Toddler adjustment to new baby... What was your experience?

[scrandall1173]

We just had our second baby a week ago and it's been tough on my 2 yr old. She loves baby but wants her gone sometimes-- understandably. She has been throwing a tantrum a day and hitting me on occasion-- both are new behaviors. It kills me to see her struggling like this. I would love to hear how other moms handled it... Tips, suggestions, or even just how long the adjustment took.... Thx.

[annettemarie]

I'm going to bump this over to the toddler forum.

[holothuroidea]

My 2 year old is still having a hard time adjusting and my baby is 3 months. I think it has more to do with my own difficulty in adjusting, though.

I don't really have any advice other than to lower expectations for your toddler, and don't try to teach them anything new during this difficult period.

[YasaiMuraLife]

There is a 2.75 year age gap between my two children.  When my DD was born, my DS cried just about every time he saw me - crying like his heart was broken.  It was a very difficult period.  He did this for a full five weeks.  After the five weeks, he just snapped out of it and turned back into a happy child.  He never acted out toward DD other than a few comments about sending her away.

See if your DD can be involved with caring for your newborn - maybe fetching wipes at diaper time.  I found that involving DS as much as I could tolerate really kept him busy and feeling connected.  Read to your DD during nursing time.  If possible, find 5 minutes here and there to spend exclusively with your DD doing whatever it is she wants to do.  Also lower your own expectations and focus on just getting through the moment/day while keeping your sanity intact!  I carried my DD everywhere and then had hands available for DS.

[Baby_Cakes]

Oh, this is a great thread and I hope more replies come!  I'm expecting #2 in August and DD will be just shy of 3.  I really want to make this transition as easy as I can for her.  I already talk to her about how I will need her help with the new baby, and explain to her that babies just lie around and cry a lot so she doesn't get her hopes up for a new playmate right away.  I don't know if that's going to help or hurt in the long run, but I'd rather her know what to expect, lol.

[kdaisy]

I am so curious to hear what others say, too.  It has been a hard adjustment for us.  DS is 2y3mos older than his 6 mo sister.  Tandem nursing has been the hardest adjustment. That has evened out a bit ,but now that she is getting more mobile and into more stuff it is like he has had to adjust to a brand new baby.  We had to go through a period, recently, where he was being pretty aggressive with her, biting and head-butting.

It has been a big adjustment just for me.  I still feel so guilty that I can't be there for DS like I used to be.  And then I feel bad when I can't give the attention to DD like I did to DS when he was a baby.  Remind yourself that this babyhood is going to be different.  I try to remember that she may not have me 100% that DS had, but she has the benefit of having a big brother who she is crazy about.  And I try to remind myself, that in the end, a little sister will be good for DS.

[Greenlea]

My son was 19 months when my baby was born.  At first he was only getting jealous when I would nurse.  He would try to climb on me or get me to play when I was nursing.  Other than that he didn't really notice the baby.  Then he did start acting out a little bit, but never towards the baby, just in general.  Now the baby is 3mths old and my 2 yr old is great with him.  He doesn't try climbing on me while nursing anymore, but will come over and make comments about "mommy's boobie" and "Nico eating".  If the baby starts crying he will give him his pacifier or pat his back and say "okay".  When the baby is on the floor, he will get down with him and talk to him or give him a toy.  If me or the baby are not around he will say "where Mama" or "where Nico".

One thing though I noticed is once the baby came my 2 yr old became much more of a mama's boy.  But I don'tknow if that has to do with the new baby or the fact I was on maternity leave for 10 weeks and he got used to me being around so much.

[organicmama314]

I remember this all too well!  I have twins who were almost 3 when ds was born.  One of my twins from the start was very sad and somehow knew it wasn't all about her (although she already knew everything wasn't all about her since she has a twin) The other was so excited and loved him.  The roles actually reversed...and I know why.  My daughter who had been feeling really sad and disconnected had found her place within the family as helper. I tried to include her more in the caring of ds and she got ds to laugh at her and from then on they have been best buds. Now my daughter who at first felt joyful was now acting out, very clingy, regressing to wanting me to feed her, carry her, everything.  My girls were rather whiney in general but now it was really at an all time high.  I would try to find time when ds was napping to read stories, etc. At night when my husband was home he played with them all evening.  It was a slow process for everyone.  I think it was more of a shock from going to 2 to 3 than it was from going to 0 to 2...at least for the first 4 months.  Just try to nurture his spirit as much as you can and try to connect with him as much as possible. maybe whe your dh is home let him take care of the baby while you snuggle with your ds. Dont forget to nurture yourself too and give yourself some patience and forgiveness.  

