Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile" - Page 2

[AdinaL]

Re: Re: Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile"

Originally posted by anothermama

My friends I know who have problems with fertility have problems in other parts of their lives too......they are stress cases no matter what, and I'll be honest, it seems to me like the more pressure you put on your body to reproduce, it seems like the more it says "WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!! But on the brakes!".

Everyone I know who stresses out about it has problems with it. Everyone I know who just *lives* and lets nature happen seems to get preggo when they want.

Wow of all the things someone could say, that was one of the worst.

Yeah, stress is all it is about. : Cause if I relaxed I would get pregnant. Guess what? I WAS RELAXED FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF TRYING. And I still didn't get pregnant. I didn't even get stressed about it until the SECOND YEAR of trying.

For you to say that it is JUST stress is the most dismissive and hurtful things I have ever heard. It gives credence to the "it's all in your head" argument that so many people love to shove down our throats. Do you know that most infertile women don't look for a remedy for infertility until way into it because they are told just to relax and all will be fine??? By their own doctors. What total BS to tell a woman with a MEDICAL problem to just relax. Kind of like telling a cancer patient to just relax, and it will go away.

Stress interefering with fertility is more myth than anything. If it really interefered as much as you say it does, how do you explain women in war zones conceiving? or abusive relationship? Or as a result of incest? Think they were relaxed and stress free?

In the future, please think about a comment like that, and what it means to some of us. Because that was honestly one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard.

I will concede that stress will influence my hubby. His sperm count drops to nothing when he is stressed. But that also has to do with the way he eats, and how he cares for himself when he is stressed. But even at my most stressed, my cycles behave exactly the same damn way as they do when I am relaxed and calm.

I will also concede that stress can affect your relationship with your hubby, and that can lead to no sex - which will obviously not result in pregnancy.

But to blow infertility off as a, "Just relax." What a load of horse you know what.

[3_opihi]

Sometimes I feel a little uneasy about being able to concieve so easily---around certain people. I had my children in my early twenties, and sometimes I get the feeling from older, infertile moms that I'm like, undeserving or something. I was even told by someone that their children were more loved because they had too try so much harder to have their children...

In a way, I understand what they meant. I can't imagine the pain of not being able to have a child, and the joy and miracle of finally concieving after years of trying.

That being said, I don't think its a competition of how much we all love our kids...and it does irk me a little when people say they love their kids more than me.

Anyways,big bear hugs to all of you mamas that are trying so hard. Saying its "just stress" is just so hurtful and ingnorant...I can't believe anyone would say something like that.

[AdinaL]

mamamaya - I am so sorry anyone ever said anything like that you. Loved children are loved children, I don't think anyone should ever quantify it like that. Being deserving has nothing to do with it. That makes it sound like someone who tries deserves them more, which is a lod of hogwash. Simply put, life ain't fair, and some of us have to try harder.

You sound like a great mommy!

[MamaSoleil]

Everyone I know who stresses out about it has problems with it. Everyone I know who just *lives* and lets nature happen seems to get preggo when they want.

Can't believe you ever ever put that out there. Just hurtful!!!

[anothermama]

Originally posted by Quirky
Ditto to the above - I cannot believe anyone would have the gall to post such insensitive comments with a laughing smiley attached.

Shame on you.

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!

HEAR HEAR!!!!!!!!!
The laughing smiley was at the comment another poster made about her DH simply having to be in the same room. It was not in relation to women and infertility.

I didn't mean to offend anyone and I apologize if my words hurt. Do you want me to edit?

Yes, I have VERY little experience in it other than what my infertile friends tell me. I don't hang out on infertility boards.....not my place to be.

I was really just replying to the OP about the guilt thing and explaining why I don't feel that guilt but, again, it wasn't meant as an insult and as I thought about it over diner, I realized that what I said may have come out wrong. I'm sorry.

