Two under two - what do I need to know?

[Jewels06]

I am the mother of one 15 month old and just found out recently that we will be having another LO in September. We had actually planned to space our kids at least 2 years apart but we will be just shy of that. And now I'm thinking about how I will have to adjust for my firstborn. And I'm also wondering if there are things I haven't thought about yet. So I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who has experienced the joy and challenge of having two under two and was hoping for some insights into what I might expect and how I might tackle the obstacles that may lay ahead. TIA!

[micah_mae_]

I know that our experience isn't too typical but it wasn't the greatest thing for us. We planned for it and looked forward to it..but when I was about 4 months along my first son started some really quirky behaviors. By the time I was 8-9 months along we were planning to take him to the pedi expecting a SPD diagnosis. The birth was very traumatizing for him, seeing me in labor, etc. He was angry towards the baby. When the baby was a couple weeks old, our oldest was diagnosed with autism. So that explained that. But he still didn't touch him for the first time until he was 2 months old. It's getting better and I know it will keep getting better. The beginning was really hard though. It was heartbreaking for me.

On a day to day basis it is hard balancing the needs of both boys, but again our oldest is autistic and is high needs.

Overall, I can't picture our lives without Riley and we're a happy family. Our toddler even hugs and kisses his brother occasionally now. :)

[icy02]

My two are 17 months apart and it was soooo much harder than I imagined.  I feel like no one properly warned me that it would be *really* hard. BUT, your first will be nearing 2 and the developmental difference of a few months is HUGE! Also, my DS2 was a really, really hard baby (and that's an understatement). Sooo, I hope it is not so rough on you!

We did plan on having our 2nd, but because of infertility issues, I did not know that I would conceive so quickly. The one thing you can't plan for is how your first child will react. It was really hard on my DS1 for me to be constantly nursing his new brother... He was the center of my life for 17 months and then all of a sudden he had to share me.  That was really hard on him and on me. DS2 was so hard he just wanted to nurse constantly and when he wasn't nursing he was screaming... It didn't give me a lot of time to spend one on one with DS1. That was MY situation. I have friends with two as close together as mine are and it wasn't AS difficult. I didn't say it was easy though.. Just not completely miserable...

A few things I wish I new before my 2nd was born:

-Having 1 child is like having 1, 2 is like 10, (and they say 3 is like having 3... Waiting a few years to try that theory out ;)

-Every child is different. I know, your thinking "duhhh!". My two are so night and day different I still kind of struggle with the new challenges I face by a different personality in our family. Before I had DS2 I though "Man, I did such a great job! Elijah is a great eater. It's because I introduced him to this food and blah, blah, blah... Now I have a child who HATES to eat, no matter what I do. Motherhood is a truly humbling experience!

-Having 2 under 2 means no time for you! Well, at least for the first 6 months or so... I struggled with this in the beginning. Especially with DS2 being soooo needy.

I hope I don't sound like having two LO's is terrible, because I thank God everyday for my babies. I just wished that someone had been brutally honest with me.

Good Luck!

[elisheva]

My first two are 20 months apart and my second two are 14 months apart. For a month I had 3 under 3  In June, I plan to have 4 under 5. Anyway, it's not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. You do have to let go and realize that it really isn't about you anymore (not saying AT ALL that this describes you, but it took me a while to come to this realization). 

Realizing that every child is different, I have two tips for surviving:

1. Get a moby-style wrap for the first few months. My newborns after ds1 LIVED in the wrap until they hit 15 lbs...then they lived in the more structured wrap and the sling ;)

2. Be prepared for some violence/anger toward baby by older sib and mixed feelings on your part ('wait! my baby is hurting my baby! my head is going to explode! stop it! poor sweetie - you're used to all the attention from mommy! STOP IT!!!). Yeah.

And, humans are amazingly adaptable. You will do fine. 

[treetop]

Well, each child is different and has different needs.  So I would tap into your child's sensitivities.

I found the very best thing for my daughter (who was 21 months) was to have her involved and to give her just as much attention.  We would wrap the boppy around her and let her hold her brother, help change the diaper, and she would even help me pump when I had mastitis. 

We didn't do anything to prep her as the concept was hard for her to understand.  She never showed any aggression just curiosity and slight confusion.

She did start nursing again after my son was born. 

The hardest thing for me was not having any family support.  So if I could go back in time, I would sleep as much as possible before baby #2 arrives! 

Lastly, our second child came a surprise and now I would not have it any other way.  They are best friends and they are always making me smile!