[mckittre]

Mine are 22 months apart, and all is good so far (but little one is only 6 weeks old).  We had a little nursing jealousy at first, solved mostly by letting the toddler nurse at the same time as the baby sometimes, but cutting him off after a short time.  He's been gentle to her, though often fairly uninterested.  If she's crying, he often yells "she not want to cry!" in a loud whining voice, which doesn't help.  It hasn't ever occurred to him that her not being around is an option, so he hasn't asked to send her away.  We've read a few "new baby" books with him, but otherwise not done a lot special.  I've tried hard to avoid telling him that he can't do something because of his sister.  So even if I can't read him a book because I'm busy changing a diaper, I never point out that that's the reason, which seems to help some. 

[autumnfairy76]

DD was 2.5 when DS was born and it seemed to go so easily for us at first! But DH was off work for a month with us and then my mom was here for 2 weeks, so she got plenty of extra attention. She has definitely turned into more of a daddy's girl since mama sadly doesn't have as much time to give her one on one. Around 4 or 5 months after the birth she has started acting out a lot more, though not towards the baby. It might be just her age though, it's hard to tell. Potty learning is definitely taking much much longer than I had hoped right now. 

[msmiles]

I'm interested in hearing other mother's experiences, too. I'm 8 months pregnant and have a 2 1/2 year old. I remember how easy he seemed when I took him home from the hospital, how anti-climatic it was to take care of a sleepy newborn. I'm hoping that I get to re-experience that with this baby, and it affords me some time with my son to soften the adjustment. I also bought a carrier for the baby to contend with the issue. My son and I are very close, so I'm disappointed that the bulk of experiences have been so challenging.  But the more experiences I hear, hopefully the more prepared I can be!

[Greenlea]

msmiles - I too bought a baby carrier for the new one, I got it to hopefully have my hands free more to care for my 2yr old and be able to do things around the house.  When my son was first born, he wouldn't let me put him down for like the first 3 mths, so I was worried this new baby would be like that too.  Fortunately my new baby is so independent, even at only 3 mths.  He loves to be on the floor on his belly, scooting and playing with toys.  That has been a lifesaver.

[Spring Lily]

My DD was 2 when my twins were born. I think a lot of jealousy happens when the toddler feels replaced or pushed out, so I tried to create a new special position for DD in the family. I started calling her my "big girl" when I was still pregnant, and then when the babies were born she was already used to not being "the baby."

She had lots of "big girl" jobs, like to hand me diapers or wipes, to help me pat a baby's back when I was burping them, bring me the baby's blanket, make sure they had pacifiers if they needed them, sit next to them and gently push the bouncer, pick out their outfits with me, pull apart the straps when I was putting them in their carseats, bring them toys and rattles. It was a special relationship the two of us had, that we were like buddies making sure the babies were ok. It also made her feel really close to them and we never had any hitting or problems like that. (Which may be partly personality.) When I was nursing them, I would have her bring books or a stickerbook and sit next to me so we could look at them together. When they napped, I would make sure to spend some one on one time with her.

I think a big part of it was always making sure my toddler felt involved, needed, important.

[NaturalMama311]

We jsut had our second 5 weeks ago, DD is almost 2.5 and so far she's adjusted fairly well but, understandably, still has her moments.  For the most part she loves her new little brother and just wants to kiss, hug and hold him a lot.  But she has moments where she shows a little jealousy.  For instance, this morning I sat on the sofa to nurse DS and she said 'no. no. no.  No feed him!'  Then she yanked away the nursing pillow, ran away with it, threw it in the bathroom and slammed the door shut.  Lol I actualyl kind of chuckled because it was soooo dramatic the way she did it.  I just grabbed another pillow and explained to her that he had to eat lunch too and she could watch Mickey Mouse while he ate.  She was fine with that and happily say beside me and watched tv. 

One thing that really helped was that we bought her a baby doll when I was about 5 months PG, basically when I started to show.  At that time we started explaining to her that she was going to have a little brother and showed her with the baby doll how to hold the baby and how we had to be gentle.  When she would throw the doll we would explain that we can't throw babies, they are tiny and fragile so we have to be very gentle with them.  So far she's been very gentle with him with a few accidental bumpings here and there (which is to be expected with a clutzy toddler!) 

I think one thing that also really helps is that she's getting a lot more Daddy time than she used to (and she's a big Daddy's girl!)  She still gets Mommy time too but I think getting the extra attention from Daddy has really helped to offset the undivided attention that she used to get from Mommy all day.  DH now puts her to bed, does most of the bath time, does a lot of diaper changes when he's home and just spends more time playing one on one with her.  He's always done a great job playing with her but he's definitely kicked it up a notch since DS was born - partly to help ease the jealousy and partly because I'm usually taking care of DS so he just jumps in and takes care of DD.  He's much more comfortable caring for a toddler than a newborn;)

[mama1219]

We are trying for our second child, our son is one and a half. Can't wait to hear all your tips mamas! My little guy and I are so close I'm anxious about how we'll adjust. I can see how I'll feel guilty that he won't getting the attention he is used to and on the other hand, the new addition isn't getting the same attention he received!