Where do I begin.....

[Ottbabies]

I had a tramautic hospital birth with my first and she was born with risk of mec aspiration because my labor stalled due to an epidural. I didn't see her until 20-30 minutes after she was born to be sure she was ok. My second was an unassisted homebirth with a NICU stay of 14 days. My labor was about 3 hours long, baby was born fast and 25 minutes after being born she stopped breathing. There are a lot more details to each story but in short each one left me extremely nervous to get pregnant again. I know I do not want to birth in a hospital because of the treatment (I was insulted, literally, for choosing natural birth then pressured in to an epidural non stop, nurse lead me to believe I was only 3 cm dilated after 18hours of labor and anesthesiologist told me I was 9 as soon as the epi was administered) but I am uneasy of birthing at home, even with a MW because I was told that what happened with my second could have just as likely happened in hospital. (1-3 per every 1000 birth)

I want more babies, I really do but how do I begin to reconcile what has happened in both my births and how can I decide what is the safest, best choice for me?

[ElizabethE]

Originally Posted by Ottbabies 

I had a tramautic hospital birth with my first and she was born with risk of mec aspiration because my labor stalled due to an epidural. I didn't see her until 20-30 minutes after she was born to be sure she was ok. My second was an unassisted homebirth with a NICU stay of 14 days. My labor was about 3 hours long, baby was born fast and 25 minutes after being born she stopped breathing. There are a lot more details to each story but in short each one left me extremely nervous to get pregnant again. I know I do not want to birth in a hospital because of the treatment (I was insulted, literally, for choosing natural birth then pressured in to an epidural non stop, nurse lead me to believe I was only 3 cm dilated after 18hours of labor and anesthesiologist told me I was 9 as soon as the epi was administered) but I am uneasy of birthing at home, even with a MW because I was told that what happened with my second could have just as likely happened in hospital. (1-3 per every 1000 birth)

I want more babies, I really do but how do I begin to reconcile what has happened in both my births and how can I decide what is the safest, best choice for me?

That was hard for me, too.

My first was also born in hospital with an epi, despite my original wishes to go natural. She also had some health issues which I feel resulted from the experience.

My second was a midwife attended home birth that turned into a hospital transfer. They were scared for the baby and I was scared for me. In the end, I came to learn that the hospital transfer was not ever necessary. This was done unmedicated, and while my son came out healthier in the end than my daughter had been, it left me with my own scars.

Before I had wanted a large family. After this, I couldn't imagine giving birth again. It was the scariest thought in the world. Birth as a whole was frightening and I wished it for no one, because the potential horrors were too great; I wanted no woman subjected to them.

I began to heal through learning. I started questioning everything. I started reading everything. I slowly began to realize that, scientifically and emotionally, everything that happened to me made absolute sense. Not that it was necessary, but that the cause and effect was all entirely predictable-- and avoidable. All the previous literature and traditional beliefs and thoughts I held didn't tell me what I had truly needed to know. For one thing, I had been taught to trust others over my own instincts and body, and this only led me to places of fear and pain and sadness. Nature was cruel, and I was naive, or so I had wrongly thought!

That was two years ago and I'm about to have my third baby. I actually welcome it and look forward to it, which is a total 180 from what had been the worst thing to ever happen to me. I needed to understand better why my body and my babies reacted the ways that they did in the situations we endured, despite all the best intentions of myself and everyone around us. There is so much to know that will help you heal and reconcile those emotions from your previous bad experiences you faced. It will help you figure out the answers to your questions, and what is right for you.

A place I would start to begin this "voyage of discovery" (really just a jumping-off point, as there is so much more to know!), so to speak, would be to read Childbirth Without Fear by Grantly Dick-Read. He explains the physiology, biology, and psychology of birth in a way that is not always discussed or even entertained when people talk about pregnancy and labor, and newborns... but his observations are invaluable, and they can help you gain new ground and perspective on your place in childbirth and perhaps why all your emotions are totally founded, and this will allow you to hopefully heal them and start anew.

You were totally right to feel how you felt (and still do). The pain you felt wasn't your fault, or anything you did or didn't do. The good news is that you never have to feel that way again, AND you can have more children. This is far more likely than not, despite what you've been through.

Good luck and health, mama, and I hope this helps you even a little to start that process within yourself. Never stop learning and asking!

[mommato5]

I can tell you that if you go with a DR, look into a perinatologist as well. Having the history you do, it may be best to try to find a new dr and try a different hospital! It's better to be on the safe side. I understand how nerve wracking it can be to do things differently, but we have to put our babies ahead of ourselves. A 14 day NICU stay is pretty rough. If you can handle things during the pregnancy with monitoring, you may be able to avoid problems again! Do they know what happened?? Was there an underlying condition, was it respiratory, etc??

With  FAST labor, you can gain 6 cm in no time!! My mom had a 45 minute birth from first contraction to baby! It happens, lol!