[tzs]

i haven't btdt as i'm pretty much in the same boat as you. dd will be 20 months when #2 comes around. but a friend of mine described it in a really kinda cool way. she said it's like "having your first but without the cushion of mind-blowing love."

[akind1]

Jewel: our EDD's are only a couple weeks apart. I just try to remember that DS will not be the age he is now when the baby is born. i really hope somethings will be easier to deal with for him by then (he is jealous, but mostly when I hold other baby boys; baby girls apparantly he doesn't see as a threat)

I am mostly very excited about the new baby - but DS keeps me distracted, so hopefully the pregnancy will go quickly!

[pbjmama]

My biggest tip is to have low expectations. Sometimes it is enough to do basic care for everyone. You are going to be clipping alot of nails, wiping alot of butts and noses, and cleaning up at a much slower rate than the messes are being made. Ask for help. It is hard but it gets easier.

[ckmannel]

My kiddos are 16 months apart and OMG what a whirlwind it was and still is (youngest is 14 months now and big brother is 2 1/2)!  Because I still don't have a lot of free time I'll bullet my ideas:

1. babywear, a lot, use multiple methods to relieve pressure.  i had an ellaroo wrap and LOVED it

2. lower expectations, as long as everyone is fed, clothed, and safe, you have done well.

3. along those lines, cut yourself some slack: order out, use a disposable diaper occasionally, eat pb&j and soup for dinner, etc

4. ask for help

5. join a group like meetup or a church playgroup, these people will help and support

6. one thing i wish i had done: if you send out announcements of the birth or are going to have a shower, perhaps consider an "in leau of' gift request (you already have much of what you need      anyway from your first child) perhaps ask for maid service, prepared meals, babysitter, etc.

good luck.  it is challenging and as everyone else has said, no two kiddos are alike.  my first was soooo easy, second was so high maintenance.  hope you have as pleasant of an experience as possible

[tabrizia]

DS and DD are 23 months apart and DD and DS will be almost exactly 24 months apart.  Big things were carriers, being able to put the baby in the carrier and still play with DS was so nice.  If you are willing go ahead and use the TV if you need a break, I know horrors and evil and all, but sometimes you really need a break with two little ones.  Frozen dinners before they arrive, if you make something that can be frozen make a double batch and freeze the second portion, makes having dinner so much easier.  If the elder is eating, eat at the same time, even if you don't feel hungry, you are going to forget to eat, so since you have to feed the older one anyways, make sure you eat something at the same time! 

It gets better, after about 6 months it was a lot easier at our house, but those first 6 months were a bit tough, because an almost 2 year old is still a baby, and now you have a tiny little baby too.  Also get the older one to help, they might not always do it, but they can be asked to grab a diaper if you are nursing the smaller one, and sometimes they will actually bring it to you, which is really helpful at times.  Remember as long as everyone is fed, and changed life is going well!

I found that at nap time, since I couldn't leave DS alone to put down DD, I would just bring us all up to my bed and we would all snuggle and I would sometimes turn on a movie on the tv.  It kept everyone close, DS fell asleep eventually as did DD and I didn't have to worry about keeping DS entertained if he wasn't quite ready for his nap yet.  Also if the older one needs something and the younger one is content, or even if both need something at the same time, feel free to help the elder one first, since it makes them feel important, and honestly the one that is closer to 2 normally takes less time to deal with then the new infant who probably wants to nurse again!

It really is doable, but it is a rough first couple of months.

[Carrie1105]

I have a 14 1/2 month old and a 5 week old.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There was a two-day period where I didn't get a shower or brush my teeth.  I just crashed.  My 14 month old has been having a hard time sleeping since she was 9 1/2 months when molar teething started.  She just had roseola and is pushing her canine teeth through.  My little guy had a milk protein issue (like his big sister) and nothing was working and finally found a formula that works for him.  There are still days when he gets gassy that nothing helps.  I seriously feel that my days are spent trying to get both of them to sleep.  Like others said, lower your expectations.  I expected this to be hard, but not quite this hard.  I live far away from family and friends and have no one to ask for help.  Some days I'm in my PJs until mid-day and then I just throw something.  I rely on my husband to do most of the housework.  I just hope as both of them get older, things will start getting a bit easier.  Having them 13 1/2 months apart has been the best birth control for us.  We're not having anymore. ;)

[elisheva]

