schedule and I am hopeful that he will take my advice. I know it was not my job to tell him those things but in this instance I am glad I was able to. 

That was wonderful advice you gave your dad!  Well done. I've struggled with depression much of my life (but not anxiety) and you told him all the right things.

I think that talking to your parents about what is going on with them is helpful and supportive, but that the line *could* come when they want to talk about each other.

Marshall Rosenberg has written a couple of books on Nonviolent Communication and one of them might help you in figuring out how to actively listen to your parents, saying things back to them that help them feel heard, without getting brought into their situation.

Good luck!

[<3mymom]

Thanks so much. I will look into the book definitely, but I have also had years and years of counseling that has taught me a lot of skills to be able to respond in ways that affirm feelings without making myself responsible for fixing those feelings. 

I guess I mostly just wonder how much is too much support from a child to a parent. I also am conflicted about how much support I am able to give at this time just because I have a whole lot on my plate. I don't want to give too much of myself but I also don't want to be unavailable to the people I care about. I know that is something I ultimately have to decide for myself but I'm just unsure how to go about it. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by <3mymom 
I guess I mostly just wonder how much is too much support from a child to a parent. I also am conflicted about how much support I am able to give at this time just because I have a whole lot on my plate. I don't want to give too much of myself but I also don't want to be unavailable to the people I care about. I know that is something I ultimately have to decide for myself but I'm just unsure how to go about it. 

I don't think there is a guideline. I set pretty firm boundaries with my family of orgin because they are very, very disfunctional and have no desire to change.

I think it is completely different for someone who has a parent who is reasonable emotional healthy and is just going through a difficult time. More can be given because at other time the parent gives more. One can give knowing that it will be given back. Some family members are just bottomless holes, and no matter how much we give, it's never enough for them and only depletes ourselves.

I believe it's OK to let people in our lives (our parents and others) know that we cannot be a substitute for professional help. Have you read Toxic Parents? I'm wondering how extreme the situation is with your dad, and how long it's been going on. One of the chapters in that book is about parents who aren't quite functional and are over dependent on their children. I didn't read that chapter very close because other chapters were more about my parents!

[purplecat8]

Hi, 

I have a similar problem. My parents haven't gotten along for a long time, and when I was smaller I got stuck in the middle. I never set any boundaries right from the start (I was never taught that there was such a thing as "boundaries"). I'm old enough to realize and accept that my parents have to work things out for themselves, and I don't need to be the "translator" or "mediator" anymore. I also live away from home, I'm quite busy, and I talk to my mum daily and my dad via email and phone every so often.

I'm really impressed by how you managed to set boundaries the way you did. It's quite inspiring for me. I think your parents seem mature and respectful in how they apologise when they cross your boundaries. Mine find it harder to accept that I don't want to talk about certain things. Sometimes that makes me feel "uncaring", but I'm working on that. What I'm working on most is learning to following my feelings - to know at every moment what I feel : if I can help, or not, give advice, how much, etc. I believe all this is a question of "feelings". And you "know" when a line has been crossed and when you don't want to talk or help anymore. Usually my signs are I get fidgety, bored, hungry, and I feel slightly suffocated, and can even get tired. So I'm on the look out for those signs that tell me it's enough. A therapist told me that practicing "mindfulness" is the best first step, being mindful of what we feel while we're walking, eating, doing things alone. And then that can help to remain mindful when we're with others. I hope this makes sense.

Thanks for your post, it encouraged me to think more about boundaries and keep learning to get to know mine.