Dealing with your toddler and older kids

[DevaMajka]

How do you deal with situations that arise when your toddler is "playing with" older kids (not your own)?

There are a number of older kids who come over to my house and end up playing downstairs, where all of J's (19mos) toys are. The kids are 4, 5, 6, and 9. I've had a few situations where the older kids are playing with one of J's toys (the xylophone seems to be a popular one), and J tries to play with it too, and the older kids "yell" (in a sort of harsh tone) at him to not take toys, and that they are playing with it. The 9yo actually snatched the toy back out of J's hand once.

So I'm torn. I don't want to be the mom who lets her toddler run amok, using the excuse that "he's littler than you are." OTOH, I wonder if it's reasonable in these situations, with kids of these ages.

WWYD? Should I redirect J? I sort of feel like that's asking a lot of J, when the kids are playing with his toys.

How do I talk to the older kids about it? They are all here without a parent, and the situations are not likely to change, which is fine with me. I just need to know how to deal with this particular issue.

[mnj77]

I run into this sometimes at play cafes or other public play spaces.  I've had some luck with "The toys are for everyone to share.  Maybe you could play together."  Or maybe, "He's just a baby and he's still learning to share.  Maybe you could help him learn."

[ElliesMomma]

when their parents aren't there, it is up to YOU to take charge. 

i would go right down there at the outset of a playdate and spell it out real clearly to them. these are J's toys. point each one of them out. the big kid toys are over there. sometimes he wants to play with his own toys. if you want to try them out, you should ask J. he is willing to share with you, but sometimes he wants a turn too. OK? 

i'm guessing the older kids are mostly boys? just a guess, maybe i'm wrong. i have found that girls tend to be, generally, a bit more sensitive to babies (toddlers are just big babies) and more accommodating. but maybe i'm wrong. 

in any case though i would set the ground rules. it's your house. tell them the rules to follow!

[rubidoux]

I have worried about the same thing some, but with my little guy it's usually just with his brother that there are issues.  His brother is almost always great with him but every once in a while my older ds gets frustrated.  I worry not only that I'll be reinforcing bad habits in the little one if I "baby" him, but also that I'll make my older ds feel bad by always "siding" with the baby.  Just the same, though, he is a baby and I have been babying him and I do usually jump in and come to his defense.  lol  I don't know if it's always the right thing to do, but I am finding that as he gets a little older (he'll be 2 in a couple of days) I am naturally finding opportunities to talk to *him* about sharing and allowing my older ds to have a turn and that sort of thing.  And I have a feeling that following my gut with it is probably working.  

From what you said, it sounds to me like you will not be coddling J by jumping in and making sure that he is treated fairly and respectfully by the older kids.  19 months is really still a baby and, I think, too young to expect him to follow the same rules as the older kids.