My homebirth with Sophia- with pictures (long!)

[Monarchgrrl]

Part One- Pregnancy

I had a smooth, easy pregnancy after getting pregnant on the second try at home with frozen anonymous sperm. I loved being pregnant and feeling my baby move inside me. DW was very excited to become a mom, but was less than engrossed in the pregnancy. She was supportive of our homebirth plans, but not as excited as I was. I planned and read and relayed interesting information to her.

Our EDD was Oct 26, based on conception, but when we had our first ultrasound at 7 weeks the tech estimated the EDD to be Nov. 2. So we picked an easy date in between and said our EDD was Halloween. We were very much hoping for either a Halloween baby (our favorite holiday) or a baby born on Day of the Dead (Nov. 2) because DW is Mexican and we used Mexican sperm to conceive.

We planned a homebirth with a wonderful midwife team and our doula was also our Birthing From Within class teacher.

I started taking EPO orally and vaginally starting at 38 weeks. I lost my mucous plug on Saturday, Oct. 30^th. It kept up for two days. I was so excited!

Part Two- Early Labor

Halloween day came and went and we were a little sad. But then that night, at 12:57am I rolled over in bed and felt like something was about to gush. I managed to get out of bed without getting the bed wet (!) and as I was running to the bathroom, water gushed out all over the kitchen and bathroom floor. It was a gush like in the movies and if I was in public it would have been really embarrassing. As I was running I yelled to DW, “My water just broke!” And she immediately started cleaning the floor while I sat on the toilet. It stopped quickly so we went back to bed. Exactly one hour after my water broke, at 1:58am, I felt my first contraction. I woke DW up to let her know, but told her to go back to sleep. We both rested, but neither of us slept; her, because she was too excited and me because the contractions were exactly 5 minutes apart and were already quite painful. I put on my Hypnobabies cd and listened to the first stage track. They quickly became too much to even lay down through so I got out of bed at about 4am and started timing them on the laptop, just for fun. They were pretty consistent, always between 3 and 5 minutes apart. From the very first one, they were all in my back! I emailed my doula to give her a heads up and called my midwives’ phone service to let them know to plan to come over sometime that day/night.

I labored throughout the day, unable to sit or lay down. So, no rest at all! I had to be standing, swaying, or walking. I took a shower. Not really for relief but so that I would be relatively clean and shampooed after the birth. I even shaved my legs! DW pushed on my back later in the afternoon. She filled up the birth tub and put the cover over it to keep the heat in. My doula called at 2pm and asked if she should come over. I felt the contractions were manageable but I wanted some help with pushing on my back, so she came over. Once she got there my contractions pretty much stopped. She suggested we go for a walk on the beach (one block from our house) where DW and I walked for over an hour. Here I am in labor, on the beach. It was heaven and such a great memory!

The doula stayed at our place and napped. We ran into a neighbor of ours on the beach, a cool surfer dude who was shocked when we said I was in labor. Yes, actually right NOW! ;)  We chatted for awhile. If I was walking, I wasn’t contracting much, but as soon as I stood still, they came.

Once we got back to the house, DW started dinner. It was about 5pm now. The doula decided to go home and have dinner with her family and put her kids to bed. We were to call when things picked up more. I ate a few bites of curry chicken and brown rice and then things REALLY picked up. I stood and pushed on my back as much as I could. I leaned over a chair so DW could push. I swayed and rocked back and forth, but all I wanted was someone to push HARD on my back.

Part Three- Active Labor

I decided to take a shower. I leaned forward and pushed into the back of the shower wall while the hot water ran down my back. It felt a little better, but nowhere close to “good”. I was starting to get really pissed off. The Hypnobabies tracks weren’t helping anymore and I just wanted to sit or lay down. Besides the contractions being painful, my feet also hurt from standing since 4am!  I started bargaining with myself. I really wanted relief and more support. I started thinking about pain relief and an epidural. I knew I didn’t really want that, but I wanted the pain to end. I didn’t even really want my doula. I wanted my midwife. I felt most comfort and support from her and really wanted her to come check my dilation. I just wanted to know that something was happening in there. It was 11pm and I called my midwife’s emergency line. She groggily answered the phone. She calmed me down and we talked about how it was going, in between my pauses to groan and breath heavy. She knew I wanted a hands-off birth with no dilation checks, so she was surprised by my call. She asked what we would do with the information we gained from her checking me. We decided if she came and checked me and I was at 3cm then we’d transfer to the hospital for pain relief so I could rest. If I was at 5cm then I could get in the birth tub for relief. If I was at 7cm then we would throw a party because I was almost done! So she started making the 30 minute drive over.

