spinoff: Work-Life Balance for SAHP... how do you find it? (Or do you?)

[cyclamen]

Inspired by some posted in the Regrets of a SAHM thread.  I hope we can support each other here in finding balance as a SAHP.  (I thought about putting this in Parenting, and I'm still wondering if it would be better to, but there are unique issues for different situations... yes?  No?)  But does anything change if we think of SAHP as work rather than the absence of a job.  I realize not everyone approaches SAHP this way, but it was a huge shift in thinking for me to start approaching being a mom at home as work that I do - to see what I do as productive and meaningful - rather than simply the default or the invisible absence of other (meaningful? lucrative?) pursuits.  And at least for me, I feel that being able to approach SAH as meaningful, productive work has allowed me space to do additional meaningful work and studying.  Whereas when I felt that what I was doing was "absence" - I didn't feel I had the right to pursue anything else.

Soo.... How do you define work-life balance?  How do you find it?  What has to give?  What gets done?  What are your goals and dreams and hopes?  You ideals?  The everyday reality?

[GoBecGo]

Hey!  Great thread idea OP!

I definitely feel parenting is a job.  It is not my "life's work" as some see it.  I enjoy it fine, it's pretty rewarding in its own way, but i enjoy my other pursuits and interests too, and often far more.

Disclaimer - i used to be terrible at balance!

The thing about kids is that they sort of expand-to-fit whatever room/time one has and it's so easy to let household and parenting tasks take over all the time one has.  In addition, women tend to be terrible for imposing "musts" on themselves in a vacuum.  Like you "must" play with the baby, in a dedicated eye-contact, full interaction way for ALL the time possible every day or they will grow up neglected and/or you're wasting your time even being a SAHM.  Or you "must" get every scrap of housework done every day because it's the sign of a "good" H in which to be a SAHM.

SO, my first "rule" of SAH balance is "break your own rules".  DON'T do the laundry.  DON'T iron.  DON'T start dinner on time.  LET the baby entertain themself for 20mins.  Not every day - i am not advocating going mental or living in total chaos, i just mean it does one good to deconstruct one's "musts" so one can keep good perspective on time and how much of it you can use to pursue your own interests without life falling apart.  This is also useful because it brings "work perspective" - what happens if you WOH and get sick?  Nothing.  No one dies because you miss work, no-one is permanently scarred because you surfed for half a friday afternoon when your boss wasn't in.  Likewise SAHMing.  You have the RIGHT to be able to cut a little loose sometimes - being your own boss is HARD, many women tend to have much higher expectations of themselves than they would of others.

Balance for me is being able to SAH with success (which for me means the home is running pretty smoothly, the kids are generally happy and healthy and DP and I are connected and loving with one another and the children) without feeling like i've been eclipsed from existence by the tasks i do to facilitate that success.

I steal time.  That is how i find balance.  I just gave DD2 a grape (i bit it to reduce choking risk).  She's investigating it while i type.  Every now and then i hand her something else.  Could i be interacting more intensively with her?  Yes.  Will it damage her that i'm not?  No.  Grapes exist too, as well as Mama's, and she can learn about them today! lol.  I didn't do any laundry today (really i need to do 8 loads a week minimum, but i'll just do 3 tomorrow or 4 the day after - i did once do 7 in one day!).

Ultimately i think the most important thing is to set aside time every day for a break.  I call it "mama time".  DD1 is given crayons, or a hideous noisy toy, DD2 is nursed to sleep or put in her playpen with some exciting toys, i get a coffee, i login here, or read an interesting article, or phone a friend, or whatever.  But i do it, every day.  It makes me sad to hear when a SAHP feels the WOHP is getting more of a rest on the COMMUTE to work than they are getting - that's a horrible state of affairs!  It's so so full-on being with small children all day, you NEED and DESERVE a break.

I'm so lucky.  I know a bunch of women who are interested, like me, in feminism.  Several of us have recently had babies, so we have an email group where one will email out an article or book recommendation and the rest of us read and comment, time and interest allowing.  I am just beginning to do a little (i.e. one hour a week, as yet unpaid though i could invoice and change that!) freelance admin work for the IM who attended when i had DD2, we talk birthing and womens topics too.  I am on here and a few other sites.  I sew and knit a lot and use my internet Favourites folder to stack up projects i like the look of, and tackle them whenever i get time.  I write fiction and am too lazy to submit it anywhere for publication!  My DP has a very interesting job in software and is a scrum master and agile coach.  Consequently i know a LOT about agile at this stage!  I just helped DP write a conference presentation and he's delivering it tomorrow.

What has to give?  Something.  Always something.  Tonight?  Dinner - but DP and i love to buy an occasional pizza, so it's no hardship to do it tonight.  Yesterday? Laundry but i will make up for it, i always do.  Tomorrow?  Who knows.  Something.  So long as it isn't my kid's welfare or my sanity i know it's all good.  I've learned to Let Go and relax about whatever the something is.  Balance for me is that it isn't always the same Something and it isn't Me more often than anything else.

I hope to get back to running more regularly when DD1 begins school in the summer - i have a babyjogger but DD1 can't keep up on her feet and there's nowhere to run nearby where she'd be safe on her bike.  I plan, once she's settled at school, to take DD1 to school with DD2 in the jogger and get a run in right then.  I hope to get a little more freelance work going.  I hope to start getting some of my fiction out there and find some success there.  I hope to figure out a way to start a mother + baby group for MOMS who want to talk feminism.  But my plans keep me alive as much as my achievements do.  I'm building my little Rome, it's happening.

I think the need for structure is a normal one.  I think over-structuring is a normal reaction to the need.  I think becoming subsequently lost in the SAH structure (which is always so focussed on the children and the home and NOT the mother because we make up the remit as if the mother was a servant to the home and not a member of it) and feeling like SAHing has totally eradicated any sense of self is pretty normal too.  Society DOES see SAH as an absence and not a job.  Childcare is only a job if a man or a CCP is doing it.  If a mother is doing it it doesn't count.  Seeing how much bullshit that was is what saved me from disappearing forever into the role of the family slave.