I'm having second thoughts about our kids being present

[havsulen]

Oh, I really don't know what to do about letting my daughters be present at our home birth or not. I really wanted to up until now, and they do, too! But I am  having doubts because I am getting so much input about how that could interfere with the birth energy and my ability to concentrate. Even Ina May Gaskin does not really recommend it in her guide to childbirth!

My daughters are 3 and 6 years old. DD1 was present during the birth of dd2, which was a home birth. All went well and I was happy to have her there, but at her usual bed time she was tired and really wanted to sleep, so she was not awake during the most intense last couple of hours. We all went to sleep in our family bed afterwards and the sisters met for the first time the next morning and it was magical!

But this time, the 6 year old is determined not to miss the actual birth! I have seen lots of birth videos on You Tube where kids are present, and I always thought that would be wonderful. I would love for them to feel involved and for birth to be a family event. I would love for them to be able to meet their new sibling early on. And since they are both girls, I would love for them to experience birth as "another day of our lives" - a normal, peaceful event! To prepare, we have watched home birth videos on Youtube, read childrens books about birth like "Our Water Baby" and "Hello Baby", and answered any questions they have come up with. They are also meeting our midwife before birth (the same who was present during our last birth, so our oldest already knows her)

My biggest concern now is that my 3 year old is in a phase of often saying "daddy go away, I want my mummy", which our oldest had a period of, too - it passed. Up until now I have felt confident that the atmosphere of birth would make her allow my husband to help her, and maybe she would, but for the last couple of days I have been down with the flu - and she has been more dependant on me than ever! She wants me to help her with everything. And that scares me - because if that would happen during the birth I would be interrupted too much. Last time I was very involved with dd1 during the birth - we made a birth drink together, ate food, played and I even nursed her to sleep. But that was in easly labour (up until the last couple of hours).

So what to do?

Allow only the oldest?

I don't really want to separate them for the birth, and let only the oldest one be present. They are so close and spend so much time together and I really think the youngest would feel left out is she was not allowed to be present. An alternative is to have them both at my mothers house, but it seems sad for the oldest not to experience the birth because the youngest might not ready to be present.

Have a special person present for the kids?

Last time, a friend of mine came over to be dd1s helper during birth, but I am hesitant about inviting another person this time. Mostly because I don't have any friends/family here who are confident enough to handle being present at a home birth. (the ones I have have kids they can't leave for longer periods) But also because I feel that the youngest might refuse the help anyway. I am not close enough with my mother to feel comfortable with her being here with the kids.

And why am I bothering myself with all this worst case scenario thinking? Maybe it would all work out well? I guess it is the not knowing for sure that bothers me. This home birth means a lot to me, I really want it and I prepare for it in so many ways, I just don't want this to be a problem during it all! *getting teary eyed just thinking about it) Where is my trust that all will go well for all of us?

Oh, and thank you so much for reading all of this!

[GoBecGo]

Arrange a possible carer (someone they could go to if necessary, who would take them to do something fun) and see how you feel in labour.

I was going to have DD1, i felt pretty strongly that i wanted her to witness a normal birth.  In early labour i realised i couldn't focus whatsoever on the ctx with her even in the HOUSE let alone the room.  I knew i had to get the energy changed.  I talked with her, she was happy to go have an extra dada night at XP's.  He brought her home the following evening to meet her new sister.

Next time we'll do the same, arrange for a possible carer, and then see how i feel at the time.  I personally found that to get DD2 out i couldn't also be being "mama" to DD1.  YMMV, so keep an open mind :)

[Koalamom]

I am all for going with the flow and let the kids be around to see that birth isn't something to hide. Especially for girls.
But it does come down to if you are comfortable as you are the birther and it is your day. I do get new movies, snacks and treats during the birth if I need to get them away for a minute but I am ok with kids seeing it all. I wouldn't have had a back up sitter as I didn't wants anyone else around even my mother. So if the kids did need someone, I would have dh step out.

My mother had many kids and I wasn't present for any of them and it always made me sad. She treat it as a medical illness, and not as a most wonderful empowering time in a womans life.

I say give it trust and love and if you think your kids are able to deal with it, then, don't think about what cold go wrong with them. I would consider ages 3 and 6 totally fine ages to handle birth and if you did say you needed space.

[Tumble Bumbles]

Edited.

Edited by Tumble Bumbles - 4/10/11 at 1:39pm

[Banana731]

dd1 was 3.5 when dd2 was born. She was in and out during my labor. She stayed the entire time I was pushing(1.5 hrs or so) and saw the birth of her sister. She acted differently towards me while I was in labor. We did prepare her with lots of videos so she understood the sounds and such she might hear, but she seemed to instictively know that this was serious buisness that needed respect. Mind you, under normal circumstances my daughter is loud and pretty, well for lack of a better word, obnoxious. But she was none of these things during my laboring. She actually rubbed my shoulders and quietly told me I was doing a good job while I was pushing. She did have her own support person (my mom) and I think that is important, but both girls will be home and allowed to take part as much as they see fit for this homebirth as well.

