Lost yet another friend due to extended nursing :(

[hipmummy]

I am presently tandem nursing my 4.5 year old and 17 month old. Ds1 does not nurse in public anymore, but every once and a while he will make a scene about nursing in front of a group of strangers. I try to ignore it because we only nurse before bed or if he is sick or injured.
The other day when a newer friend came over, DS kept laying on my lap begging to nurse. I said no and kept trying to redirect. Our friend did not ask, so I did not have to explain. She knows I still nurse ds2. But you could see the horrified look on her face.
Anways I had not heard from heard from her and so I emailed her and the response was she was swamped with work and would not be free until the end of March!
This is not the first time this has happened. None of our old neighbors would have playdates with us because of our nursing.
Btw I do not bring up the topic. Dh is the one who tells EVERYONE....hence the reason why I loose so many friends. Dh doesn't filter his conversation. I know who I can share with and who I can't share with.
Edited by hipmummy - 6/1/11 at 9:02pm

[hipmummy]

anyone have any advice?

Clearly I know the obvious, if these people were real friends they would not care. But I need to be social. It is impossible to find friends that nurse, let alone friends that are tandem nursing with a 4.5 year old. We live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone else's business, which does not help matters.

[justKate]

That's shocking to me.  I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to offer hugs.

[hipmummy]

Originally Posted by justKate 

That's shocking to me.  I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to offer hugs.

It is to me as well. I did not even nurse him in front of her. People are strange. I was at a party and a group of women were making fun of a women who nursed her 2.5 year old. I said I nursed @ 2.5 and I planned on nursing ds2 until then as well and they laughed be use they thought I was kidding.

[Chloe'sMama]

I am sorry, that sounds awful.  DD is much younger, but I coach her if it is a situation I know I dont feel comfortable nursing.  She usually respects my boundaries.   I say something like, "We dont nurse in front of ______, so dont ask for milk.  We can have special milk time after they go home."  then I have her repeat so I know she understands.

So sorry mama and good job!

[ssh]

That's really weird. Maybe it would have been better if you just nursed him when he asked. Have you looked online to see if there are any natural parenting or AP groups in your area, maybe in a town close by too? There are a few yahoo groups close to me. You could go to the finding your tribe forum here and also check on yahoo. There's also http://www.meetup.com/  .

[stormborn]

Wow. Is it possible that she really is busy? If I saw what you described I would assume that the 4 yo was asking to nurse in imitation of the younger sib. Extended nursing is very much on my radar, dd1 nursed until 5 and the 2 yo sure shows no signs of being done, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion unless I actually saw him latch on.:)  

If she is backing away because of that, a big  to her!

[woodchick]

Let's get together!  Both my girls are still nursing! We don't think you're weird! :)

[hipmummy]

Woodchick we should get together. Maybe we can do a chipolte date soon. We just moved so you are more than welcome to come hang here I can message you with our new info.

[Momma2Aiden]

Wow, that's rough :(  I've only been nursing for 10 months (first baby) but I plan on nursing to atleast 2.  You should deffo try to find a group!  Pooh on those people who get freaked out, I'd totally hang out with you, and be proud! 

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by hipmummy 

Btw I do not bring up the topic. Dh is the one who tells EVERYONE....hence the reason why I loose so many friends. Dh doesn't filter his conversation. I know who I can share with and who I can't share with.o

I would be very upset if my DH was doing this.  I nursed DS1 to age 4 but I felt it was a private and personal matter, and that it was up to me to choose who knew about it. I would not have been okay with my husband going around talking about it.  There is nothing wrong with extended nursing, but it is personal, and not everyone is going to feel okay with it so it makes sense to have some family privacy about it.

[Ldavis24]

Yikes hipmummy!

I wouldn't even know how to respond to that because DD is only 20 months still and I think people just assume I have weaned her. I nurse wherever still and often because she is a "numma" hog and at this point I just act like it is completely normal and I think I give off this air of attitude when I am nursing that if anyone tries to question it they are going to get their head bitten off and then stuffed full of knowledge. DH jokes that I am just waiting for someone to say something to me on a bad day when I NIP so I can really let loose.

Granted I am not nursing a 4.5 year old but I would feel so blessed if DD and I go that long. Good for you mama! I too know it is easy to say that those people don't matter but I really get the need to be social. Did someone say Chipotle? Count me in, where in MA are you? PM if you want.

