What is the secret to happiness as a working parent?

[nina_yyc]

I have the opportunity to make some changes and am looking to learn from what has worked well for others.

I have a 4yo DD and 15mo DS.  I really feel like I have had the best of both worlds for working and SAHMing.  I took a year off when DD was born and jumped on the learning curve of managing a home.  Then I went back full-time for two years and learned to do everything I was doing in 1/4 of the time ;-)  I took another year off with DS and once again jumped on the learning curve of parenting a preschooler and parenting two kids.  Since October I've been back 32hrs a week overlapping schedules with DH and keeping daycare to two days a week.

I don't need laundry tips.  We run a tight ship at home and since DS was born we have made some major strides towards equality in our marriage and division of labor.  What I am looking for is moving beyond the day-to-day.  I would like a challenge in my life beyond finishing the housework before 9 p.m.

This fall DD will be in kindergarten and life will change.  I want to be available weekends for DD  so I'm going to change my work days to school days and likely go full-time to cover the extra child care.  DD will most likely be in the before/after care program at her school and DS will go full-time at our beloved day home.  DH is negotiating with his boss to get off of shiftwork so hopefully I will not be the solo parent after 50% of my working days.  We are also casually considering a second car and seriously considering a move to a more family-friendly neighborhood (currently living in 700sf apartment in inner city.)  What I am hoping is that these changes will open doors and create balance in our lives, but I don't want to squander the opportunity.

[madskye]

For me the secret to happiness as a working parent was letting go of any guilt, and just embracing all the good things that come with my job, and appreciating my job as much as I do my family.  (Crazy!!) I feel lucky to have both.

[nina_yyc]

That is interesting.  I have let go of a lot of guilt...the more books I read about the unreasonable pressures on moms these days, the better I feel about myself.  I'm not struggling to find balance because I'm bad at it, I'm struggling because it is difficult.  I suspect I still have some guilt though... DH and I both had to work Monday when DS was sick, and DH persuaded me to go in while he took the baby.  While all of DH's reasoning was valid - it was his turn and I don't have anyone to cover for me at work while he does and I'm already part time - it felt very weird.

I think one area I really need to work on is appreciating the good about my job and working.  My workplace is a giant sinkhole of cynicism and negativity, feelings that I don't necessarily share but am constantly allowing myself to be sucked into.  It is also difficult to really appreciate the money and lifestyle changes we don't have to make when I work...while I make almost 50% of our household income I don't really see the money.  Most of my salary goes to childcare and savings.  This is going to make a BIG difference long term but in the meantime we live on a tight budget by choice instead of necessity.

[LittleGriff]

Just lurking around hoping someone will reveal the secret ... As far as I can tell it's just sort of miserable most of the time, interspersed by occasional moments of delight ... (guilt, btw, is the least of my problems ;)

[Tellera]

Originally Posted by LittleGriff 

Just lurking around hoping someone will reveal the secret ... As far as I can tell it's just sort of miserable most of the time, interspersed by occasional moments of delight ... (guilt, btw, is the least of my problems ;)

That is me snorting my coffee and doing more of a commiseration cry and laugh at once.

I am feeling a lot like LittleGriff.  I have a lot of panic-like moments, where I wonder how in the world anyone does this. 

For work, to handle the negative emotions, i try to take my time in the morning once out the door to relax (because generally I feel like it's been a whole darn day getting the kids out the door already), driving in, I drink my coffee or tea in the car and think that whatever the idiocy, stressor, etc., is of the day/week, i just am not going to let it get to me.  Usually, i've been pretty successful in getting my shoulders back down and my attitude into a positive space by the time i get to work.  if not, i try to take another 10 or so in my car.  Doesn't always work, but often.  And this is a big deal - i am a very anxious person and I have been working hard to just let it all go because i am truly afraid it's going to cut my life short.

At work, I used to put my ipod on my desk and the earbuds in my ears.  Even if I am not listening (often not), it allows me to focus.  People are less inclined to come by and talk about stuff unless it's really work related.  I got out of this habit after going back after mat leave this time.  I need to find my ipod.

