Needing emotional support

[*threelittlebirds*]

I am a new homeschooler to my 7 and 8 year olds. I am having a difficult time with our separation from the community. Today DH took DD to a Girl Scout outing. He told me all the girls came running and squealing to greet her, like girls her age do. They were all exclaiming about how they miss her and wish she was still in school. He told me this and I started sobbing. 

We live in a small island community. During the summer we are overrun by strangers. The rest of the year, it is a small town where everyone knows everyone. It is a safe community. The kids are nice. Of course, many people look at me like I have two heads now. Some tell me how great it is. Some say they couldn't do it. Most have a very fake nice in their voice. Whatever. 

I feel like I am mourning the loss of something. Not sure how to describe it... loss of expectations. Loss of culture? I have always parented, behaved, dressed, fairly outside the box, and therefore felt a little disconnected from the community for that reason, but this is intense. I feel like we are completely cut off. The kids still do sports, scouts, music and art lessons. We participate in a weekly homeschool co-op. I still feel cut off.

Who is my daughter going to have a crush on in the sixth grade? What girlfriends will she have to pass notes with? I know there is a lot of heartache that comes with that sort of large scale social exposure, believe me, I know. I had a terrible time in Junior High. It is such a huge part of our collective experience as Americans coming of age. When we first decided to do this, I thought I was saving them from so much struggle. Now I can only see what they are missing.

I am not really looking for all the reasons why a social life can be miserable for kids. I just want someone to tell me they went through this too, that I will find a way through it. 

[chaoticzenmom]

I can understand where you're coming from (kind of).  I'm there now.  We have a school down the street from us.  I have great memories of riding my bike around the neighborhood to various friends' houses.  When I see the school, I know they all live nearby and I mourn that loss for my kids.  We have great friends, but it's always a drive and an appt. to get together.  It's not "hey mom, I'm going to so and so's house."  It's always dependant on everyone being healthy or up for getting out of the house together. 

My older son said that he wanted to try the neighborhood school a few weeks ago and I jumped at it.  I enrolled him and had visions of all of the friends he would make.  He had a great day, but at the end of it, he didn't want to go back.  The basics of school (getting up early, spending all day in one room and spending your evenings doing homework) were evident right away and it wasn't worth it to him to have to do that just to have neighborhood friends.  So he decided that he didn't want to go back after that first day and I didn't make him.  I'm going to try some neighborhood sports and see if that helps (me, because I think I'm the only one having this problem in our house).

We have advantages as well.  We sleep in, play together a lot, spend hours at a time socializing with our friends, stay home when we feel like it, have sleepovers during the week, learn what we want when we want how we want.

It took us close to 2 yrs to really find the best activities for us and make solid friendships.

[SundayCrepes]

My son was born on Christmas morning. I spent my first couple of hours in labor dreading that he would miss out on so much because of his birthdate. He would never have a birthday party with all his childhood friends coming over ON his birthday. Sure, he'd have a party, but not ON his birthday. I also worried that he wouldn't have a day that was totally his. I worried about so many childhood experiences he would be missing out on.

Okay, a Christmas birthday isn't great, but we've made other traditions. We have a birthday house--it's a 3 foot tall, free-standing advent house. It's a huge deal in our household. For 24 days before his birthday he wakes up every morning to a surprise. (I did this because I didn't want his birthday to get lost in Christmas. I wanted him to have birthday excitement amongst all the Christmas excitement.) Not only does he get this for his birthday, but his sister does as well. Her birthday is in August.

Then there's how MANY birthday parties my son gets. He celebrates with my family the day we celebrate Christmas. (First we have a little party for him with a special cake and birthday presents. THEN we do Christmas.) On his actual birthday he gets a party with our nuclear family. If we are visiting my in-law's out of state, he gets another birthday party. Then he gets a birthday with his friends a week or so later. So, instead of getting only one birthday party, he gets 3 or 4. And each party has it's own special cake or dessert of his choice.

Then there's the birthday trip. We figure since he can't have his friends over on his birthday we might as well take a special trip for his birthday. His first birthday we stayed in a lighthouse on the coast (he doesn't remember that, lol.) He does remember the trip to the mountains where we played in the snow and he and I went to the lobby after his sister was asleep and sat by the huge tree and fireplace. This year he chose a cabin  a bit closer home and got to take a bath outside that night in the hottub under the stars.

There are many things in life that will keep our kids from having archetypal childhood experiences. Oh well. They will get different experiences. 

