I'm not sure which forum to put this in, hopefully this is the right one.
Background: I married DH when Oldest Son (my stepson) was almost three. I legally adopted him and DH legally adopted my daughter from a previous relationship a year later. All this happened before I met him, but the story according to DH, court documents, and DH's family is pretty much this. OS's mother and DH married fairly young and he was stationed overseas when OS was born and for the first five months after his birth. OS's mother had severe PDD after his birth. She tried to self medicate with alochol and prescription drugs. When OS was five months old, she took him to a doctor's office and left him in his car seat in waiting room. She never came back. He was malnourished, had a horrible rash, his back, stomach, legs and arms were bruised and had a dislocated shoulder. DH was given compassionate leave, he met OS for the first time in the hospital ICU. MIL was given physical custody of OS until DH's tour ended a few months later. DH raised him ever since.
OS's mother served some jail time, went to rehab, and surrendered custody and parental rights. She had supervised visitation for a while, but never came. She lives in DH's home town and by all counts has been clean and sober since her rehab. She's remarried, has two other children, and has a job. The few times we've seen her around when we were visiting MIL, she acts as if we don't exist. She looks right through OS and DH.
OS has only mentioned her to DH and I a few times and only in passing to ask questions about his birth when our younger kids were born. If we bring her up, he insists that I'm his mother in the ways that matter. We took him to a counselor for a while and she said, he appeared well adjusted, happy, and content with his life. He is aware of why we have custody, the abuse and neglect, we told him when he was in therapy. He seemed neither surprised or concerned since according to him "It happened a long time ago."
So the issue is recently OS's mother had her lawyer contact DH asking for limited visitation and contact. She would like email and phone contact once a month and twice yearly visit. She has no legal rights. It's completely based on our discretion. DH's still angry at her, but is willing to allow some contact if OS wants it. OS is indifferent, he'd like to meet his other siblings and grandparents, but really doesn't seem interested in meeting her. Inetellectually, I only want her to have contact if OS wants to. Emotionally, I'm so angry at her for the pain she has put OS through. As a mother, even as a mother who had PDD herself, I am so angry I shake when I think about her touching or even speaking to OS. I know she gave to birth to him and is his mother, but I've been there every day for the past ten years. I'm sure my feelings are made worse by the fact I gave birth in December. I know I've never heard her side of the story and at least she got OS help, but I really can't find any empathy for her. I think I just needed to vent.