Fight about hospital and UC

[Tnmommi]

My husband called me a very ugly name which due to some peoples sensitivity to the word I will not put back into my post.

I'm planning a UC..it took alot of convincing to get DH to go along with it..the only way he will go along with it is if me and the baby go to the hospital afterwards,at first I agreed.But now I think to myself if there is no need to go in then why should we? But I STILL never said I wouldnt go.

All I asked my husband was "I wonder if I called my CNM and said everything was ok if he (my CNM) would still want us to come in to the hospital"

Of course this made him mad he said I was not a Dr. and just because everything looks ok doesn't mean it is..he could have holes in organs..etc. and I cant just stick my ear to his chest and listen to his lungs or hear a heart mumor(sp),I can say that as someone who suffers from asthma I WOULD know if breathing was abnormal though.

I really feel like he was just attacking me he said I was pissing him off...I told him his lack of faith pissed me off (lack of faith in me and trust in me).

I understand his fears but on the other hand I still believe birth is natural and I was made to do this and also I havent UPed I've been seeing a CNM I've had my ultrasounds and I'm pretty sure they would have noticed any holes in organs.

No I'm not a freaking Dr. but I'm not a complete idiot I think I would know if something was wrong with my baby....not even a Dr. would test for certain things unless they are apparent

I got really upset and told him don't be surprised when he is NOT at the birth.Then I signed offline.

This really is just a vent but if anyone has comments or advice thanks.

[HollyBearsMom]

the title of this post is really offensive. please consider re-phrasing or giving warning of derogatory/inflammatory language. thanks

[Tnmommi]

Sorry if the topic offends that wasn't my intent but that is what I was called...so thats what I used,I wasn't calling anyone ********,I can't help it if people take it that way.

Ill reword to avoid any hurt feelings

[Tnmommi]

I can't figure out how to edit the title.

[georgia]

Hi, just click "Change Title" next to the thread's title. Thanks for your understanding and sensitivity. 

[Tnmommi]

Yea I just saw that right after I wrote the big words in red lol I really didnt mean to offend anyone its changed now.

Originally Posted by georgia 

Hi, just click "Change Title" next to the thread's title. Thanks for your understanding and sensitivity. 

[lalaland42]

Your husband called you what?!? I'd suggest some marriage counseling to learn how to communicate in a more mature fashion without name calling or slurs.

[Tnmommi]

Thank you for the reply,but we don't need mariage counceling.

We talked more after we both calmed down and now everything is fine,and we both get what we want.

Originally Posted by lalaland42 

Your husband called you what?!? I'd suggest some marriage counseling to learn how to communicate in a more mature fashion without name calling or slurs.

[ElizabethE]

TN Mommi--

First of all, can I please just say that UC will NOT go well if the person that is with you is generally unsupportive. This is going to speak to your intuition and instinct as “outsider”, and you may wind up in the hospital just because of this causing your body to respond in a less than calm manner. I worry for you. I hope you can find a peaceful environment and shut out anyone or anything that could jeopardize that.

Also, I am very upset that someone could be so mean to you. I have no idea what was so offensive since apparently it’s been changed, but I imagine it was pretty bad. I would be curious to know what it was, if you would feel up to PM-ing me about it. If not, I understand.

You may not be a doctor, but you are a mother. Mother’s tend to have a great intuition about their babies that we have glossed over and even discredited over the past century or two, as we have medicalized the beliefs of birth more and more. What’s more is that doctors are not perfect, either, and miss things with babies all the time. The risk over their health in-hospital seems to actually be on the rise.

As an aside, a mom coming here looking for help in a stressful situation being chastised about the language someone else had used on her seems to me very insensitive to her position in this story. I would like to see others consider her feelings where possible. I think it’s sad if a UC forum, of all places, has us walking on eggshells. A controversial topic is going to have some controversial discussion, is it not? It is not conducive to a safe or supportive environment, when we chastise one another in that regard.

And it did take understanding and sensitivity-- on the part of the poster-- to change it. Wow. You go, girl...

[Tnmommi]

I hope you got my PM :)

Originally Posted by ElizabethE 

TN Mommi--

First of all, can I please just say that UC will NOT go well if the person that is with you is generally unsupportive. This is going to speak to your intuition and instinct as “outsider”, and you may wind up in the hospital just because of this causing your body to respond in a less than calm manner. I worry for you. I hope you can find a peaceful environment and shut out anyone or anything that could jeopardize that.