[anothermama]

Re: Re: Re: Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile"

Originally posted by AdinaL
Wow of all the things someone could say, that was one of the worst.

Yeah, stress is all it is about. : Cause if I relaxed I would get pregnant. Guess what? I WAS RELAXED FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF TRYING. And I still didn't get pregnant. I didn't even get stressed about it until the SECOND YEAR of trying.

For you to say that it is JUST stress is the most dismissive and hurtful things I have ever heard. It gives credence to the "it's all in your head" argument that so many people love to shove down our throats. Do you know that most infertile women don't look for a remedy for infertility until way into it because they are told just to relax and all will be fine??


But to blow infertility off as a, "Just relax." What a load of horse you know what.

ADINA!!!!!! I"M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!

I know how it's easy to infer what you did, and I'm not being dismissive of that but your inferances are TOTALLY incorrect.....thats not what I think, ok!!?????

PLEASE don't be angry.........PLEASE don't be hurt. My words were not chosen carefully......I mentioned in another thread....maybe I should edit it out completely? I was really just giving an off the cuff answer to the OP.........I feel TERRIBLE that I hurt you and offended you so much............

:

[Mom2baldie]

Yes, sometimes I feel guilty or "nervous" that I have never had trouble conceiving. I have a cousin who has been through years and years of TTC and it has never happened for her. Everytime I get pregnant I am very nervous about telling her because I dont want her to be upset or "mad" at me. I am only 25 and am pregnant for the 4th time (3rd baby though). She doesnt know I am pregnant yet...I just dont know how to tell her. Im afraid she is going to think I am too young to have so many kids or something like that.

[AdinaL]

anothermama - Thanks for apologizing. It is a very sore spot with every infertile woman I know. We are constantly told to relax, or stop trying or we are trying to hard. Where women who get pregnant doing the exact same thigns (charting, meds, OPKs) we are doing, are never told that. But because we don't get pregnant WE must doing something wrong. And being infertile you blame yourself enough, to put it all on our shoulder by saying it is just stress, well, it tends to piss us off a touch. So no worries! Now you know not to say that to an infertile couple in real life! You might very well get the same response.

It is tough if you haven't been there, because from the outside the solutions seem so simple. Elevate your hips, have more sex, relax, etc. But when you are in the middle of it and have tried everything, or are trying everything, it stops being so simple.

[anothermama]

Originally posted by AdinaL
So no worries! Now you know not to say that to an infertile couple in real life! You might very well get the same response.

It is tough if you haven't been there, because from the outside the solutions seem so simple. Elevate your hips, have more sex, relax, etc. But when you are in the middle of it and have tried everything, or are trying everything, it stops being so simple.

I dunno......I just don't get it so...........

I have two couple friends who are dealing with it and they are just constantly talking about their drugs they take for this and that so thats all I ever really hear about.

For the record, I don't believe it's an "all in your head" thing, and ....elevate your hips? Isn't that, like, 1950's advice for getting preggo???

[AdinaL]

anothermama - no worries. Like I said, if you haven't been there, it is tough to get. My best friends doesn't get it and I have known her since I was 15. I am not angry, though I am sensitive about it. I am sure my friends all think I talk about my infertility too much too.

Elevate your hips is not a bad idea, but it isn't the cure all. :LOL And I have heard it aong with other assorted advice about a dozen times. Some of the things would just make you laugh! LIke roll on the floor laugh! :LOL

Again, no worries, I am totally not angry.

[Piglet68]

In response to the OP...I don't feel guilty. Just extremely blessed. having left kids 'till later in life, I didn't take it for granted that I would get PG so easily. I am thankful for that each day. my heart goes out to my infertile sisters.....

[KKmama]

I agree with whoever said she felt "awkward" about being so fertile... And no, I don't talk about it, either. It really doesn't seem fair that people who really want to have babies, who would be great parents can have difficulties conceiving. I don't know that I would handle it so well myself if I were there... I had a glimpse of it when I thought I might lose *one* ovary. I don't know if this is how people with fertility issues feel, but I was feeling really betrayed by my body.

