alternatives to "time-out" - Page 2

[torena]

Not to hijack the OPs thread here, but what about when you can't get your kid to eat said protein?  We made scrambled eggs together this morning, but then she saw the box of cereal.  She later went to the kitchen and pulled the gallon of milk out of the fridge, thankfully brand new and sealed, and I had to put baby gates up to keep her out of the kitchen.  I asked her to please eat her eggs, and now she's doing this gag/spit it out thing.  She likes eggs.  I don't know why she's doing this now. :/  She has been eating a lot of carbs/fruit lately so I want to try making sure she eats more protein.  3.5 is a hard age, I see.  I thought it was just me.  As terrible as it is I'm glad y'all are posting about this.  I don't feel so alone about it now. :)

[lightinmyhands]

We had that egg spitting out problem when mine was about that age...even though I knew she liked them.  She wanted to eat what she wanted to eat for breakfast and that was that.  I figured she wouldn't starve herself and I just didn't give in.  I also wouldn't cook more eggs later and I wouldn't reheat the ones I'd saved.  It only took a few times of having to consume cold eggs out of hunger (closer to lunch time than breakfast, she is quite strong willed) to get her to eat what I served for breakfast.  She's nearly 7 now and has remained that way about food, to some degree.  What I've had to do was just eliminate food choices for her.  I cook, she eats.  That's how it works or else we're butting heads about food all day long.  I also let her eat the crap she's wanting to eat on occasion, and then make sure to later make the connection for her about her mood/energy/emotions and the food she consumed.  I didn't start doing this until she was about 5, but she seems to be making the connections herself sometimes now.  She'll start to throw a fit mid morning about something and then after it passes she'll sometimes come to me and say "oh, I had cereal for breakfast, maybe I should eat some almonds".  More often than not, it isn't like that... but I am so proud of her for the once in awhile deep understanding she has about food and how we feel/behave.  

[hakeber]

I always offer a wide variety of protein packed foods for DS to choose from in the morning (because who feels like eggs every day).  He can have: eggs (scrambled boiled or fried), or natural peanut butter on whole wheat toast, or oatmeal with walnuts and raisins, or a handful of almonds and a some whole wheat toast cheese, or a yogurt smoothie with almond butter in it...I let him choose when he wakes up, but he has to have something with protein before he leaves the house.

I have even offered left overs of dinner from the night before for breakfast if it was a favorite meal.  We do not limit breakfast to "breakfast foods"  except for junk foods and sweets of course.  

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by hakeber 

I always offer a wide variety of protein packed foods for DS to choose from in the morning (because who feels like eggs every day).  He can have: eggs (scrambled boiled or fried), or natural peanut butter on whole wheat toast, or oatmeal with walnuts and raisins, or a handful of almonds and a some whole wheat toast cheese, or a yogurt smoothie with almond butter in it...I let him choose when he wakes up, but he has to have something with protein before he leaves the house.

I have even offered left overs of dinner from the night before for breakfast if it was a favorite meal.  We do not limit breakfast to "breakfast foods"  except for junk foods and sweets of course.  

We do this too - make sure everything offered for breakfast includes protein in some form or other.  There are lots of options if you get creative!

[teale]

I have no advice for you Mama, but I wanted to thank you for posting. We're dealing with the same, almost down to identical situations with our DS. They are about the same age. I keep wondering if we're doing something wrong, or if it's a stage, and from the sounds of it, there is help solutions out there, but it is somewhat normal for this age too.

Thanks to all you Mama's for posting information! I surely appreciate it as well!

[Subhuti]

When my kids take a break, usually for fighting with one another, I find giving them paper and crayons plus either music or an audiobook works well.

Locking a child in their room feels fundamentally wrong to me. My husband tried it in desperation, too, but I found the being trapped somewhere worsened my kids' movement towards calm. It sounds that it really undermines your daughter Rather, we firmly remind wanderers they must stay in their room and if they do the door can stay open.

I think tho perhaps, because you are a single mom you may have to have more tools in your toolbag ... For your sanity. But really see, is it making your dd and you calmer?