Home, I don't know, I'm just exhausted most days, and fall into a heap by 9pm.  Weekends we alternate mornings to sleep in until 7:30 - 8am.  (The kids are both up by 6am.)  We have our son in a sport activity on Sundays, and a music class Saturdays.  It works out ok.  DH does the grocery shopping on Sundays.  We have housekeepers come every other Monday, so our care is pretty light and limited to vaccuuming, sweeping, dishes, laundry, and various counter wipe downs, oh, and general decluttering.

I don't hold much guilt re: the kids.  I feel badly that i can't attend more field trips for DS, etc., but I am able to do a bit more of that with getting vacation days this year (last year used nearly all for mat leave).  i do wish i had more real time with DH.  We've been trying to spend half and hour every other night just us talking, to stay connected.  It can be hard.

To get out of the here and now exhaustion, I try to plan for things like family vacations, school, just longer-term things.  Now that DD is 1 and i'm a bit less sleep deprived, i'm trying to consider some "me" activity.  I get itchy at DS's music class and think I might go back to guitar lessons.  But, I don't feel like i'll have enough time to practice just yet, and, I'm not sure if we'll have enough money.  Though, with DS starting public K in the fall, we will see some $$ back.  I'm not sure I really remember what me time is, or what I would do with it, other than try not to hop on a plane, alone, to some secluded place, lose my phone, and sit by the water with a drink and a pile of books for 2 weeks.

What do you mean by beyond day-to-day? 

[rsummer]

No key to happiness...

But when you are considering a move, if your goal is to preserve your weekend time without taking on a heap of chores, move into another condo, apartment, townhome, whatever.  Our house owns our weekends. Yardwork, gutters, restaining the deck, etc., etc., etc. I love my home for the emotional idea of a home, but would seriously consider a villa or townhome, even as a young family to protect our family's time together. Everyone always says, "Houses are a ton of work." Like, "Babies are a ton of work." Doesn't make it not worthwhile, but neither is an exaggeration.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by rsummer 

No key to happiness...

But when you are considering a move, if your goal is to preserve your weekend time without taking on a heap of chores, move into another condo, apartment, townhome, whatever.  Our house owns our weekends. Yardwork, gutters, restaining the deck, etc., etc., etc. I love my home for the emotional idea of a home, but would seriously consider a villa or townhome, even as a young family to protect our family's time together. Everyone always says, "Houses are a ton of work." Like, "Babies are a ton of work." Doesn't make it not worthwhile, but neither is an exaggeration.

I really agree with this.  We have opted to stay in a co-op apartment because it has eliminated the chore of taking care of a bigger place / yard.  I don't think there is any key to happiness for the WOH parent (considering that of all our stressors are very individual), but I do think you can make certain lifestyle choices which ease the amount of work you devote to daily living.  For us, it is the small space and foregoing a yard.  Heck, we don't even have to take the garbage out (except to the trash chute and recycling bin).  We pay to have a super do that for us.  :)  We would love to live in a bigger space, but at this time in our lives, this lifestyle is what keeps us sane.

We pay for certain services to buy ourselves time, so to speak.  Time unburdened by chores and responsibility is happiness for us.  Time to recharge is happiness for us.  I think the first step in achieving some sort of balance is to take a good hard look at the things that are stressors for you.  Being overburdened with things to do and being stressed are major energy zappers. 
 

[Tellera]

Agree with RSummer!  We have a townhome and I feel like it's too much.  Honestly, we let it anything unnecessary slide.  Even so, something is always being done.

I will not own a single family home, simply for the sheer amount of work. 

[texmati]

If I had to do it over again, I wish I'd managed my vacation more effectively. I could have returned to work more gradually, and taken more 'long weekends' instead of weeks off at a time. I get 15 days of vacation, and could have managed to take one long weekend a month, skipping months where there was a 'free' long weekend, and still have had enough time left over for emergencies, or a long break.

[nina_yyc]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleGriff 

Just lurking around hoping someone will reveal the secret ... As far as I can tell it's just sort of miserable most of the time, interspersed by occasional moments of delight ... (guilt, btw, is the least of my problems ;)

 

Originally Posted by rsummer 

No key to happiness...

