How to get people to understand my DD HAS A FOOD ALLERGY and yes even a little will cause her...

[sosurreal09]

I am livid as I am writing this so bare with me. DD used to have a TON of intolerances. Now only dairy upsets her and it's usually just direct dairy, not hidden. So we very simply do not eat dairy at all. It is not in the house period. This is a non issue for us since I had to cut out dairy (which was hard, so I was looking for reasons to besides allergies as motivation) we decided we are against the consumption of interspecies breast milk and that the dairy industry is cruel and unjust to the cows. So we have morals concerning it now as well. Sometimes when we go out to someone's house or to eat ect I have been known to have a little ice cream or cheese, I am not to proud of this but you know it is hard for me at times.

We were at MIL's house last night...there was a family emergency involving my nephew and we were all devastated enough. He is ok though TG. So DD has a tummy bug on top of all this I might add, she's been having diarrhea for like 4 days now and she has an ear infection.

I go to the bathroom, I walk out and DD is eating a piece of cheese! MIL looks at me and says,"I am lactose intolerant you know and cheese always helps my stomach" I said "umm no cheese is dairy!" She says to me "She already has diarrhea so it won't hurt her besides it's processed American cheese so it has a lot of other stuff in it too, not all dairy" <---what I WISH I did

I told her it upsets her stomach and gives her the runs.

I think she just chooses not to believe DD is sensitive to dairy. IDK WHY but she takes it with a grain of salt and practically rolls her eyes when I say something about it.

I have issues with confrontation but seriously you give my child something that will make her ill?!?!?! What the flying!

How would/do you mamas handle situations like this? or are all of you lucky enough to just have people believe you when you say they can't have x,y,z?

I am also having an issue with everyone trying to get me to get pills for her so she can eat dairy! Like WHY does she need to take a pill to eat dairy? She can have coconut ice cream and there are a lot of dairy alternatives we enjoy...everyone keeps accusing me of "depriving" her! I keep getting the just give her that medicine they have so her stomach wont get upset and she can eat normal...arg.

She's only 16 m/o btw.

[scsigrl]

First off, I am sorry. It is not cool at all what she did. Is your DH in with you in the no dairy thing? If he is, HE needs to tell him Mother. This has been our arrangement from day 1. It is his family, it is his place. I would explain to him that you are united and that you need him to take care it of. We stopped going over to my MIL's when my step FIL was smoking. It was the choice they made and DH and I didn't want to take the kinds into that environment. Period. We are the parents and we make the rules. If you don't follow them, that's fine but we won't be over. (PS My step FIL (God bless him) quit smoking :) )

[mama1803]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

 or are all of you lucky enough to just have people believe you when you say they can't have x,y,z?

 Ha!  I wish.  Ironically, it has been strangers (teachers at ds' school, classmates, playgroup) that have been most understanding and accomodating.  Family, on the other hand, seems to want to make an issue of ds' allergies (anaphalytic to peanuts, outgrown severe allergies to milk and eggs).  There was a time that ds' diet, and thus dh and mine, were very restricted due to the severity of his allergies.  It has been so hard to get family to understand why the dietary restrictions were necessary.  My ds is now 8 years old and has never been left alone with MIL because I know, without a doubt, she would feed him peanuts to see what would happen because she is convinced that we (not to mention the 3 different allergists we've seen) are wrong.  Every year for Christmas she sends us some peanut-laden food product and then gets outraged when we don't allow it into the house.  There have been many, many times that I have

You know what affects your dd.  You are in charge of what she eats.  If that means avoiding the in-laws to keep her safe, then do it.  I agree with the pp that your dh should be the one to address this issue with his family.   And know that you aren't depriving your dd of anything--you are contributing to her good health by not giving her things that you know affect her negatively and make her not feel well.  Nobody else's opinion is as important as you keeping your dd healthy.

[sosurreal09]

DH was with me and when he saw DD with cheese he was like "ummm why is she eating cheese?!" then his mom said "oh it's ok it's dairy free"

Liar!

I will tell DH to talk to her and yes he is on board with this b/c he has seen first hand how she can be writhing in pain from it, luckily and I guess unluckily (b/c DD was in pain) my dad and his wife saw first hand what happens to her when we slept over there once and she had cooked with butter (without my knowledge) and DD was up all-night-long screaming and writhing in pain and exploding in her diaper! So they don't mess with or question it.

