nanny problem

[scotia]

Well, we finally hired a nanny for DS while I work at home.  She's here two days a week, and it's been almost six weeks now since she started.  She's wonderful - responsible, patient, super sweet with the little guy.  I'm really happy to have her.

But.  DS doesn't seem to agree.  He's fine when she first gets here in the morning, by by around 1:00 or so, he is just so unhappy.  When we're on our own, he's happy, bubbly, and rarely cries for more than a few minutes at a time.  But for some reason, every afternoon that she is here, he just is inconsolable.  Well, no - he is inconsolable until I come downstairs and take him.  I don't know what to do. She tries everything.  She happiest-babys him, she takes him for walks, sings to him, bounces him.  Nothing works.  

I feel terrible.  I know she's trying so hard, and she feels really bad that she can't comfort him.  Also, oh my gosh, I really need this to work out.  We had a tough time finding someone that we liked and were comfortable with, and I really don't want to lose her because of this.

Any advice?  Did any of your little ones have trouble adjusting to a different caretaker?  He is almost four months old.  

Thanks so much. 

[Lisa1970]

Is he treating her poorly? Has he had consequences for his behavior? How old is he? Is he just tired at that time?

My little one..as in my 1 yr old, does not like to be left too long. So, if yours is little, it might just be the amount of time. Maybe he just needs a break in the middle or something? But if he is older, like a 4 or 5 yr old, and does not take naps anymore and is being mean to her (which it does not sound like this is the case) then I would give consequences. 

Would it be possible to have her 4 half days rather than 2 full days? At least until he gets more used to things?

[scotia]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

Is he treating her poorly? Has he had consequences for his behavior? How old is he? Is he just tired at that time?

My little one..as in my 1 yr old, does not like to be left too long. So, if yours is little, it might just be the amount of time. Maybe he just needs a break in the middle or something? But if he is older, like a 4 or 5 yr old, and does not take naps anymore and is being mean to her (which it does not sound like this is the case) then I would give consequences. 

Would it be possible to have her 4 half days rather than 2 full days? At least until he gets more used to things?

Thanks for your response.  He's not quite four months old, so no, no consequences for him yet.   I'm still EBF, so I do see him quite a bit throughout the day, as he is still nursing every two and a half hours or so.  (Plus, it's a small house, so we all cross paths quite a bit anyway.)  I thought he might just be tired, as he does sometimes get fussy in the afternoons, but it's nothing like how he is with her.  Plus, once I come and take him, he's usually fine.  He does nap throughout the day as well, so I don't think being overly tired would explain it, unfortunately.  

Four half days might help solve it, but I'm not sure it would work with her schedule.  
 

[philomom]

Is he a smell baby? Maybe you could get the nanny to use your soap and deodorant for now.

[t2009]

You mentioned you work at home... Have you tried leaving the house? Or at least saying a firm good-bye? At least worth an experiment... Can you do work at a library or coffee shop to try it? My son has never been great while I'm home, wasn't even at an early age. It also may be that your nanny hasn't had the "opportunity" to fully figure out how to comfort him if you're always available as a back-up, KWIM? As long as he's fed & she's with him trying to figure out what he needs, it may just take a few uncomfortable afternoons alone for him to let her comfort him. It was painful, but we had to do something similar when my DH was going to be home with our son while I had to be away a few days a week when DS was about your LO's age. Definitely NOT cry it out (!) but DH just had to be totally alone with DS for him to figure out how to REALLY comfort him. I know not all would agree with that approach, but it's what made it possible for me to be out of the house with another loving caregiver early on.

Good luck!

[One_Girl]

Maybe you could just plan to come down for a half hour or so to nurse and hold him around that time every day.  This will give her and you a break from work.  If you can have her bring a bottle and leave the house in the afternoon that may also be a good idea, if you can go to a coffee shop and get work done there that would probably be better until they have a routine down.  I have heard that babies can smell their mothers from 50 feet away when they are breastfeeding so even if he doesn't see you he still knows you are there and when he is tired he probably really wants you and only you.  6 weeks of part time care is really not that much.  I think you need to give it a while longer before you know if it is going to be a workable situation.

[LittleGriff]

My mom took care of my son for 2 years. Then we had a nanny for him and #2 for 1.5 years (until last month). My husband and I could never work at home when either of them was with the kids. If they knew we were there, it was a disaster. (although it sounds like the morning is fine for you ...?) As soon as we left, like magic, happy kids. I think it's really hard on kids to have a new caretaker while a parent is around, but then 2 weeks isn't really much of an adjustment period. I know it's hard now but it may get easier. Otherwise, you might want to think about working elsewhere if at all possible. Listening to your kiddo cry is a good way to go crazy! It may be easier for him to get used to the nanny if you are not around to come to the rescue.

Just a few thoughts.

