SAHPs, which is harder?

[HeatherAtHome]

Becoming a parent or dealing with 'isolation'?

No kids yet but I've been stalking the SAHP board for ages now. Often I read posts where mothers say they're having a tough time. Sometimes it's obvious that it's the adjustment to becoming a parent and having to watch someone 24/7. Other times I think issues come more from the SAHP having a very active, "adult" lifestyle that they gave up. That they're lonely, sad, bored and miss the stimulating career they left. 

Well, I don't have a career. I'm unemployed and not looking. Long ago DH and I realized that he really sucks with housework. So because he makes a decent enough amount and because I've never had a decent job, we agreed that I would work PT or occasional FT and take over the majority of housework. Once we bought our house a year ago, I didn't bother looking for another job, it's a fixer upper so I spend a lot of time doing actual work on the house. And I planted a huge garden, mow the lawn, shovel the driveway, etc DH helps if I ask but generally I enjoy that sort of thing.

My point being, I'm a homebody and am used to the isolation. I love being alone (to a point). We live in the country and it's awesome. :) Also, in QC we have a pretty decent maternity/paternity/parental leave. Because I'm not working, DH would get the parental leave (when often the mother takes it) so DH could get up to 37 weeks. I'm sure he wouldn't take the full amount of time off, but it's nice to know it's there. So I'd have him around quite a bit to help. 

I guess I'm asking... is it easier to be a SAHP to a newborn/babies first year if you're used to being alone all day? And if you had your partner home with you, that would have made a world of difference? I'm a little nervous about becoming a mom. 

[mariacm]

I worked 10 years before becoming a mom.  So I can't speak to being used to being alone/home a lot before baby.  But my SIL didn't work for a year before baby (she got married, moved and wanted to get preg, so didn't get a job and got preg fast anwyay).  She seems less lonely than me, though maybe I just don't know.  I think it's hard to go from being with adults all day to being with a little baby/kid all day.  Having normal conversations vs. narrating your day to a non-talking child. 

My guess is that if you like your current situation, you'll do well being a SAHM.  You're used to being alone.  Of course being a mom means NEVER being alone!  Just being without adults!  LOL. 

My DH had a lot of leave saved up and stayed home 5 weeks with  me after baby was born.  That was much more fun for me than once he went back to work!  I got more sleep since he helped a lot, and I wasn't lonely at all.  So I think if your DH is off for a while you will transition much more easily.

I would say to look into options before the birth for mom's groups in case you do want to meet some other moms.  LLL or holistic moms, or neighborhood groups, etc.

[poppiesinjuly]

As a new stay at home mom to a 5 week old baby, I do have to say that at least for a while, all of the stuff that you do...  the garden, the house cleaning, fixing up the house, the driveway, will take a backseat to being with your baby.  That might be difficult for your husband and difficult for you too if you are used to doing it and enjoy it.  I think there are challenges for everyone who becomes a parent.  What the challenges are just happens to be different for everyone.

I know that I spant a lot of time thinking abut the things I wanted to do with my baby/toddler/preschooler/school ager.  I've worked with children for over 10 years and it took us 5 years to have this baby.  While he is amazing, and SO beautiful, and I love him to bits, the newborn stage is HARD.  They are so little and so labor intensive.  Every moment of the day and night they require something.  I don't even take a shower some days, let alone bake that fantasy bread or whatever...

I remind myself every day that they are only this little once, and that it's ok to let things like the laundry and cleaning and cooking go because these newborn moments are fleeting.  So, it might not be the alone time, or the lack of adult social time that are difficult.  It might be something else.