Also, I am very upset that someone could be so mean to you. I have no idea what was so offensive since apparently it’s been changed, but I imagine it was pretty bad. I would be curious to know what it was, if you would feel up to PM-ing me about it. If not, I understand.

You may not be a doctor, but you are a mother. Mother’s tend to have a great intuition about their babies that we have glossed over and even discredited over the past century or two, as we have medicalized the beliefs of birth more and more. What’s more is that doctors are not perfect, either, and miss things with babies all the time. The risk over their health in-hospital seems to actually be on the rise.

As an aside, a mom coming here looking for help in a stressful situation being chastised about the language someone else had used on her seems to me very insensitive to her position in this story. I would like to see others consider her feelings where possible. I think it’s sad if a UC forum, of all places, has us walking on eggshells. A controversial topic is going to have some controversial discussion, is it not? It is not conducive to a safe or supportive environment, when we chastise one another in that regard.

And it did take understanding and sensitivity-- on the part of the poster-- to change it. Wow. You go, girl...

[HollyBearsMom]

As an aside, a mom coming here looking for help in a stressful situation being chastised about the language someone else had used on her seems to me very insensitive to her position in this story. I would like to see others consider her feelings where possible. I think it’s sad if a UC forum, of all places, has us walking on eggshells. A controversial topic is going to have some controversial discussion, is it not? It is not conducive to a safe or supportive environment, when we chastise one another in that regard.

I am always going to call 'em like I see 'em. Offensive and inflammatory language needs to be called out so that the words do not become mainstreamed. I don't care what the topic matter is, nor do I care who used the offensive language, if a poster includes it in their thread it should be noted or at least they should post a warning as I also suggested.  

Personally I think a poster will get more replies about the topic at hand when the language is not offending a large portion, if not all of the readers. As evidenced here, LOL! 

[JPOUC]

I am new and really have no idea what all just happened... I am sorry you had a fight with your husband about what should be such a very special and wonderful moment.  I am glad things seem to be worked out and I hope you are able to continue planning a birth that feels right and wonderful for you AND your hubby :)

[katelove]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

As an aside, a mom coming here looking for help in a stressful situation being chastised about the language someone else had used on her seems to me very insensitive to her position in this story. I would like to see others consider her feelings where possible. I think it’s sad if a UC forum, of all places, has us walking on eggshells. A controversial topic is going to have some controversial discussion, is it not? It is not conducive to a safe or supportive environment, when we chastise one another in that regard.

I am always going to call 'em like I see 'em. Offensive and inflammatory language needs to be called out so that the words do not become mainstreamed. I don't care what the topic matter is, nor do I care who used the offensive language, if a poster includes it in their thread it should be noted or at least they should post a warning as I also suggested.  

Personally I think a poster will get more replies about the topic at hand when the language is not offending a large portion, if not all of the readers. As evidenced here, LOL! 

I read the original post and thread title. To me it was not clear that the offensive word was a direct quote by the husband. It wasn't in quotation marks and it wasn't phrased as "My husband called me a ******".  I think, based on that, it was reasonable to ask for an alteration.

[ElizabethE]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

As an aside, a mom coming here looking for help in a stressful situation being chastised about the language someone else had used on her seems to me very insensitive to her position in this story. I would like to see others consider her feelings where possible. I think it’s sad if a UC forum, of all places, has us walking on eggshells. A controversial topic is going to have some controversial discussion, is it not? It is not conducive to a safe or supportive environment, when we chastise one another in that regard.

I am always going to call 'em like I see 'em. Offensive and inflammatory language needs to be called out so that the words do not become mainstreamed. I don't care what the topic matter is, nor do I care who used the offensive language, if a poster includes it in their thread it should be noted or at least they should post a warning as I also suggested.  

Personally I think a poster will get more replies about the topic at hand when the language is not offending a large portion, if not all of the readers. As evidenced here, LOL! 

I've since learned what the word was and I agree that this type of language is highly offensive and way too accepted on the mainstream level.

THAT SAID, talking about something that happened to you, as in an anecdote, should not be silenced. If it doesn't condone using the language, we're good; and if anyone wants to start condoning that language, we could even take that up in our discussion as mature adults at that point in time. But we definitely shouldn't alter, censor, or silence people giving personal accounts of hurtful things said to them... should we? :( :/ In silencing we allow mainstream to keep it up. By opening dialogue, we open doorways to rejecting that and making change! :D

But I agree, they WILL get more topic-relevant responses without certain language brought up. That much is true.
 