But when you are considering a move, if your goal is to preserve your weekend time without taking on a heap of chores, move into another condo, apartment, townhome, whatever.  Our house owns our weekends. Yardwork, gutters, restaining the deck, etc., etc., etc. I love my home for the emotional idea of a home, but would seriously consider a villa or townhome, even as a young family to protect our family's time together. Everyone always says, "Houses are a ton of work." Like, "Babies are a ton of work." Doesn't make it not worthwhile, but neither is an exaggeration.
 

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

I really agree with this.  We have opted to stay in a co-op apartment because it has eliminated the chore of taking care of a bigger place / yard.  I don't think there is any key to happiness for the WOH parent (considering that of all our stressors are very individual), but I do think you can make certain lifestyle choices which ease the amount of work you devote to daily living.  For us, it is the small space and foregoing a yard.  Heck, we don't even have to take the garbage out (except to the trash chute and recycling bin).  We pay to have a super do that for us.  :)  We would love to live in a bigger space, but at this time in our lives, this lifestyle is what keeps us sane.

YES!  I am worried that we don't know what we are getting into with this move.  My city is extremely sprawly and single-family oriented and I have nothing but contempt for most the burbs.  Since I moved out of my parents' house 12 years ago I have lived within walking distance to the downtown core.   However this particular neighborhood is starting to feel impractical.  We have 700sf for four of us and there are no good childcare options, which is a problem since the area school doesn't have before and after care for kindergarten.  I don't want a 3000sf McMansion but I think dreaming of a 1000sf townhome is reasonable? 

Originally Posted by Tellera 

What do you mean by beyond day-to-day?

I see a lot of threads on here about managing daily life - putting a load of laundry in every night, crockpot dinners etc.  I feel like I've gotten about as good at keeping a handle on the chaos as I'm ever going to get.  I don't think my lifestyle is sustainable over a period of years though...just getting through the day is no way to nourish a marriage, career, or family.  Although I do have a young toddler, which is a factor.  I didn't really get much freedom after DD until she was at least two.

One think I think is definitely going to change is DH's shiftwork.  I don't want him working nights anymore.  If he needs to quit his job and I need to be the sole income earner for awhile, so be it.  Solo parenting is a huge stress factor for me and I don't think I can handle it once I have one child in school.  I hope I am not being unreasonable but that is the way I feel about it

[namaste_mom]

for me - the key is to love every moment of what i am doing and stay present

edited for spelling

[MovnMama]

For me, the magic key to working parent happiness is to love the job. I don't mean, like, yeah, I have a good job and vacation pay, but LOVE your job. Feel empty without it. Otherwise I would go insane.

For instance, notice how many people discussed managing vacation time. You mentioned the weekends being important. And, I totally feel you on the DH working nights - DH still works two nights a week and it's not the greatest. He's been moderately employed and taking crappy shift work for a long time now, and has just made the decision to go back to school - which is great! for him, but does mean some belt-tightening in our already small-scale home life.

But being a happy working parent is not about how you spend your time off. That is the sign of a clock-puncher. If I felt like a clock-puncher, I'd quit my job and figure out how to stay home. Or I'd find a job that was meaningful and figure out how to get it. In fact, when I did punch a clock, it was okay, until I had my son - and then, suddenly I realized, my self-actualization makes me a better person, and therefore, a better parent. So I bit a huge bullet and went to graduate school. Not easy with a 6m/o. Punching a clock at a job I cared moderately about just so I could get back home again - well, then it wasn't worth it to be there in the first place. Life's too short, and my kid and husband deserve a whole and happy partner/parent.

So my key to happiness is that I work a job that I care about. It's a good job, and it has some benefits and some drawbacks, like all jobs. And some day's the students are all little s*&%! and I think, wow, I can make so much more money doing an easier job. But it's not about money. My job MEANS something - to me and to them. It MATTERS. It matters to my students whether I'm there to explain Macbeth to them, or a research paper, or whatever. They matter to me - they LEARN something from me. I make a difference. It's something worthwhile. It's not night managing at Wal Mart, facing shelves for 10 hours.

ETA: I DO NOT mean to be in any way disparaging to wage workers at Wal Mart or any other store... the OP is specifically asking about getting "beyond the day-to-day" and a meaningful life, so that's where my comments are going. If someone gleans great meaning from working a counter at a chain store, good for them. Someone's gotta do it... but not if you derive zero joy from it - that's just not fair. So please don't flame me!

