I Just Want to Stop the Yelling

[Greenlea]

My DH and I had a little fight the other night because he thought it was okay to get in my 2 yr olds face and yell at him for doing something wrong.  Also every little thing my son does wrong, my DH wants to spank him for (he doesn't actually do it, but says I should give him a spanking, or threatens DS with one).  I keep trying to tell him he's just a little boy.  I sure as heck wouldn't want someone yelling in my face, I know I hated it when my Dad did it.  And while I was spanked as a child, it wasn't for every little thing.

I know I am guilty at yelling too (although not in his face).  My son doesn't listen well, throws things, jumps on the couch, etc.  I guess typical toddler behavior but I know its starting to become a struggle between us three and him not listening.

So, how can I get my 2yr old to listen or am I expecting too much from him?  I have tried spanking, time outs, yelling, negotiating and none of it seems to work.  Is there a good book me and my DH can read about how to discipline without yelling?

[Rlin]

No time to reply, but the book Playful Parenting is very helpful to me when I feel frustrated with my 2-year old. Yelling in someone's face just is not what we do. I wouldn't do it to another adult, let alone my own child. I do yell "stop" sometimes, when he's in danger (like almost running on the street).

Sorry this is so short, I really have to go...

[mnj77]

I thought Becoming the Parent You Want to Be was a good introduction to gentle discipline, and had some good tips for starting out with a 2 year old.  In general, in my experience the key is to basically forget about expecting or goading a toddler to comply or "learn" in the short term and focus on the long view of developing a strong bond and giving your child room and gentle guidance to develop their own moral compass and sense of right and wrong.  If you're consistent and calm, they'll eventually get it, even if you have to say it a thousand times before it clicks.  When it does click, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing they truly internalized the lesson rather than behaving out of fear of yelling or blind compliance.  Good luck!

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Parent-You-Want-Sourcebook/dp/0553067508

[Think of Winter]

Good for you for wanting things to be better.  You are going to feel better, too.  Yelling and spanking may feel like the right thing to do in the moment, but probably it's going to feel pretty bad for everyone soon thereafter. 

Do you have any books about age-appropriate behavior?  So much of the things that make us nuts as parents are normal child behavior.  If you can look at what your child is doing from that perspective, it's a little easier.  The burden falls more on you to create a 'yes' environment for your child.  That means don't put your child in situations that are going to result in him doing things you don't like.  Like childproofing, putting things away that he shouldn't touch, not taking him to the mall when he's tired and or hungry. 

I liked Becoming the Parent you Want to Be, too.  Check the sticky at the top of the GD board for other books.  Will your dh read them?  Maybe a video?  There is a dvd for Unconditional Parenting, and dh and I liked it.  Perhaps there is a video for non-violent communication?   How is your dh's impulse control?  Does he really think yelling is the best way, or does he react in anger?  How about you?  I think learning other methods of discipline is wonderful, but controlling your own impulses is a little more difficult.  I've been working on my own impulse control with discipline since my oldest was born.  It is hard.  Some things that have really helped me are getting enough sleep, better nutrition, and connecting as much as I can with my kids.  If I can put myself in their shoes a bit, it's a lot easier to communicate with them.

Good luck mama!  You are heading down the right path.

[Greenlea]

Originally Posted by Think of Winter 

Yelling and spanking may feel like the right thing to do in the moment, but probably it's going to feel pretty bad for everyone soon thereafter.  

Yes and its what I know from growing up and actually spanking has been the only advice my parents have given me when I've asked them for advice.  My DH's mom yelled a lot and his dad spanked, so we really just don't know any other way.  And I really thought doing those things would help the situation, but its just making things worse.

I liked Becoming the Parent you Want to Be, too.  Check the sticky at the top of the GD board for other books.  Will your dh read them?  Maybe a video?  There is a dvd for Unconditional Parenting, and dh and I liked it.  Perhaps there is a video for non-violent communication?   How is your dh's impulse control?  Does he really think yelling is the best way, or does he react in anger?  How about you?  I think learning other methods of discipline is wonderful, but controlling your own impulses is a little more difficult.  I've been working on my own impulse control with discipline since my oldest was born.  It is hard.  Some things that have really helped me are getting enough sleep, better nutrition, and connecting as much as I can with my kids.  If I can put myself in their shoes a bit, it's a lot easier to communicate with them.

