Am I just hormonal or is dh in the wrong?

[StephandOwen]

Of course, I'm asking this on a board with lots of other pregnant women so I'm sure the opinions will be somewhat jaded

Months ago dh and I were just playing around with baby names and came up with a list (about 5 per gender). DH really wants the middle name to be Neal if it's a boy (his middle name is Neal as is his dad's and blah blah). I don't particularly like the name (okay, I really don't like the name) but I agreed. It's a family thing, plus the middle name isn't really used much anyway so I can suck it up and deal with it. No biggie. If it's a girl dh really wants either the first or middle name to be Noelle. He really likes this as a female version of Neal (this baby will likely be our only so he really wants to honor his dad by using some version of that name). I don't mind the name Noelle, but it's not my favorite. However, I've agreed to use it as either a first or middle name (I'm hoping for middle).

Anyway, so last night we were talking about names again. I brought out the list we had come up with months ago and he pretty much knocked all of our boy names off the list except one, saying he doesn't like them. Okay, frustrating but whatever. So we started talking about more names and looking through online lists and stuff. Every single name I suggested he said no to. After about 2 hours of this (we were also watching tv so it wasn't constant!) I had suggested probably 25-30 names. He finally agreed to 1 of them being put on our list, but he doesn't even like that one. We now have 7 boy names, 6 of them dh wanted on the list and only 1 of them I put on the list. I'm not crazy about the names dh put on the list, but I agreed to putting them on the list to see if any of them grow on me. DH won't even do that with any of the ones I like. He won't even agree to put them on the stupid list! We have 9 girl names on our list now and only 1 of them was what I picked, dh has vetoed all the other names I like.

Finally I got frustrated and told dh I was done, I didn't want to even talk about names anymore. He spouted off some comment about "most of the names you're picking are long names. I hate long names". Ouch. Double whammy that not only does he hate all the names I'm picking, but he apparently hates my name too. I mentioned that to him, that I have a long name, and he said "and you've never noticed how I never call you by your full name". WTF?!? NOW you're going to tell me that you hate my name? Seriously?

I'm not asking him to love any of the names I like, but to simply give it a chance. Let a couple be on the list and see if any grow on you. But he seems to think that there's no compromise with naming a kid, that it has to be a name that he loves and that's it. The messed up part is this is pretty much the only thing dh has ever been like this on. Most other things he's more than willing to compromise on.

[summerbaby]

Maybe make a list yourself and have DH make one separately (would he do that?), then you can swap or maybe pin them up somewhere so you can both see them.  He probably doesn't realise how much names can really grow on you?  I was surprised by this in my first pg.  If you leave your list up somewhere then maybe he'll read it every now and then and you can get him by stealth?! 

[Gabesgrrrl]

Hi Mama,

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated about something really personal like names. I think horomones might be partly to blame for the frustration, though if it were to not change you'd probably feel similarly later as well. I might just choose to wait-DH could be feeling worried/stressed/out of control and not know how to verbalize it. I know I've been surprised in the past when my usually super-together, grounded intelligent communicator of a husband acts like (what I perceive as) a total jerk-only to learn later that he had one of those "can't identify or express" emotions that men think are "weak".

You have lots of time to come to a conclusion-and you'll probably think of new names in the next few months! My first son (with a different husband) was similar. He wanted my son's name to be the same as his and his fathers, (he's be a so-and-so the 3rd) but I wasn't having it. We argued and negotiated, until I took his name and spelled it back word, and voila! A new name was born! (I say that, but recently we just found a town in Ontario with the exact name!!! lol!)

Hugs and enjoy your journey!

Marcie

[Nicole730]

DDC crashing from new posts. 

Ha, that sounds just like my husband.  Choosing names is fun and frustrating.  DH either loves a name or hates it.  That's it.  There is no gray area.  We ended up compromising and he chose the only boys name he liked and I chose a girls name I've been in love with for years.  I didn't care for his choice and he "hated" my choice.  Baby turned out to be a girl and the name is growing on him now.  Although he claims I went against his wishes to name her and if it had been a boy I would never have agreed to his name - but I would have!! 

I say it is hormonal - but HIS hormones! :)

[Snugglebugmom]

Originally Posted by Gabesgrrrl 

 I took his name and spelled it back word, and voila! A new name was born! 

  Oy... I just did that with DH's middle name, which I hate, and came up with Noswad... yeah, that's likely not happening. 

Steph, I feel for you! My DH is the same, he nixes everything I come up with. And I have to admit, I am way less sweet and accommodating than you are, I have put a few of his suggestions on my list but by no means all of them. I hate the name game! It's a miracle DH and I have managed to name two kids without killing each other. 

I do think your DH is being a bit overbearing. It seems to me like your names are not getting the time of day, and he will only consider his own choices. I wish I knew how to solve it for you.  I like Summerbaby's suggestion about swapping lists to look over and see if any of the names grow on you. Maybe I should try that myself. 

