BEING happy - Page 2

[asraidevin]

Find some videos and put them on while he's around, if he won't read. Or read the books and just keep quoting from them to him. I do it to my DH all the time (not to try to get him to change but because I want to share with him).

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by sweeetpea 

That's my husband as well.  A L W A Y S negative, and believes the world is a bad place.  Always looking for a negative spin on anything.  It is soul-sucking to live with him.  And the sad part is that he is certain that he can't change, that the only emotion he can feel is anger and that things are always other peoples' fault.  He "doesn't have time" to read books (although he has time to watch TV/be on the computer into the wee hours of the morning; therapy is out of the question since all therapists are quacks and more screwed up than their patients (although he has told me that I should "get some help" when *I* get angry), and cannot imagine why dealing with his s**t over the years has beaten me down.  I obviously have a personal problem and need to get a better job and get out of the house more...

Sorry to hijack - I wish I has a good suggestion.

My DH had/has the same attitude about therapists. I didn't give him a choice though. He went for about 6 months and was able to get some help with dealing with anxiety and anger.

He is MUCH better than he used to be. Part of it is that I won't tolerate misery and I am a happy person. His family life was miserable and we met young. Until he met me he was surrounded by negativity and anger. It's kind of like I adopted someone from another country. I can't relate to the darkness, he can't grasp why I can be light and fluffy.

He knows enough to know that my way is better for kids and a family, and does the best he can. It's a lot of work for me. I didnt sign up for having to teach my partner how to be okay, but I love him and I think we are meant to be.

I totally understand about the soul sucking part. I am getting so much better about not letting that happen. As the years go by I learn how to deal with it. I am responsible for my happiness. When I make sure to take care of myself, I am happy. He is usually pretty chill when I am in good spirits. If he's not- Oh wiggety well!

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by asraidevin 

Find some videos and put them on while he's around, if he won't read. Or read the books and just keep quoting from them to him. I do it to my DH all the time (not to try to get him to change but because I want to share with him).

Im so glad that I'm not the only one who quotes to my DH.

Isnt it funny how it actually works?

[umami_mommy]

unhappy people are drawn to happy people like moths to flames. but what happens when they can't learn something form the happy partner is they get angry. which is where i am with my DH. instead of being quiet, withdrawn, and shy now, he's angry, withdrawn and sullen. 

[*bejeweled*]

In the past, when my DH was in a sucky mood, I always tried to make him happier. Exhausting. I finally realized one day, "Everyone is responsible for their own happiness." Talk about freeing. If his life sucks, it's on him. I am a separate being.

“Woman with Flower”

by Naomi Long Madgett


I wouldn’t coax the plant if I were you,

Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.

Let the soil rest from so much digging

And wait until it’s dry before you water it.

The leaf’s inclined to find its own direction;

Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.



Much growth is stunted by too careful prodding,

Too eager tenderness.

The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.

[umami_mommy]

i cannot make my spouse happy. that's the whole point. he *wants* me to make him happy and i can't. my point is that he needs to take responsibility for making himself happy. and if he doesn't want to do that he's going to have to find someplace else to live, cause i can't cope with him the way he is. 

[sweeetpea]

Originally Posted by umami_mommy 

i cannot make my spouse happy. that's the whole point. he *wants* me to make him happy and i can't. my point is that he needs to take responsibility for making himself happy. and if he doesn't want to do that he's going to have to find someplace else to live, cause i can't cope with him the way he is. 

Umani - our spouses sound very similar!  A couple of days ago, during a conversation, which we rarely have anymore because they inevitably lead to fights, he stated "Well, maybe I'd be happier if you tried harder to help me be happy."  Um, nope - not gonna rise to that bait.  I've learned that no matter how hard I try, he's not going to be happy or have a positive outlook, and the blame is always on me or some other problem in his life.  How can he be happy when...  his mother is sick, his job sucks, the car needs work, his wife tunes him out, blah blah blah.  Obviously I've given up on most aspects of our relationship.

We are stuck in someone else's rut.  These guys cannot get themselves out of it, so it is our fault.

Mine has decided that his negativity has a cultural basis (which is does, in part), and that I just need to accept that and get over it.  I told him that I accept that he has certain cultural issues that cause him to behave certain ways, but that I DO NOT HAVE TO LIKE LIVING WITH IT.  That was a shock to him.  He wants me to forgive and forget, just because that's the way some other people in his heritage behave, but I won't do it.  Gee - holding him accountable for his behavior, and not taking responsibility for making it all better for him.  What a concept.

I desperately want to establish separate living arrangements (at this point I don't care whether we divorce or not - I just want to live in a space that is not so energy-draining and dark).  I am avidly searching for a new job that will pay a living wage in order to accomplish this.  

FWIW - the energy is so bad, last week my 6 year old said "you guys should just get a divorce" - something I am sure he has heard from his siblings, because I don't really think he knows what it means.  Not healthy for anyone.

[lightinmyhands]

there is a school of thought that super huge mega doses of Niacin can cure depression.  Google Dr. Abram Hoffer for more info.  He's a psychiatrist who uses mega dose vitamin therapy to treat patients.

[umami_mommy]

good info. my Dh won't take supps. and honestly, i'm not really interested in offering any to him. i want him to LEARN FOR HIMSELF what he needs to DO to make himself happy. if i drop dead tomorrow he needs to raise our children and he is such a miserable cur that they would hate him. 

on a good note, i noticed him staying up late reading the last two nights. and he's reading the "what happy people know" book. 

