If you SAH but also have a nanny or mother's helper I want to hear from you! - Page 3

[dalia]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

Well, i definitely would love help and can't "do it all" (whatever that means).  In fact at a rough estimate i have about 9 loads of dirty washing to do but instead i'm posting here :P

I'm sorry if i made you feel bad dalia!  My intention was quite the reverse, and i didn't mention BFing because i thought you didn't BF (or even thought about it) it is just that feeding the baby (by breast or bottle) is such a massively time-consuming bit of the parenting job in the first year, as are the other stuff i mentioned (for me anyway).

If it's any consolation, though we don't live in clutter or filth i am usually the one being criticised on those "how does your housework routine look" threads.  I literally fire-fight the housework.  I would love some help, and i'm really glad there are folks out there who have it!  I've just begun working again (literally a few hours a week) as a freelance administrator and i joke with DP, the second i'm earning a notable amount of money we're getting a cleaner  I actually looked at a few "offered" ads in the week, but they charge £7.50/hour and i earn £10/hour so after tax i would literally be earning nothing...still slightly tempted though LMAO!

You didn't make me feel bad. I totally understood what you were saying. Btw, I have a cleaning person who comes in every two weeks plus my nanny also cleans up a little and my house is still a disaster most days!!!

[insidevoice]

I've been alone with three kids (DH traveling) for most of a year now, and until recently did not have any breaks at all. It wasn't out of a desire to be super-parent, it was simply because we couldn't afford to hire someone.  As we go forward and restructure the budget, we are hoping to create enough flexibility to be able to hire someone part time to help with the kids, and arrange for a once a week or twice monthly cleaning service. 

I love being a mother, and while I know I can do everything alone, that doesn't mean I don't get overwhelmed or tired, and I'd rather be a mom with energy to still play with the kids and have fun than ascribe to a belief system that says I fail as a parent if I hire someone to babysit so I can have a couple hours to myself to recharge. 

[dalia]

Originally Posted by insidevoice 

I've been alone with three kids (DH traveling) for most of a year now, and until recently did not have any breaks at all. It wasn't out of a desire to be super-parent, it was simply because we couldn't afford to hire someone.  As we go forward and restructure the budget, we are hoping to create enough flexibility to be able to hire someone part time to help with the kids, and arrange for a once a week or twice monthly cleaning service. 

I love being a mother, and while I know I can do everything alone, that doesn't mean I don't get overwhelmed or tired, and I'd rather be a mom with energy to still play with the kids and have fun than ascribe to a belief system that says I fail as a parent if I hire someone to babysit so I can have a couple hours to myself to recharge. 

Amen. I really hope you are able to work it out so that you can get some rest. Three kids and a dh that travels - wow. And here I am complaining about one!

[bluedaisy]

I haven't read all the responses but I don't think you should feel guilty at all!  My DH is from a culture where most people have a "house help" - a nanny/cook/cleaner who often lives with them.

When we went to visit over the summer, most people couldn't believe I don't have anyone to help me and I do all the childcare, cleaning, cooking by myself...I don't know why we think a mom has to "do it all" in this culture without any help, and there is NO reason you should feel guilty.

[dalia]

Originally Posted by bluedaisy 

I haven't read all the responses but I don't think you should feel guilty at all!  My DH is from a culture where most people have a "house help" - a nanny/cook/cleaner who often lives with them.

When we went to visit over the summer, most people couldn't believe I don't have anyone to help me and I do all the childcare, cleaning, cooking by myself...I don't know why we think a mom has to "do it all" in this culture without any help, and there is NO reason you should feel guilty.

Thanks! I agree that what we do here in the country is the exception not the rule. Someone told me once that the more people there are to love my son the better. I really like that!

[GoBecGo]

I think the main thing with me is that though i can get by alone, i kind of don't want a career (as a parent, given i SAHM mostly) of getting by.  If having a few hours of help a week from other people meant i could have a thoroughly enjoyable journey parenting rather than a stretched-to-my-limit-but-just-about-surviving time of it...well, i know what i'd rather have!  I really hope to afford help with the more boring and exhausting bits soon.  I guess when DD1 goes to school (this August) i will be gaining a bunch in terms of free-er time.  I have LOVED having her with me these past 5 years, and i'm glad we opted not to do nursery, but man, 6 hours a day with just one kid will be great! :)

Also, the DH travelling...i know it is MUCH harder when i know DP is away and won't be home at night to tag team the work or even just listen to me debrief my day, y/k?  I couldn't do it if he travelled more (just now he might be away maybe 3-5 nights a YEAR).  Kudos to those who have to cope with that - even with a nanny/other help in the day, it's still just you locking the door at night and knowing you're on your own!  When i was a single parent that was my hardest time, the stressful moments between going to bed and falling asleep, knowing that all there was between the big bad universe and my little kid was me, and me alone.  HARD!