[StephandOwen]

Thanks ladies. Definitely gives me something to think about.

Originally Posted by summerbaby 

Maybe make a list yourself and have DH make one separately (would he do that?), then you can swap or maybe pin them up somewhere so you can both see them.  He probably doesn't realise how much names can really grow on you?  I was surprised by this in my first pg.  If you leave your list up somewhere then maybe he'll read it every now and then and you can get him by stealth?! 

This might work! Maybe I'll make a list and tape it to his work computer. LOL! He'll be forced to at least glance at it every once in awhile

I wonder if part of the issue is with ds. I named ds alone (his bio-dad wanted nothing to do with it). Ex and his mom had decided on a name (Eli) and that was it. They thought they could force me to name ds that name, because it's what THEY wanted. When ds was born I told ex I wasn't naming him Eli. He didn't care, was only at the hospital for about 2 hours total (I was there for 3 days) and didn't have any input on ds's name. I named him what I wanted to with no other input from anyone. While I am thrilled that dh wants to help name this new baby, it does irk me that he veto's all the names I like. On the flip side, I wonder if dh doesn't want to name this baby alone since I got my chance to name ds whatever I wanted with nobody else to compromise with. Hmmm....

[Kindermama]

My suggestion would be to wait it out. In the meantime, agree to make separate running lists throughout the pregnancy and check in during the third trimester and keep only the names on both your lists! You'll be surprised how it will all come together!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Kindermama 

My suggestion would be to wait it out. In the meantime, agree to make separate running lists throughout the pregnancy and check in during the third trimester and keep only the names on both your lists! You'll be surprised how it will all come together!

I don't think there's any chance there will be the same name on both of our lists! I'll give you a peek.... I like the name Alexander (using Alex as the everyday name). DH likes the name Zion. See the difference? LOL!

[corrabelle]

I tend to like slightly unusual names, hubby likes the more traditional, common names. (especially for girls!) So we're going to have a hard time with this too. For girls, I love Charlotte, Evelyn(not only is it retro vintage, it's my grandmother's name!), Meline, Iona, Esmé, sophia, Wren ...you get the idea.

He likes Jen, Sarah, Amy, Stephanie (basically, out dated names from our own generation! not our baby's generation!!)

Anyway, yeah, it's a pickle. I figure though, we have a few months ahead of us to come to an agreement on something that we both like, so i'm not going to worry about it yet.

I have a little bit of pull though, because if it's a boy, he'll have My husband's dad's middle name-Irving. (hrrrmmm ) and if it's a girl, she'll have his mom's middle name, Mae.  (which I actually don't mind!)

Come on, how cute would Charlotte May be? or Evelyn Mae? Anyway, let the games begin. I feel for ya. Try not to get too too upset just yet. A Lot can happen between now and then!

Are you finding out if it's a boy or girl? I think we will. That will help considerably!

I like the idea of hanging names up as possibilities to think over, and get used to the idea...

[Lisa1970]

He has already picked the middle names and then expects to pick the first names too? I would tell him only way Neal/Noelle stay is if you get 100% choice on the first name and he smiles and pretends to like it. If not, then the entire name goes back to scratch and you can work on finding FULL NAMES you BOTH like.

HE is the only one being unreasonable here!!

[StrongFeather]

Originally Posted by corrabelle 

I tend to like slightly unusual names, hubby likes the more traditional, common names. (especially for girls!) So we're going to have a hard time with this too. For girls, I love Charlotte, Evelyn(not only is it retro vintage, it's my grandmother's name!), Meline, Iona, Esmé, sophia, Wren ...you get the idea.

He likes Jen, Sarah, Amy, Stephanie (basically, out dated names from our own generation! not our baby's generation!!)

Anyway, yeah, it's a pickle. I figure though, we have a few months ahead of us to come to an agreement on something that we both like, so i'm not going to worry about it yet.

I have a little bit of pull though, because if it's a boy, he'll have My husband's dad's middle name-Irving. (hrrrmmm ) and if it's a girl, she'll have his mom's middle name, Mae.  (which I actually don't mind!)

Come on, how cute would Charlotte May be? or Evelyn Mae? Anyway, let the games begin. I feel for ya. Try not to get too too upset just yet. A Lot can happen between now and then!

Are you finding out if it's a boy or girl? I think we will. That will help considerably!

I like the idea of hanging names up as possibilities to think over, and get used to the idea...

Mae is fun :) I am Ida Mae... its a nice middle name....just chiming in, haha

[dosergirl]

Mae is a great middle name, my daughter is Coraline Mae.

As for the names and the DH issue, this is totally normal. I remember going through this last time...like i remember saying "how about asher?" dh says "god no!" so it is off. 2 months later dh sends me an email saying "how about asher?" wtf? really? he said he didn't even remember saying god no. so, the point is, i find men to not be as invested in this as we are and something can definitely grow on them.