I don't have any practical advice unfortunately except that if you create the air that it is perfectly acceptable good to do what you are doing (nurse your LOs as long as you want) people might be less inclined to be freaked out by it maybe? Hopefully....You could always move to Mongolia (my secret fantasy), I loved the article about BFing there and how everyone loves to see a mama BFing her baby, toddler, child!!

[brackin]

Saw this in new posts and had to respond because DS1 is still nursing at 4.5, DD nursed until 5, and DS2, well, he's only 1, so no stopping in the foreseeable future!  

Anyway, first off, it's sweet that your dh thinks it's something to share, but I'd ask him to please stop, since it's making you uncomfortable.  Second, like previous posters said, I have talked with DS1 at length about nursing and he understands not to ask or talk about it in front of anyone except my family (DD was the same at this age).  Finally, you know, some people are just weird.  I can't imagine it keeping me from friends even if I thought EBF was strange, but, whatever.  My somewhat shy mother used to tell everyone about my youngest sis nursing until she was 4.  She says she did it for "shock value."

[dalia]

What a #$%!!! Sorry, I can't help it. Seriously? March??? I think if i were you I would ask her if I had done something to offend her and see if she has the guts to say it. But this probably isn't good advice because the soul purpose, at least for me, would be to argue with her or at least make her feel bad!

Come hang out with us! You can nurse your ds till he's in college. We don't care!!

[averlee]

Well, here's another obvious thing: You probably don't want friends who are nasty, judgmental, or who you have to "fake it" around or hide major parts of your life from. I live in a busy urban area where breastfeeding is quite common, and the mosque in my neighborhood has a mother's group where they try to nurse each child for at least 4-5 years in imitation of Mary and other religious figures. Also the Catholic church in my neighborhood promotes breastfeeding for 4-5 years to help space the birth of children. Move to California? We nurse our babies topless on the street here! We squirt breastmilk into coffee cups at Starbucks (saw a mom doing this recently, loved her)! 

I have never coached my daughter that breastfeeding is private or that she shouldn't talk about it. I do not want her to have any sense of shame about breastfeeding. I would rather lose "friends" than put that on her. Also, I know this is kinda far-fetched, but I'm an incest survivor, so I have a warped view of "things we do in private but don't talk about".  Sometimes I'm embarrassed when she demands to nurse in front of people, and I do tell her no sometimes, and sometimes she whines or has a fit. But when I explain it to her I put it all on me, not her. I've said "See all the men on this train car, I don't want them to see my breasts," and similar things like that (she's approaching 4 now).

[Treece]

Originally Posted by averlee 

Move to California? We nurse our babies topless on the street here! We squirt breastmilk into coffee cups at Starbucks (saw a mom doing this recently, loved her)! 

Really? Sounds like paradise. Here in Oklahoma I am the only bf mom I know, let alone tandem and ebf. I also try to keep it hush hush. But sometimes ds asks for it and I try to redirect him, since we mostly only nurse @bedtime and for hurts.

[amaayeh]

I can sympathize.  Most people I know wean by 6 months to a year and needless to say they are freaked out that I'm still nursing my almost 3 year old.  My family is the funniest.  They literally start screeching about how horrible it is that I nurse, etc.  So, my SIL and I started having a 'serious' conversation how we think it would be fine if our kids called from school and asked to nurse.  We would head right up there!  I mean, obviously, we have NO boundaries. 

averlee - where in Cali do you live?  I have only seen one person NIP since I have been here, and I'm in the SF Bay area.  Just curious!

[BeagleMommy]

I'm sorry, but I understand. I'm in a similar boat here, in that nursing isn't the norm, much less "extended" BF, but haven't lost any friends over it.
I have found almost all my friends through the local La Leche League, so that probably helps.
My 4 year old would nurse as much as a newborn if I could stand it. As it is, she nurses several times a day, as does my 18 month old. NIP hasn't really been an issue for us because the 4 year old doesn't ask when we are out. I think she's so busy doing and looking that it doesn't occur to her to nurse.

[Treece]

I don't even have a local LLL. I called the main office and the closest is about an hour away. Most of my support did come from WIC, but I quit that b/c we were getting WAY TOO much milk and stuff.

[seashells]

There is nothing like having your 4 year old ask to nurse and having your friend chime in about how her own 4 year old is still nursing twice a day, or for boo-boos, or whatever. Or your child's request triggering the playdate's desire to nurse. It's worth it to find the people to get together with.