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by MovnMama 

For me, the magic key to working parent happiness is to love the job. I don't mean, like, yeah, I have a good job and vacation pay, but LOVE your job. Feel empty without it. Otherwise I would go insane.

For instance, notice how many people discussed managing vacation time. You mentioned the weekends being important. And, I totally feel you on the DH working nights - DH still works two nights a week and it's not the greatest. He's been moderately employed and taking crappy shift work for a long time now, and has just made the decision to go back to school - which is great! for him, but does mean some belt-tightening in our already small-scale home life.

But being a happy working parent is not about how you spend your time off. That is the sign of a clock-puncher. If I felt like a clock-puncher, I'd quit my job and figure out how to stay home. Or I'd find a job that was meaningful and figure out how to get it. In fact, when I did punch a clock, it was okay, until I had my son - and then, suddenly I realized, my self-actualization makes me a better person, and therefore, a better parent. So I bit a huge bullet and went to graduate school. Not easy with a 6m/o. Punching a clock at a job I cared moderately about just so I could get back home again - well, then it wasn't worth it to be there in the first place. Life's too short, and my kid and husband deserve a whole and happy partner/parent.

I know what you're intending here, that I need to look for meaning in the 40 hours a week and not outside it, and while this is an excellent point I think there are a few things in there that are worthy of discussion.  There is a definite grey area on this!  (Go ahead, call me a clock puncher)

Being a working parent is, to some extent, about how you spend your time off.  That is when you do your parenting!  That is why so many working parents talk about balance.  This is going to be different for everyone.  I have one friend who is totally happy as a clock puncher - she says that she works to live rather than lives to work.

I know that I personally am not looking to make a 180 turn in my career.  I am preparing to apply for different jobs and some of the changes we are considering open up the possibility of me starting my own business (townhome = basement = home office!)  Evolution and enrichment would be great, and maybe I just need to find a way to make it happen rather than waiting until DH gets off shifts.  I do have a couple potential blocks of time each week while DD is in preschool but I still feel bad about pawning the baby off.  There you go - guilt   DH on the other hand is an army reservist and is currently interviewing nannies to cover one weekend a month so he can go on military exercises.  I feel like DH is perfectly entitled and the baby is old enough to handle the occasional no-daddy weekend.  Go figure.

[MovnMama]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc 

I know what you're intending here, that I need to look for meaning in the 40 hours a week and not outside it, and while this is an excellent point I think there are a few things in there that are worthy of discussion.  There is a definite grey area on this!  (Go ahead, call me a clock puncher)

Being a working parent is, to some extent, about how you spend your time off.  That is when you do your parenting!  That is why so many working parents talk about balance.  This is going to be different for everyone.  I have one friend who is totally happy as a clock puncher - she says that she works to live rather than lives to work.

I know that I personally am not looking to make a 180 turn in my career.  I am preparing to apply for different jobs and some of the changes we are considering open up the possibility of me starting my own business (townhome = basement = home office!)  Evolution and enrichment would be great, and maybe I just need to find a way to make it happen rather than waiting until DH gets off shifts.  I do have a couple potential blocks of time each week while DD is in preschool but I still feel bad about pawning the baby off.  There you go - guilt   DH on the other hand is an army reservist and is currently interviewing nannies to cover one weekend a month so he can go on military exercises.  I feel like DH is perfectly entitled and the baby is old enough to handle the occasional no-daddy weekend.  Go figure.

I knew when I posted it that this response was not going to jive with everyone. And let me repeat - there is not shame in clock-punching! DH is a clock-puncher at heart. What matters to him is his time spent home - he works in order to have time off. The time off is what's important. I can't live that way.

I was just kind of saying how, for me, that's not feasible. I was in agony with a clock-punching job. I felt like it was a trap because, the whole time I was at work, I was counting the hours until I could get home to my family. I felt like I was always trading one for the other. Talk about no balance! And I felt this way because I didn't care about or find my job meaningful. If I didn't do it, some other poor shmo would take my place (this thought also shows how not-valuable employees are in situations like this - so it really didn't matter if I was there or not. Other than having to train a replacement... it didn't matter that it was ME there doing the job. As opposed to my job now, where ME does matter - I can be replaced, sure, but some hearts would be broken. Including mine! )