[AdinaL]

Betrayed is a really good word for how it feels. LIke you can't trust something that you have been able to trust your whole life, and now suddenly it doesn't work right.

[ekblad9]

I don't really feel guilty, I guess. A little bit like "why should I be so lucky". I try to appreciate what I have.

[gonnabeamom]

This is real weird for me because I feel like I've been on both sides of this.

I've been very quiet about it, but I've had 2 unplanned pregancies 3 or 4 years ago. The first I found out about when I m/c (which I talk about) and the second came three months later and we decided no to have the baby(which I generally don't). The OB I was seeing at the time was doing a lot of infertility work, and even said to me when I came in with the second pregnancy "Oh you fertile woman you" For the record I was on birth control at the time. My sister doesn't ovulate, and has known this since her early 20s-she's facing heavy duty if treatments. I knew at the time several friends who had lost children late in pregnancy or at birth. I didn't exactly feel guilty but I did feel frustrated- I wanted so much to be able to give away my pregnancy- not to have the baby and give it up, I wasn't strong enough, but to give away the pregnancy.

Imagine my shock a few years later when after resolving some health problems I didn't get pregnant right away or after 6 months, or after a year, or after having everything checked out, and charting and timing sex carefully, and putting those hips up, and taking fertility teas, and etc. I felt let down and confused and guilty, and angry.

During the period when we were trying a close friend got pregnant, with her a$$hole boyfriend, and was incredibly devastated. She had believed she would never have an abortion, but was clearly unready to have a child on her own, and the boyfriend was never going to be any help. I told her I'd be their either way, and went with her to get her tests, etc done. So In the middle of my own infertility I got the best reminder in the world that fertility when you don't want it is no more blessing than not being able to have a child when you don't want to.

So it's sad to me that we can't somehow reallocate all this, and it's sadder still to see how easily women on either end of the fertility spectrum get stereotyped or vilified.

[AdinaL]

brilliant point gonnabe.

[copslass]

Oh my, yes.

My oldest was a senior in high school, the youngest of my four was 11 when this last dc was conceived.

His conception was not even a full accident, only half of an accident! :LOL To be honest, I was pretty horrified.

We announced his presence at a family party, and later my cousin told me that she's been undergoing fertility treatments and that the night before my announcement, they'd discovered the IVF had failed. She shared the hurt she felt hearing my news the very next day. We cried together.

Thanks for providing a place to share this.

[hnybee]

I guess it's just finding a balance between compassion and acceptance (of my own fertility)

I'm working on it.

[Greaseball]

Yeah, stress is all it is about. Cause if I relaxed I would get pregnant. Guess what? I WAS RELAXED FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF TRYING. And I still didn't get pregnant.

The sad thing is, if you explained this to some people, they will just claim that "really, you were stressed and just in denial." As if they know your body and your thoughts in a way that you don't.

Anyway...we are friends with a couple who have been trying to have a baby for over a year, and have had 3 miscarriages in a row. Another friend of ours has a child with a fatal genetic disease; he is not expected to live much past his teens and if she has another child and it's a boy, there is a 50% chance he will have the disease too. So sometimes it is awkward to be around them with our healthy child who was conceived accidentally, and another one on the way who was conceived on the day we decided to start trying. Both of them used to watch dd for us and both have said they can't do it anymore.

So I can relate with the "not guilty, but awkward." And I'm always afraid I will say the wrong thing and offend someone. I gave one of them a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves after the 2nd m/c so they could read the section on loss, but then I wonder if that offended them because they are christians, and the book has a lot of stuff about abortion and lesbian issues. I suggested to my other friend that she could use some kind of gender-selection technique if she wanted to have another child. I hope that wasn't insensitive.

[hnybee]

Do any of you think it has anything to do with birth control? Or is that a stupid question?