I feel like I'm not a mom lately, just a referee.

[Biscuits & Gravy]

My sons are 2 and 4 (almost 5). Within the past few weeks something has switched with the 2 year old and the two of them are having a really hard time together. They fight constantly. I could really use some guidance and new parenting tools to help them, and help DH and I. I can't hover over them constantly, and I can't stop every minute to be the referee. We have been late for DS's preschool every day this week because the constant fighting is keeping me from getting things done. I would love for them to be able to learn to work together and work things out without me standing over them constantly. I realize that may not be age appropriate right now, but I'd like to at least start fostering the right skills and concepts that can be repeated and work over time.

Help?

[chaoticzenmom]

This stage is sooo hard.  When my oldest were 2 and 4, it was the most stressful time in all of my 11 years of parenting (I have 4 now).  What you have to do is keep them busy.  Snack time, reading time, separate room/quiete time, build something, go for a walk, etc.  Make sure they're not too sleepy or hungry.  Get them as far apart as possible in the car.  You also need to get some time away from them.  Once or twice a week, get some time to yourself. Take a class (that's when I went back to college to finish my degree), join a gym with a friend, go to the library, grocery shop alone...whatever you can do to get some time alone.  Get the older one to help with the younger one somehow (making art, learning letters or sign language, frosting cookies, teaching a skill, helping to assemble the younger child's baby book.  Also, try to spend some one on one time with the older one when possible.

I read siblings without rivalry, Raising your Spirited Child, How to talk so kids can listen.  I just looked for tools wherever I could.  It does get better.

Lisa

[reezley]

I have two boys, 4 and 6.  When they were 2 and 4 it was especially hard because I felt more responsible to protect ds2 since he was still smaller and more vulnerable than ds1. It's easier now to deal with them equally since they are more physically equal.  We are definitely a work in progress, but things I have been doing that I think are good are:

- read Siblings Without Rivarly.  I need to read it again.  Most of my mindset on this I got from that book.

- Don't solve their problems for them if you can help it.  Step in and say things like "Oh, I see one flashlight but there are two kids who want to use it....  Can you guys think of any ideas on how to solve this?"

- Hear both sides of what is happening. It helps them know you're there for both of them. The idea is to keep their arguments to the issue at hand and not add in "competition for Mommy".

- Keep in mind that the younger kid can be an instigator - not always the victim.

- I try to tell them to deal directly with each other if they are annoyed with the other. DS1 is constantly calling "Mommy- he pinched me!" or even just general over-dramatic yelps of pain.  I'm trying to teach him to replace that with talking directly to his brother like "Stop pinching me!  That hurts!"  etc.

- I try to deal with one kid's behavior kind of independent of the other kid. So I'll generalize "No pinching", and maybe remove him from the room if he continues.  But I steer clear of "You pinched ds1!!"  All in the spirit of not pitting them against each other any more than they already are...

[amj'smommy]

I having the same problems with my youngest 3 boys (almost 2, almost 4 and 6) I'm definately gonna check out those books!!