[Snapdragon]

I am a great person to answer this question!!! Because I was just like you for years before becoming a mom for the first time 10 and a 1/2 months ago. I lived in a house that I love, with lots of gardens and woods and nature- and I spent lots of time alone. first, living there alone for years, and then when I met dh, after some time he moved in with me- and then was there with me for 4 yrs or so before we had our baby. And I wondered the same thing you are asking! I am a big gardener. And I remember a friend asking me, will you garden this summer with your new baby? (when I was pregnant) and I said- of  course! I will just put him in a little outside bed for naps and garden while he sleeps! hee hee. anyway- that is funny only becasue once I had the baby, in the times he was napping I more wanted to sit and rest or eat or whatever. Anyway- after we had the baby, the first few months we started feeling pretty isolated in our place. But it was ok because it was still warm out and the baby was newborn so we all just enjoyed chilling out at home. But once he reached six months or so, it became all about how much we had to drive in order to even see anyone! the feeling of having to go in the car for a pretty long distance, in my situation, became very undesireable for me! I did not want to have my baby spending all that time sitting by himself facing the back while I was way up in the front, stressed out from driving! So anyway- all of a sudden my priorities just changed and I wanted to be aorund other people. So we moved somewhere (temporarily to see how it goes with the option to move back to old place still available)  right in a town where there are other people living right near us and we can walk to the store! and I never thought that would be something I would want to do. And in those months- from actually about when the baby was 4 months old, the isolation of having to entertain the baby all by myself or even just me and dh (who was and is home with my a lot) became exhausting.  Living in a place where I can walk and see other people, when ds and I get bored we just go walk and see other people. So I find that a much easier parenting experience. So to answer the question, I found that once I had the baby, I really wanted to be aorund other good people more, and to raise my baby more in a community. When it was just me and dh, I was more okay with the solitude.

[MamaMunchkin]

Very similar setup here - we moved to a fixer upper in the suburb/country just before I got pregnant, 

lots of nature but not so many people around.  I did lots of work around the house just after we moved in

and never felt bored, isolated, lonely etc - actually loved the solitude and quiet, still do.

However, things did change after the baby was born - like the previous PP, we had to drive somewhere to 

be around other human beings.  I didn't have this need before but it became a necessity with a baby - especially

during winter.  It's about the loss of option, I suppose.  Before the baby, somehow somewhere in the back of

mind I felt that i's a choice to live in solitude and that I can always choose to go back to civilization.  But with

a baby, it suddenly felt like I had no choice - I felt stuck, with the nursing and not being to go anywhere on my

own etc - living in sparse neighborhood just compounded the problem.

On the other hand, it's not the solitude, or physical isolation that bothered me per se - yes they made things more

inconvenient.  But, the loneliness and isolation came from the loss of connection - to myself, I guess - since

there was so little me-time with a newborn ... 

Long story short, the feeling of isolation/loneliness/boredom/etc show up only when I don't get enough personal time.  

Once I reconnect and recenter, somehow the same issues are mostly inconveniences.

[HeatherAtHome]

Originally Posted by MamaMunchkin 

Long story short, the feeling of isolation/loneliness/boredom/etc show up only when I don't get enough personal time.  

Once I reconnect and recenter, somehow the same issues are mostly inconveniences.

Oh, I love this! I can see how it would be true. 

Love the responses so far! As always, I'm thinking WAY to much about something instead of just jumping in! 
 

[mbhf]

As a SAHm who was a SAHW before kids, I think the transition to motherhood was considerably easier for me because I was not also transitioning to not working. I didn't feel a loss of identity that I often hear of, because I wasn't taking anything "away" (I don't know how else to put it) only adding something to myself and my identity, if that makes sense. The first few months with the first baby were hard, but not that big of a deal. I spent a lot less time baking and a lot more time rocking in my rocking chair, but my life was much easier once I discovered babywearing. I had a Snuggli (we didn't have the internet when my first was a baby, so all I really had available to me was what I could find in babies r us) and it was fine for taking walks, vacuuming, that kind of thing it was not very good for doing actual housework (or gardening, etc) and my baby (or rather, all of my babies) cried as soon as I put him down until I picked him up again. But after the first few months my babies have all wanted to get down on the floor for a little while and a couple of them have actually slept on their own for 20-30 minutes at a time during the day which was a nice chunk of time to do something more thoroughly that I can while babywearing. Plus, I have never been much for back carries for newborns and all but one of my babies have been very happy on my back for a nap from around 4 months on.