I should have been clearer about this distinction being my opinion, and not the solution for everyone. It's just how I have managed to find "balance" like you said. Because my job matters so much, to me and to students, I feel significantly less guilt about missing time with DS. Where as, when I was clock punching, missing the time with him was simply not worth it. Not a fair trade. ETA: I also chose my job specifically for certain benefits, like I get 10 weeks in the summer to travel with DS and do all kinds of enriching stuff I would never get to do if I was working a traditional 40hr week job. Not to mention automatic time off at Christmas... when lots of clock-punchy type jobs want you there more hours, not fewer! Teaching is also a really family-friendly job, and I can easily leave work if my kid is sick, etc. So, I am a parent at work as well as on my time off. Ultimately, I find balance in having found the right job for me to have a family and be a fulfilled person.

Other aspects of this include being really happy about where he goes to pre-school, and how much he loves it. And also having strong beliefs about the "village" and knowing that, as his parent, I am the absolute authority in terms of big decision making, but it is also important that he spend time with and form attachments with peers and with a variety of trustworthy adults. It's a value that our family has. Again, personal opinion here. 

In terms of your decisions, like moving and buying a home, etc, I would like to second what others have said, which is to consider how much work it would be for the payoff. I favor a good old pros/cons list for this kind of decision. It might be nice if you and DH can plan a night together after the kids are in bed (I know how hard it is to do this IRL!) to hash it out. What do  you want out of life, and what does he want? What specific issues do you have with your life now? Then consider the several solutions proposed, and weigh them against the issues. Comparative analysis - do I sound like an English teacher or what? (I'm a nerd!)

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by MovnMama 

I knew when I posted it that this response was not going to jive with everyone. And let me repeat - there is not shame in clock-punching! DH is a clock-puncher at heart. What matters to him is his time spent home - he works in order to have time off. The time off is what's important. I can't live that way.

...

I should have been clearer about this distinction being my opinion, and not the solution for everyone. It's just how I have managed to find "balance" like you said

...

In terms of your decisions, like moving and buying a home, etc, I would like to second what others have said, which is to consider how much work it would be for the payoff. I favor a good old pros/cons list for this kind of decision. It might be nice if you and DH can plan a night together after the kids are in bed (I know how hard it is to do this IRL!) to hash it out. What do  you want out of life, and what does he want? What specific issues do you have with your life now? Then consider the several solutions proposed, and weigh them against the issues. Comparative analysis - do I sound like an English teacher or what? (I'm a nerd!)

No!  You did not put your foot in your mouth so don't feel that way.  It's not that your post didn't jive with me, it's just that it did sound a little black-and-white...you're either A or B.  When you clarified that your original job was so meaningless to you that you felt guilty for being away, that did help me sort things out.  If I was in a position like that it would probably be career change or stay home for me too! 

What it sounds like to me is that you identified the most stressful component of your working life and turned it around.  The idea that I have a 'job' and not a 'career' is a stress factor for me, but it is pretty far down the list and certainly doesn't add to my guilt.  I think what makes it OK for now is that I am on a path towards a fulfilling career, even if this job isn't entirely perfect right now.  My biggest stress factors are probably lack of time and money.

I have had the "what do you want out of life" conversation with DH.  It went something like this:

Me: What do you want out of life?

Him: I want to be successful, although I am willing to give up my current career if they don't accept my ultimatum on shiftwork, I want a good family life, I want to serve my country as an army reservist, and I want a slightly bigger home.  What do you want out of life?

Me: I want to have some kind of setup where I do not both drop off and pick up the kids every weekday.

Believe me my dream is much more ambitious than his!!

[mama Adhiambo]

I found that renting a duplex was good for us. It feels like living in a house but I don't have to shovel snow all the time and there's no yard work. Being a single mom, I have to work more than I would like but it really helps having a job that I love although most of the time I still feel like a clock puncher and so therefore my long term goal is going back to school for a profession that should give me more flexibility to be with my DD.

[marinak1977]

Originally Posted by namaste_mom 

for me - the key is to love every moment of what i am doing and stay present

edited for spelling

I'm trying to count each moment and make the most of it , whether I'm at my job or at home with DS. And, not sweat the small stuff.
I'm really fortunate though to have a very flexible job where I can make my own hours if I get the work done.