What do you say...?

[La Sombra]

...when your kids ask why you got a divorce?

Let me back up. Xh and I split up when dd was 2 and a bit. She'll be four in a couple of months. She does have memories of us being together yet she also seems pretty rooted in the reality that we are not. My ex was not abusive; he was/is an alcoholic but I actually had an affair (and am now married to that man)...in other words, the story of our relationship and its undoing is a long and complex one.

Dd asked me today why I don't love her daddy anymore. She asked me really casually and quickly lost interest in the subject, but it was a reminder for me that as she gets older, we are going to have to talk about this and I want to be able to explain it to her in a way that is helpful, makes sense and is age-appropriate.

She asked why I don't love her daddy anymore and I felt torn. Do I say that I *do* love him still but that sometimes even people who love each other shouldn't be together (which--is that even true? I guess I do still love him in a very abstract way, because he is the father to my dd and we had some good times and I will always cherish them--but isn't that a MORE confusing message to dd rather than reassuring?) Or do I explain why I don't love him anymore? And if so, HOW?

To recap: how do you explain your divorce to your kids AND how would answer the specific question WHY DON'T YOU LOVE DADDY ANYMORE?

TIA!

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

When my DD asked me this, she was about the same age.  I explained it this way:  There are lots of different kinds of love.  I love you, but I won't marry you.  You love your friend N, but you probably won't marry him either - you're just friends.  You love Nana, but that's because she's your Nana.  See?  Lots of love.

I love your Daddy, too, because he helped make you.  Without Daddy, there would be no YOU!  So even though we don't love each other enough to live in the same house, we love each other enough to want you to have a good life.  And for us, that means living apart.

Now, of course, this was a big load of crap, since her dad had terminated his parental rights when she was 2, and my now STBX adopted her.  BUT she didn't need to know that.  SHE needed to know that I loved her Dad.  In 16 years, I have never disparaged her dad in any way.  

[Phoenix~Mama]

I really like that FiveLittleMonkeys.

But I don't know if could tell my DD and DS that I love their Dad in any kind of way without vomitting in my mouth a little... :X

Maybe by time they are old enough to ask, I can do that... maybe...  I care for his well being because of him being their Dad... but that's about as far as it goes.  I can't care more due to the nature of the abuse he put me through.  *shrugs*

Obviously it isn't age appropriate to tell a young child about abuse... but do you ever tell your kids?  Like when they are grown? 

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

My dd's dad sent her this long, rambling Facebook message not too long ago that we are dealing with right now.  In it is a lot of "revisionist history" about life when we were married, and DD and I have had to have some pretty difficult discussions.  I really never wanted to have these discussions, and I've tried to keep it more toward, "He wasn't mature enough, he is in a better place now," kinds of explanations, but she is seeing him for what he really is.  I know (because she has told me) that she appreciates me keeping the bad stuff from her.  No kid wants their parent to be bad mouthed.  And I still won't bad mouth him, but instead am letting her make the call on what kind of contact she wants.

Interestingly enough, in this message, he was extremely disparaging towards me, and she said, "Mom, it's like he thinks if he says mean things about you, I'll want to get to know him or something.  In fact, it makes me want to never talk to him ever."  

As for the abusive things he did to me, unless she point blank asks me, I won't tell her.  That is something I don't think she needs to know.  I've worked through them, and I don't wish to burden her with that knowledge.

And yeah, saying I loved her dad was hard.  But once I was past the initial loathing, I found that I did love him for giving me my daughter.  That was the ONLY reason, and it's hard to explain.  And maybe it's not exactly love, but more of a thankfulness.  But if you never get to that point, that's okay.  

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by FiveLittleMonkeys 

she said, "Mom, it's like he thinks if he says mean things about you, I'll want to get to know him or something.  In fact, it makes me want to never talk to him ever."    

Wow. Your kid is smart. And she gives me hope. I will have A LOT of explaining to do when my DD gets old enough to ask about her father and her many half-brothers...