So.. to answer your actual question.. For me, I think it was easier to become a SAHm because I was not also transitioning from work outside of the home. That part of my identity was already tied to the home.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

I'm sure personality plays a part. I am a strong introvert (I do like people, and like chatting, but also really enjoy my alone time - my hobbies are reading and knitting). Unlike some of my friends, I don't feel the need to have a "girls night" very often, or time away from the family. What I look forward to is those two hours when DS is asleep and I get some uninterrupted knitting or reading time.

So the transition from work to being home has been welcome. I had a demanding job, often 60 hours a week, and almost all of it computer work. I enjoyed my work, but I don't miss it.

I do have a strong network of friends "online" - we have our own private online community we've kept going for several years now, and although we're spread across Canada, we do try to get together when we can (as luck would have it, 4 of us are in my area). That makes a difference to me.

And yeah, some days I need to get out just to break up the day - grocery shopping or whatever can be welcome.

But I think SAHP, and AP, works well with my personality. I like a quiet life, and it's working for me at this point.

[Yellow Brick Rd]

Perdita,

You and I sound very similar! This is my first time posting in the SAHP forum, but the familiarity of your post really spoke to me.

I also had a fairly demanding job before my son was born 10 months ago. When I wasn't at work, I was thinking about it, and I never really had an extended break from it. I let my vacation time build up because, although my job was moderately stressful, I didn't have competing demands on my time (if that makes sense). There wasn't anything else major in my life going on (just DH and the dog!) so I could find downtime whenever I needed it...a few hours a week was just great to me to catch up on reading, baking, dog walking, etc.

When my son was born, I struggled very much with the loss of my "work identity" and mistakenly took that to mean I was not cut out to be a SAHM. We brought my son home on a Monday, and by the next Monday, I was emailing co-workers asking them to keep me in the loop and please CC me on all emails. What was I thinking? It was too much. And all of a sudden, those precious hours that were easy to find before, for relaxing and hobbying, were non-existent. After 8 months of juggling caring for my son during the day and working from home (yes, my job did offer the flexibility to WAH, but it just didn't work for *me* to be juggling both baby and job. Others can do it, I could not!) I recently resigned from that position, and it's been a big relief. After I made the transition, I realized just how fulfilling to *me* it was to SAH. Turns out, after the initial rough period, I really do enjoy this lifestyle immensely more than my old one. Very recently, an opportunity came up for a PT position that lasts through May. It's not very demanding, and pays well, but I can already tell that when May comes and the PT work is finished, I'll be happy to return to completely being a SAHM.

I am a quiet person by nature. My closest friends and family live out of state and I'm perfectly happy hanging out with DH's friends and their families (we live in the town he grew up in, so he's pretty socially-connected). Occasionally, the isolation gets to me and I pack my son up and head to Target or the grocery store, just to stroll the aisles sometimes. I am looking forward to warmer weather. I tell myself that if I can handle the isolation during the winter, it should be easier (I hope!) in the summer!

[beebalmmama]

Originally Posted by Snapdragon 

I am a great person to answer this question!!! Because I was just like you for years before becoming a mom for the first time 10 and a 1/2 months ago. I lived in a house that I love, with lots of gardens and woods and nature- and I spent lots of time alone. first, living there alone for years, and then when I met dh, after some time he moved in with me- and then was there with me for 4 yrs or so before we had our baby. And I wondered the same thing you are asking! I am a big gardener. And I remember a friend asking me, will you garden this summer with your new baby? (when I was pregnant) and I said- of  course! I will just put him in a little outside bed for naps and garden while he sleeps! hee hee. anyway- that is funny only becasue once I had the baby, in the times he was napping I more wanted to sit and rest or eat or whatever. Anyway- after we had the baby, the first few months we started feeling pretty isolated in our place. But it was ok because it was still warm out and the baby was newborn so we all just enjoyed chilling out at home. But once he reached six months or so, it became all about how much we had to drive in order to even see anyone! the feeling of having to go in the car for a pretty long distance, in my situation, became very undesireable for me! I did not want to have my baby spending all that time sitting by himself facing the back while I was way up in the front, stressed out from driving! So anyway- all of a sudden my priorities just changed and I wanted to be aorund other people. So we moved somewhere (temporarily to see how it goes with the option to move back to old place still available)  right in a town where there are other people living right near us and we can walk to the store! and I never thought that would be something I would want to do. And in those months- from actually about when the baby was 4 months old, the isolation of having to entertain the baby all by myself or even just me and dh (who was and is home with my a lot) became exhausting.  Living in a place where I can walk and see other people, when ds and I get bored we just go walk and see other people. So I find that a much easier parenting experience. So to answer the question, I found that once I had the baby, I really wanted to be aorund other good people more, and to raise my baby more in a community. When it was just me and dh, I was more okay with the solitude.