[*bejeweled*]

This post just made my night. It is the most empowering thing I have seen on MDC in a long time. You go girl.

Originally Posted by umami_mommy 

good info. my Dh won't take supps. and honestly, i'm not really interested in offering any to him. i want him to LEARN FOR HIMSELF what he needs to DO to make himself happy.

[umami_mommy]

i love your photo BJ. 

[beanma]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

He knows enough to know that my way is better for kids and a family, and does the best he can.

Umami, sweet pea, do your DH's know this also? If so you might play this up and see if you can get him to try to set an example for the kids. Sometimes we go around the dinner table and play a gratitude game. Sometimes we just "look for the good things" and we each have to name something good, or sometimes we reflect back on our day and do "best thing/worst thing" that happened to us that day. My DH sometimes has trouble going along with it, but he'll usually try even if it's just "coming home to see my girls" as his best thing.

For books, my sister, a psychologist, recommended "Learned Optimism" for our pessimistic/depressive/angry brother. It didn't really help him, but I don't know if he even read it. It's supposed to be a good book if he's open to reading.

Good luck!!

[Susie1]

unami -- If I were your hubby and I felt that my spouse was going to leave me if I didn't get happy pretty quickly -- I'd feel an awful lot of pressure. Sounds like it would be pressure added to an already difficult frame of mind to begin with. Would accepting your loved one unconditionally for awhile be an option-- like stop worrying about how he feels-- and just make sure you are doing what you need to do for yourself, your health and happiness? Sounds like you are taking on an awful lot of responsibility for how HE feels. Why not just try loving him for who he is in his moment and you looking at the positive stuff you love about him, and  focus on loving and taking care of yourself alongside that. Would that work at all?

[number572]

Sorry that I've not read the other replies.  There is a site called Positivity Blog and I love it, it keeps me in check and has great daily excercises.  here:

http://www.positivityblog.com/

I suffered from several years of feeling down, even tho I am a truly happy person.  Mine came from familial stress and past experiences.  Many people say that the only way out of those types of traumas is therapy via doctor, but I decided to retrain my brain since I have an enormous fear/disdain for the mainstream medical teachings .  I tried a few supposedly highly recommended non-mainstream therapists... but after the last one telling me that I just needed to go and buy myself some new underwear, I decided that I was probably my own best therapist!  

Have you ever watched the film "What The Bleep Do We Know?"??  It has some extraordinarily ridiculous and hokey parts, but the scientific information in that film may be easy for your dh to understand.  Its all about brain wiring and chemistry, and if he has been thriving on negative firing/chemistry in his brain for years, he needs to rewire his brain chemistry.  Don't get lost in the silliness of this film, focus on the chemistry info.  

I recommend that film(to watch and remember) as well as the Positivity Blog (daily help).  I wish you both great peace and happiness, and I wish him emotional freedom!  Its really tough to be stuck in an emotional/mental trap and not realize it or know how to free yourself, I feel for him.

Here's a youtube link to part one of the film I mentioned, follow the links the the remaining parts, but like I said, don't shut it off when it gets ridiculous, there are a few parts!  I think they do this to try to touch alllll types, just stay with it, it has a lot of good scientific info!!  Really!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-azcMJ5JS4&feature=related

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by Susie1 

unami -- If I were your hubby and I felt that my spouse was going to leave me if I didn't get happy pretty quickly -- I'd feel an awful lot of pressure. Sounds like it would be pressure added to an already difficult frame of mind to begin with. Would accepting your loved one unconditionally for awhile be an option-- like stop worrying about how he feels-- and just make sure you are doing what you need to do for yourself, your health and happiness? Sounds like you are taking on an awful lot of responsibility for how HE feels. Why not just try loving him for who he is in his moment and you looking at the positive stuff you love about him, and  focus on loving and taking care of yourself alongside that. Would that work at all?

susie, if he didn't have this uncontrollable rage that goes along with being so unhappy i would agree. but after 2 years of therapy for him i have to see *some* sort of change in his behavior. kwim? it's bad for his kids and before i finally gave him an ultimatum (2 weeks ago) they were telling me they didn't want to stay with him when i went out and crying to me about how mean he is. he keeps saying "i'm trying. i'm putting in all this effort to change. really." and nothing changes. so i told him i didn't care anymore how much "effort" he was putting in, i needed to see some change, because i was losing faith in his ability to make things better for our children's sake. 

and i am NOT saying he needs to be happy for me to stay with him. i am saying i need to see some ACTION on his part. dragging yourself to a T appt twice a month and nothing changes isn't enough when your relationships with your children are on the line. (to say nothing of our relationship)

[widemouthedfrog]

For the past month I've been sitting quietly and thinking about the life I would like to have - visualizing it happening.

I just need to do this for 5 minutes, but it really helps. Not thinking about how it ISN'T happening - that is what I did before. Now I imagine that it is happening, and I am happier.

[number572]

Yes.  There is scientific reasoning behind this.  Spending time envisioning a certain outcome promotes it's creation.  You can find more explanations on google or youtube, etc but yeah, putting energy toward something does force it into reality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by widemouthedfrog 

For the past month I've been sitting quietly and thinking about the life I would like to have - visualizing it happening.

I just need to do this for 5 minutes, but it really helps. Not thinking about how it ISN'T happening - that is what I did before. Now I imagine that it is happening, and I am happier.