[dalia]

Gobecgo, my dh travels all the time. When he is not traveling he is utterly consumed with his work. Not saying he doesn't care for his son a lot when he is here but he just doesn't have the time/energy to give ds a bath or make him a meal. And yeah, when he's gone the nights are lonely!

[xelakann]

We used to have a cleaning person come too, along with our nanny.  She'd only come once a month and do the deep and dirty cleaning, but after awhile it was redundant with the nanny and often I like sneaking off WHILE the nanny is here and do the deep cleaning and scrubbing. It's nice to get in my zone.

For me and my family having the help has actually improved my parenting skills. By allowing myself to take breaks (and WAH when I need to) it fills up my cup so I can be more present with them. And I have NEVER once felt like someone else was raising them. Our nanny has become a dear family friend and my children LOVE and trust her.

Like I said earlier I don't feel guilty anymore... and I CHERISH my date nights with my husband. The single best thing we have done for our marriage. After a long week, it is so wonderful to just connect with my husband and unwind and laugh and strengthen our relationship. It gives us a lightness that is needed when raising a one year old and a 3 year old.

[peainthepod]

Count me in with the shamelessly, happily, deliriously grateful SAHMs who have help! I have a combination nanny/housekeeper who comes in to clean the house once a week and who also helps out with the children when I need a break. DH is a very involved father, but he travels a lot and we don't have any family within 1500 miles of us. When he's gone, I need the occasional break. Sometimes I even have the nanny come when he's here, because DH and I--gasp!--want to go do something by ourselves that isn't kid-friendly.

Our nanny isn't raising our children any more than their grandparents would be if they lived nearby and wanted to spend time with them alone. But you know what? She loves our children like one of her own, so I'd be honored if she considered herself like one of the family, helping to raise our children. She's a great role model and a gentle, loving person. There are certainly worse fates in life than to have a grandmotherly figure come and play with you once or twice a week during your childhood!

[Peony]

I seem to straddle the working and SAHM but am mostly a SAHM. I supervise a very small program at our local health dept, I work minimally. Last month it was 9 hours, mostly from home. Other months I work more then that never more then 40 hours a month though and that is rare, usual is probably 15ish. If I could find regular help right now, you bet I'd have it. I'm going to hire some one this summer for 2-3 days a week after when #4 is born.

I'v almost always had someone to help clean for the past 7 years. Right now it is only every other week, I wish it was more! The older my kids get, and the more of them there are, it becomes so difficult to get everything done and everyone to where they need to be doing it alone. 

[RubThyNeighbor]

I stay at home but I have someone who comes over 3 days a week. Her main task is to clean but I go out to classes and/or errands on those days without my DD. Some days I dont use her for watching DD at all but some I am gone all day. I love her and so does my DD. My sanity and health are in tact thanks ot having her. Grateful to be able to afford this way. Works for us!

[Alison's Mom]

I went back to work when dd was 1 so hired a nanny 3 days per week. Dd had been a challenging infant, and I was overwhelmed with looking after her, so decided to keep our PT nanny while I was at home with DS so she could take DD to the park, library, etc and I could focus on DS and be able to nap when he was napping. I don't regret that, and if I didn't have breaks now while they are in school, I would get a helper. Oh, we also have a cleaner that comes once every two weeks. It's still a lot of work!

[scottishmommy]

I don't have a nanny, but my little brother lives with us and when he's around he helps a lot. When dd was a baby he was unemployed which sucked for him, but was great door us! I loved having the companionship mostly. But it was great to be able to drive DH to the train without packing up the baby etc. I love that dd has such a special bond with him. He babysits when I go to work early one day a week. If I could pay him as well as his current job I'd have him here all day! I don't think anyone should feel guilty about having a mother's helper. I also think it's probably fun for the kids to get out with a zippy nanny once in a while instead of boring old mom!

[Tigerchild]

When my kids were all 3 and under, I hired a friend's sweet, fun high schooler to come over 2 days a week after school until after dinner, and occasional evenings out.  Best decision I ever made.  Frankly, I was too exhausted and touched out to really give a rip what other people "thought" of me for not being a martyr supermom (my DD was born 17 months before my twin DSes, so anyone who thinks that I'm a lazy parent or whatever after THAT intense first two years can sit and spin as far as I'm concerned).

It was great for the kids, great from me both from a catching up on house projects and getting some respite angle, but also I felt privledged and really good about being another mentor in an awesome young woman's life, and getting to see HER grow up a lot in those 2 years before she went off to college! I cried when she left for college almost as hard as we both cried on my DD's first day of school (and getting on the bus)--since my helper's college started after the start of the school year, she came over that morning.  :)

Now that my kids are school aged, I don't feel quite as much of a need.  We still prefer to hire young people we know as sitters on occasion.  I found that I really like talking with/getting to know teens and having them be part of our family's life.

