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Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile"

post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 
We have never had any troubles concieving (in fact quite the opposite). But i've had a few friends that have been unable to conceive (or spent a TON of $$$ trying). And I have a couple of friends that have had miscarriages. I don't have any of these problems. DH barely has to be in the same room for me to conceive. I feel really guilty that it's so easy for me and so difficult for my friends.

anyone else feel guilty for being fertile???
post #2 of 47
My little sister was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, and at age 28 told that she would never be able to conceive a child (unless she happened to be one of the 1% with POV that magically conceive naturally). She has not had any children yet.

So yes, I sometimes do feel a little guilty. Dh and I have conceived both our children on exactly the first try each time. I wonder why we couldn't have had our fertility spread out a little more evenly between my sister and myself, rather than both being at such extreme ends. I would gladly try for 6 months before conceiving if it meant she could conceive at all.
post #3 of 47
From an infertile gal....

Don't feel guilty. Fertility is not a finite resource, just because you get it doesn't mean that someone else won't. The bottom line is that life isn't fair. Some people are more fertile than others. Some people have better hair than others too. But I don't feel guilty for having good hair. You know?

You guys are so very sweet to even think about it.

Anyway, I just wanted to you to know that I don't hold it against any one who conceives easily. I seem bitter from time to time, but it isn't directed at anyone who gets pregnant easily. I just wish that I was one of those ones. Infertility is a condition(well a bunch of condition grouped under one heading) that sucks. In a way I could have never imagined. But it is also a part of me and my life, and it has helped me grow a lot. I think in some ways it has made me more ready for a child.


Now I just gotta get knocked up! :LOL
post #4 of 47
Not guilty... but sort of embarrassed, yes. It is sometimes awkward. "Oh yeah... that thing you've been moving heaven and earth to get? Fell in my lap. Crazy huh?" I wish it were more practically transferable. You know... I'm not using my fertility for the next four years.... who needs it? It's a crazy world. Thank you for your nice words Adina.
post #5 of 47
Yes, I do feel a little guilty sometimes. Especially when one of my friends makes a comment about how I "happened" to get pg with this baby. She was feeling like it wasn't fair that I could get pg without trying.
post #6 of 47
I don't feel guilty, but I am grateful. I'm also sensitive to those who do not get pregnant so easily. I NEVER talk about how easily my children were conceived unless I know for a fact that the woman I'm talking to is not TTC and did not have trouble conceiving. Even then, I'm cautious because I don't know everything about everyone I meet.

I have really rough pregnancies. I get hyperemesis and have been in the hospital and out with a central line by 6 weeks in each of my three pregnancies. I puke my guts out until the 20th week of my pregnancy, even with IV meds and fluids. I don't eat. It is miserable. I know how I feel when women say, "Oh, I just ate a few crackers in the morning and I was fine," or, "I NEVER threw up when I was pregnant. I ate really well and was very healthy!" Good for them, and I genuinely am happy for women that have textbook pregnancies, but it makes me wistful for something that I will never have. Some women have been very hurtful to me, probably without even knowing it, by implying (or stating outright) that I must have done something wrong or they must have done something right. I never want to make another woman feel that way.
post #7 of 47
a little guilty and a little bitter at the same time.

neither of my pregnancies were planned (ds #1 was relinquished for adoption 8 yrs ago). ds #1 was conceived in the itty bitty window between pill and depo-provera. ds #2 was conceived despite a condom (broke) and a morning-after pill (reduces average risk of pg from 8% to 1%). so in other words, i've had unprotected sex once and been pg twice. a friend of mine likes to tell me i can get pg by walking past a public swimming pool.:LOL

i know i'm fortunate. i know so many other women are suffering w/ infertility. at the same time, i'm like terrified of my own fertility. i HATE birth control. i hated the pill, i hated depo, i hate diaphragms, iud's are scary, norplant is scary, and obviously i don't trust condoms anymore. i have seriously decided no more men for me until i'm ready for another child. lucky for me i like women too!:LOL but it still kinda sucks. what really sucks is not that i'm so fertile, but that this stupid woman-hating society can invest its resources into developing viagra for chrissakes but not a safe effective form of birth control.