Once the midwife arrived, she laughed at me because she could see how pissed off I was. We have a great relationship so it didn’t upset me. She said later that she got a kick out of it because I was never anything but nice, sweet, happy and smiling. When she got there I was mad as hell and didn’t try to hide it. We went to the bedroom and brought out the doppler and listened to the baby's heart rate for a moment. I was nice to hear and remember why I was doing this. Since I refused to sit down, she had me squat on the floor, leaning up against the bed. That was not easy but she said she’d be fast. While she was checking me she decided to massage my cervix some to see if she could stretch it a bit. That hurt! I wasn’t happy she did that when I wasn’t expecting it but it did help to stretch me a little. She gave me the “bad” news that I was only dilated 3-4 cm. It had been 22 hours since my first contraction. I was not happy about this news. She told me to get in the tub and we would talk about our options. She told DW to call the doula immediately and tell her to “get her ass over here!” My midwife had to push on my back every 2-3 minutes and she would rather the doula do it. The midwife then took about an hour trying to convince me to let her do 45 minutes of cervical massage to help me dilate. The whole time I was convinced I was just going to go to the hospital for pain relief. All my midwife had to do was mention that being only 3 cm after 22 hours in labor and 23 hours since my water broke was just begging for a c-section! That convinced me to let her do the cervical massage. My doula had gotten there and took over the back pressure. We slowly walked to the bedroom and I sat on a birth stool that the midwife brought. As soon as I got out of the tub, I started shaking uncontrollably. They wrapped me in a warm towel and I was surprised that the stool was comfortable when I couldn’t sit on anything else. The doula wrapped a long scarf around my hips and under my belly in order to pull it so my hips were pushed together during each contraction. That helped so much! My midwife sat on the floor in front of me and started the massage. She did it only between contractions so it became non-stop pain for me. I called them “real contractions” and “Deborah contractions”. There was an hour of non-stop pain. No breaks or rests. I was spent! She said that she thought she could get my cervix complete in an hour. Turns out she only got me to dilate to 6cm. After almost an hour her hand completely cramped up and she couldn’t move it at all. Time to stop. We moved back to the birth tub.

I could only lay on my hands and knees in the tub. I couldn’t even “sit” in the tub and float upright because of the back pain. The doula kept almost constant pressure on my back. The contractions were coming one on top of each other. I realize now that this was transition. I moaned loudly, deep and low. I remembered to keep my face and hands relaxed. I started chanting “Down, down, down. Baby come down, down, down.” I was in my head the entire time, trying to plan an escape, trying to find a way out of the pain. I felt trapped and locked into the pain. I felt like I was clawing my way out of my body. There was nothing I could do to escape, so I planned. I calculated how long it would take to get to the car, drive to the hospital, check in, call the doc for the epidural, etc. I kept saying to myself, “After the next one I’ll get up and we’ll go”. “Ok, after the next one”. And on and on. It made me feel like I was doing something to get away from the pain. I wasn’t, obviously, but at least I had a plan. Just after the next contraction. Just get through this one and then we'll leave.

The midwife kept trying to get me to eat dark chocolate and drink coconut water. I planned on miso soup and wonderful foods while laboring. I didn’t want any of it.

Looking back, I realized that DW was no where I could see and wasn’t with me since the MW got me into the tub the first time. It turns out that she made DW go lay down in the living room. She was exhausted and there wasn’t really anything she could do to help. I wanted the doula or midwife pushing on my back because they were stronger and less tired. DW was laying in the living room the whole time praying and saying the rosary, just trying to pray my pain away. She hated hearing me moan and groan and occasionally scream. She wanted it all to be over. And soon.

During this time the midwife asked DW her opinion on me going to the hospital. She said, “No. She can do it. She might not think she can, but she’s stronger than she thinks. She can do this. Please help her do this.” The midwife told DW that she thought I still had a few hours of pushing left to go, so be prepared. That scared DW.