I hate going there b/c everyone smokes too. They don't when we are there but it smells like smoke and they literally have not dusted in like 5 yrs. I dust what I can when we go there and it is like piles of dust! They vaccum and all that but nothing else! That is OT though lol

And of course the next morning DD woke up with the runs and was up frequently crying through the night!

[lastrid]

It's also frustrating when people equate dairy intolerance with lactose intolerance.  It's totally different.  You could tell her that your DD isn't just lactose intolerant and that the reason she (MIL) can eat cheese is that there's not much lactose in it, but it still has other dairy proteins.  I hate it when people are so flippant about things that cause other people physical pain.

[lastrid]

It's also frustrating when people equate dairy intolerance with lactose intolerance.  It's totally different.  You could tell her that your DD isn't just lactose intolerant and that the reason she (MIL) can eat cheese is that there's not much lactose in it, but it still has other dairy proteins.  I hate it when people are so flippant about things that cause other people physical pain.

[crunchy_mommy]

I think I would not leave your DD alone with MIL (seriously, bring her to the bathroom with you, I do this with DS if DH is not with me!) That is scary that she doesn't understand... Everyone is very good about the (constantly changing) food restrictions DS & I have, but we're vegan too so I think by now they are just used to us not eating anything they eat!

[deminc]

 No it's not just you. We had a very hard time convincing family members that the usual healthy staples are no good for ds2. It gets very emotional because family members feel we are depriving the child of healthy food (and most of these allergic kids are already experiencing poor growth), and that we are rebuffing their good intentions and their wealth of child-rearing experiences. Strangers are easy because there is no personal investment in the child's health or their own health convictions.

What I've done - I keep a photo record of ds2's skin in my handphone. This started as a way to motivate me to stay on the diet, but after some spectacular photos, they have been really good for explaining the situation to family members and friendly neighbours handing out food. No one wants to be responsible for those sores and bleeding. There were a couple of incidents when he was fed food he was not supposed to have and we did get very upset, but things do blow over after a couple of months. I have found also that sometimes grandparents and aunts just want to give the child a "treat". If you give them some ideas on what they can give as safe "treats", it can help prevent accidents.

[kjbrown92]

we've had a harder time with some people than others, for sure. One, you need to tell her the difference between lactose intolerance and dairy intolerance (and if it's American cheese, it still has lactose in it; it's the hard cheeses like cheddar that don't have lactose; maybe she doesn't know that) and dairy allergy (is she diagnosed IgE allergy?). And if your daughter's is a dairy intolerance, than a "pill" won't help her. That only helps with lactose intolerance. And if your whole family has a stance against dairy, for ethical reasons,  then you need to be diligent about it as well. If, when you're out, you eat ice cream or cheese, then people don't think you're serious about it. And if she's sick, then heaping on something else that causes inflammation is just not good. Nor is ignoring the rules of the mother. DH needs to have a talk with HIS mother. Or maybe you'd feel more comfortable telling her in a letter. Then you could raise points in a more structured manner (I know when I feel like I'm defending myself, I forget key points, then kick myself later).

[FAmom]

We've had horrible luck with people and issues of respecting how we manage our children's food allergies.  Our children are not left with our in-laws as a result of quite a few incidents, that had we not been present, would have resulted badly.

That said, at a certain point, it really is no longer about trying to get people to understand the WHY of what your child can't eat, but about respecting the decisions you make for your child.

If you say no, then that means no.  And, for those that feel they can ignore that, especially when it could cause harm to your child if they do, then we don't leave our children alone with them.

I am going to also add that while my DH would have had no problem talking to his parents, I actually was the one that had a sit-down discussion with them.  While it was incredibly nerve wracking for me, I was glad to have done it.  There were things that I picked up on, that I don't think DH would have, that just solidified our belief that leaving our children with our in-laws was not a good idea.

And, I will just add, that it is incredibly difficult dealing with family and friends.  They get their feelings hurt, and then that affects their attitudes at times.  But, you have to remember that it isn't about them.  It is about your child.  It isn't that they don't love your child, or want what is best, but it can just be that when it comes to food you can't trust them.  Plain and simple.  

Some people will get things, and others won't.  When you get to the point when you realize a person will never get it, then you take the steps necessary to do what is right for your child first.  

You are the parent.  Your rules.  Whether it is food allergies, food intolerances, or decisions based on ethical/moral beliefs.