Originally Posted by Carrie1105 

I have a 14 1/2 month old and a 5 week old.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There was a two-day period where I didn't get a shower or brush my teeth.  I just crashed.  My 14 month old has been having a hard time sleeping since she was 9 1/2 months when molar teething started.  She just had roseola and is pushing her canine teeth through.  My little guy had a milk protein issue (like his big sister) and nothing was working and finally found a formula that works for him.  There are still days when he gets gassy that nothing helps.  I seriously feel that my days are spent trying to get both of them to sleep.  Like others said, lower your expectations.  I expected this to be hard, but not quite this hard.  I live far away from family and friends and have no one to ask for help.  Some days I'm in my PJs until mid-day and then I just throw something.  I rely on my husband to do most of the housework.  I just hope as both of them get older, things will start getting a bit easier.  Having them 13 1/2 months apart has been the best birth control for us.  We're not having anymore. ;)

 If you live anywhere close to me, I'll come clean your house and make you a bunch of freezer meals :)

[Lucy Alden]

My boys are 15 months apart.  I look back now and can't believe I made it through.  It is difficult but completely doable.  My boys are super close now and I can't wait to see their friendship evolve.  My only real suggestion is to feed your freezer.  I spent a few weeks making double batches of soups, sauces, stews, etc.  By the end I had almost 30 dinners.  That completely saved us from starvation.  I also had loads of power bar type things for me to eat during the day.  I really needed the calories as I was tandem nursing.  I remember one day trying to eat left over meatballs from the night before.  I threw them in the microwave then had to attend to one of the boys.  Went back turned it on for another few minutes but then had to attend to the other boy.  I think I reheated those meatballs four or five times before I actually got to eat them.  They were dried and shriveled but I was so hungry I choked them down.  Believe me, foods you can eat one handed that don't need to be heated are your friend.

[happysmileylady]

You are almost exactly one year behind me.  My middle child (I also have a teen) was born 11/7/08, my youngest was due 9/22/10 and was actually born 9/12/10. 

What another poster mentioned about "letting stuff go" is so true.  We order pizza WAY more than I am comfortable with (twice in the month of January!) because there are days that I just cannot a dinner going.  Tonight, we didn't eat dinner until 8pm, and it was just chicken breasts baked with italian dressing and some microwaved veggies.  No prep involved, but between trying to go grocery shopping (which was a wasted tirp because baby fell apart) and dealing with the evening cluster feeding, there just wasn't time.

Enlist any help you can and accept as many offers of help as you can.  I believe I would just be a disaster if I didn't have a 15 year old around to help.  A few nights ago, the baby was having a bad night, fussy, kept popping off while nursing, though nothing more than typical baby fussiness.  I was trying to burp her and just as she belched and puked her entire dinner all over me, the 2 year old walked into the room from the playroom with her pants off, holding onto her poo filled diaper and her legs covered in poo.  She then handed me the diaper and said "der, deryo go!"  It's times like that that I am extremely grateful I can hollar upstairs and ask the teen to clean up the baby and get her a clean pair of clothes, while I can take the 2 yr old to hose down in the shower :D

Going out with just the two of them is a chore.  Especially in the winter.  Getting the baby into the fleece covered pumpkin seat, getting the 2 yr old into a coat, getting them both into the van with snow and ice all over the ground, hauling them in and out of the car, it's work.  I prefer to do as many errands as possible in one trip, but it's really hard when trying to haul them in and out of the card, it makes it all take like 3 times as long. 

BABYPROOFING.  My 2 yr old is a mover and a shaker.  And a climber.  She's the toddler that pulls out the drawers to form steps to climb onto counters and so on.  We have gated off the family room and the play room, which are our primary living areas, and that's basically all she's allowed to be in.  I would love to let her in the kitchen so she could get into the pantry or fridge to get her own food, but she gets into EVERYTHING.  Even with cabinet locks and other babyproofing measures, she finds ways to get into dangerous stuff.  So, babyproof what you can, in rooms that you can access/see easily from where you will most commonly nurse, and block off the rest. 

TV is also our savior.  We watch way more than I am comfortable with, but really, I don't know what other options I have.  When I spend 20 minutes nursing and another 20+ rocking the baby, something has to occupy the 2 yr old for those 40 minutes.  She's only just starting to play alone, pretend play etc, in the beginning, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was about the only thing that kept her from climbing on top of the couch and jumping off.