i do feel guilty, tho. especially b/c both my pgs were so super easy, problem free. (i think in another time/place i probably would have had at least 10 babies by now, my body is just built for it... what a wierd concept.) a good friend of mine who is 10 years older than me, wanted a baby so bad and was so afraid she would never have one... she was one of the first people i told, and she was so cool about it. but she admitted she felt wierd about it, and i felt just horrible, whenever i was around her while i was pg i knew she was feeling so jealous and fighting it, yknow? but now she is pg!! due in sept. i'm so happy for her.

maybe this is wrong for me to say, easy to say coming from the fertile one... but maybe b/c of my experience as a birthmother, i have the philosophy that we all come to parenthood in our own way. and i'm so glad there are people out there, like the couple that adopted ds #1, who are wonderful parents who couldn't get pg. what a blessing for him and for me. and i guess they're glad for people like me, right? and then there are those who are not parents at all, but who make the work of parenting possible by contributing to our children's lives in so many other important ways... anyway, i ramble, i procrastinate, i gotta go.
post #8 of 47
I don't know if guilt is the right word, but I definitely feel *something*. Two of my friends (one lives next door, the other across the street) have fertility challenges, and since I've been pg, it seems the topic comes up every time I am around the two of them. One of the women is going to be 50 this year and never was able to carry a baby to term (suffered several, like 7, miscarriages), and the other woman is in her mid-thirties and recently had an ectopic pregnancy without even trying to conceive! She thought her appendix had burst and found out about the pg in the emergency room. I felt so awful for her and her dh - they were devestated and completely unpreparred for such news. I completely appreciate the needs of these two women to talk about their challenges and experiences, but it always seems to stem from a conversation about how I'm doing with my current, healthy, conceived in 3 months after going off the pill, pregnancy. It makes me feel awkward (guilty? maybe... not sure), but I know their need to talk about what they have been through is not about me, so I just listen and try to honor their feelings and experiences.

Megan
post #9 of 47
Had the same experience. People around me where spenting tons of money and I got preggers right away. It made it hard to talk about with them, I wanted to be there but didn't know what to say. After the baby came, I still feel the avoidance between us, I just hope over time it will work out.
post #10 of 47
I don't feel guilty, but I felt very badly for a friend who had been married quite a bit longer than I had and had been TTC the entire time...about 5 years total, I think. I never said anything to her about us trying or how long it took. But it turned out so happy, when I was in my third trimester she found out she was finally pregnant! She is due next week and I am so happy for her.
post #11 of 47
I think the word awkward describes my feelings better than "guilty"
I have very severe stage IV endometriosis, and I know women (in real life as well as online) who have less severe endo but cannot seem to get pregnant, or if they do get pregnant, end up having miscarriage after miscarriage.
While it's true that it took me a little longer than average to conceive, I did in fact conceive and give birth to two little miracles.
I know my friends are happy for me, but I am very careful to not bring up certain subjects that can be quite painful for them.
It's always in the back of my mind, when talking with these women, that anything and everything I might say about pregnancy, birth, or raising kids could possibly cause them a lot of upset feelings.

Tons of ~+~+~BABY DUST~+~+~ to you, Adina! What a great outlook you have!
post #12 of 47

Re: Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile"

Quote:
Originally posted by hnybee
DH barely has to be in the same room for me to conceive. I feel really guilty that it's so easy for me and so difficult for my friends.
:

Uhm......no not really.

My friends I know who have problems with fertility have problems in other parts of their lives too......they are stress cases no matter what, and I'll be honest, it seems to me like the more pressure you put on your body to reproduce, it seems like the more it says "WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! But on the brakes!".

