Obnoxious MIL behavior, or is it the hormones?

[Banana731]

So, the back story, DH is pretty insistent that if new LO is a boy we will be naming him after his maternal grandfather, who passed away. He was a nice guy and all, and I think his name was nice too, but 1) He hated his name and never ever went by it, would probably be upset that we would force a kid to have it, and 2) It's just been a little too popular for the last several years for my naming tastes-so I struggle with it. I understand why he wants to do it, he loved and was very close to his grandfather, but I'm just not super in love with the name.

And we can't come together on a girl name we both love at all, and so I posted on a certain "social media site" where I mainly connect with close friends and family simply- "we are having serious name issues" to which friends replied and gave suggestions, or joked around about names like Bocephus (you know how these things are, right?)

A good friend of mine said that I could "have her favorite names for boys (Xavier and Oliver) because she is DONE having kids", and I said that "I like the name Oliver, but that DH had put his foot down and was insisting that we name a boy after his grandfather." The whole exchange was a little flippant, but we are close and humor between good friends is subtle at times and sometimes not apparent to outsiders. I get the hazards of social media and all! But then MIL jumps in and says, "His Grandfather was worthy of the honor." just like that. Now, I like MIL, she's fun to visit with for a few days (DH can't do more than 4 or so with her, without getting aggravated). She's fun to drink a few glasses of wine with, she has a good sense of humor. But she's pretty self centered (though she doesn't think that) and kind of insensitive (though she doesn't think that, either!) and so she has no idea what my feelings are on that name in reality, for all she knows, maybe I have family I'd like to name my kids after too...She has no info here other than that post, and it just rubs me the wrong way. And now, I'm even less thrilled about the naming!

Am I being nutty here, would this sort of thing make anyone else a little batty?

[Squrrl]

I don't think any of us can say without actually knowing your MIL, but honestly, to me, I'd just take it at face value.  It doesn't sound like you actually disagree, even.  Lots of people are probably worthy of the honor--shoot, my daughter is named after my husband's grandmother who passed away while we were pregnant.  She was definitely worthy, despite us being radically different people.  But I think you could say that without meaning to imply that to do otherwise would be disrespectful.  My MIL could have said that without me feeling like she was putting on the screws.  I can't judge, of course, whether your MIL would.

I guess I should add that if I hadn't really liked the name, I wouldn't have used it--luckily, no one was being obnoxious about it to me.  Even so, though, I sort of pined for my original choice for a long time, and would still use it if we had a second daughter.

[Banana731]

Originally Posted by Squrrl 

...It doesn't sound like you actually disagree, even.  Lots of people are probably worthy of the honor--shoot, my daughter is named after my husband's grandmother who passed away while we were pregnant.  She was definitely worthy, despite us being radically different people.  But I think you could say that without meaning to imply that to do otherwise would be disrespectful...

Good point, Squrrl. Check one in the column for Banana being hormonal...

[Lyss]

It would grate on my nerves, as she should have been a big girl and just let it go, but I would take a deep breath and walk away from it.  Irritating.  It's your and DH's baby.  Grandmas can get really invested in names, but they had their chances already.  ;)

[mylilmonkeys]

It does sound sort of snotty, written like that, but as one who personally has a tendency to be a little too succinct online and sometimes misunderstood, I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Definitely a sensitive issue, and we've been struggling with naming after a recently deceased FIL, too.  My MIL, on the other hand, is great about keeping her opinions to herself, but I don't want to disappoint her either, if we end up with a boy and use his name as a middle instead of first.  

[philomom]

Chalk it up to a little of both.

My mil didn't like my son's name. Even though he's named after a dead relative just like her Jewish traditions tell her to do. She told me she didn't care for it but didn't push. And my son is that name.. he really is. It suits him beautifully.

My bigger issue OP, is that your dh is insisting on using a name you don't love. You didn't tell us what it is, so we can't judge but if you don't love it.. you will harbor resentment over this. Not a great way to welcome your child into the world.

[wildnewmamma]

It's funny to me how people like to interject there ideas of names for YOUR baby.  It can be hard enough to come to an agreement on a name between the parents, but throw in others opinions (and sentiment) then it's just torture!  I would think that if your DH was really that attached to his grandfather, and thus knew that he didn't like the name, then he wouldn't want to use it (or would use it as a middle name).  I can understand that his grandfather would be "worthy of the honor"...but what is it about a boy that makes that honor have to lie on the fathers side??  Does this mean that your family doesn't deserve the honor?  Or rather than choosing sides, how about a neutral name that you both love.  Social networking can be pretty difficult, wording can be taken wrong, and having the opportunity to "dig" like that would definately annoy me.  I really doubt that you would ever say that your DH's grandfather was not worthy of the honor, so by her implying that, it would hurt me too...and especially with preggo hormones ;)  I would think a conversation expressing yourself might be in order.  Good luck, I hope you can come to an agreement as a couple.

[1bighappyfam]

I don't think it is easy to tell HOW she meant it. She could be misreading you and vice versa.

I too agree that you and dh need to be in agreement.

[pearl2]

Honestly, I'd severely limit/restrict/block her ability to read your posts and whatnot. I just email mine pictures; I do not like mixing family and social media sites. It depends on your comfort level with them though. 

[Neuromancer]

I would be annoyed, but I think I would have returned a public comment like, "I agree!  He was totally worthy of that honor. But it's still such a tough decision" and then let it go.  The issue is between you and your husband.  I don't think it was a bad idea to mention online that you were struggling, but when you're connected with family members online it's usually best to keep it as light as possible.  Save the heavy stuff for in-person conversations. 

[Banana731]

That would have been a good one, Neuro!