[CarrieMF]

She's been there almost 6 weeks & is only there 2 days a week.   While almost 6 weeks seems like enough time to adjust, really he has been around her not even 12 days.

[scotia]

Thanks for the responses, everyone.  It's true that six weeks isn't really that long, so perhaps I'm worrying about this too much given the time frame.  I'm going to do my best to be patient, and try to take the advice to try and leave the house sometimes while she is here to give her a chance to work things out without me.

Thanks for all the input. 

[nextcommercial]

Well, maybe you should try to plan a break for yourself around 12:30, go downstairs and spend 1/2 hour with him.  Maybe she can take a break at that time and unwind too.  She might like to go outside and read a book for 30 minutes, then hand him over with confidence and say a sweet, but firm "Have fun!" and let her handle it.  

You know him better than anybody.  She only sees him twice a week, so she doesn't have that bond that you do.  They will though.  It just takes time.

Also, he might just be a little ahead of his time too.  Around five months, babies become more difficult to entertain.  They are more aware of their surroundings, and not as easily amused anymore.  They aren't content to sit and look at the vertical blinds or the ceiling fan.  Now they know who their favorite person is, and who does it "right".     It gets better when they are more mobile and they can do new things on their own, but right now, only you can do it for him.  So, he wants YOU to come and do whatever it is he thinks needs to be done.  

[habitat]

Hi Mama.

Two things that could be affecting DC's relationship with his sitter:

- You're sharing space with them, effectively making her the inferior care provider in the house. This leaves DC pining for you and not creating a new caretaker/baby relationship.

- They're probably going too long (many days) in between visits and have to almost relearn each other every time. That's tough to do.

As a full-time nanny on my second job with a nursing infant, I'd say that the best solution is for them to see each other as often as possible throughout the week and to ask her to wear him in a sling/carrier for walks in between nursing sessions. It seems like a lot (especially if baby seems unhappy with anyone but you), but if she can leave for the 2-3 hours at a time, they WILL get acquainted together outside of the home.This will also help her to learn his cues and learn how to respond on her own. She'll know to come home right away if he's hungry. He'll learn that she's responding by bringing him home to Mama when he's hungry. He'll also learn that his Sitter can provide a safe space. Your DC knows that you're home when they're home, and it's causing your DC stress to know that the most attached care provider in the space (mama) isn't comforting him. Knowing that you sometimes come downstairs to offer comfort but don't always is probably what's causing the upset, in my experience. But when your sitter is the most attached in an outside environment (IE - when they're out in the world alone together), DC's bond will increase and learn to see your sitter as a suitable source of comfort, even when they're eventually able to spend more time playing together in your home.

Is there a library near by? Shops? A park? Her house? If it's possible, I would ask her if she could just take some toys/diapers/supplies and essentially hang out elsewhere until it's time to nurse.

I live in the city, so I wear Baby around everywhere in between nursing sessions. Now Baby and I are very good friends, and I am able to comfort - Even when Mama's nearby, working from home (she's a freelance designer). In the beginning, I couldn't do that at all. At first, I insisted that I had to come over 5 days a week, so Baby and I could get comfy together ASAP, and now we do four days, sometimes with 3 days in between, with no real upset when I return. She and I have established a unique and comfortable relationship. 

Is there a way she can come over for a 30-60 minute walk for the next week or two with him on any other days while you do something else? Any small amount of time helps, but I think it should be as many days per week as possible, so that he's not going to long without her and then has to be reacquainted. The more often he sees her and spends time with her at first, the better it is for their bond. I can understand how he'd get frustrated if they're only acquainted on a 2x/week basis. If this isn't possible for her to come over more days, then it's all the more important that they leave the house together often. 

Hope that helps! You're welcome to PM me with any questions about nanny stuff.

[JudiAU]

Wow. That is a really tough position for your nanny to be in. Mom is nursing on demand, frequently seen but not available, and just seems like she is unavailable. After awhile, he gets fed up that you are hiding. I think many infants would react that way.

Have you considered breaking up your work schedule into "no see times" and perhaps pumping at least some of the time, so nanny and LO can have a feeding connection and you come out less often. i/e you come out for lunch and nursing second nape and stay for a longer period of time.

[scotia]

Thanks again for the responses.  Things have started to improve, and I think there are a couple of reasons for that.  First, the weather has been better, so she has been taking him out for walks in the carrier.  I've also been trying to be better about separating myself a bit and letting them work things out when he is fussy.  Coincidentally, I've started having to leave the house more often for work meetings, which I think has also helped him see her as more of a caretaker and less of a person who hangs out while mom is in the other room.  Plus, it's been another few weeks, so I think she's gotten better at reading his cues and responding to him, and he's gotten more attuned to her style of caring for him.

Anyway, huge sigh of relief that things seem to be improving.  Thanks again for all the ideas!