9 yr old with special needs and 6 yr old little brother

[Lisa1970]

My 9 yr old has autism spectrum disorder. His behavior is not what would be ok if he did not have special needs. He can get quite upset over things that most people would think little of and get worked up, even when he is the one who brought it on himself. Lately, his thing is to call me things "Mom is evil" "Mom is a barracuda" and then try to get 6 yr old little brother to walk off on me or not do what I have said. I have been very consistent though and the 6 yr old seems to be getting that he still has to do what he is told even if 9 yr old is revolting.

This brings a lot of issues. I don't feel I can explain autism to my 6 yr old. I feel that is my 9 yr olds business and should be his choice to divulge about himself when and if he wants to in the future. It is personal. But I also don't want my 6 yr old to think my 9 yr old is bad. There is just so much that goes along with this. My 9 yr old is advanced academically and prefers a clean room. My 6 yr old is having troubles learning to read (but doing just fine) where as my 9 yr old has been reading since he turned 3. Meanwhile, in the motorskills areas, my 9 yr old cannot tie his shoes or ride a bike, my 6 yr old can. My 9 yr old barely has friends. My 6 yr old has a fair number of friends. My 9 yr old is so hurt when my 6 yr old has friends over, but it would be wrong to just not let 6 yr old have friends over. The two of them get in to competing sometimes and that causes trouble.

Oh, the 9 yr old does get consequences for name calling and such. Right now, I had asked each boy to do certain cleaning. I gave them each a catagory of toy to pick up and put in toy box and then they could play computer. 9 yr old went off the deep end saying I was torturing him and the 6 yr old cleaned up his portion. The 9 yr old has tried to negotiate Yu Gi Oh cards, he wants a new set. The 6 yr old has already moved on to the Nintendo DS. The 9 yr old is in tears. 

Anyone deal with a situation where one child has special needs and the other does not and how to handle things? I seem to recall someone here grew up in this situation and had some good advice. I was hoping to get more advice on how to handle things and such. Thanks!!

[New_Natural_Mom]

I don't really agree that keeping the autism from the 6 yr old is a good idea.  It isn't the 9 yr old's personal story.  You are a family.  The 6 yr old is just as much part of the family as the 9 yr old.  I think you should be open with family and allow your 6 year old to know the truth.  It not only helps explain the behavior, but it also helps frame the way the 9 yr old and 6 yr old can interact.  My DH's family is big into keeping secrets, and it is very hurtful when everyone else knows about something but him.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

I don't feel I can explain autism to my 6 yr old. I feel that is my 9 yr olds business and should be his choice to divulge about himself when and if he wants to in the future. It is personal.

I totally disagree. My situation is similar to yours -- my kids are 19 months apart and the older one is on the spectrum. Life got MUCH easier when we started being very open about DD#1's dx.

How much of it your 6 year old can understand is a different issue, but being on the spectrum is just a fact -- like being tall or short. It's not a judgment. My DD knows her dx, her sister knows her dx, our extended family knows her dx, the teachers are her school, my friends, etc.

Since my DD is older (14) and has decent communication skills, we've been able to talk about how she feels about her dx and about people knowing. She likes people knowing because then she doesn't have to pretend to be different than she is. Being open and honest made life less stressful for her. She said she used to feel like she was trying to pass as normal when she really didn't feel normal at all.

For my DD keeping it a secret felt like it was a shameful thing that we expected her to hide.

[limabean]

I think the 6yo absolutely needs to know about his brother's diagnosis. It'll be much easier for him to understand why things are different if he knows the reason. 

[LynnS6]

I agree --  the 6 year old need to know about his brother's diagnosis. One, his brother's behavior is affecting HIM and two, if you don't talk about it he'll interpret it as something shameful/wrong with either him or his brother.

What kind of access to autism resources do you have? Some areas have "sib shops" where siblings of kids with autism can get together, have fun and talk through/work issues of being a sibling of someone with autism. They're often led by a social worker. Your 6 year old (and any other kids you have) could benefit from something like this.

[mamadebug]

We recently moved, and around the corner from us now are two brothers - 6 and 9 years old and the older brother has autism.  Their family has been completely open about it - and it helps all people involved.  I totally agree with not divulging personal information unnecessarily - but, at least in this child's case, it is simply clear that there is something very different about this child just being around him for a short period of time.  It's obvious to all - kids and adults - and so it isn't so much giving away personal info as it is acknowledging what is obvious and then giving everyone tools for better interaction.  The 6 year old understands, and explains to others when it's called for, that "my brother has autism in his brain and sometimes it makes him act the wrong way".  My son and I have read kids books about autism and talked about how this child's brain sometimes works differently than others - and that he isn't being mean (my DS's perception at first) when he does certain things and that he doesn't always interpret things the same way DS does.  I would say that by giving family, neighbors and friends the info these parents have and by being willing to be so open about it all, their son has gotten a much more compassionate response from all including kids, other parents, and his own little brother.