BEING happy

[umami_mommy]

my DH is a fairly negative and unhappy person most of the time. when we talked a week ago it really became clear to me he hasn't a clue about how to *BE* happy. he has no idea what one needs to cultivate in one's life. he keep focusing over and over on other people and situations outside himself. 

i told him if people can find meaning and purpose in their lives in a concentration camp, he surely could in his life. (see "man's search for meaning" if you don't know what i am referencing)

when i spoke about gratitude, helping others, creation, accepting and loving oneself, he poo-pooed me. 

i am interested in other's take on this. do you have suggestions, websites, books, other bits of wisdom? when i say something he ignores me, when he reads it or sees it online it's totally different. 

TIA. 

[2xy]

Does he ever seem blue or depressed to you? There is a type of chronic, low-level depression called dysthymia. Just wanted to throw that out there in case it's not been considered. People with dysthymia often have been "down" for so long that it feels normal to them and they don't recognize it as negative.

[umami_mommy]

he knows he's miserable. he hates it and doesn't know how to change. it's something he's never learned how to do. (negativity and general unhappiness run in his family) learning to choose to be happy is a skill some people need to learn.

[laohaire]

Somebody did a "gratitude" experiment. Made a list of things he (she?) was grateful for. Maybe he aimed to do a certain number (10 things, for example) every day, or maybe just spent some time each evening thinking about what to add to the list.

He found himself thinking throughout the day what he was grateful for, just naturally, planning for the list in the evening. Maybe jogging past Central Park and thinking "wow, the air feels so good to breathe." Or noticing that someone held the elevator for him. Stuff like that. Little stuff.

The process of noticing the stuff really made an impact on him, and eventually he wasn't doing it just for the list. He was noticing on an everyday basis what he was grateful for, and it really changed his perceptions on the magic and beauty of everyday life.

But of course that could only be helpful if your husband actually wanted to do it.

[Linda on the move]

The best book I know of on this is Ask and It is Given by Hicks. The first half of the book is very new agey, but the second half is an explanation of how our emotions work and how we can choose to move up the emotional scale.

number 1 on the scale is joy/knowledge/empowerment/freedom/love/appreciation.

number 22 is fear/grief/depression/despair/powerlessness.

In the book, it teaches to just move up one step at a time and get comfortable there before trying to move further up. number 9, for example, is pessimism. Pessimism is sooooo much lighter than 22, and it's usually pretty easy for me to get there.

The most powerful part of this book is the exercises in the back. There are a bunch of different exercises and some of them are rated as being better for certain places on the emotional scale than others. They are different ways to think about things, ideas for journaling, etc. Keeping a gratitude journal is one of the exercises. I really love this book and it total works for me.

There are several writers who talk about how we choose our thoughts and then our thoughts become our emotions. Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, and the chick who wrote The Secret come to mind.  All of cognitive behavior therapy is based on this truth as well. (though I find the new agey self help stuff more fun than CBT, it's really the same core truths)

[Hykue]

I'm with Linda on the Move in thinking that he needs something that will tell him about how our emotions are determined by our thoughts, and we can affect our thoughts.

I'm more influenced by the science-y type stuff, it works better for me.  So if you think he'd go for new-agey more, go with Linda's suggestions.  If you think he'd like a more science-based approach (written by an MD, like), then I would recommend Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy.  It's a cognitive therapy based approach, much like what Linda is describing but better if he would scoff or feel self-conscious about new-age things like affirmations.  My dad loves to make fun of new age stuff, and this book is working for him.  He might resist it a little, because there's a quiz near the start that rates your depression, and many people (guys especially) don't like to be labeled "depressed"  Anyway, it focuses a lot on how it's not the outside world that makes you feel negative or angry or ashamed, it's your own thoughts.  And it gives specific strategies for how to deal with those thoughts when they arise, and how to keep them from arising.  Pretty good, in my opinion.

Just to give you another option.  Hope you two can find something that works!

[seasiren]

There are so many options for depressed people. Personally I like acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine. That and like you said, helping others.Stepping outside of yourself to help someone else is very satisfying.  If he's more of a pill and therapy kinda guy there is a therapist in Marin  here in Nor Cal who wrote a book called "The Mood Cure". She works with Amino Acid therapy to correct mood disorders. Did you know that people can be low in tryptophan and it can run in families. Tryptophan is a precursor to serotonin. But as I said before Acupuncture is also wonderful and can reprogram the brain and relax you.

[Hykue]

Good point on the tryptophan as well - L-tyrosine helped my dad for a while, but it didn't really deal with either the underlying cause or the baggage he had built up.  So far so good on the cognitive therapy stuff for him, though.  I think for some people just that can do the trick (and it's so much cooler to take an amino acid than a drug, in my opinion.)