[ElizabethE]

Originally Posted by katelove 

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

As an aside, a mom coming here looking for help in a stressful situation being chastised about the language someone else had used on her seems to me very insensitive to her position in this story. I would like to see others consider her feelings where possible. I think it’s sad if a UC forum, of all places, has us walking on eggshells. A controversial topic is going to have some controversial discussion, is it not? It is not conducive to a safe or supportive environment, when we chastise one another in that regard.

I am always going to call 'em like I see 'em. Offensive and inflammatory language needs to be called out so that the words do not become mainstreamed. I don't care what the topic matter is, nor do I care who used the offensive language, if a poster includes it in their thread it should be noted or at least they should post a warning as I also suggested.  

Personally I think a poster will get more replies about the topic at hand when the language is not offending a large portion, if not all of the readers. As evidenced here, LOL! 

I read the original post and thread title. To me it was not clear that the offensive word was a direct quote by the husband. It wasn't in quotation marks and it wasn't phrased as "My husband called me a ******".  I think, based on that, it was reasonable to ask for an alteration.

Oh, okay Kate... thank you for the clarification.  :)

This is actually another good reason, IMHO, for us to keep original versions of things. Clarity.

[HollyBearsMom]

THAT SAID, talking about something that happened to you, as in an anecdote, should not be silenced. If it doesn't condone using the language, we're good; and if anyone wants to start condoning that language, we could even take that up in our discussion as mature adults at that point in time. But we definitely shouldn't alter, censor, or silence people giving personal accounts of hurtful things said to them... should we? :( :/ In silencing we allow mainstream to keep it up. By opening dialog, we open doorways to rejecting that and making change! :D

 

Which is why a I suggested a "warning-offensive language" tag as an option other than censoring. However that assumes the poster knows how offensive the word is.  A lot of people still think it is OK to use words like that.  What I and the other posters were trying to do is make the OP and the readers of the thread aware of how offensive that term is.

Hopefully the OP has had dialog with her husband and there are now  2 more people who will no longer find it an acceptable slur to use in anger/frustration or in regular day/day conversations and postings. 

[lalaland42]

I think there are two separate issues WRT the argument. First, there is the offensiveness of the word used. It is offensive and shouldn't be used. Period. Second, resorting to name calling because you have a difference of opinion is not a healthy way to state your case. It is especially damaging for a child to hear his/her parents call each other names when having a disagreement. This type of arguing needs to be stopped and soon since the baby is almost here. A child should not see their parent attacked by their other parent this way. 

[sharita]

Id like to comment on the "going to the hosital after the fact" 

My last few pregnancies, I belonged to many UC forums and read several experiences of the few moms that did go in after the fact whether it was to appease the DH, just the get "checked out", or whether they really needed to because something was wrong.  Most (with one of two exceptions) were treated poorly and treated radically since they delivered in a "non-sterile" environment.  So many more interventions and unessesary tests were preformed on mom and baby just because of this.   Some have to fight to take baby home and leave themselves after that as they push hard for you to stay for overnight observation. These were the ones that claimed oops.  One of two that admitted it was on purpose were actually called CPS on.  Nothing major was done but they had to meet with a caseworker before leaving the hospital and another had a home visit. Sometimes medical professional just freak when they hear someone didn't seek their all powerful and knowing expertise, lol.  Most homebirth moms I talk to that had to transfer say they got a lot of panic since they were at home 

This isn't the rule, I know some have went in and been treated fairly and even found the staff to be in awe of their choice.  However, it is such a risk as to who you will be getting when you get there.

At best, I think they will jsut push for you to stay, seperate you and baby for routine tests for baby such as blood glucose levels, general exams, etc.  Acess you, may try to give you pit (routine in most hospitals postpartum as of lately), all the stuff you wanted to avoid by having a UC homebirth. 

I think what happens directly postpartum is just as huge as the birth it self and has even more impact on the baby.  I crave the calm, relaxing quiet for me and baby to have uninterupted bonding and get breastfeeing well established.  I HATED that in the hospital, they may put baby on your tummy for a sec while the all too quickly cut the still pulsing cord, but then wisk him/her away when poor baby is just now figuring out he has been born and instinctively  searching for mommy and wanting to nurse.  They then may hand baby back for a few but after 5 to 15 mins, but then wisk them off again to the nursery for about an hour (or 3).  This was the point I would always have to make them bring baby back. 

For me, all that would make my homebirth seem for nothing.  Now of course, you can deny ANY AND ALL tests, interventions, and treatment you don't want for you or baby.  I would just hate having to fight for it after such a peaceful natural uninterrupted birth.  Also, thsi is where you and DH would need to be on the same page.