This is similar to what I found for myself as well. Although I wasn't living in the same house or staying home previously to becoming a parent. But dh and my dream prior to children was having a little acreage and small farm. I eventually wanted to run a small business from home. When ds came we bought a little house on a 1/2 acre (far from our dream home and the neighborhood) but we thought it would be great to start out while we saved for our dream. I was able to have a garden, fix up the house, etc but barely with a needy newborn, babe, toddler in tow. Ds was pretty high needs and all the great things I thought I'd be doing I could barely or not do with him. I was also soooo lonely! We ended up moving a couple years later into town, closer to dh's work and within walking distances of parks, downtown, library and it was great. It's still our dream of having our little rural spot one day but wonder if doing it with young kids is really the best thing for me. We're focusing now on getting a home in town on a reasonable sized lot and doing the urban gardening thing and hoping for chickens. I think it is a good compromise for us right now.

[MrsBone]

I say it doesn't matter what you're used to, you can never be completely prepared for raising a child, and that you have to just do it if you want to do it! I used to love being at home, rarely hung out with friends. DH and I were married for 4 years before having kids. Granted, my family is close, so when DH was working, I'd hang with my family, but I didn't hang out with friends really. That changed after having DS. I still WOH until DS was 16 months, then became a full time SAHM, and it was an adjustment. I do enjoy it, but do sometimes feel isolated. I go on regular playdates with my son, and now that I'm pregnant with #2, I can see myself going out with both of them a little less often, but still feel like it's vital to get out of the house, mainly to keep the kiddos busy, entertained, and get some of my own adult interaction. It's tiring only talking to a baby or toddler all day. It really is. While the housework may have to be put on the back burner for awhile to get that adult interaction, it's worth it! Just saying, that just because you're happy being at home all the time now doesn't mean you will be once you have a baby. I still love being a SAHM, but I do get out more now that I am one.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by Yellow Brick Rd 

When my son was born, I struggled very much with the loss of my "work identity" and mistakenly took that to mean I was not cut out to be a SAHM. We brought my son home on a Monday, and by the next Monday, I was emailing co-workers asking them to keep me in the loop and please CC me on all emails. What was I thinking? It was too much. And all of a sudden, those precious hours that were easy to find before, for relaxing and hobbying, were non-existent. After 8 months of juggling caring for my son during the day and working from home (yes, my job did offer the flexibility to WAH, but it just didn't work for *me* to be juggling both baby and job. Others can do it, I could not!) I recently resigned from that position, and it's been a big relief. After I made the transition, I realized just how fulfilling to *me* it was to SAH. Turns out, after the initial rough period, I really do enjoy this lifestyle immensely more than my old one. Very recently, an opportunity came up for a PT position that lasts through May. It's not very demanding, and pays well, but I can already tell that when May comes and the PT work is finished, I'll be happy to return to completely being a SAHM.

I am a quiet person by nature. My closest friends and family live out of state and I'm perfectly happy hanging out with DH's friends and their families (we live in the town he grew up in, so he's pretty socially-connected). Occasionally, the isolation gets to me and I pack my son up and head to Target or the grocery store, just to stroll the aisles sometimes. I am looking forward to warmer weather. I tell myself that if I can handle the isolation during the winter, it should be easier (I hope!) in the summer!