[MegBoz]

Oh that is so tough! I'm struggling too - although I'm very fortunate that my sister is willing to come be DS' (2.5) support person & I'm perfectly comfortable having her in the house while I birth. If DS also really needs his Daddy, I'll be fine with just my MW & her asst (actually, I preferred solitude anyway for his labor & expect to want the same.)
Also, I was SO SICK the beginning of this pregnancy that DS had a LOT of time with just Daddy & not Mommy at all. He was fine with it. Is there any way you can encourage more alone-time with Daddy to hopefully get her used to having him around instead of you?

I only have 1 DC so far, but my gut reaction says to not allow only the oldest. That could lead to some feelings of resentment that might linger. (Ha, maybe that comes from my perspective as the youngest of 3! I don't want to be left out of something big sis' was allowed to be part of.)

If I start laboring in the day & DS is at daycare, I might actually just leave him there. & thankfully my DCP is a good friend & happy to keep him overnight, so it's an option for my sister to take him there if I want him out of the house. I'm doing the "play it by ear" thing too. I don't have my heart set on having him here - so if he misses it (whether because he's sleeping, we left him at daycare, or we TOOK him to DCP's house), I won't be upset. If he's here & bothering me, I'm open to having my sister take him away, and if he's here & fine with it, then that will be great, but I'm not expecting that outcome, nor do I have my heart set on it.

[lyterae]

 This. DD is 5 and very excited about her new sibling being born, we've talked about birth, we've watched births.. I just simply think that it will be too distracting for ME if she is there. This is our first homebirth and a VBAC, I anticipate that there will be some difficult times for me throughout the labor emotionally. If we decide to keep her there for the labor we have a support person that will come over to be with her.
 

Originally Posted by Tumble Bumbles 

I am struggling with this as well. I don't have any qualms about my daughter 'seeing' anything or witnessing my birth (I don't believe the OP does either). I think for me, the issue is her needing me in a way I can't provide in those moments and my focus (and dh's) being divided between meeting my immediate needs in labor and my daughter's. I can see where that may disrupt the energy flow and it is something that somewhat concerns me.  

[Meganlove]

I am not sure what I am going to do either. Mostly because I have a sister that want to be at our birth and I don't want her there. She was at dd home birth and was a huge distraction. I just couldn't deal with her but can't tell her :S. So If my kids are fine or sleeping I am just going to let them stay but if I can't handle it then I will have to give in and tell my family I am in labor and to come get them. UGH! 

[go_blue]

I was dealing with the same concern, but finally decided that my DD (3 yo) would spend the day (hopefully just hours :) at grandma's house until a few hours after new baby is born.  I was considering to have a doula at home with the midwives and my husband would be primary caretaker for my DD, but I really preferred husband to be at my side.  After I had a consultation with a doula who told me her experience during her homebirth with child present, I decided that it would be best for DD to be out of the house.  I had this romantic image of DD and husband and new baby and me cuddling right after birth, but the truth is that new baby will need my undivided attention for a period of time, and I am doubtful that DD would let us be.  I started floating the idea of having her spend time with grandma at her house while baby is being born, and DD was all over it and already planning their day.  So it made decision easier for me.  I am unwilling to have my MIL at the birth, and I am not having second-thoughts about my decision for DD to be with grandma because I think it will be best all around.

[havsulen]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies!

My issue is not the "standard" do-I-want-my-kids-being-present? I do, deep down! I would love for them to be as present as they choose (playing when they want to going back and forth). This is the decision that we made before the birth of dd2 and it still feels right for us.

So my concerns stem from the fact that my 3 year old at the moment seems to need me immensely. It might be because pregnancy makes me more distant from her - nursing has decreased and I have had some periods of nausea and sickness that might have made her feel that she needs more attention from me to be sure that I am there for her. She loves being with my husband, too - he has a lot of alone-time-with her, because I work from home and he often spend time with her during the day and he often starts his work later at night. But sometimes - if she hurts herself or something, mama is preferred.

I would be more than happy to have my husband be the main support person for the kids during labor. What I have needed in thapast has be to go inside myself and just ... birth! ;) 

But now, dd2 has moments when daddy just is not allowed to help her, she will scream for me. That is what I am afraid of during labour - I am sure I can help her with whatever during  most of it, but still.

I have read so many stories of kids being like this and then - for some magical reason - catching on to the magic of birth and just going with the flow. (like you described Banana731 - thank you!), but this is something that I just can't be SURE of, you know?

I'll definately provide lots of snacks and special treats and some new films for them. 

Having a sitter on call if we might need it is possible (my mother could come pick them up), but then I don't know what to do since I am not keen on separating the sisters, and it seems unfair that the oldest one might have to leave just because the youngest one needs to.)

Sorry for talking out loud - I know there are no easy answers to this - and I will have to find out for myself. I am leaning towards trusting them to be ok here with us - after all, most days we share are just wonderful and dd2 acting up is such a small possibility.

