Can We Talk About the "F" Word?

[Delicate]

Not that F word. The other F word. The one we women use and abuse and hate.

Let's talk about FAT. Especially as it relates to young girls.

My ODD (7) has a few friends on her swim team of various ages. One is 8 or 9. My DD has had problems with her before, she's just... a user, really. Her parents are users and she's a user. But alas, I'm not going to choose my kids' friends, and I put up with it. Today the friend didn't like something DD said, I don't know what it was but it was some typical young girl thing, and the friend responded by calling my DD fat.

For background, both my DD's are beanpoles and this friend not only is herself overweight, she's more developed than half the older division swim team. It was a baseless and sadly ironic accusation. But my daughter had taken it to heart. I have never thought of this. Maybe I should have, but I haven't, especially not this young. But it has. She came back all quiet, moody, unusual for her. I asked her what was wrong and she asked me if she was fat and whether she should diet.

Bowl me over. I told her she's not in any way, and that she has no need for diets, none of our family does, that we are all quite healthy and that her habits (and my own and her sister's for that matter) don't lend themselves to her gaining excess weight, which is the truth. She seemed satisfied and perked up, and all seems forgotten. I know that there might be a day when that answer doesn't suffice though, when she's more conscious of things and of herself.

Did I do the right thing? What do you do if/when body issues come up in your home? How do you keep their self-esteem high through this kind of thing, without being dismissive? How do you navigate the tons of body issues just waiting for kids - but girls especially - as they grow from girls into young women? My daughters are unschoolers, not immersed in peer-culture as much as even most girls, we have an extremely open and trusting relationship as partners, friends, women, mother and children, but I know even that isn't enough sometimes, that sometimes they need something more proactive from a parent on this kind of thing. I feel like I need to prepare and think about this kind of thing more now.

Any ideas on this kind of matter? Thoughts? Comments? Anecdotes?

[rubidoux]

The only thing I can think of to add to your answer to her is that her value as a person is completely separate and independent of her weight.  It is not that she is fine and all is well bc her friend is wrong and she is in fact thin.  She needs to know that, no matter what her weight, she is fine.  There are a lot of people who have good non-fattening habits who are fat or will be someday, so I would not want to be spending energy convincing her that she was thin so much as convincing her that she would be perfectly lovable either way.

This is just a hugely difficult subject.  Makes me happy mine are boys!  

[sapphire_chan]

How sad that the girl has learned that it is okay to try to hurt people by commenting on their looks and that looking "fat" is something that people should feel offended about.

Maybe you could talk to the swim coach about talking to girl about how it's normal for girls to fill out right before puberty and that last big height growth spurt? The coach could also offer to talk to her parents for her.

I'd really hate for that girl to start dieting (or worse) because she's "fat" when she'll likely grow into her weight in the next couple years. It's important that she have plenty of good healthy food and if she's making fat insults, she might be getting her food restricted by her parents, which could, especially in a girl with poor self esteem, lead to her binging on unhealthy things when they're available and over shoot her true calorie needs.

Not everyone does get chubby before puberty, but enough do that you need to be very careful about how you talk about weight to any prepubescent child.

[Lisa1970]

I do think it is ok to chose your children's friends. You just tell your daughter what you think of the child's behavior. You talk to your daughter about how it makes her feel (as in your daughter) and how it is not ok to hang around with someone who is treating her this way. You teach her this now, at 7 yrs old, so that when she is 22 yrs old, she is not marrying a man who is abusing her or mistreating her. You teach your daughter now to have boundaries. 

I had to ban my son from friends before. They were not friends. They were mistreating him big time, including beating him up and bullying him. It was awful and he just kept trying to get them to like him. For a long time, I tried to just explain to him why he should not hang around those kids and what to do at recess instead. Finally, after they threw my son to the ground and kicked him in the stomach and stomped on his glasses and broke them, I told my son enough was enough. He has chosen an abusive relationship for too long and I was putting an end. He was not go to anywhere near those boys at recess. I told him to stand next to the teacher the whole time if need be, but stay away from those kids. Within a week, after years of letting those bullies treat him that way, within a week he had a new group of friends who were way nicer! I regret waiting so long. Fact is, as a parent, it is your job to teach your child to respect herself and have healthy relationship. Tell your daughter what you think of this girl and what she should be doing. Chances are, your daughter will agree with you and move on to other things and people.

Good luck! I know..it is heartbreaking. ((hugs))

[meemee]

my dd like her dad is chubby.

my dd does not fit the norm. she thinks differently, plays differently.

while my dd does things to fit in, she does not fit in. she has been aware of her difference from quite an young age.

i have never chosen her friends for her.

i have been there to help her through all those days when she came home with a long face.

she is learning that perhaps like many she may have to live a 'lonely' life. that connecting to someone like her may or may not happen.

she is social. has many friends. but not cliques. as she grows older she realises what a 'misfit' she is and also watches other discover that about her.

she may enjoy taylor swift's music, but she doesnt have to ape ts like her friends do.

so she gets a whole lot of situations thrown at her.

and to quote ElastoGirl tell Mr Incredible "this is NOT! ABOUT! YOU!"

i have taught my dd to read behind the words. i've taught her to understand when those 'friends' call her fat it might be completely unrelated to fat and may be about something else. when her dad calls her fat i show her how it is an expression of his love and concern for her - in a twisted way.

like pp said i have tried to show my dd that everyone has a mouth, everyone has a right to their opinion. if she takes them to heart its all about my dd. she should not blame others.

however my dd watches ME. how do i react. sometimes she is surprised that i am not angry about the things her dad says about me. she gets really suprised. mom you are not angry with daddy. so i tell her he is expressing an opinion. in his books i may be an idiot, but i dont think i am an idiot. sometimes i am when i am tired and exhausted but just coz he calls me that doesnt make me who i am.

it has been really helpful for my dd. we practise a lot of non violent communication. https://www.cnvc.org/ it has really helped her connect with teh very kids who tease her. esp. the bullies. the bully in bridge to terabithia was dd's biggest eureka moment.

i dont look at the situation as a fat thing. but mean kids. how to not see them as mean.

[Delicate]

Thanks for the responses. All have much to be considered :)

I have since talked to ODD. The friend problem resolved itself really - she wants nothing to do with the girl now and while they'll have to see each other for swim, I doubt there is a chance of a friendship again. She has many other friends and this one has been fading and pushing her buttons for quite some time.

Thanks especially meemee. I think you make a great point - it's not always about "you," and I think I need to have another discussion with ehr about taking other peoples' words personally or not. So often, bullies hate themselves much more than they hate their victims, and everything out of their mouth is more about themselves than anyone else.

[lab]

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[lab]

nevermind