Weekend Check-In
Name: Lofn
Date: Feb 21
Where are you in your cycle: It's been a little over one week since I ovulated.
Symptoms if they apply: occasional cramping on the left side, but it's super minor, agitated, but that's probably from people agitating me!
When are you thinking of testing: Next weekend I guess. I really don't think this is the month.
Thoughts: I'm worried about Scott. The sleep study made him realize how huge the difference is between sleeping normally, and sleeping with that CPAP machine, so he's been exhausted lately, and he's having trouble pushing through. The doctors still haven't called us with the full diagnosis and the prescription, so we can't just go out and get him what he needs. Anyway, as a result, he has no energy, hurts himself at work more, sleeps a lot, and can't seem to function sexually right now. We had sex one time this last cycle, and it was the day after I stopped ovulating. We tried twice while I was ovulating and several times before, nothing. He gets into it, but then can't stay after a bit and can't orgasm. Hopefully the CPAP machine is all that he needs to fix this, but just in case he's going to try and see a urologist, since he needs to get his sperm checked out anyway (it would suck if we've just been wasting clomid all this time). In the meantime, I guess we're going to wait a little while, wait for the doctor to call, wait for him to see a urologist (he won't even see the doctor to get the referral till March 23rd. Why must this hospital take so long to do everything?). I'm trying so hard not to get frustrated with him about this. I know it's not his fault, but I feel awful. I feel like I put medicine in my body for no reason, I feel like I'm doing my part and he can't do his (and I keep trying to remind myself it's not his fault, but that awful nagging voice in my head asks why he didn't make the appt to see a urologist a whole year ago when I told him he should), I'm trying really really hard to feel sympathetic about him feeling nervous about the doctor, but I can't say I do, at all. Not after how many doctors have touched my naked body, not after I was told I need medicine to get pregnant while my sister can just forget to take her birth control. I can't do it. I can't care right now about him being nervous because of how I have to drive across town over and over because the people who work at my clinic are too stupid to schedule a simple blood test without me standing in front of them. I don't get to be nervous anymore, I've moved on to embarrassed and confused and like my doctors don't actually care enough to just answer a couple questions. I'll feel bad for him if he gets bad results, but I'm afraid I'm going to also get angry because he didn't schedule the appt a year ago when I asked him to because I was afraid of taking clomid without knowing if something was up with him as well. I don't know how I'll be able to comfort him if he needs it if I'll be wanting to slap him. And I can't talk to him about how I feel about this, because that will only stress him out and make it even worse. Also, I happen to REALLY like sex, so this is driving me insane for sex drive reasons as well.
Appointments: I see my PCP about my blood pressure meds March 8, he has one with his PCP March 23 to get his referral to see a urologist.
Any new regimes, ie herbs, medications, mantras etc: Nope. Just trying to forget about everything for a while, since we can't really keep TTC until he starts feeling better.
Do you have any stress triggers: I'm not very good at not talking about how I feel, and my girlfriends are going through their own stuff so I can't talk to them about it. I'm just angry and trying to block out how angry I am however I can.
What is working to help you be stress-free this cycle: I'm trying to start hanging out with this awesome couple I met online. She's pregnant and had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, so maybe she'll be good for me to talk to about this, but I haven't known her terribly long, so it'll take some time to build a friendship.
Partners feelings if applicable: Yeah, on top of all the stuff I already mentioned, I feel like he's not telling me how he feels because he's afraid I'm too stressed out or wouldn't understand. And he doesn't really have too many guy friends, especially not guys who actually know about this kind of stuff, so he's just bottling his feelings up and that's making it even harder to perform. I just want him to get help. If he doesn't feel he can talk to me, dear god please talk to someone. I'm going nuts trying to figure out what he wants and needs all the time, and then having to nudge him in the direction of going and getting it, while ignoring how I feel and acting like nothing is wrong. I just wish he had gone to his doctor last year. He's a grown man, why can't he seem to just make a phone call sometimes?
Plans for this weekend: testing, not sure what else yet. Game night on Sunday.