I guess I just want everybody to have a wonderful experience, you know! I'd hate for something to "go wrong" because I hadn't thought it through.

[averlee]

I have similar concerns and what I've decided will be best for my family, is to have my daughter present, and hire a doula. We don't have a friend or family member who could help and my daughter (almost 4) does not do well with babysitters. Hopefully a doula could fill in the gaps of the things I normally do, help support my husband so he's available to help me, and accompany us to the hospital in case of transfer and help us get through any emergency situation together.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

You know, my 17 month old was in a similar stage when she was around the house, coming and going and just sort of living while I gave birth to her brother. She would stop and watch and then flit off with Dada again and it wasnt so big a deal to her. She was very interested in the part where the baby came out...but didn't watch after that for more than a few minutes before she was off again.

But to answer your question....somehow, when I was laboring and birthing, I must have been throwing off a really intense "I'm busy" energy, because she didn't get clingy for me for even ONE instant. Not one single time did she try to come to me, talk to me, hug me or whine for me. She was very respectful of my space intuitively. Now, my son is a different kid and I don't know if I could see him being much but distraught, when he was 17 months old, at watching me give birth. But who knows. All I know is, there was something about me being in that space that sent off a very strong, not in any way scary to her (she was totally relaxed), but completely crystal clear message to my DD....and she gave me a ton of space.

[havsulen]

Originally Posted by averlee 

I have similar concerns and what I've decided will be best for my family, is to have my daughter present, and hire a doula. 

I would love to hire a doula, but I am the only birth doula one around in my area!

Thanks for your story AverysMomma! I am planning on sending off that kind of energy, too! ;)
 

[labortrials]

If I were a primip or had already had a successful HBAC, I'd have my 6 yr-old daughter here for the birth.  I assume everything will go just fine, but if an emergency arises, it would not be in our best interest or hers for her to be there experiencing it.  I think homebirth is such a gift for our daughters to experience as little girls.  I am very sad that mine will never experience that in the flesh until, hopefully, they are planning their own (or attending someone else's).

GL with your decision.  Maybe you can just go with the flow and have someone "on call" in case you need one or both girls out of your birthing space.

[kimcares]

My sister just had a home birth where her 7 year old son was also determined to be there. She had decided to let him stay in the home during, until a few weeks before. This was mainly due to how she thought he would react to her possible screaming and inevitable swearing. I ended up having him over for a sleep over at my house that is minutes from hers and brought him back as soon as he woke up in the morning. Everyone was happy with the choice they made.

You just have to think about how you think your children will react to seeing or even hearing you like that, and of course about the fact that having them there may complicate or take your attention off of the birth process. Whatever decision you make you will know that it is the best one for you!

[firewoman]

I had children present during the actual BIRTH part of my homebirths.  My oldest daughter was in the room for a lot of the labor during my last labor but she was 12 at the time and hopped in the tub to catch the baby.  It would have affected my ability to open up if all of my children had been present during my labors because I'm so sensitive to sound.  Once the baby is almost out, inviting them in should not cause a problem with progression.  I would suggest having a care provider there for them.

[lunarlady]

I had my DD (3) at my birth. I didn't want my mom there, but MIL was perfect. DD loves her to prices, but she isn't afraid to drag my willful child away kicking and screaming if necessary. I will say that she was pulled out in full "no! Mommy! Mooooommmmmmmyyyyy!" mode during my labor. She wanted to touch, rub, hug and comfort me but I was in terrible back labor and didn't want touches of any kind. But I knew MIL could handle it, so it was only momentary disruption. She brought her back when baby was crowning and she got to see her sister born. She was estatic! My hands down favorite memory of my birth is my DD gleeful greeting of her new sibling. We spent about 10 minutes bonding as a family group, then DH took her away to bake a "birthday cake".

Shortly after, I started having a severe PPH. We called 911 and the ambulance and firemen came to transport me to hospital. Both baby and DD were left with MIL so DH could follow the ambulance to the hospital. MIL did a nice job being very calm, and DD was keen on seeing the firebrick pull up, then helping dress baby for the trip to the hospital (after I was stabilized). I know emergency transfers are frequently mentioned as one reason not to have kids at your birth, but it actually made things better for me. I had a ready to go trusted kid care in place, so my baby was never a patient at hospital. If I had sent DD away with MIL, either DH would have been doing newborn care, (and me alone) or the MW assistant whom I met twice would have cared for my newborn in her first hour of life. Alternately I would of had to have baby admitted to hospital and then had to deal with policies I don't like such as baby must go to the nursery when mom showers. Instead, my toddler child says she cared for her sister, and my MIL whom I adore got unexpected time to bond with her new grandchild. my baby was a "visitor" during my three day hospital stay, and never left my side.

Obviously the key to my situation was a caregiver for my child I trusted implicitly. If I didn't have family, I think I would give childcare to DH and hire a doula for myself. If that wasn't a choice, maybe a trusted friend or midwives assistant could support me.

Good luck!