Good luck. We found when we had to tighten up some limits, we always got a big push back until the routine was established. Hold on tight!

[treehugz]

My dd is a high-spirited 3yo and is in this phase too.  I'm SAHM, so dd gets lots of attention, but some days not much of it is focused.  Likewise, I have lots of time at home, but not a lot of focused time for work or me time.  Locking dd in her room seems counterproductive to me... and like a pp said it does seem like she's learned that negative attention is still attention.  I really like the concept of "time in" instead of "time out".  Since hitting this tantrum phase, it's been helpful for me to think of the amount of *focused* attention that dd needs as a well... not a bottomless one, lol, though sometimes it may seem that way.  When the well is full, her needs are satisfied and she is manageable.  When the well isn't full, she is demanding and can get out-of-control when it runs too low.  So when I am really busy and dd gets really needy, here's where I start:

1. FILL THE WELL!  Put everything else on hold (within reason), including guilt about not getting anything done, for a day or more if it's gotten really, really bad.  Give myself a much needed break, and just have some fun with dd.  Do this until SHE gets tired of ME.  It never fails that we both will feel recharged, and when she gets involved with something else, I'm the one who wishes we could keep playing and that I didn't have to get back to work.

2. Once the well is full, KEEP IT FULL!  Or at least refill it regularly enough so that it never goes empty and dd can TRUST that it will get filled regularly... let it get too low and I lose the trust and have to start back over.  Alternate focused work/chores/me time with focused interaction with dd.  Sometimes if dd is having a really good time with me or if I have a really important job (ex. phone call) or one that makes me lose track of time (i.e. internet), I set our kitchen timer.  I find something dd sometimes plays well with alone and then say: I'm going to do some work for 30 minutes while you play with your playdough/peg people/puzzle/blocks, then I want to read some books to you... when the timer dings, we can pick out three books.  When we started trying this, I would only set the timer for 2 minutes and then increased it from there... I can usually get 30 minutes of work to 30 minutes of play (sometimes less, sometimes more) with this strategy now.  And of course, I have to stop what I'm doing the second the timer dings or dd starts to distrust this strategy.  

Anyway this is what has kept our tantrums/neediness at bay right now and has let me get some CRUCIAL work done.  Not sure if it will get us all the way through the 3 1/2 stage though.  Fingers crossed.  Good luck, mama!

p.s. I've noticed too, that we have a lot of tantrums before dd has to potty.  It seems to be helping to ask her afterwards if her full bladder was making her uncomfortable, and remind her that I get cranky when I'm uncomfortable too.

[lorrielink]

Originally Posted by treehugz 

2.   Sometimes if dd is having a really good time with me or if I have a really important job (ex. phone call) or one that makes me lose track of time (i.e. internet), I set our kitchen timer.  I find something dd sometimes plays well with alone and then say: I'm going to do some work for 30 minutes while you play with your playdough/peg people/puzzle/blocks, then I want to read some books to you... when the timer dings, we can pick out three books.  When we started trying this, I would only set the timer for 2 minutes and then increased it from there... I can usually get 30 minutes of work to 30 minutes of play (sometimes less, sometimes more) with this strategy now.  And of course, I have to stop what I'm doing the second the timer dings or dd starts to distrust this strategy.  

I have to say this is brilliant! Off to buy a timer, thanks!

[justthe5ofus]

Do you have a MOPS group in your area? Any sort of AP support group? I'd search high and low on Facebook, CL, etc.

[janneyk]

I think she is bored. At that age they need friends and a large amount of attention. She may be acting out for this reason. Maybe have her help you with everday things...if you have time. Just have her help with laundry or errands. I bet she would love to spend more time with her momma :)

[Cyllya]

OP, your post reminded me of all the stories I've heard about kids with food intolerances. Have you tried out the Feingold program? Checked zinc levels?

[rosiek]

Do you guys follow a routine? Things run much smoother here when we have and follow a routine, it makes children feel safe when they know what is going to happen next.