Yes my DH will read the books.  He has always had an anger problem.  It has gotten much better as he's read books on how to help him with it, so I know he'll read the children's books too.  I think he is just expecting too much from my DS.  I think he forgets he's only 2 (I know I do sometimes as well).  I tend to start yelling when I'm at the end of my rope, so I don't do it as often.  I've been trying to get better at being more patient with him, but I need my DH to try too.  I think he will, but he likes to see facts so thats why I thought a book would help.  I'll try the two that have been suggested on here.  Thanks!

[pianojazzgirl]

There's a series of books called something like "Your Child at Age 2" (they have one for each year up until I don't know what age).  Hopefully another mama with chime in with the exact title, which I've forgotten.  Anyway, reading that (or similar) would give him a better idea of what to expect from your ds.  I read your siggy, and in fact your ds isn't even 2 yet (he's a month shy of 2, right?).  That is really still very very young - not much more than a baby.  If his VERY age-appropriate behaviours are eliciting this kind of response now, I would worry about when things get really tough in the next year or two (even the most easy of children presents a lot of challenges when they're 2 and 3 years old!). 

I'm glad to hear that your dh recognizes his anger-management issues, and is willing to work on them and read helpful books.  Good luck mama!

ETA to comment on below....

Quote:

So, how can I get my 2yr old to listen or am I expecting too much from him?  I have tried spanking, time outs, yelling, negotiating and none of it seems to work.  Is there a good book me and my DH can read about how to discipline without yelling?

None of this will work at 23 months old, IMO.  Kids of that age have next to no impulse control.  Really.  So even if they *know* they're not supposed to do something it is almost impossible for them to stop themselves.  At this point your best "tool" to use is still redirection.  You can also try to "honour the impulse" behind what your kid is doing.  For example ds is jumping on the couch.  That's not okay.  But you do have a little indoor kid trampoline that IS okay for him to jump on.  So instead of just trying to get him to stop jumping on the couch (by saying or yelling "no") you say something along the lines of "the couch is not for jumping on.  If you want to jump you can jump on the trampoline" (while bringing him over to the trampoline).  The couch is saved, no one had to yell (or even say no!), and ds gets his jumping beans out.

[Greenlea]

True, he is just shy of 2 yrs old.

I like your idea of the trampoline.  I think I will try redirection more too.  I am trying to work on this more with my DH as I know this could only be the beginning of the "terrible two's" or even three's.  I also told my DH that when he starts to get mad at my DS or my DS does something wrong, to simply ask him "what are you, two years old or something?"  I think it will really help him bring his age into perspective at the exact moment of time instead of thinking later about what went wrong.

[mnj77]

It's Your Two Year Old by Louise Bates Ames.  Those books were written in the 80s, so they're a little outdated, but the information in them is really good, I think.  It always makes me feel better to read that whatever my kid is doing to annoy me is developmentally appropriate :)

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Two-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506387

[Friday13th]

In addition to all the excellent advice, I just wanted to say that I see you have a new baby too.  Go easy on all of you, it's a tough adjustment.  Your oldest is still pretty much a baby but it's so easy to forget that when you have a new baby, the big one all of a sudden seems so OLD and BIG and you start to forget they're still very young and need a lot of attention and care.  For your own sanity I would set aside a day when DH is home and create a total "yes" space for DS1 to play in where there's nothing you need to steer him away from or yell at him about so you can go in there, gate him in, sit down and nurse the baby and not have to worry about him.  And really try to pick your battles, at this age it's mostly about distracting and moving them away and on to something else.

Good luck!

[holothuroidea]

The best thing I ever did was realize that there is no reason to "fix" my 2 year old's behavior, because there is nothing wrong with it. Once I stopped fighting her behavior, everything became much easier.

[DoulaReese]

Naomi Aldort has been great in helping shift my thinking in the way I look at children.  She has short clips on her website that show some of her approach: http://www.naomialdort.com/lectures.html

I bought her CD and I find it's helpful to read/listen to another way of thinking a lot because I like you grew up with a totally different model. 

Having 2 kids 2 and under was SO tough!  Mine are now 3 and 5 and VERY good friends (love it) but that first year and a half was a challenge for sure.  Everybody needs a piece of mommy (including mommy) but remember it's SO temporary - it won't be this way forever!

Blessings!!