Everyone I know who stresses out about it has problems with it. Everyone I know who just *lives* and lets nature happen seems to get preggo when they want.
post #13 of 47
cmon, that's not fair. of course being a stress case does make it harder to conceive, or ride a bike, or make a delicious curry, or do lots of other cool things. but there are other, purely medical reasons to be infertile too. not nice to kick girls when they're down, infertile women suffer enough blame as it is.
post #14 of 47
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I totally agree with that. I know a couple that spent their life savings on invitro (several attempts) and then on medically detoxing, then it was herbal remedies. she charted every day her temp, fluid, etc.. they had sex every night (whether they wanted to or not). It never happened. Finally, exhausted and broke, they decided to take a year off and guess what happened 2 months later?? They got pregnant naturally!!

not to discount women that have medical conditions, but stress does seem to play a role.

stress damages all of us in so many ways!!
post #15 of 47
I don't feel guilty, but I do feel for women who have a hard time concieving. Most of my friends have been fortunate to get pg when they wanted to , but ds does have a cousin who suffered multiple miscarriages and that was right before I concieved ds #1. I think she felt a little bad, but happy for us at the same time. She is wonderful with my kids and really in her situation it worked out for the best. She finally found out what was wrong and would have been able to sustain a pregnancy but then she didn't move forward with it because her "dh" was an abusive jerk and an alcoholic who would have made a horrible father. She does have a dd from another marriage though. She got a divorce finally and we were all really happy for her. Wow, what a long ramble that was:LOL Anyway, yes, I do feel badly for women who can't concieve and don't try to rub thier noses in it.

I don't agree that women who can't concieve are probably all just stress cases and that is the problem. I have a few friends online who are not stress cases and have had problems, and also, infertility itself puts stress on a marriage. I know that it would stress me out if I wanted to have a baby and tried for years to no avail. That has got to be hard on everyone. I know that having kids has put stress on my marriage (we are fine and happy, but there certainly seems to be more at stake now) and just more life stress in general. I wouldn't like it if someone said, "Oh, all those mothers. They just stress themselves out over nothing" every time I was worried about my kids or exhausted from caring for them.
post #16 of 47

Re: Re: Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile"

Quote:
Originally posted by anothermama
:

Uhm......no not really.

My friends I know who have problems with fertility have problems in other parts of their lives too......they are stress cases no matter what, and I'll be honest, it seems to me like the more pressure you put on your body to reproduce, it seems like the more it says "WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! But on the brakes!".

Everyone I know who stresses out about it has problems with it. Everyone I know who just *lives* and lets nature happen seems to get preggo when they want.
That is a very common misconception about infertility that is hurtful to women who have trouble conceiving. Here is a link to very well written article that explains quite clearly why.

http://www.resolve.org/main/national...&tag=etiquette
post #17 of 47
I also want to point out that women in abusive relationships, women living in a war zone, women enduring famine, and women who are raped conceive children. Those are about the most stressful situations I can think of. Why is it that women's health issues are always blamed on "stress"? You don't hear of doctors telling men with a low sperm count or low motility or something to "relax", do you?

By the way, infertility affects men and women equally. Only 10% of the time is infertility unexplained. Unexplained doesn't mean "caused by stress." Many medical conditions are unexplained.
post #18 of 47
While stress can interfere with fertility, it is a complete myth that stress is the reason MOST women cannot conceive.

In fact, I dare say that those of you posting this have never spent much time on an infertility board. I would venture to guess, therefore, that you have little idea how incredibly hurtful and dismissive your comments seem to those who are struggling with infertility.
post #19 of 47
Ditto to the above - I cannot believe anyone would have the gall to post such insensitive comments with a laughing smiley attached.

Shame on you.
post #20 of 47
Thread Starter 
I totally apologize if my comments were hurtful. I am very sad for my friends struggling to have babies and I want to encourage them. I just know how stressed and all consumed my friend was when she was TTC and how happy she was when she finally did.

I was 19 when i had my first and it was totally unplanned. I had to work every day with a woman that was very bitter that she could not concieve and I was having an unplanned, teen pregnancy. I had to struggle with the guilt i felt for having my baby (and obviously i still stuggle) with why God has given my an opportunity to have babies and concieve easily and others have to try for years.

There was a point in my life that I even considered being a surrogate mother because I love to help people and that would be the ultimate "help".

Anyways, i'm rambling now...just wanted to say I'm sorry if i offended.
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