Please HELP! Serious issues with 10 year old daughter. I don't know how much more I can take! :( - Page 2

[journeymom]

I would let yourself off the hook for whatever went before. You did the best you could with what you have.

Lots of really wonderful advice here.  I agree with the above. 

My take on what several other posters have said, is that your dd is feeling pretty bad about herself, pretty insecure.  Even though all these changes you introduced are either 'good' or 'neutral' -a step father, new baby, new discipline, healthier foods-  still, her life has been turned upside down. 

So my guess is that she's pushing you as hard as she possibly can because she needs to know you still love her unconditionally, even when she's being horrible.  You need to get to a place where you can be emotionally stronger than her, so her outbursts don't cripple you, where you don't take it as personally. 

You cannot help your feelings for your daughter right now. For one thing you are hormonal too.  I don't know if you're nursing or not, but no doubt you've still got mama hormones floating around making you less patient with your older child. And you've got all kinds of thoughts about being a young mom affecting you.

It seems counter intuitive but I think you will speed this healing process along if you can be very accepting of these feelings. Just let them be.  Spend some time (ha! because you've got so much time!) meditating on this thing with your daughter, allowing your feelings, negative and positive, to come out.   Frankly this may allow you to compartmentalize them, so they don't get in the way every time you have a confrontation with your daughter. 

Hopefully you'll get to the point where you're not cringing anymore, and can have some genuine fun with her.

You have soooo much on you right now. Sometimes it seems unfair that you have to be the strongest person in the house. You're the one who has to bend herself into pretzel shapes in order to accommodate the new baby, and the husband and the needy daughter. What about poor you??   Remember that some of your stressors are temporary (baby is demanding and dependent but is going to grow). The work you do now is an investment into your relationship with your daughter when she's a teen and an adult.

[journeymom]

I just feel so terrible... how can a Mother not be completely in love with her child??? I look at the bond I have with my new baby and it's deeper than my bond with her. It makes me so sad! And don't get me wrong... I love her. When she's not being mean or having an attitude, she's a pleasure most of the time. I just want it to be like that more often. How do I incorporate gentle parenting with an older child when we didn't start it at the beginning? 

I felt similar about my oldest. For one thing I suspect no one parents the same way from the start.  All oldest children are guinea pigs.  We experiment on them and make mistakes.   But if you are like me you have some guilt wrapped up in this.  And how is it going to affect how you treat your dd when every time you look at her, subconsciously you're reminded of guilty feelings? 

I've had talk therapy, it was sooo helpful. I estimate that I talked about my experience with and feelings about my oldest, my daughter, at least 40% of the time. :-D  The rest of the time I talked about my mom. Oh, and maybe about my husband a bit, too.  Lol!

[kcparker]

My first thought is: HORMONES! Hers, but yours too.

My second thought is: transition with a new sibling.

My third thought is: even though you and she are going through a rough patch, try your best not to pull away from her emotionally, even if it feels like you are faking it. Try to imagine what is going on in her ten year old KID mind and how you would feel (even if you were being the bratty instigator) if your mom started pulling back from you. If you can't hug her, write her a note telling her something you appreciate about her and tuck it into her lunch box. Send her a card in the mail congratulating her on a good report card. Start having a weekly date that is something she picks out for the two of you to do together - get dinner out, see a movie, go play indoor mini-golf, get a manicure, go trail riding, paint pictures together...

This is how I would tackle this problem (based on my own growing up and family dynamics):

Call a family meeting, set an agenda and ground rules (respectful language, no accusations, just stating how you feel, no yelling, whatever seems appropriate), and let EVERYONE air their grievances without interruption. The bottom line is that the way things are right now isn't working for you or her, and maybe also not for your husband and the baby either. I like Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication method, and she's old enough to work with that. If you can both get a little more of your feelings and needs out on the table, then you can work on how to meet them. Maybe the meeting can result in having some house rules that she helps come up with. It sounds like part of her anger is about lack of control, so counter-intuitvely, if you relax your hold on being the only one who gets a say, maybe she will also relax with less to push back against and more of a feeling that she can say what she does and doesn't have to do. If you come up with a list of things that are important for functioning in the house: everyone needs to feel loved and respected, dishes need to get done every day, the living room needs to stay tidy, daughter needs to have alone time and family time and friend time, whatever comes up, then you can collaborate on how these goals can be accomplished. If she has a hand in making the rules, she is more likely to feel that they are fair and to stick to them (and to call you out if you are not sticking to them).

Re: "I almost always stay calm and respectful, often asking her to speak more softly when she yells or treat me nice when she tells me that she hates me. It doesn't work. She gets louder and meaner. "

Can you hear what she is asking for underneath the yelling? Sometimes my 3 1/2 year old gets himself all worked into a tizzy;if I just tell him, "I hear that you are really angry/disappointed/frustrated. Do you need a hug?" he will have a good cry but calm down. I think people yell when they don't feel heard, and maybe just mirroring back her language and acknowledging that you hear her anger or sadness will help diffuse it. Maybe tell her you can yell with her if that will make her feel better, "I am the meanest mother in the world!!!"...sometimes being totally goofy can shock somebody out of their anger.

I would also see if you can find a parenting support group. In our area, there is one that's run through one of the hospitals that is good.

Finally, be kind to yourself and to her. Changing from being an authoritarian to an authoritative parent takes time, and being a kid is hard and confusing, especially when puberty is coming on.