Sometimes I don't think DH will ever bond with baby

[whozeyermamma]

OK, so it took us a looong time to decide to have baby #2 (DD is 7 now.) And I know for sure that it was really more my decision than his - but he said that he did want another one and was on board with it, he was excited about my pregnancy, thrilled with our birth, etc. He did say that he worried he would never love another child as much as our daughter and I figured that would go away ... now I'm not so sure.

He barely has any interest in the baby at all. He never asks to hold him, take care of him - I mean if I didn't hand him the baby he wouldn't touch him all day. He'll smile at DS and make a few silly faces, but that's about it. I pretty much have to just hand him the baby and say "I'm going to the store," to get him to watch him. He never says, "How about if I feed him tonight?" or "I'll give him his bath today." He'll do it if I ask - or tell him to, basically.

He makes jokes like "He's your baby, not mine," - which is his dark Irish sense of humor but it kills me each time.

The thing is he's an AMAZING dad to DD. Admittedly, 7 year olds are a lot more fun than babies. (DS is 7 mo.) No crying, whining, poop, etc. He's amazingly devoted, kind, patient - plays Barbies and takes her sledding and reads to her - just the best dad ever. Of course, he's eager to take over with DD instead of DS - which is part of the problem. I'm sure he doesn't want her to feel bad, but that's something she should have to get used to with him. I mean, what is he going to do - never spend time with his son so that he doesn't upset his daughter?

*sigh*

The idea that he would love her so much and ignore his son just tears me up inside. I could understand that he was not crazy about the baby in the newborn stage - hell, I didn't like the baby much as a newborn - but now he's just so sweet and cuddly and funny. I can't imagine that he doesn't feel a fraction of the love that I feel for this little guy.

Anyway - not sure what I"m looking for - a vent/rant - a tale of someone else's DH who came around ... I dunno - it just makes me so sad and I don't know what to do about it.

[tzs]

i felt the same way about dh when dd was a baby. never really held her unless i forced him or showed all that much interest in hanging out with her. i had suggestions that maybe he was more of an "older baby" type because he's great with kids (other people's kids!). but then she turned 1 and still not much. now that she's a partially talking, walking, hilarious 16 month old toddler i'm finally seeing him come more out of his shell. he probably has more interactions with her in one day that her first few months.

oh but p.s. the "your daughter" comments haven't stopped. oh well.

[Peony]

My DH is not a baby person, he vastly prefers them once they are toddlers. Our children all end up very attached to him, it just takes longer. He will never volunteer to hold the baby but once they are old enough to run over and stand on his feet demanding to be held then he starts interacting more with them. 

[luckiest]

I think a lot of men are that way...not really sure what to do with them until they can talk and really play.

There's no question that DH loves our ten week old, but he doesn't generally offer help...if I'm holding DS and I say I'm hungry or I have to pee (so passive aggressive of me, I know), then he'll offer to take him for a couple of minutes.  And on weekends he takes him for a couple of hours in the morning, voluntarily, so I can sleep some more.  Part of it, I know, is a bit of insecurity...I know all of DS's cues, which is key since there's no real routine yet, but he doesn't pick up in them as well, so he gets frustrated when he can't make DS happy as quickly as I might be able to.

DH is AMAZING with our 3 yo nephew.  He's a great dad regardless, but will probably be more involved when he's older.