I wasn't trying to scare you with the CPS thing, I have only rarely heard of that happening and I think it is more likely if you go in combative and disregaurding medical advice even if there really was something actually wrong.  I have heard if you are sweet about it, appear well educated and informed but kindly refuse those things not nessesary, it's not likely anyone will go to extremes and try and force you.

I would suggest not going in though if all goes well with your UC and save the acessment for the pediatrician.  I took my homeborn babe in at 3 days (but could have at 24 hours if I wanted)  who knows, maybe even earlier.  They did all the acessments and basic checking him over and gave him a clean bill of health.  Maybe your DH will be willing to compromise and just let you take baby to the ped.  as they wont try to keep him, treat you like you just had your baby roadside and need to be quarantined, lol.

My ped thought it was cool i had my baby at home.  Sometimes they ask who the midwife is.  I always tell them an out of state friend who is a CPM (not legal in my state but is in others) and they just say "Oh, okay". 

[kawa kamuri]

Why not just take the baby to a pediatrician sometime after birth? Why the hospital? 

I'm sorry that your husband used abusive language with you. There's never an excuse. Best of luck, mama. 

[Almi]

Originally Posted by sharita 

Id like to comment on the "going to the hosital after the fact" 

My last few pregnancies, I belonged to many UC forums and read several experiences of the few moms that did go in after the fact whether it was to appease the DH, just the get "checked out", or whether they really needed to because something was wrong.  Most (with one of two exceptions) were treated poorly and treated radically since they delivered in a "non-sterile" environment.  So many more interventions and unessesary tests were preformed on mom and baby just because of this.   Some have to fight to take baby home and leave themselves after that as they push hard for you to stay for overnight observation. These were the ones that claimed oops.  One of two that admitted it was on purpose were actually called CPS on.  Nothing major was done but they had to meet with a caseworker before leaving the hospital and another had a home visit. Sometimes medical professional just freak when they hear someone didn't seek their all powerful and knowing expertise, lol.  Most homebirth moms I talk to that had to transfer say they got a lot of panic since they were at home 

This isn't the rule, I know some have went in and been treated fairly and even found the staff to be in awe of their choice.  However, it is such a risk as to who you will be getting when you get there.

At best, I think they will jsut push for you to stay, seperate you and baby for routine tests for baby such as blood glucose levels, general exams, etc.  Acess you, may try to give you pit (routine in most hospitals postpartum as of lately), all the stuff you wanted to avoid by having a UC homebirth. 

I think what happens directly postpartum is just as huge as the birth it self and has even more impact on the baby.  I crave the calm, relaxing quiet for me and baby to have uninterupted bonding and get breastfeeing well established.  I HATED that in the hospital, they may put baby on your tummy for a sec while the all too quickly cut the still pulsing cord, but then wisk him/her away when poor baby is just now figuring out he has been born and instinctively  searching for mommy and wanting to nurse.  They then may hand baby back for a few but after 5 to 15 mins, but then wisk them off again to the nursery for about an hour (or 3).  This was the point I would always have to make them bring baby back. 

For me, all that would make my homebirth seem for nothing.  Now of course, you can deny ANY AND ALL tests, interventions, and treatment you don't want for you or baby.  I would just hate having to fight for it after such a peaceful natural uninterrupted birth.  Also, thsi is where you and DH would need to be on the same page.

I wasn't trying to scare you with the CPS thing, I have only rarely heard of that happening and I think it is more likely if you go in combative and disregaurding medical advice even if there really was something actually wrong.  I have heard if you are sweet about it, appear well educated and informed but kindly refuse those things not nessesary, it's not likely anyone will go to extremes and try and force you.

I would suggest not going in though if all goes well with your UC and save the acessment for the pediatrician.  I took my homeborn babe in at 3 days (but could have at 24 hours if I wanted)  who knows, maybe even earlier.  They did all the acessments and basic checking him over and gave him a clean bill of health.  Maybe your DH will be willing to compromise and just let you take baby to the ped.  as they wont try to keep him, treat you like you just had your baby roadside and need to be quarantined, lol.

My ped thought it was cool i had my baby at home.  Sometimes they ask who the midwife is.  I always tell them an out of state friend who is a CPM (not legal in my state but is in others) and they just say "Oh, okay". 

This.  I never once felt the need to go to the hospital.  CPS was happy once the girls saw the pediatrician, at one week of age.

I always say the best part about giving birth at home was not ever being separated from my babies.  I had a very relaxing PP period, surrounded by loving friends who all supported me. :)