But I didn't (and don't) feel guilt over hiring a mother's helper while being a SAHM.  I don't think that WOHMs should feel guilty about getting off work early now and then and using that time to get some errands done or seeing to things that need to be seen to.  I think people who are overly concerned about what other moms are doing in that regard are too snotty to waste much emotional energy on.  So, do what you want to do, and consider the source if someone looks down on you for it.

[D_McG]

I don't have anyone come to my house b/c I wouldn't want someone around (I'd have to clean! ). I can't justify a cleaning person because I honestly don't think it should be that hard for me to keep the place clean. BUT I happily and joyfully send my son to preschool 3 days a week including one 'long' day and I'm counting down to when my DD is old enough to go . I also (when not pregnant) love to use the gym daycare for as long as I can (1.5 hours/day). Even if it means I lie on a yoga mat and listen to music.

A daily break from my kids made a HUGE difference to my mental health and parenting. I see no pride in 'doing it all'. I honestly thought that was boring for all involved!

[heybabyquepaso]

We've hired someone to clean our house twice- once the weekend before my son was born and once at the beginning of March (so about a month ago). I needed the help getting the house to look decent, for my own mental health. I don't think we can do it very often but it really helps me out. When the house is clean, I feel like I've been given a head start to keep it looking decent for awhile. If you can do it and it helps, why not?

[blueberrystamps]

I just wanted to say thank you for everyone sharing in this thread I just had my 3rd baby  8 weeks ago. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old (4 year old is a huge handful and I find myself just getting so mad all the time) and I homeschool. I am looking at having some one come in and clean/help with kids a little since I just really do not like cleaning plus I have to find time to do it and it is causing alot of stress right now. Any way thank you because I keep feeling like I should just be able to handle it all and you all helped me see some great points. Thank you

[Snapdragon]

I would love to have someone I trust come watch ds (18 months) for an hour or 2 a few days a week, when I need some me time! And also once a week for date night- or even in the evening after dh is home from work so dh and I can have some together alone time. My challenge is finding someone I would actually trust leaving my 18 month old with! We actually do have some family in the area and they will watch him occasionally- but for short stints and not with regularity as eveyrone is busy with jobs and such. I would love to have a babysitter I trusted but I don't know who I would feel comfortable leaving ds with at this point, to bond and be safe with. I could hire a random sitter advertising on sittercity or somewhere but it feels unsettled to me to do that- it would be great to find someone I already knew and trusted but no luck with that yet.

[Peony]

Since this thread got bumped, I should update.  I had my 4th child this summer, and OMG it's kicking my butt. We now have a nanny/helper 4 days a week. And you know what, I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. The month DS2 was born I started using my sitter two set days a week instead of just when I worked (about one-two half days a week). I would take one child out and she would watch the others, it was great to get a little bit of one on one time with them. We kept that for another month after he was born and then school started and she went to 3 days a week. She moved suddenly and our new one needed 4 days a week so here we are. Eventually when DS2 isn't a newborn, we'll drop down the time but for now it is the BEST THING EVER. 

She does anything from school drops and pick ups (an hour round trip for us, not cool with a screaming newborn), raking all the leaves outside, organizing my cupboards, grocery shopping, oil changes, on and on. Any child care needed for any amount of my kids, the kids adore her. A helper/nanny quickly becomes part of the family, or least that has been our experience. She calls on her days off to see if my girls can go horseback riding with her. DD1 got sick this week and the nanny went to her house, to her garden and got fresh garlic to give to DD1. My oldest child is on several sports teams, it is a lot of driving and and a lot of practices. Sometimes the nanny does it, and sometimes I do it. I'll head of for a fun day of activities with the kids and leave her at home with a to-do list. I can't remember the last time my couch was ever cleaned or all my laundry was done and put away at the same time, seriously not a single item of dirty clothing in the house, before her.

For the first time in a very long time, I don't go to bed every night utterly exhausted with a massive to-do list still running through my head feeling like I got nothing done that day even though I ran my butt off all freaking day long. Once upon a time I only wanted people I knew watching my kids, I didn't use someone I  din't know for childcare until my oldest child was 6 years old! We've done everything from flyers at the grocery store to Craiglist, sittercity, care.com over the last few years. We have never had a bad experience with anyone. This wonderful person came from care.com. I wish I would of let go of the hang up years sooner, it would of saved me a lot of grief. I check references, have done back grounds before, I start slowly, get to know and trust them before springing all my kids on them and leaving. I've come to realize that most sitters do it because they really love kids, and that has been true for us. My kids think sitters are the best concept ever, someone who is just going to sit here and play with me! Awesome. Unlike boring mom who is always multi-tasking... We won't be able to keep our current agreement for an extended amount of time but while it lasts, I am going to enjoy every second of it. We are not supermom and getting help often allows us to be a better mother. 

[blueberrystamps]

Peony thanks for the update. I do have a question for you ladies that have help what age range do you use ? I am 31 and I am thinking I want someone younger then me any advice or experience as far as that goes ? also when you post your add how do you explain what you are wanting do you call it a mothers helper?

Thank you