That being said, DH and I still do not like any of the same names for boys, thank goodness we had a girl the first time, I am hoping for another.

[corrabelle]

Originally Posted by dosergirl 

Mae is a great middle name, my daughter is Coraline Mae.

As for the names and the DH issue, this is totally normal. I remember going through this last time...like i remember saying "how about asher?" dh says "god no!" so it is off. 2 months later dh sends me an email saying "how about asher?" wtf? really? he said he didn't even remember saying god no. so, the point is, i find men to not be as invested in this as we are and something can definitely grow on them.

That being said, DH and I still do not like any of the same names for boys, thank goodness we had a girl the first time, I am hoping for another.

Wow, that's funny, we actually have Coraline on the list! I LOVE the sound of Coraline Mae. The only reason we're hesitating is because it might be confusing having two of us in the same family! I get Corra, Corrie, and Corrabelle, and i'm sure that if we had a coraline it might get shortened to corra or corrie...It would be fun, having a daughter named after me...but at the same time, might be kind of hard!

[corrabelle]

And asher! I just double read that. holy moly, we should compare name lists...Asher is one of our favorite boy names. Along with, Silas, Atticus, Levi, Micah...We don't have a hard time finding boy names we agree on. It's girl names that's going to get us all worked up.

[dosergirl]

I selfishly hope you don't go with Coraline, haha, cause I like that it's a rare name :) haha. realistically though it will get shortened to Cora.

You can take Asher though, lol.

[StephandOwen]

Well, dh got home from work and totally admitted he was in the wrong. Apparently he talked to one of our friends (and a co-worker) who has 7 kids. He's been told from the "man side" that he was totally in the wrong and he needs to work on his compromising skills. LOL! I told him that's good to hear him say, and that we are still putting the name issue behind us for awhile. Maybe later we'll talk about it again. Or else we'll be having a serious discussion come October. LOL!

As for whether we are finding out the gender.... I don't want to, he really does. I caved and agreed to finding out.

[Hannahkatiebell]

Steph: where you in ky? I'm in Louisville.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen 

Well, dh got home from work and totally admitted he was in the wrong. Apparently he talked to one of our friends (and a co-worker) who has 7 kids. He's been told from the "man side" that he was totally in the wrong and he needs to work on his compromising skills. LOL! I told him that's good to hear him say, and that we are still putting the name issue behind us for awhile. Maybe later we'll talk about it again. Or else we'll be having a serious discussion come October. LOL!

As for whether we are finding out the gender.... I don't want to, he really does. I caved and agreed to finding out.

Ok, first, as your single parenting buddy, I had NO CLUE you were preggo!!!  CONGRATS!!!!

Second, if you don't want to know the gender, don't compromise on it.  I freaking LOVED being the one to find out what gender ds was - my ex wanted to find out, and I'm glad I didn't compromise on that.

As for names, hoo boy we fought and fought and fought.  It was so bad.  We agreed on a girl name early (umm....but we both knew it was a boy somehow even though he was a "surprise" and we didn't officially find out), and then one night, in bed, I was 37.5 or 38 weeks pregnant, and my ex said, "what about Lincoln?"  and we never looked back, and we both just absolutely adore the name.  It will come together.  Don't fight too hard though :)

[MOMYS]

What has worked for us in the past has been to each make a list of names we like.  You add and delete on your own list until about 3 months before the baby is due.  Then cut your own list to about 12 girls and 12 boys names.  Now swop lists so you have his and he has yours, take off three names from each gender that you really don't like.  Do it again, and again (we wait a day or two in between).  Now there will be 3 boys names and 3 girls names left on each of the lists.    Take one more name off each gender.   Now, write down the 4 boys' name and the 4 girls names' (2 from each gender from each list) with the middle names that you have agreed on and your surname and tape those to the fridge/computer/whatever.   After a couple of weeks, we have always managed to agree on a name from those names, without any arguing.

[auntbeabea]

Steph- Good to hear about his wise co-worker! How great! I will say it seems there's a theme though...if you really don't want to find out the gender and feel like you caved maybe sit with yourself a while and reinforce that this is your pregnancy too and your opinions are valid. Sounds like it might be caused by some insecurity or something on his part. Maybe getting him to talk about how he's really feeling could help? I usually patiently ask a lot of 'why?' questions when this sort of stuff happens with my DH. To try and get him to talk. A lot of his feelings he just ignores and then it all backs up on him. But after working on this for a while, we're getting better at communicating and working through our own issues as well as our couple-y issues (like communicating!!).

You are not just hormonal, he's being unreasonable. Being in a long-term relationship and parenting require some give and take. And you both give a little and take a little. Just make sure you're not doing all the giving. You need support!