Part Four- Pushing

It was now about 4:25am. I started lightly grunting during contractions. I told my doula that I felt pressure in my bottom. I knew what this meant and it made me happy. But I was also worried that I wasn’t fully dilated. But my body started pushing on its own and I couldn’t stop it. I heard my doula call out to the midwife, who was in another room, and asked if she was hearing this. The midwife took DW out to her car to get the rest of her equipment and bring it to the kitchen. All of a sudden I just HAD to get out of the water and be upright. I had planned all along to birth in the water, but I had to get out. It took a few contractions of bending over so the doula could push on my back, but I finally made it the 6 feet to the bed. The pushing continued. The doula suggested hands and knees. I tried it for one contraction. Hated it. She then suggested side-lying. As I was switching positions, I pooped on the bed. DW cleaned it up quickly and still talks today about how cute that was! Ha! I screamed on my side while DW held my leg up. That did NOT work for me. It felt like my pelvis was splitting in two! I quickly got up and sat on the birth stool. Finally somewhere I could push and sit comfortably!

My midwife came in the room and checked me quickly. She was very surprised that she couldn’t even get her fingers inside me up to the first knuckle. The baby’s head was right there! She immediately called the other midwife and said “The baby is coming NOW, get over here!” She told me to reach down and try to touch the baby’s head. I couldn’t. I was in a trance. I could feel everything; the stretching, the pressure, the PAIN, my stomach muscles contracting to push the baby out, but I couldn’t move. The midwife had to quickly set up her equipment so she had DW rub olive oil around the baby’s head and my perineum. I was swaying back and forth while the doula pushed on my back and squeezed my hips with her legs. I leaned into DW while she stood in front of me. I moaned and moaned. I stared up at DW and pleaded with her to help me. But there was nothing more she could do.

The midwife then called DW to the kitchen to help her with something since the other midwife wasn’t there yet.  I then felt my baby’s head coming out. I yelled that I needed help, but my midwife thought I just meant that I was in pain. She didn’t realize that they baby was coming out NOW and I felt like I was ripping apart. I called DW over to feel the baby's head. She was amazed and I could see the excitement in her face. She lit up! Feeling her head with my hands felt so surreal. It was the first moment I realized that this baby was her own being and not part of me anymore. It was only right then that I realized I had done it, was doing it, and I was REALLY going to have a homebirth! No transfer!

Part Five- Birth and after

I felt like I was ripping in two. I felt her crowning and the stretching was unbearable! I was terrified of tearing so I held back, slowed it down. I wanted perineum support from my midwife but I couldn't talk. Then my midwife saw DW grab her Flip video camera and started recording in front of me. She raced to the room, gloved up and told DW to “move over please...MOVE… MOVE!!!!!” She then reached out her hands and caught our baby, while DW recorded it. After her head was out the rest of her slipped out easily. The midwife then handed my baby up to me. I held her and just kept repeating, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” The pain in my back stopped instantly and I felt such relief! Our baby girl was just fine. She started crying immediately and was looking around, completely shocked. DW kissed her on the head and whispered something privately to her in Spanish. I will never know what she said. It'll always be between the two of them. Here we are at about 2 minutes old, 27 hours after the first contraction.

Time escaped me but apparently it was only 20 minutes from the first grunting in the tub to holding my baby! I went from 3 cm dilated to holding my baby in 4 hours! She was born at 4:49am on November 2^nd, 2010. Day of the Dead! Dia de los Muertos! And on her due date, based on the ultrasound.

First family photo.

Her head had a strange shape to it. The pointy cone was off to the side, so the midwife deducted that her chin was turned to the side and that caused the long labor and possibly caused the back labor. We sat there for a bit, waiting for the placenta to come out. One quick contraction later it slid out. It was perfect and heart-shaped. My doula ecapsulated it and made a tincture out of it. I love the fact that I'll be able to use it as medicine until menopause. I had planned on using a little bit of it in a smoothie right after birth but forgot about that at the time.

We all slid back onto the bed and relaxed. The second midwife finally showed up and was really sad and sorry she missed the birth. I was bleeding rather heavily so they gave me a dose of Methergine. We laid and cuddled in bed for about 1.5 hours, while everyone else cleaned up the room. Then it was time to cut the baby’s cord. The second midwife climbed onto the bed and DW cut her cord right there.

