a little guilty and a little bitter at the same time.
neither of my pregnancies were planned (ds #1 was relinquished for adoption 8 yrs ago). ds #1 was conceived in the itty bitty window between pill and depo-provera. ds #2 was conceived despite a condom (broke) and a morning-after pill (reduces average risk of pg from 8% to 1%). so in other words, i've had unprotected sex once and been pg twice. a friend of mine likes to tell me i can get pg by walking past a public swimming pool.:LOL
i know i'm fortunate. i know so many other women are suffering w/ infertility. at the same time, i'm like terrified of my own fertility. i HATE birth control. i hated the pill, i hated depo, i hate diaphragms, iud's are scary, norplant is scary, and obviously i don't trust condoms anymore. i have seriously decided no more men for me until i'm ready for another child. lucky for me i like women too!:LOL but it still kinda sucks. what really sucks is not that i'm so fertile, but that this stupid woman-hating society can invest its resources into developing viagra for chrissakes but not a safe effective form of birth control.
i do feel guilty, tho. especially b/c both my pgs were so super easy, problem free. (i think in another time/place i probably would have had at least 10 babies by now, my body is just built for it... what a wierd concept.) a good friend of mine who is 10 years older than me, wanted a baby so bad and was so afraid she would never have one... she was one of the first people i told, and she was so cool about it. but she admitted she felt wierd about it, and i felt just horrible, whenever i was around her while i was pg i knew she was feeling so jealous and fighting it, yknow? but now she is pg!!
due in sept. i'm so happy for her.
maybe this is wrong for me to say, easy to say coming from the fertile one... but maybe b/c of my experience as a birthmother, i have the philosophy that we all come to parenthood in our own way. and i'm so glad there are people out there, like the couple that adopted ds #1, who are wonderful parents who couldn't get pg. what a blessing for him and for me. and i guess they're glad for people like me, right? and then there are those who are not parents at all, but who make the work of parenting possible by contributing to our children's lives in so many other important ways... anyway, i ramble, i procrastinate, i gotta go.