Oh, also, instead of a shower, we did a gender reveal party.  I didn't need or want a shower with number 3 ( because there were 13 years between 1 and 2, I did need a shower with #2)  but I still wanted some sort of party.  I was lucky in the my sister owns a cake shop.  So, after our 20wk ultrasound, she was informed of the gender by the tech, while we were kept in the dark.  She then made a white cake and dyed the batter according to the gender.  Then we had a get together, with family and friends and when we cut into the cake the gender was revealed.  Except....well in our case, the 20wk u/s was inconclusive in regards to gender, so we just had a party with pink and blue colored cupcakes:D

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by Carrie1105 

I have a 14 1/2 month old and a 5 week old.  I feel like I'm drowning.  There was a two-day period where I didn't get a shower or brush my teeth.  I just crashed.  My 14 month old has been having a hard time sleeping since she was 9 1/2 months when molar teething started.  She just had roseola and is pushing her canine teeth through.  My little guy had a milk protein issue (like his big sister) and nothing was working and finally found a formula that works for him.  There are still days when he gets gassy that nothing helps.  I seriously feel that my days are spent trying to get both of them to sleep.  Like others said, lower your expectations.  I expected this to be hard, but not quite this hard.  I live far away from family and friends and have no one to ask for help.  Some days I'm in my PJs until mid-day and then I just throw something.  I rely on my husband to do most of the housework.  I just hope as both of them get older, things will start getting a bit easier.  Having them 13 1/2 months apart has been the best birth control for us.  We're not having anymore. ;)

[holothuroidea]

I don't quite have 2 under 2 but they are 26 months apart so close enough!

I expected to feel apprehensive towards the new baby, and I expected jealousy from my toddler. I expected to not have time for housework and to eat garbage take out food for a long time. All of these things I was fine with... Then baby happened. I felt no apprehension for her, I actually felt the overwhelming love people talk about for their babies (I was surprised by this because it took me a long time to bond with my first). My toddler has no jealousy for the baby (she really, in fact, thinks the baby is the greatest thing in the whole world).

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and not for any of the reasons people came up with in previous posts. I was completely shattered by how much my relationship with my oldest changed. All of a sudden she was not a baby any more, and my expectations of her shifted. This was NOT a good thing. Before if she did something a toddler would do (like refuse to sit still to have teeth brushed) it was cute and normal baby behavior. After the baby was born, I would view the same behavior as blatant defiance. I spent a lot of wasted energy trying to teach her things that she was not ready to learn. All of this created a lot of frustration and anger for both of us. I started punishing her, and it obviously didn't work so I got even more frustrated. I did things I never said I would do. Shouting matches, pushing, holding down, and even spanking. Then I would feel like a horrible monster, like I didn't deserve to have children. It was awful. Do not let this happen to you. My advice is LET GO of expectations. Have none. None for the baby, none for the toddler, and none for yourself. 

I'm still trying to get it together, and I still loose control of my temper. I am still, as I say, learning to swim (that is, I am still sinking sometimes). It takes a lot of hard, emotional work. 

I don't mean to be depressing about it. Like someone had said before, I wish someone was brutally honest with me. I was completely unprepared for it.

[LadyCatherine185]

Lots of good advice from PP's! Mine are 27 months apart, and I can relate to this--
 

Originally Posted by holothuroidea 

I don't quite have 2 under 2 but they are 26 months apart so close enough!

I expected to feel apprehensive towards the new baby, and I expected jealousy from my toddler. I expected to not have time for housework and to eat garbage take out food for a long time. All of these things I was fine with... Then baby happened. I felt no apprehension for her, I actually felt the overwhelming love people talk about for their babies (I was surprised by this because it took me a long time to bond with my first). My toddler has no jealousy for the baby (she really, in fact, thinks the baby is the greatest thing in the whole world).

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and not for any of the reasons people came up with in previous posts. I was completely shattered by how much my relationship with my oldest changed. All of a sudden she was not a baby any more, and my expectations of her shifted. This was NOT a good thing. Before if she did something a toddler would do (like refuse to sit still to have teeth brushed) it was cute and normal baby behavior. After the baby was born, I would view the same behavior as blatant defiance. I spent a lot of wasted energy trying to teach her things that she was not ready to learn. All of this created a lot of frustration and anger for both of us. I started punishing her, and it obviously didn't work so I got even more frustrated. I did things I never said I would do. Shouting matches, pushing, holding down, and even spanking. Then I would feel like a horrible monster, like I didn't deserve to have children. It was awful. Do not let this happen to you. My advice is LET GO of expectations. Have none. None for the baby, none for the toddler, and none for yourself. 