I'm still dealing with the loss of "identity". I took a year's mat leave and was due back on Jan 22 - even though we decided last fall I'd stay home, it was still a big shock to turn in my laptop etc at the end. I had been able to WAH (with DD in daycare) for the past couple of years - I'd never be able to work close to FT with DD in the house - no way. But I'm considering this a "career pause" and need to think through what I'm going to do when DS goes to school in 2014. My manager has offered me some contract work starting next year, and says she hopes we'll work together again in the future, but I'm not sure I want to go back to that.

I find it is much easier in the summer - when you can take the kids to the park and hang out, etc. It's not much fun going to the malls when you're on one income! Also, I don't really love baby-and-me parks and rec programs, but toddler-and-me stuff is more interesting :)

[Snapdragon]

Originally Posted by beebalmmama 

This is similar to what I found for myself as well. Although I wasn't living in the same house or staying home previously to becoming a parent. But dh and my dream prior to children was having a little acreage and small farm. I eventually wanted to run a small business from home. When ds came we bought a little house on a 1/2 acre (far from our dream home and the neighborhood) but we thought it would be great to start out while we saved for our dream. I was able to have a garden, fix up the house, etc but barely with a needy newborn, babe, toddler in tow. Ds was pretty high needs and all the great things I thought I'd be doing I could barely or not do with him. I was also soooo lonely! We ended up moving a couple years later into town, closer to dh's work and within walking distances of parks, downtown, library and it was great. It's still our dream of having our little rural spot one day but wonder if doing it with young kids is really the best thing for me. We're focusing now on getting a home in town on a reasonable sized lot and doing the urban gardening thing and hoping for chickens. I think it is a good compromise for us right now.

It is kind of hard to figure out though. We are enjoying being in town but i sure do miss aspects of my house and land and country living. But if we go back to that it is also back to all the challenges of isolation. Ds is so happy here where we can be aorund other people a lot. He really needs that! I Am pretty happy here too- but come spring- the living in town thing may get old. I guess every parent has to find their balance- a way to sustain our inner selves and our personal needs while also sustaining the needs of our family. I am not sure what we will do come spring- we may go back home or keep living here.

[Yellow Brick Rd]

Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario 

 I'm still dealing with the loss of "identity". I took a year's mat leave and was due back on Jan 22 - even though we decided last fall I'd stay home, it was still a big shock to turn in my laptop etc at the end. I had been able to WAH (with DD in daycare) for the past couple of years - I'd never be able to work close to FT with DD in the house - no way. But I'm considering this a "career pause" and need to think through what I'm going to do when DS goes to school in 2014. My manager has offered me some contract work starting next year, and says she hopes we'll work together again in the future, but I'm not sure I want to go back to that.

I find it is much easier in the summer - when you can take the kids to the park and hang out, etc. It's not much fun going to the malls when you're on one income! Also, I don't really love baby-and-me parks and rec programs, but toddler-and-me stuff is more interesting :)

More similarities! Like you, my old boss told me that I have a job there whenever I want to return, but I don't think I can go back to that atmosphere after having a break from it. I didn't realize how unstimulating the work was until I didn't have to do it anymore! My PT work has been a joy, and while I don't want to continue it now with DS so young, it has shown me that there ARE much more enjoyable jobs out there than what I left. But, it will take some planning and figuring out, like everything else, huh? :)

And I'm very much looking forward to toddler activities with my kiddo!

[Tigerchild]

Yeah, the problem with "loving being alone" and being a SAHP to a baby is that while you may not have to deal with other adults (yay) OTOH you are NOT ALONE.  You are with someone you may love but who is going to be hanging off your boob and physically present 24/7 for a lot longer than you as an introvert have probably had to ever deal with before.  Ever.

For me, I didn't figure out that was part of my restlessness until about 2 years in, when at that point I had 2 babies and a toddler.  I enjoyed my kids, but still, the introvert/needing solitude me was screaming because she had no air or breathing room, even though I was just SOL for awhile in that regard.