I am struggling with how to communicate with day care staff

[straighthaircurly]

I generally think of myself as a good communicator. I communicate well and have great relationships with my family, my coworkers, my customers. I communicate pretty successfully with my son's teachers as well.

There are 2 situations where I feel my communication must be falling short or something. The first was years ago when DS was in toddler age daycare. They kept calling us in for meetings about his behavior...I gave all the info and insight that I could but it wasn't enough. We eventually pulled him out and I stayed home with him. We discovered that he had sensory processing issues and sought OT. I was disappointed in the day care because I felt they should have been giving us some suggestions for what might be going on,  but we had to get to the root of the problems on our own.

Adjustment to school had its bumps but communication with teachers and school staff went smoothly and DS has adjusted nicely. I have gone back to work part time which requires DS to be in an after school care program 2 days/week. Both he and I are having problems communicating with the lead teacher. She seems very "boot camp drill instructor" to me. Last year's lead seemed very fun loving and slid life lessons into play scenarios. This instructor seems to thrive on strict order and very organized lessons. DS is not responding well to her program.

Recent example, today they had to run laps in the gym before they played a game with balls. The instructor wants the kids to practice following multiple step directions. So she gives the directions for the 4 types of laps they had to run and had the kids repeat it back (so far, great idea...even though I think the whole lap running thing is rather "boot campish"). DS has working memory issues that we are starting to work on at home. He repeated back the instructions but when he was running the laps he apparently ran an extra lap (he still insists he didn't). So the teacher told him he had to sit out the game (I don't get the logic of this punishment especially since there was no mention of a punishment or consequence when she gave the directions). He argued because he felt that he had been wrongly accused and that the whole thing was unfair. He got written up in a behavior report which upset him even more. I could tell from her description of events that she basically cornered him in a power struggle (his classroom teachers have all learned how counterproductive that is with him and I have communicated to the day care teacher ways to avoid such scenarios with him without giving up discipline). But she continues to plow ahead and aggravate him instead of calming things down so he can process the scenario without getting overly emotional (which causes him to completely shut down or lash out).

She asked for input and so I sent an email tonight (still waiting to hear her thoughts) but we have been here before and not much changes in her approach. I am trying to be respectful and methodical in my responses but I am finding it harder and harder. Thanks for listening to me vent (DH is out of the country so I don't have my normal sounding board). DS and I had a very productive conversation about this tonight and he had some great insights (like it would help him if they asked him on each lap to repeat what he has to do next and that they notify him of any consequences ahead of time as that might help him prioritize remembering the lap order). But I am just not sure she is hearing his ideas (or mine for that matter).

[Ellien C]

Does he have an IEP? I don't have any personal experience with this - but they usually include types of accomodations. I'm also confused as to the age. Your son is school-aged and in aftercare? Or is he in pre-school/day care? I guess it doesn't make that much difference, but I'd expect full-time teachers/providers to have a lot more education and training than aftercare. Have you discussed this in terms of disability? How it's kind of hidden and it LOOKS like he can do something (repeat the laps) but his "disability" prevents that? There is also a special needs forum that might be helpful. My nephew has autism and my now 7 yo had very mild sensory defensiveness. We took her to OT when she was 5 and it helped a lot. So I know a little bit, but I think it's more in the dangerous field than the helpful field. I didn't want to read and not post.

[LynnS6]

My 2 cents:

If he has an IEP, then I would see if the afterschool program can work to make sure that the care is consistent with his needs. After school care can be real hit or miss in terms of quality and training of the staff. They don't have to be licensed teachers and they don't necessarily have to provide accommodations. I agree that parents on the special needs board might be better equipped to share how they've dealt with similar situations.

I also think it's time to go to the "top" -- who's in charge of the program? EVERYONE who works for them needs to understand your son's areas of difficulty so that they don't see his non-compliance as willful disobedience. Someone has to be the lead teacher's boss -- if you don't get satisfaction from the  lead teacher, keep going up.

Finally, do you have any alternatives for care those two days? It could be that a large group afterschool setting is just too chaotic for your kid right now. (I'm kind of negative overall about after school programs because the quality is so variable. Our school has a great one 2x a week, the local park/rec has a decent one for daily care, but that's about it.)

[phathui5]

"He repeated back the instructions but when he was running the laps he apparently ran an extra lap (he still insists he didn't). So the teacher told him he had to sit out the game (I don't get the logic of this punishment especially since there was no mention of a punishment or consequence when she gave the directions). He argued because he felt that he had been wrongly accused and that the whole thing was unfair"

This sounds nuts to me. I would have to agree with him that the whole thing is unfair. Why would someone punish a child for not running laps the way she told them to?