I'm still trying to get it together, and I still loose control of my temper. I am still, as I say, learning to swim (that is, I am still sinking sometimes). It takes a lot of hard, emotional work. 

I don't mean to be depressing about it. Like someone had said before, I wish someone was brutally honest with me. I was completely unprepared for it.

i read an article yesterday that really hit home as well--

http://mamabirth.blogspot.com/2010/11/humbling-moment-547-women-with-more.html

congrats and good luck mama! for me it has been a little easier than I thought it would, but there have been some REALLY hard days.. 

[texmati]

My two are 16 months apart. I'm two weeks in, and so far it's been a lot easier than I imagined. nak, but will come back to type more!

[texmati]

ok! I'm back! TBH, I was heartbroken when I found out that I was pregnant, and more so when my son needed formula supplements, and finally weaned at 12 mos (5 mos in to pregnancy). That was the hardest part. Also, this pregnancy was really difficult on me so it feels like the new baby had started to interfere before she was even born. I feel like there was so much distance between me and my son created by this pregnancy, and that it was only going to get worse when the baby was born.

I did read a few places about the urge to have the bigger one 'grow up' before they were ready; and tried as hard as I could to prevent that. Instead of trying to figure out how to lesson my big baby's needs, I'm trying to figure out alternative ways to meet them. So... dh is doing all the nights with my son, I'm doing the nights with my daughter. Right now we have hired a sitter for the big baby while I rest and nurse the little one. Big baby has also been spending a lot of time with my parents and sister. We also wrap the little one in blankets, or wear her in the wrap so it's not so obvious that we are holding her. We moved her day time sleeping area (pack n play) to behind the couch so she's not in his face all the time. We try to control their interactions as much as possible, because leaving them alone, is just setting him up to 'fail', and hurt his sister inadvertently.  I think little things like that have helped a lot.

I know i'm going to be in for a rude awakening when I have to take care of them solo, but I"m trying to enjoy each day for what it is right now. And each day, my son is getting older, and smarter, and it will get easier.  Yes, it's harder on my son than I wish it was, but I keep trying to tell myself that I wouldn't trade my sister for 'x' more months of nursing or alone time with my mom. 

In return, I've been shocked at how sweet and gentle my rambunctious toddler can be with his sister. He pats her on the head, and can point out her eyes and nose. He says 'babeeeee' when she cries, and looks for her.

All that being said, we've lucked out in a few ways-- 1) I was able to have a vaginal delivery, and I can get out of bed without help 2 weeks pp 2) we have alot of family around 3) ds was very high needs, but dd is not 4) nursing is going well. None of that was true when my son was born, and his newborn days were way worse than it is now.

[EngineeringMama]

I'd like to say there is hope. I have two great daughters that are 12.5 months apart. It's been much much easier than I thought it would be.  I love it so much we are TTC #3, #2 is 9 mo now, #1 is 22 mo.

For us the key is sleep, we worked very very hard to get ODD sleeping well before baby arrived and we were blessed that she responded and that YDD was/is a restful baby. But keep nap time sacred. Keep bed time sacred.  Rested kids are so much easier to deal with, even if you have to battle them to sleep.  It means that I spend most of day with one kid napping, since YDD takes two and ODD takes one in between the two the younger takes. so it's hard to get out of the house and I don't get much time to nap.

Like many PPs said, you've got to relax the high expectations on yourself, but certainly keep some of the kids and perhaps raise them. DD1 is a typical 21 mo, so we accept tantrums and testing the limits but we don't relax our expectations of her behavior.  For example we had some issues with ODD and touching, pinching, pulling the baby but  like most things it was our parenting that was the problem, we thought she understood gentle touches, but she really didn't, we had to actually take her hand and show her with her hands not just give her gentle touches. We didn't just give up and think 'oh that's what happens and we just need to keep an eye on her', we worked hard to ensure that she know what she was supposed to do and what we expected. We also were very open with ODD when new baby came home, we let her touch her, be near her and just plain see her, we didn't make her an untouchable thing. In the end she pretty much ignored her. She'd run up and kiss and hug her then run away and continue her play.

Accept that new baby may have to cry more than you'd like, more than you let first baby cry. that's just the way it is. Accept that new baby may get pulled down, poked or prodded and that's okay.  that's kind of tough to accept at times, but I make sure I spend special time with each girl each day, if only to make me feel better.  I was a second child I feel no ill effects from it, I know my mom and dad loved me even though they couldn't give me all the time and protection they may have wanted.

Expect the best, understand that no mom is perfect, no kids are perfect and that you'll make it through.