Desperate and about to wean cold turkey....help!

[LizzieRed]

I am at the end of my rope with my nursing 2 yo DD.  She has made great strides toward weaning on her own, she now naps without nursing for her Dad or Grandma, she will go to bed at night with a sitter, and she is basically day weaned.  However, when she is tired and Mom is around the only thing she wants is 'Milk'.  She nurses to sleep at bedtime and her first stretch of sleep is about 4 hours, but after that she is up every hour and a half and if she totally has her way she sleeps latched onto the boob from around 3am until morning.  At night when I try to limit her nursing she goes CRAZY.  There is nothing you can do at night to really reach her and calm her down except nurse.  It is like she is asleep and having a tantrum that immediately stops when a nipple goes in her mouth and I don't even think she is aware that it is happening.  I am at a loss as to what to do.

I know she can sleep through the night, she has done it before.  I know she can go to sleep and get herself back to sleep on her own...she does it when I am not around.  I think her association with me and nursing is just SO strong that she can't accept anything else when I am around.

I can't take the all-night-nursing anymore, I am tired and pissed and resentful.  We've tried the "no cry sleep solution", Dr. Gordon's method, DD sleeping on the other side of Dad, etc.  We've talked to her in the daytime about not nursing at night and she seems on board, but then after dark it is like another kid takes over and she has these scary violent tantrums.

Has anyone else experienced this?  I feel like our only solution is cold turkey.  We're tentatively planning on giving her her own room with a big girl bed when we move into a new house next month.  Then having her sleep in there and stopping all nursing, period.  I may leave and stay with my Mom a few nights, or say I am leaving but sleep on the couch (in case it is a disaster), or something.  I just don't see any other way through.

Does anyone have any other suggestions?  Advice?  Similar experiences?

I've thought of trying to switch back to daytime nursing and to then try to nightwean...but I have not been successful.  Has anyone done this?

Thanks for any help!

[D_McG]

have you tried moving out of the bedroom for a few nights? That's what I had to do with DD. She just would not settle with me and my boobs in the room. I had to leave. I mean I guess it was like cold turkey in a way. But I was OK with that. Night was the last to go and it only made sense to wean the whole night all at once.

[LizzieRed]

I've tried to sleep in another room, it hasn't made much of a difference.  She might sleep longer without me next to her, but eventually she wakes and wants milk, then gets hysterical.  She doesn't accept comfort from Dad at night, and when she asks for me and he tries to distract her or stalls before getting me she get herself really worked up.  It is like she asks for Mom and she feels Dad is not listening so she gets frustrated and angry.  It was beginning to deteriorate their relationship.

I am thinking that the only thing that will work is my total absence.  Then the option of having me is just not there and she'll have to learn to cope.  Has anyone else had to resort to this?

[3girls1boy]

I definitely thought about sleeping at my parents' house when my first was about 18 months and still waking up a lot, but I never did do it. When she was about 20 months, though I took a second shift weekend job.  I was worried because she had nursed to sleep every night of her life.  But she went to sleep with my husband just fine.  I always remember coming home and finding them both asleep together with the book "Dinky Donkey" laying between them!

Here's a couple things that you might want to try (but still expect resistance and unhappiness for a while):  I put a night light on a timer and explained to my nursling when the light was off, it was sleeping time for everyone (including my breasts) and that she/he could nurse once the light went on (you can decide what time is acceptable to you).  Some moms keep lots of food and snacks by the bed and offer that instead.  I have a friend who night weaned each of her 3 children at about 19 months, but getting up with them when they awoke and asked to nurse. She took them into the kitchen, turned on all the lights and made food for them, with much talking on her part.  She said they would look at her with a look that said, "Has Mom lost her mind? This is not what I had in mind at all!"  After a few nights of this, they each decided it was not worth waking Mom up if she was going to launch into that whole routine.

[QiMom]

I hear your plight! I remember desperately trying to night-wean my now 4 year old when she was about 3. How you end up longing for a good night's sleep! It can be the make or break between feeling human and feeling like a grouch on a bad day! The truth is that toddlers want to night-nurse because their bodies/intuition ask them too. Their brains are growing and developing, as are their bodies, and much of that growth happens during the night and hence they want milk. So that part of the situation is normal and no, the toddler is not out to make your life (or night) hell! However, sleep for the grown-up is also essential. Having tried and failed when it comes to night-weaning on numerous occasions myself during year 3, I would say the key to success is NOT caving in. I caved each time after several days of the hysterical reaction you mention. Weaning led by the mum really does provoke a mourning process. That is fine, but do recognize that the kid is going to mourn for the nursing. Whilst he or she receives love and comfort, there is no problem. After caving on numerous attempts, my 4 year old has night-weaned herself. You can't (or perhaps you can!) imagine the joy I experience being able to sleep through most nights! It is very hard though when you long for that point to be reached. In short, don't cave. If that is what is best for you, then hold your ground and see it through. Allow the little one to mourn and be prepared to comfort her mourning. It too shall pass!

Best of luck!