My guess is your daughter will (or won't) have a sixth grade crush. (I went to public school and don't think I did.) Except instead of it being the boy she sits behind, it will be a homeschool kid or a kid in her violin class or a kid down the street. Your homeschooling her won't change her hormones, it will only expose her to different kids. She won't pass notes with someone because she will have superior contact with her friends. Instead of passing notes because she's forbidden from talking to someone, she will spend hours with her friend sitting on a blanket under a tree playing with horse statues while the neighborhood kids are locked in school.

She will not have your childhood or the collective culture childhood, she will have her childhood. And which memories are important to her and which aren't you can't predict. Even if you did put her in school, there is no guarantee that she will pass notes and if she does that it is important to her. So give her a rich childhood and let her choose which experiences will stand out in her memories. As long as she has experiences, she will have fond memories.

[lmonter]

I'm kinda going through this myself.  My kids are fairly clueless as they've never been in school, but I can feel it.  I don't have the automatic PTA or bus-stop-mom's groups and such to make connections.  Add in mom group drama (hs'ing group included), ugh.  It sucks being a loner.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

I can understand where you are coming from.  It must be all the more intense when you are in a small tight-knit community like yours.  I have homeschooled my kids from the start, and I was very confident when they were small that this was 100% the best thing on all levels.  I still think it's great over-all, but now that my oldest are 10 and 8, I'm starting to have some of the same fears about what they might miss out on.  (Then, when I think about them going to school, I get freaked out about all the *bad* stuff that they could get into, lol!)  For me, it comes down to accepting that there are trade-offs.  There are some experiences (both good and bad) that are common for schooled children that are uncommon for homeschooled children.  Homeschooled kids will be lucky to miss out on the bad ones and deprived of the good ones.  But the reverse is also true -- some experiences that are common for homeschoolers are uncommon for schooled kids, and schooled kids are mostly deprived of some of the best aspects of homeschooling.  The problem for us homeschooling parents is that unless we were homeschooled ourselves, we *know* what our kids are missing!  Parents with kids in school probably don't have a good sense of what their kids are missing out on. 

It might be helpful to look for some reflections on homeschooling by grown homeschoolers.  They tend to have a balanced view -- one that is often less defensive of homeschooling than their parents.  (Many point to fewer social experiences as the primary disadvantage to homeschooling, for example.) But while they recognize those trade-offs and acknowledge them, from what I've seen and read, most of them nevertheless think homeschooling was a good experience, and feel the trade-off was worth it on balance.  There are exceptions of course, but there don't seem to be too many of them. 

Finally, you don't say why you pulled the girls out of school, but at 7 and 8 they are still young.  Homeschooling may be a season for them.  Don't waste worry time on the "fact" that they will miss out on high school dances, for example, because they may not miss out at all.  They may attend with their schooled friends (or boyfriends!), or they may even by back in school themselves by then.  Who knows what life will bring? 

Even though I'm writing this like I'm confident (which I mostly am), I do still struggle with these fears sometimes, as I said.  It's an on-going dialog with myself, lol.  I also check in with my kids from time to time.  Do they feel satisfied with their friend situations, etc.  Just getting reassurance from them that they are happy can go a long way.  (Or, if they tell you they are not fully satisfied, you can strategize some ways to get more social interaction or whatever.)

[Dandelionkid]

I struggle with this too. In fact I was just feeling sad that my dd7 won't get to hand out valentines tomorrow and get them back. We could go hand out valentines but no one is going to think of having one for her. I don't even think we are giving her a lot of experiences that are different from schooled kids except she gets to play all day. We don't do super-cool outings in this small city. We just live life together. Sometimes I really feel sad for her when I think of what she is missing.

Sorry- no wise words. :(

[zebra15]

My son is 10 and has been HS for basically his entire school career.  There are times we both feel lonely and out of it.  I struggle to find activites for him and classes that he likes.  I have yet to find a HS group that fits our lifestyle (ive given up on that).  DS's friends are few and far between.  He finally found an acting class that he loves though and I will do everything financially to make that happen.  DS loves the library and takes part in all the programs he can but kids come and go.  At this point I've stopped pushing friendships and realized that DS is just fine the way he is and I need to get over my hangups about social norms and what kids should and shouldn't have in those terms.

Out street/neighborhood isnt the best/safest and the kids dont have the same interests as DS so geographically close friends are not a sure possibility either.