In July, we relocated from NJ to IL. It has been HARD on all of us. The relo comes on the heels of a full year that included adjusting to a newly adopted baby, losing a baby in the second trimester, losing my grandmother (my only mother, really) and her youngest daughter (the only other constant in my life), with lots of traveling to TX for a court trial on behalf of a former foster daughter and to IL looking for a place to live. In the 6mo before we moved, we moved into temp housing for 60 days, back home for 60 days, into my inlaws for a month and then into our current rental (which I found 2 weeks before moving when our house purchase fell through and all of our life's belongings were already on a 53' truck).
It's been a rough couple of years.
Ds7 is homeschooled. He had profound delays as an infant/toddler, had a spectrum dx that was lifted, but he's flagged for re-eval at 8yo for Asperger's. He also tested gifted (which comes with some emotional issues apparently--and that's the only reason I'm mentioning it). Dd2 is adopted and a vivacious little thing, but ds has had some "turf" issues with her since the move.
We moved in late July to a block with easily 13 kids that all play together--often unsupervised in one yard or another (so, very loosely supervised is a better term). But in the winter, they're not outside often and when they are--they're totally not supervised because the kids are sledding--not in one of their yards, but in the yard of a family that isn't usually home when they're sledding (which is fine with that family).
The family on the end of the block has an 11yo ds golden child (seriously), 8yo dd and a 5yo ds hellion. The 8yo dd has been bullied at school and can't really find her "place" among the neighborhood kids. Too boyish for the girls, to girly for the boys. She is a roller coaster of great, caring kid and MEAN, nasty kid bordering on bullying. The 5yo is just trouble at all times and every parent on the block has had dealings with him. Parents focus on the 11yo and mom pretty much throws her hands up in the air, apologizes and has no idea how to manage the 5yo. :/
Well, a few weeks ago, ds was involved in a full-blown bullying event with the 8yo & 5yo. And thinking back, the biggest conflicts that left my ds crying were when the two were together. The 8yo and the other girls on the block got my ds to hold hands and kiss one of them (ds tends to the girly side often, so he is sometimes the only boy among the girls), and he and the 5yo have had plenty of problems. Once, when dh tried to figure out what was going on, the 5yo got mildly aggressive with dh!
So a few weeks ago, they're playing this game where ds is the king (I knew something was "off" when ds was given a "power" role) and the 8yo & 5yo tackled ds, then held ds down while he yelled at them to get off and that he wanted to go home. I believe their 11yo brother made the 8yo get off of ds, but when ds tried to go home, the 8yo tried to grab him to keep him from doing it. She only let go because her mother came out and made her let him go (I found out that detail FROM the mother). At some point, the 8yo calls ds a baby--so she's obviously aware that he's not a willing participant in this "game".
My son came home and I'd never seen him so upset. I'm trying to make a long story short here, but that family's 11yo & his 11yo friend plus 8yo & 5yo claim it was a game that ds didn't understand. Because 11yo is a relatively honest, very good kid--of course, his word trumps. Ds and another kid on the block (also a very honest kid, but also 7yo) had no idea there was a game going on. So I call the mother and she believes it's a game misconstrued, but ds was a willing participant. I note that there have been escalating problems with these kids any time they're not within earshot of an adult and state that I really don't want to have to keep my kid inside over it. She notes that he won't learn to deal with it if I do that. I tell her point-blanke that I do not subscribe to that methodology when it comes to this kind of stuff with a 7yo; and given ds' history and his flag for Asperger's, it's possible he'll NEVER get it. >:( Afterthefact, I think to myself that maybe her kids need to learn to respect that not everyone appreciates their version of games and respect that "no means no".
I check with ds and the other 7yo and find out otherwise, and e-mail the mother to say 1) that's not what happened, and 2) that despite my initial reaction, I DO encourage ds to learn to deal with things through experiences without sheltering him, but really, I don't feel he should be in a position to have to physically defend himself against kids in the neighborhood at the age of 7.
She e-mails back apologetic and says that she is running out the door, but will talk to me about this because she doesn't want it to come between any of us. I reply that I assumed we were just misunderstanding and would like to work things out. I have not heard from her since.
Well, the 5yo continues to tackle ds whenever he sees him. Ds recently told him to knock it off, but they haven't seen each other since... The 8yo DID apologize to ds.
Thing is: we otherwise LOVE this block and we have the chance to buy a house here (we're renting now). It's directly across the street from this family. I'm not really sure what to do about it. And ds is not able to focus on having any kind of meaningful conversation about it and waffles between not wanting to live here and wanting to live here (but since the incident, mostly not wanting to live here). I have reservations about these parents ability to appropriately reprimand their kids because so far, they haven't been able to exert ANY level of control over the 5yo... at. all. One of the neighbors has a 5yo that COULD have been in K this year and she held him back (he was one day past the cutoff for age) specifically to keep hers and the 5yo we have trouble with out of the same classes.
To be honest, we've been looking for housing for a year and it's been very hard. We've had two house sales fall through. We have a block that we love and the other parents on the block are aware of the situation and watching out (since they also have issues with the 5yo). But I'm wondering if we should pass on this house despite FINALLY feeling like we've landed in a family vs. a neighborhood. I know that we would still be friends with these people, but it absolutely would not be the same kind of relationship as we have now when we can spend 5-10 minutes here and there in the front yard each day chatting without any effort involved, etc.
We DO have another housing option. We do not love the house and it's too small for us to be there long-term. It's on a busier street and the only other kids in the neighborhood are a 5yo & 3yo next door and we do like the family so far, but there really aren't any other kids other than the teenagers next door. But it's an option. I'd rather minimize the moving and this would mean moving again in a few years, but... As it is, I've told my husband that I don't care WHERE we live (here, the other option, wherever) if this kind of problem persists for our son, we're out of there. It may mean losing some money, but I'm not going to have my son live that life. I just don't know if this is something that can be managed.
What do I do? What should I be considering? What am I missing? Are you still awake? :/ HELP!