Then the doula and second midwife took the placenta and made really nice placenta prints with it. The midwife then said it was time to head to the bathroom to pee. I said I felt a little weak so I had some honey water and some scrambled eggs that the doula made first. They walked me to the bathroom and I sat down on the toilet. I tried and tried to pee. Then I told the second midwife that I was seeing spots and then I said “See ya later!” And I passed out. Both of the midwives rushed to me and kept me on the toilet and held me up until the second midwife did a pressure point revival and I woke up. They then transferred me to the floor where I stayed with the first midwife for about a half an hour. While I was lying on the bathroom floor, the second midwife and DW weighed and measured DD. I was sad to have missed it. She weighed 7lbs, 2oz., 20.5 inches long.

They said I passed out because of not being able to urinate. DW and the doula were holding the baby the whole time. I then crawled slowly back to the bed. I got more food in me and felt much better. But then they had to catheterize me to get the urine out. That was fine and quick and I felt much better afterward. The first midwife checked me out and found I had two tiny tears that didn't require any stitching. I was so glad! We then were all three in bed and relaxing. Everyone finished cleaning up and left us to sleep. That was about 8am and then we all woke up at noon as a family of three.

Here is Sophia Elizabeth, at one day old

Part Six- Post partum

I had some serious postpartum issues. I was not bonding with DD at all. I felt like I didn’t know her (which was true), didn’t love her (not true, but I didn’t feel it), and I didn’t want her around me at all. It was all very sad. I couldn’t stop crying and freaking out. The depression was starting to move towards psychosis but I didn’t want drugs at all. Honestly, the only thing keeping me from hurting DD was that there was still a part of me that was sane enough to realize that I would be in big trouble and I would ruin my life and go to prison. It wasn't because of DD or what it would do to her. It was only about what it would do to me and DW's life. I didn't want to hurt DW like that. I still feel guilty for even thinking this way. I realize I was not in my right mind, but it still hurts to remember those horrible feelings and thoughts.  I was open to DW and my mom and midwife about what I was feeling and the horrible thoughts I was having. My midwife came over every day for the first week to help and do some therapy. We talked and I cried a lot. The placenta pills weren’t helping much. DW kept a close eye on me. She took the baby to the other room anytime she cried so I wouldn't freak out. She never left us alone together. She had to wait until I was completely ok first.

We figured out after the first week that part of my issue was that I didn’t get my “Pause” after she was born. In most indigenous cultures, the baby is born onto the ground and then the mother leans back and takes a breath and then looks at her baby for a minute and then touches her baby and THEN she picks the baby up when she’s ready. My midwife calls it the natural Pause that mothers (especially first time mothers) need. They should pick up the baby when they are ready to become mothers and they willingly choose to do it. My midwife immediately placed the baby in my arms. She cried when she realized that she made this mistake. She said she was caught up in the moment and it’s the natural response and reflex of someone catching a baby. I had a huge revelation when she told me about the Pause that I missed out on. I really needed it. I needed to choose to pick that baby up and take on the role of being her mother. So we decided to re-inact the birth. She brought the birth stool back over to our house. I got naked again and we acted it all out again, pushing and all. This time when DD “came out”,  the midwife held her, she “checked her out” and whispered nice things to her and I did what I should have done in the beginning: I took my Pause. I took my time. I chose to get her from my midwife. I reached out my hands and picked her up because I wanted her. I decided to become her mother in that moment. I said goodbye to the old me and took on my new role. I decided to be a Mother. I decided to be her mother. I told her that I was going to do the best for her that I possibly could and I decided that I would get to know her and love her. It was the best decision I ever made!

Here is our Dia de los Muertos baby, now at 3 months old, holding the skull I made for her as her birth day present.

Edited by Monarchgrrl - 3/4/11 at 3:53pm

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

That's such a beautiful story, and reliving the birth actually helped me too. Well, sorta. I was supposed to have a water birth, but wound up needing a c-section due to a brow presentation. It was hard, but I dealt. At one month I got into the water for the first time with my DD, and it was one of the most magical moments of my life. It was actually better than holding her for the first time. There was something so healing and right about "doing it" as I had planned, even if a month later.

Congrats on your gorgeous little girl!

[EchoSoul]

How interesting! I had no idea about the "Pause". But I am SO glad you were able to heal yourself! :)

[autumnfairy76]

Originally Posted by EchoSoul 

How interesting! I had no idea about the "Pause". But I am SO glad you were able to heal yourself! :)

Amazing story! And such a gorgeous little girl! I love that last photo of her. Congratulations on your home birth and sweet little girl! Thanks for sharing your story!