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by Hykue 

I'm wi  If you think he'd like a more science-based approach (written by an MD, like), then I would recommend Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy.  It's a cognitive therapy based approach, much like what Linda is describing but better if he would scoff or feel self-conscious about new-age things like affirmations.  My dad loves to make fun of new age stuff, and this book is working for him.  He might resist it a little, because there's a quiz near the start that rates your depression, and many people (guys especially) don't like to be labeled "depressed"  Anyway, it focuses a lot on how it's not the outside world that makes you feel negative or angry or ashamed, it's your own thoughts.  And it gives specific strategies for how to deal with those thoughts when they arise, and how to keep them from arising.  Pretty good, in my opinion.

Just to give you another option.  Hope you two can find something that works!

this sounds awesome! just perfect. he wants something that says: "do this when this happens." (he's very left brained." he does see a CBT twice a month, but T moves really really slowly for him. mostly because it's really hard for him to translate stuff to the real world. he's not very good at changing his way of doing anything. he's very rigid and intrenched. anything like supps, meds or accupuncture are off the table. so far none of that has helped him change his thoughts or behavior and so he isn't interested. and he needs a long term permanent solution. 
 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by umami_mommy 

this sounds awesome! just perfect. he wants something that says: "do this when this happens." (he's very left brained." he does see a CBT twice a month, but T moves really really slowly for him. mostly because it's really hard for him to translate stuff to the real world. he's not very good at changing his way of doing anything. he's very rigid and intrenched. anything like supps, meds or accupuncture are off the table. so far none of that has helped him change his thoughts or behavior and so he isn't interested. and he needs a long term permanent solution. 
 

But isn't applying the CB techniques to his real life what he works on in therapy? To me, the basic teachings of CBT are pretty simply and available in a variety of formats, including science type books and new age books, but the strength of going to a real life therapist is having a real life person talk to you about your actual life and which techniques are most helpful in which situations.

Old, very bad joke -- how many therapist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

[umami_mommy]

yeah, so what's your point? 

[seasiren]

Changing the mind is as simple as turning on a light. Just gotta find the switch.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Old, very bad joke -- how many therapist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

[mom2happy]

I just want you to know my DH is very much the same. He is a negative, glass half empty, black cloud guy. He knows it and just accepts it. He doesnt try to change even though life could be so much better for him. He is anxious a lot and gets mad fast. He is a very good guy, but suffers a l ot from his own misery and outlook on things.

He says he is a realist. I always get mad at that. He is a pessimist. A realist would know that seeing the bad side of things isnt accurate.

Anyway, I try to stay upbeat around him and sometimes just say "Cut the crap and look at the beautiful day!"

I cant make him change and I don't want to wear myself out trying.

I do know though, that he is definitely much better when I am in good spirits. The times when I get down, he is in bad shape.

Fortunately I am happy most of the time, so it helps balance him and keep things up for the kids.

I find that I have to give him regular pep talks on how good our life is and how thankful we should be. It's exhausting, but I have to help him with reality (since he is a realist)

[SeekingJoy]

Since your DH is already in therapy and receiving CBT support, what about a resource like The Happiness Project?

[umami_mommy]

awesome! we should start a wiki!! i love it. posting to my FB page now. thanks so much. 

[Koalamom]

Thanks for this thread!

[umami_mommy]

read this book this weekend. thought it was going to be some fluffy new age bullshit. instead it turned out to be a really good book. sometimes he rambles off into rantville. but for the most part a good, honest, down to earth insightful book. i hope if i can start practicing some of his "happiness tools" it will rub off on DH. 

i have started watching these ted talk videos too. 

[sweeetpea]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

I just want you to know my DH is very much the same. He is a negative, glass half empty, black cloud guy. He knows it and just accepts it. He doesnt try to change even though life could be so much better for him. He is anxious a lot and gets mad fast. He is a very good guy, but suffers a l ot from his own misery and outlook on things.

He says he is a realist. I always get mad at that. He is a pessimist. A realist would know that seeing the bad side of things isnt accurate.

That's my husband as well.  A L W A Y S negative, and believes the world is a bad place.  Always looking for a negative spin on anything.  It is soul-sucking to live with him.  And the sad part is that he is certain that he can't change, that the only emotion he can feel is anger and that things are always other peoples' fault.  He "doesn't have time" to read books (although he has time to watch TV/be on the computer into the wee hours of the morning; therapy is out of the question since all therapists are quacks and more screwed up than their patients (although he has told me that I should "get some help" when *I* get angry), and cannot imagine why dealing with his s**t over the years has beaten me down.  I obviously have a personal problem and need to get a better job and get out of the house more...

Sorry to hijack - I wish I has a good suggestion.

[umami_mommy]

sweatpea, i told my DH he needed to do something or i was gone. he claims he wants to change. however he does have a generalized anxiety disorder that also affects how he feels. we'll see what happens. i am not particularly optimistic about his desire to change, but i am wiling to support him and love him for a time as long as he is trying. i will not however spend the rest of my life with someone who does nothing to feel better.